April 30 2015

April 30 2015 Greetings My Friend Today it is raining as I write I’ve wandered my way through Facebook, my e-mail, loaded My Fitness Pal, read my Bible and prayed. In short order I will get up and begin but first I put words to a blog. My first thought as I enter into writing is “God’s rest. During my prayers I drifted off to sleep woke up prayed, drifted off again and woke up finishing my prayers. I used to feel guilty about this tendency in me. Lately I find that God is inviting me into the rest I need for this day. I was a little busier yesterday than usual and today I need a little more down time. Lately I sense that in praying and drifting off to sleep I find an overall sense of comfort. I sense even in my slumber I am still connected to God and when I wake up I pick up where I left off in my prayers. As I come fully awake I feel very rested and ready to enter into my day. This is one of God’s gifts to me that I have come to relish. When I began the journey of faith I felt that God’s gifts were tangible things. Things I could touch and acquire but the longer I walk with God I see that His gifts are those little things he bless’ us with. I find that these little things are really huge the more I understand His gifts. I can’t be about God’s work in the world, at home unless I am well rested. Since I have Chronic Fatigue, Chiari Malformation struggles, COPD struggles and GERDS moments, I feel God teaching me to slow down and that He gives me energy as I need to do His work. For me winter is a huge struggle to live through. This past winter I handled it the best I have in years with God’s hand on me. He taught me to “spring clean” when snow bound for days on end. He taught me to put a sun light bulb in my comfy spot to get what I need in the sun’s rays during the long days of winter. I am learning that much of God’s work is done in the quiet like learning His Word, cleaning the house and making it a comfortable home for Junior to come in at the end of the day and rest. I learn that God’s work goes on in the quiet and takes me out the front door into the world. We had a flat tire on the trailer we borrowed to get lumber. Junior thought out and then put into action ways to deal with this flat. It took time and I found myself getting bored. In the past I would have made sure he knew how bored I was. This time I entertained myself with my cell phone, Facebook and acted silly on the news feed. In the end Junior thanked me because I didn’t fuss at him. I shared some of what I wrote and he laughed along with me. By the time we got home we entered into our evening as good friends with no quiet time due to irritation. Today God gave me rest as I walked with Him in His Word and in prayer. The rain is settling and now I can go plant the plants we bought for our porch and enjoy the warmth. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 28 2015

April 28 2015 Greetings My Friend I thought our errand days were done with but then I remembered we needed to pick up the car from the dealership. So off to town we went. I stopped at the drugstore and now I am home I hope for the rest of the day. I need a regroup day because the running has worn me out. The new stylist worked out fine and with her closer to me I won’t get lost so easily and I will take myself again. I get lost easily so Junior has been taking me since my hairdresser has moved a few times. A friend’s husband has retired in the last few months and she plans on working for a few more years. We talked last night and she is amazed at how hard it is adjusting to retirement. She is also having struggles getting through her work day and attempting to keep up a social life as well. The woman is 4 years younger than I am but I am hearing from many people our age range how difficult it is to do what we have done for years. Our energy level goes quickly these days. She is having health issues along with the extreme tiredness and she doesn’t understand why. I am starting to think that this transition to our senior years takes a lot of us by surprise. Health issues are to us out of the blue since we had been rather healthy in our younger years and we try to apply the same principles we used in our younger years. Eating right and exercise. It does not seem to occur to us to slow down. I have struggled and I now am able to discern those trigger points for me. I am also learning to “lean into” an illness when it hits and do what my body is wanting me to do. I know my trigger points more so these days and I find retirement a great place to be. I also read somewhere that those that have chronic illness’ need to grieve the loss of their health. I felt this comment was true for me and now I attempt to offer this insight to others. As my COPD symptoms displayed itself I could no longer get up put in an hour cleaning and then go on with other activities. Since I never smoked I was somewhat surprised that I had COPD and it took me awhile to ask my doctor about my being winded. I had always walked or did some sort of exercise so I could not understand why I wasn’t moving past the extreme exhaustion. I could not figure out why I had COPD even though I lived with smokers for 40 years of my life. I felt the usual things I had done would work again and that was not the case. I first learned to work, sit, work, sit and work until the job I wanted was done. As time went on I found myself bouncing back quickly and as time went on I was able to work longer before sitting. After each bout of bronchitis in the beginning I found myself starting over from scratch again but as time went on I didn’t have to work as hard to get back to my pre bronchitis days. I am using a combination of medical approaches to my health. I use pharmaceuticals, supplements, essential oils and exercising. I also believe asking God to guide me has been the best way to determine the approaches that work best. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 25 2015

April 25 2015 Greetings My Friend A Facebook friend is overwhelmed with her health issues. Her pain is her constant companion and today she wishes she could give up. I understand her discouragement and my response is to tell her how she offers me strength when I am not so sure I want to keep trying. As I write my response to her I realize how much other’s struggle inspires me to try once more. I also have learned about my own struggles that for years I did not understand. Chiari Malformation is a disease that moves around my body and I may struggle for a while with weak wrists only to be okay a year or so later. It is not a clear path to what is going on with me. Even my straining headaches and Chiari headaches tend to move around. My diagnosis a few years ago began to make sense some of my life long struggles. I have always stumbled over my own two feet when I am very tired. Today I understand that it is Chiari Malformation. This disease also is progressive. My stumbling when I was tired days now are a constant imbalance issue for me. I can get dizzy looking up high, bending and stooping. I am no longer able to judge a ladder and moving over on it like I once could. I have also learned that many Chiarians have swallowing issues. I have these issues now and is it Chiari, GERDS? I no longer can take multiple pills or supplements in one setting. At present I need to take them throughout the day and not at one setting anymore. I bring up big pills, feel like I am swallowing a brick or feel like it is taking its sweet time dissolving. My friend is struggling with pain that won’t quit and my heart goes out to her. So far my pain is minimal. I have learned how to keep it at by to an extent. I have found eating frequently helps with the straining headaches and eating plenty of fruits and vegetables also helps. I still get these headaches but not as often. The headache stops me in my tracks when they do come on so I have a sense of my friend’s pain. If I wait too long to eat I can get so sick I will vomit so I give myself a rigid eating schedule, mainly to avoid vomiting and the headaches that often accompany the vomiting spells. A cane helps me get around from the car to the building but if I want to walk for awhile I will need a walker or a buggy to hold onto. I am learning that many of my health issues are sister ailments in Chiari Malformation so attempting to decide how to report my struggles is a problem and from what I am learning there are very few doctors who truly understand my disease. My thought at present is to work on each health issue as it arises and if it gets worse see if I can find a specialist in my disease. My GERDS being a sister related struggle is so far being kept under control with medication. Now the swallowing issues may lead me to seek further assistance but for now I will try the conventional methods for resolving my struggle. May God bless you and you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 18 2015

April 15 2015 Greetings My Friend It is April and at some point I tend to reflect back on Mom and Dad and their passing and our history. Today Dad has been gone 23 years, last week Mom has been gone 16 years. Grandma, my mother-in-law, my nephew and even my brother are gone. Mostly I find myself relieved in their passing. Dad, I have a sense of closure and understanding, Mom I am coming to terms with the “junk” and I have an acceptance. In my own way I guess I have grieved and did not realize it because my main sense was of relief. With their passing though I am sad at not resolving those things that were never dealt with. With Dad I had begun to understand and accept but with Mom there was no way to ask the questions and to find the peace I longed for. In the last few years though I have learned and grown and let go. I have sensed that a lot of my personality and strength came from the abuse that went on in our home. I learned how to be a hard worker because polio seemed to make my parents work harder. I learned role differences before they became the norm with Dad being home more and Mom working more. I was able to grasp the “working mother” role a bit easier due to Mom working and Dad having a job as well. Being the oldest and the one to help Dad, to set an example to my siblings taught me to be responsible at a tender age. While Mom visited Dad in ICU I was to watch for a bit my younger siblings at age 4. It seemed an enormous job back then. Learning how to accept the pain of dysfunction has been a lifetime struggle and today I feel that door is closed with an acceptance and an appreciation of all we as a family dealt with. I also see generational growth as I look at my own family. I see that the line of physical abuse possibly verbal abuse is leaving our family line. I understand more fully the intense struggle sin in one generation brings to the next generations. I find a grateful heart in learning to turn such pain over to God and how He has taught me to walk away from things and to have peace too. Dad’s cruelness at making me talk to the bill collector’s taught me to pay my bills, to work hard and to save money. Yes it hurt and it was hard to let go of but in the end I see where this made me the hard worker I am today. Dad’s handicap has taught me to keep fighting and it is okay to relearn how to do things. He taught me that giving up is not an option. The reason I have been able to work through chronic fatigue, balance issues and all the other things is because Dad kept on keeping on. I remember Dad teaching himself to walk again. I see the times he tried, fell and scooted himself back to his wheelchair only to try once more. Being a child in their home was hard but today I see that this struggle has made me into who I am today. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 16 2015

April 14 2015 Greetings My Friend, We started cleaning the back deck yesterday and at this point Junior needs to move the bigger heavy things. Today though the deck is on the back burner since the fence people are here to install the fence and Junior is outside hanging with the guys. My chronic fatigue has passed and I am working at cleaning the house, the porch, making tuna salad and baking banana muffins. My workload isn’t as hard as all the squatting I was doing picking up debris out of the yard so I am not feeling exhausted. The weather is in the 60’s and eating on the porch was relaxing. Visiting Junior as he ate his lunch was that time we strive to connect as a couple and the dogs didn’t catch on right away that we had food so some peace there too. We are getting our tax refund and we received a check from our remortgage of our MI house so we are able to get the whole fence done now instead part of it. I felt that moment again of “will the house ever be fully renovated?” I stopped and looked around the outside of our house and I see that so much has already been done. The anxiety left. I went inside to see that my weekend project of making a collage of cross’ on the mirror looks good and again I find contentment. The projects truly keep us involved and busy and has been good for me as I work my way back to the housekeeper I once was. Sometimes I feel so impatient with God’s timing only to find in the end I am grateful for His perfect knowledge and timing. I felt bad as we moved from MI to VA because this is when the chronic fatigue started and only recently have I been able to work through a lot of my issues. Junior had to carry the burden. Today though he is thrilled with my come back and often compliments me. He understands when chronic fatigue hits me too and does not fuss at me because I am sitting and napping a lot. He has learned that I will work at getting back to some sort of energy and begin doing again. It has been a long road to this day and truthfully the “sitting” has made me slow down and accept a much slower pace of life. In the quiet my prayer life has grown, my writing has grown and working in spurts is now the norm. In the end all of these things has helped me enter into my senior years and accept that I am no longer “young” mentally or physically. The new to us farm house has also opened up our thinking as far as our limitations are now and in the future. We have a wheel chair ramp to get into the house, we have the washer and dryer on the one level we have and live on so no steps need to be gone down. We even have a walk in shower and in the end we hope to have a master bedroom and a bathroom with a deep soaking tub. Learning to slow down and to move at a different pace was trying but now it is worth it so I am thankful to God for this renovating journey. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 14 2015

April 15 2015 Greetings My Friend It is a cloudy drizzly kind of day as I write. The weather outside is comfortable enough to sit out on the porch with no shoes on. I am eating lunch and drinking tea. I hear the birds sing, the slight bing of the wind chime and marvel at a bird on a wire fluffing itself in the rain. I spent the morning doing my computer time, Bible reading, prayers and then I swept the floors. With all our dogs and cats it is necessary to do this often. I nder thinking back to last week when I was roaming around the yard with my walker. Val (one of our many dogs) was following me. He would lay down while I bent down picked up debris and as I slowly moved from his line of vision he soon followed me. In his quiet way he was telling me “should I fall I will find help for you.” I’ve noticed our fur babies subtly taking care of me/us. Daisy is my inside friend always near. Bella stays right at my feet. These two are inside the most with me and while Junior works outside on building porches, sheds and such the rest of the children are taking turns keeping an eye on him. I go back inside to do a few more things like write, change the wax melts, fill the diffuser or clean the bathroom. As this bout of work ends I feel the tug of the porch on my soul like “It is time to come and see all of God’s glory”. I sense God keeps teaching me to quit trying to be so busy I forget to stop and smell the roses, to love a fur child. It is these time outs that beckon me to stay on God’s path to seek His input on the work He wants me to do and even in the time frame. I hear once more God teaching “ it is not how fast, how many or how long. It is about loving the lost, the lonely and the hurting.” I sense that a busy “Janet” would miss the hoarder who has no friends or the abused trying to walk away from their horror. I would also not see how creative Junior is and be strung out over the length of time it takes him to finish some projects. God shows me that Junior works slow because he is learning, he is disabled and needs to stop often. The more I understand this the more I appreciate the gift of a renovated home Junior is making for me for us. I learn Junior’s tenderness as he gives me the space to learn to live with my disabilities and find new ways to do old things. At this I hear God whisper on my heart “All this for you Janet because I want your best. Now go and do to others as I do to you,” Agape Love - seeking another person’s highest good continues to whisper on my heart. It isn’t about the ones most people see, it is about loving the “unseen.” God again reminds me that my work is not the same as a famous evangelist, a minister of a church and this work He is giving me to do is “just right” for me. In this I am content to be ADHD have Chiari Malformation, COPD and the list goes on. If I am annoying to some that is okay. If I am inspiration that too is okay. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

April 11 2015

April 11 20 2015 Greetings My Friend I pushed myself hard this past week and I am paying a price for it. At the same time I am glad I did push myself too. Today I rest because I can’t go much more. Part of my slowing down has been lots of naps. The nice thing is I was able to do a few little things. We have a mirror on the wall that is large. I have started hanging various kinds of crosses on it and yesterday I was able to fill in a lot of the empty spaces. I may add more or I may not but the fullness is pretty to me at this point. I have learned I can balance well on a step stool and if I stretch out my arm and hold onto the wall I can maneuver fairly well. Junior has taught me to squat and my mantra is “squat down” each time I need to do something on the ground. I sense that dizziness is a part of me these days and I am somewhat aware and not so aware of it. I’ve learned those trigger moments that tend to induce the dizzy spells and work around it, like squatting instead of bending from the waist. Some days I think it is gone only to realize it is not I just work around it as I do many of other disabilities. Spring warmth has been spurring me on to do extra things and at the end of the week I know I’ve pushed myself too much. Still it feels good to see the porches cleaned off, the debris picked up out of the yard and to feel the warmth of the sun on my body. Through the years I have learned my limits and then I work within them so too I will learn to work within my limits with my outside activities. I want to spend more time outside so I will scale back on the day to day housework I’ve done all winter in order to be outside more. I am grateful I did a lot of spring cleaning when the weather kept us indoors for a few weeks. The inside has had a good cleaning and won’t tug on me. All this work gives my day dimension and I also know there are days we will run errands or even have some “play” days. Another piece to my life is starting to take shape as I hear from my son more often these days. I hear about his kids more and there is a fullness to life for me. The hard work of life after divorce seems to be settling down and an understanding of the “why” makes sense these days. I wish I had understood the warnings signs before I entered into an unhealthy relationship. I did not but when faced with a second chance the goal was to be much smarter about my choices. I give God the credit for helping me to choose this time and it has been a blessing. I can understand the gift of marriage to a good man these days and I am so thankful. Agape love seems to play an important role in our marriage. Instead of being self centered or seeking to only seek my mates goods at my expense today we both work at seeking each others highest good and in that I find a wonderful contentment. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet