October 30 2014

October 30 2014 Greetings My Friend, I went on a journey to learn what “pouring on of oil” means in the Bible. I learned a few things so I will share. I liked Joyce Meyer’s explanation of “smearing it on” Covering your body with oil. Next I heard another Minister teach about the heavy burdens we have on our shoulders. He used the example of a yoke, a heavy chain being carried around and the burden it is. When we allow Jesus to lift the yoke off of us I was able to visualize the tension being released. My thoughts are going a mile a minute so I take a break, eat lunch and I tell Junior about my journey I’m about learning what anointing is. He reminds me that usually two animals are yoked together. They each learn to balance the weight of the work so neither one is doing more work than the other and together they are accomplishing a heavy load. With this picture I can see how turning to Jesus and allowing Him to direct my path how much more able I am to face the struggles in life. Prior to my faith journey each day, each moment seemed like walking in cement that was quickly drying. I used to have a recurring nightmare in my younger years prior to my divorce. In this nightmare I was climbing a mountain I had a rope tied to my waist and I’d climb up a few feet stop and pull on the rope. At the other end of the rope was either my Dad or my ex. I would go stop and go again I was exhausted. I felt like I’d learn something only to be bogged down by the end of the rope and a heaviness that was unbearable. I used to ask Junior “how do you know when you are in God’s will?” Poor man has put up with so many of my questions but he is patient. He usually pointed me to read the Bible, maybe a passage he knew of. As I kept reading I found that I was feeling secure in my faith journey and I saw progress. I learned to see God’s approval in the blessings He bestowed upon me. I learned that blessings from God are not the world’s signs of good things. To me I found peace sitting out on the porch watching butterflies and hummingbirds. I found blessings from Junior as he treated me with respect and listened to my thoughts. Blessing are precious. I also was learning to “hear” God’s voice of correction. As I kept hearing His correction I marveled that God did not pour out thunder and lightening on my life. He was gentle with me and patiently kept redirecting me until I got it. It was like the action we do with toddlers before they understand the word “no”. You pick them up and place them elsewhere to distract them from what you don’t want them to do. As I kept being redirected I found I was pleasing God and pleasing God became my goal in life. As I listened to anointing I started to see the Holy Spirit’s teaching, Jesus’ guiding hand and God’s love. Three in One is hard to grasp and I still can’t fully explain it but more and more I sense it in my being. When you are on a faith journey and walking with God you begin to “know that you know.” I may not have the whole idea of oil anointing absorbed yet but I am growing in my understanding. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 28 2014

October 28 2014 Greetings My Friend, Where does your peace come from. As I write it is Saturday. All the work on the house I wanted to get done this week has been accomplished. My time in the Bible this morning was a moment of growing deeper in my understanding of my faith. I talk with Junior as he comes in for a break about my thoughts and he adds more thoughts to mine. My heart wants to consistently reach out to the lost, the lonely, the hurting, those whose lifestyle is different than mine. I have felt the sting of being unacceptable throughout my life and after feeling the depth of love from Jesus I tend to desire to reach out to all people, the loveable and the unloveable both. Through the years I have gone from pro choice to pro life in my beliefs. I never had an abortion but had thought that given the right circumstances I would have. As I meet women who actually had an abortion I find a huge sadness a deep regret over their decision. I also know that a true confession to God, a true sense of wrong in a person’s heart and God will forgive them and then bring them comfort. In my heart I think if we all admit to it we’ve all have done some pretty harsh/wrong things in our lives. It is that moment though that you finally stop justifying the wrongs of your life and you admit them it is at that point you begin to truly heal. In essence it is admitting your “sin” and then telling God or confessing it that you can truly begin to walk away from the burdens of your heart. Some people cave into the desires of the body and have sex outside of marriage in an act of adultery or even before marriage. For me giving my body away before marriage seemed to be the thing to do. I found many reasons to justify it from being so lonely to finding out the strange practices a partner may desire. As I learned that God truly wanted my best I found myself feeling incomplete and I even saw how I was not trusting God to bring the right mate to me. As I learned this I asked God to forgive me and I believe He has forgiven me. God also doesn’t want me to go around carrying that guilt for the rest of my life. I need to face the wrong, confess and then move on. My goal as I confess is to begin to ask God to help me not crave those things which really are bad for me. Today as a thought tries to break through I know that if I ask God to take the thought away He will. I could be upset with the disabilities I now deal with or I can thank God. In thanking God and confessing my fears to Him I begin to have peace about them. I find ways to cope with them and something strange and new is happening to me. I am more creative than I have ever been. Due to my disabilities I have to rethink how to do things. I need a cane to walk with anymore. We have an electric car and I can start it while I wait for Junior with my cane. I can reach my cane over to the other side and roll down all the windows I may want to put down. As I do stretching and balancing exercises I find my balance is unstable but if I reach out and hold onto a chair or something stable I can balance. In doing this I feel I am strengthening my agility and I am not falling like I was. Same goes with essential oils I am using them for a lot of my COPD and anxiety. Lavender on my feet at night is bringing me to a sounder sleep. Evening Primrose is giving me more energy and an ability to concentrate better. Taking vitamin c regularly helps me not get as sick. Eating less processed food is also helping me stay healthy. As I strive to be healthy in all areas of my life I find learning God’s ways to be the most helpful. I have a desire to keep my body healthy for God. I find if I would be ashamed of my husband knowing some of my thoughts then I’d be even more ashamed if God knew and God knows all things so now I try hard to not to take my thoughts to those places anymore. The end result is I am learning to be the same at home in private and out in public. These days I don’t get embarrassed over things I’ve said or done because I am staying the same inside and out. Lately the “WWJD” has become my motto in life, my guideline and in that I find “I am a new creation in Christ.” May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 25 2014

October 25 2014 Greetings My Friend, Fatigue is my “norm” right now. I don’t know where it came from but these days I live with it knowing I will have some energy in a little while. I fell asleep again this morning after reading my Bible and during my prayers. This used to upset me but today I roll with it. I now understand that I will have these days and there will be days I will feel very active. My headaches from Chiari Malformation are still here but by being proactive I am keeping them at bay and the straining or coughing and sneezing headaches are not as fierce. Coffee in the morning helps. Inhalers help with the coughing so the headaches aren’t as often also. After writing my blog I will eat lunch. I will begin the housework routines I have gotten into place finally. I will jump on the elliptical and even strive to do some stretches. I’ve started looking at my balance issues and my illness much the same way I look at exercise. I may have a new problem but I will work it out so that I am able to do more as I am able. Stretching and balance routines tend to find me losing my balance. Today I’ve learned to hang onto a sturdy object like a chair and do the balance. It works and I am building muscle and stamina which means I am more active. We live in the mountains and our property is rather hilly. I have stopped going out to check on Junior’s work progress because I am unsure of navigating my way around. I found a sturdy walking stick and I walked the property. Now I’d like to walk the property and navigate some of the dips and valleys. As I gain confidence with more stable parts I believe I should be able to work my way through some of the harder spots. That is my theory. When I view my disability in the context of exercise I find that I am not so overwhelmed with it. It is here to stay but if I can learn to do a bit more then I believe I will be able to do more than if I gave into it. Using essential oils like peppermint and eucalyptus helps calm my COPD so I use it daily. Lavender on my feet at night is giving me a more steady restful night. I still have moments of waking up but these days a trip to the recliner and a easy going TV program finds me falling right back to sleep. If I stay in bed I tend to wake up more so. Today it is noon before I am finding my brain functioning and my feet willing to move and that is okay. Junior understands these days better as well. He is learning when I can’t I can’t and when I can I get up and move. His positive comments help propel me into action. His quiet understanding comments help me to sit when I can’t and not berate myself. When the energy comes he knows I will do what I can. Junior is hoping that within the next year he should be fairly much done with the heavy renovating and we can start our project of refurbishing furniture to sell at yard sales and such. Knowing Junior my guess it could be two years but at least there seems to be an end in sight and that is exciting to me. Learning to live within my capabilities has taught me to enjoy life right where I am at. I am thankful for all I do have and I learn to accept what I don’t. God is good. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 23 2014

October 23 2014 Greetings My Friend, There seems to a crazy cycle in dysfunction/abuse. Towards the end of my former marriage I had started to see “the crazy cycle” building, blowing up and then quiet down only to repeat itself again and again. The more I saw this cycle in action the more I wanted to move away from it. For me it took counseling, a faith walk and relationship building classes before I could walk away completely. In this marriage we have a cycle that is orderly like the crazy cycle only it isn’t that crazy anger cycle I lived in. Today Junior and I definitely have a cycle of trying to learn what the other person likes, needs to feel safe and we strive to meet that need. No one had ever waited on Junior any amount prior to meeting me. I am the type that will go get a drink for him, to bring him a snack etc. I like doing it because he is grateful and accepts this gift I give with love. He will also bring me things if he is getting something. The more he is grateful and the more he brings me things the more I want to do the same for him. I am not good at taking caustic comments to heart. I rebell actually when I am confronted with caustic comments. My attitude is “fine, I won’t….” whatever. If kind and gentle words are given to me then I respond with a more positive attitude. I don’t even realize I respond either way, it is that ingrained in me. Junior learned early on to speak gentleness and kindness to me and he gets so much more from me. This time around I also have learned to say “stop that.” Junior did not understand my lack and I myself could not understand why I couldn’t move. Today I know it is Chronic Fatigue but for a while we did not understand. He felt he needed to honest and upfront with me about my lack. He would tell me that he thought I was being lazy. I took it for a while and found myself resenting his comments. Because Junior will let me tell him to “stop” I am able to say it and he will. As I kept working my way into any type of energy I learned that Chronic Fatigue is a symptom of Chiari Malformation. He became my encourager again. We learned what we could and I began getting medication, using supplements and essential oils. Today I have a measure of energy. We also know by the end of the week I will wear down. Saturday’s I am still moving about and at some point I will sit and not go anymore. Sunday after church is my rest time and I sleep most afternoons. We know this about me now and Junior tries to leave time in our schedule so I can do these things. I too have learned Junior’s areas where he needs to have time for a nap, to slow down on his renovating and such. Yesterday and today he is very sleepy. I am sure part of his tiredness is the sleepy cool rainy days we have been getting. I myself have been on the sleepier side. I know to let him sleep and to not ask for a lot out of him. He also likes to do some things around the house to keep it in order. For him when he is unable to do his regular work these things give him something to do so he feels useful. Our blackboard has been such a big help. At first I’d mention things over and over. He felt I was nagging which was not my intention. Now I write down projects on the blackboard. He sees the list and works it in around his daily work. When he finishes a project he erases it off the board. I also make my lists on the board. Junior’s are on one side & mine are on the other. I need the lists in order to get myself focused. I also love when I erase a project off the board. To me I sense that I have accomplished something. I like the crazy cycle of doing “good” for my spouse especially because he contributes to this cycle also. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 21 2014

October 21 2014 Greetings My Friend, I was talking to my cousin this morning and I realize that I’ve come to terms with what went on in my life and my past. I couldn’t get to where I am today without change and to change that means you have to try something different. The change was a very long process and I am still working to be better than I was yesterday. I realize I will be different in the future due to the changes I implement in my life. Many people think they know the “right” answers to all of life’s situations and frankly they don’t. We all have our journey and I believe as long as we strive to change and there is progress, even very minimal progress you are doing the best you can with what you have. I want people to understand that I did not mean to be argumentative, scream, lose my temper but the reality is I did. I did not like what I did, what was done and in a very slow process I began to work on changing my life. I believe that I made the most progress the minute I realized I could not do the changing all on my own, the moment that I admitted what I was doing wasn’t working and asked God to forgive me believing that is why Jesus died. At that point I no longer kind of walked away I began a hasty departure. God started addressing things I needed to deal with and then held my hand as I learned. I liken learning to the pendulum on a clock. It swings real far one way, then the other way and then it settles in the middle. God first loved us. When I allowed God to love me I learned how to love and what love looked like. Up to that point I loved the way I was loved in the past, the way my mind felt was loving and none of those really ever worked for me. The more I felt God’s love though the more I wanted to love the way God loves me. This has been the best. I am not so needy for attention, and love that I will say, do whatever I have to to get a speck of love these days. My love is secure and in that I have a confidence I never knew. God does not give up on me like I’ve been given up on most of my life. I have a past that isn’t pretty. That is okay because God has forgiven me. He doesn’t want me to stay in the deep pain and regurgitate the past anymore. I have moved on, I am trying and there isn’t anything I can do to change things so be in the present. With this new air of confidence I find new friends and I am not entering into dysfunctional relationships as I have had in the past. People accept me the way I am and I learn to love people the way they are. If people want to use me, to hurt me I am able to walk away. In the mix of all this I still grieve the junk I invited into my home, my children’s lives but I can’t change what happened so I move forward loving to the best of my ability knowing God loves me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 18 2014

October 18 2014 Greetings My Friend Junior and I went to the show this past weekend. We haven’t gone to the show in some time. Even though our dates are changing we do still try to have date time each week. We need time to reconnect as a couple to explore our lives and to plan for our future. After the windows were installed last week we walked around our kitchen and enclosed porch area talking about how we envision the renovation of this part of our home. As I set up the enclosed porch with a small table and some boxes to store items in I felt I was giving Junior a gift. He is giving me the gift of a home that fits our needs and our tastes. At one point in our lives I felt that dating met a dinner and a movie or a weekend trip someplace. The longer we are married I see that our dates have changed to special moment we share. Sometimes we share a trip to visit family and friends and that is awesome. Sometimes we go off on our own exploring the new part of the country we have moved to. Sometimes we watch a video and sometimes it is that daily moment where we come together to sit side by side and relax from some of our days work to talk. I enjoy knowing we will hook up throughout the day and it feels like a date to me. Another thing I have learned is to enter into Junior’s realm of enjoyment. Lately even a trip to Lowe’s is a date for us. In another lifetime I hated those trips with a passion. Today though I am thankful that Junior enters into the things I like shopping, taking pictures etc. so I feel a need to enter into his interests. Instead of fussing at Junior I shop alongside of him when we are picking out things he needs my input on. Other times I take a trip through the store walking every aisle looking at the girl stuff, rugs, cabinets, appliances and start to form ideas for our home I’d like Junior to incorporate. I walk each aisle for exercise. I have a buggy to hold onto and I last so much longer than just walking with my cane. I daydream as I walk through the store and when Junior is done I have enjoyed him, helped my body grow stronger and had the fun of dreaming. My thinking is once more turning to Agape love. The more I learn to demanding that my needs be met but start to seek Junior’s needs I find a sweet contentment. I find in some strange way that my needs are being met. I believe that Junior and I have started a circle of caring for each other that replaces the need for self interest on each of our parts. I learn too that we are more of a team also. That team feeling has been a long journey to fully comprehend and to do. Agape love helps us to reach this goal also. When we were first married we had to learn to be a “United Front” to our children, to our family and even in many of our business dealings for instance when we were making large purchases. When I have a need to insert too many of my ideas lately I’ve learned to take a walk while Junior does the negotiating. He likes to seal the deal and I mainly want the item so it is a good fit to let him negotiate these things. Junior lets me take the lead in regards to decorating, organizing and such. Lately we’ve fallen into the habit of writing lists out for all the things we do. We have learned to write a list to go grocery shopping, to have a list when we go to TN. for doctor’s appointments and while there the things we want to stop and get in that area of town. We’ve started keeping a list on our blackboard of projects we need to attend to. For me it takes the “reminding” out of our daily conversations and he isn’t feeling nagged. Today I found Junior wrote an item on that list and I heard him call to make an appointment he had wanted to make. Slowly I realize that dating is a consistent process. We need time to be away and to regroup. We need time to slow down at home and touch base with each other and in some small way it seems like we are dating each other a lot. Ma y God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 16 2014

October 16 2014 Greetings My Friend, My balance issues have made me learn to do things differently and there are some things I can’t do at all. Learning a new way to do things really changes my perspective on “the way I have always….” As I do balance stretches I hang onto something and I find I can do the stretch and the balance still. Fatigue and congestion have taught me to slow down a ton and to work at a more measured pace. Fatigue has taught me to make up meals for a few days at a time and that way we can eat good meals more often than not. Moving and all the confusion has taught me to accept chaos to work through chaos and one day I find I can do more than I dreamed possible even with my limitations in life. At this point I need to remember I have not done this with my own power and initiative. My strength comes from God. I strive to take time to stop and to listen. In that quiet I find so many answers to my day to day dilemmas. With old age and with two progressive diseases I realize that new struggles will come. I can let them overtake me and bring me down to the pit or I can turn to God and ask for His strength to see me through each new challenge. As I think I’ve overcome and moved forward I am finding some new aches and pains. At present they are not huge pains but they let me know they are there and if I am not careful they will strive to overpower me. My hope is Jesus so as these new ache and pains try to overwhelm me I know that I am not alone fighting a new battle. Arthritis, Chiari and osteoporosis are the culprits that are toying with me at present. I am not sure the exact name of what is making me ache but I feel it. My shoulders and neck are tightening up to the point of “ow” pain. I feel tenderness at the bone level on my vertebrae as it goes down from my neck and beyond my shoulders. The last annoying discomfort is my ankle tries to speak irritation to me. All of this at present is more like that dull headache, it is there, it is uncomfortable and it is annoying more than huge amounts of pain. Today I choose to ask God what I need to do and many times I hear Him speak to me. I use the resistance bands for my neck and shoulder issues. I shrug my shoulders way up to my ears and release. These will settle things for a period of time. When it gets a bit worse a short sit with a neck pillow has helped. So I work through the discomfort and very rarely I find myself taking medication. Essential oils and supplements also seem to keep things at bay so I learn what I can and do what I am able to. Exercise helps too. Morning quiet time teaches me to connect with God to “tell” Him my struggles and somehow I am able to let them go and when things get hard to bear I “hear” His advice on my heart. I’ve hit 5,000 steps and now my goal is 6,000 steps. I feel muscles in my triceps and I pick up the resistance bands the light weights again today. In all of this I find I can and I do. Thank you Jesus. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet