May 1 2014

May 1 2014

Greetings My Friend,

I have had quiet time, I've started a few chores with the sheets in the washer and had lunch. The day moves on. During my breaks I call P and check in on their trip they just came back from. I check out FB and find the prayer chain I joined has a few requests so I lift the requests up in prayer. I see some people with a struggle on FB so I pray for them.

Praying tends to take “me” out of the equation and puts my perspective on God and others. The more I learn to do this I find contentment residing in me.

My struggles tend to seem manageable and I find hope residing in me. As much as I'd like to make life about “me” the less I do make it about “me” and frankly I am happier.

I've joined a prayer chain where I don't know any of the people. It was a site suggested to me when I was involved with a support group on line. The group helped me through the last phases of my depression and has now broken up. The prayer chain though I've stayed in touch with.

We had a friend stay with us recently who has a child with mental struggles. I brought their concerns to my Sunday school class and asked for prayer for them. A day or so after he returned home he called and stated that the son is in the hospital undergoing an evaluation. I felt God heard the request. I felt that the parents are able to make decisions they must make.

When I first understood our need for Jesus and that we need to ask Him into our hearts confessing our sins I felt an urge to lift names of anybody and everybody I could think of up to God. I have that desire even now but I also realize that my brain can only focus on so many names.

At this point I tend to offer up a prayer as soon as I get a request. I for a long time wanted to wait till I was alone in my quiet time. To be honest I often forgot to pray. These days I offer it up as soon as I can in a silent prayer format. I'm not good at praying with people yet.

I'm finding the more I go to prayer the quieter my spirit tends to be. I am able to “hear” God and His direction. The more I read my Bible I also tend to “hear” God as well. I also find that my focus changes and I desire to be about God and His will for my life.

The new “me” is finding life to be awesome. All the myths I've bought into are slipping away. Being “old” has been a bit scary in the past. I saw that old people were in general very lonely and felt useless. I am not feeling that lonely and useless. I continue to seek God and His direction for my life and in that a “fullness” fills my being.

I have prayer time at night and as I wake up. That time is precious to me. Nightmares don't plague me much anymore. I no longer live through the abuse of a lifetime. I do go back there but these days a “popcorn” prayer of asking for helps tends to take the fear, the thought away. As I wake up some mornings I linger after I say “In Jesus Name Amen.” Sometimes I talk to God about little things longer. I have a desire to not leave yet and don't. It is nice.

I find that God does not tire of hearing the same thing over and over. He hears and then somehow He helps me move out of the struggle and soon I am not in the repeat pattern. God hears me then He points the direction I need to go into. As I enter into that direction I find I can handle the stress of life so much easier. I am not alone. That moves me a lot.

As I write I again see the “journey” part in my faith walk. I see that I am moving from where I was to where I am to where I am going.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 29 2014

April 29 2014

Greetings My Friend,

My regrouping has settled within me and today I look forward to tackling even more than I have been. My tiredness took over for a spell but now I am back to engaging more fully in life.

It is “hope” that once again fills my heart. The springtime also helps me move out of winter's dull drums. My biggest joy at present is something as simple as a pair of flip flops. Until last year I never wore them because the toe strap always hurt too much. I learned to wear cloth toe straps and now I am an avid flip flop person.

I have picked up several more pairs of flip flops and to be honest I am excited to put them on. As I ponder on this I realize that I have picked up a few Southern traits. I make chicken and dumplings often. I wear flip flops and I enjoy a glass of ice tea often. I don't like sugar in my ice tea though, so not Southern. They call it “Sweet Tea”.

We have been in VA for five years already. My time does fly. As Junior finishes his renovation work we begin to think about “new” things. I love the idea of finding old furniture and refinishing it. We have a couple of wardrobes to work on. We have a few end tables and even the idea of using door knobs for coat hangers appeals to us. I love that we are making plans for our future still.

I realize that Junior's renovation make take a few more years or not. He works at a pace that is his own. I still like planning for our future. I may start without him who knows. This gives my life the definition I need. We may or may not but for now I have something to strive for.

I think back to the older people in my life. Grandma and I often come to mind first, then I also see Mom. Grandma and IO were so lonely in many ways. Grandma's eyes always lit up when I walked in the door. She lived with Uncle B and Aunt P but she was lonely. They were good to her and did for her but Grandma's days were fullest when she was a wife and mother. Grandpa died young so Grandma's focus was on her children. She had a son at home when Grandpa died he was around 12. Mom married and started a family shortly after Grandpa died. Along came the grandchildren and Grandma loved them (me and my siblings and later Uncle B's children.)

Grandma had very few friends and went only where she could walk. Uncle B and Aunt P took her to appointments and what not. She lived for her family and when family was busy being family running children and such she was alone. Grandma did not want to go to my son's games and I was so torn between her and my son. If I had to do it over I would attend his game. I learned that lesson rather late.

IO was the same way. She had 7 children so children became her main focus in life. As they grew up she would watch the little ones from time to time. As the family would be busy doing the family things they do she was often alone. I saw her loneliness in her eyes.

So I grow old and strive to have a life of my own. I want more involvement than I have had but I have learned to enter into life as well. My dream of refinishing furniture, writing and keeping house fills me. I am excited as well when it is family time. Being divorced means sharing time as well. I don't have the relationship with my ex that makes sharing time with our children easy. It is what it is.

God keeps showing me that I have worth, He has a plan for me and in that life is full and awesome. I can't do all that I once did anymore. I move about at a slower pace but in that my days are full. God plants words on my heart and I write them. He plants desires in my heart and I strive to work at those desires. I can't fall back to those old comfortable things either. I can't see to cross stitch, crocheting does not hold my attention and my concentration for a long book is gone. At this point though I learn new things that make life fun and enjoyable.

Old age isn't scary like it once was. I relish these years a lot. There may be a day where I sleep more than I am awake and I am unable to do much that is OK I've learned that God will teach me to use those days as well.

What is your goal in life? Mine is God and His will for me. It works out rather nicely when I give all of me to God.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 26 2014

Junior seems to be more focused on our kitchen these days and the hope is he will have it done by fall. If that is the case then I would love to host some of the winter holidays. He plans on making a wheel chair ramp and that means a friend who uses a scooter will have a way to get into our house. The ramp will also be there for the day we may need it for our own use as well.

A finished kitchen would mean I may begin baking again. My nephew commented that he is making up a few meals at a time and then he can heat them up throughout the week. I have had that thought as well. With more counter space and a more organized kitchen I see the potential.

We still have other areas that need to be renovated but the main areas of our home will be done. I long for a master bedroom with a bathroom suite but if it takes a few more years that is easier to deal with. Junior also wants to take another wall down in the TV area which will open up the enclosed porch he built when we first moved in. We also have an idea of re-doing our current bathroom. We'd like to shorten the shower area so we could move the sink to that side of the bathroom which would open up more space in this tiny bathroom. Again that is years down the road

 

May the Lord bless you and keep you make His face shine on you

 

Love

 

Janet

April 22 2014

April 22 2014

Greetings My Friend,

A Marine Corps buddy has come into town for a visit with Junior and I. The boys took off exploring and I am at home getting things in order and doing my day. The friend looks tired so we are glad he has come.

I had two doctor appointments yesterday. One was a follow up after the scope and the other was to see if I needed to have therapy for a swallowing problem. Both turned out well.

I was wore out when we got home and did next to nothing the rest of the day. Thank goodness for crock pots because food was made and we just heated it up. Our friend showed up late in the evening and we visited with him for a while before we called it a night.

We moved Mindy and her little one to the TV area this morning. They seem to be doing good there so they will stay. Our friend now has a bedroom without little fur children although he tends to sleep in a recliner.

I marvel at what we tend to go through in life and the people we become. Junior and I were raised in major dysfunction as was his friend. Our kids are not impressed with what we have over come and how we have handled our lives. At this point though we know and accept the fact that we did the best we could. We don't seem to need approval from others anymore.

It has been a journey but I have arrived. God is the only way I could handle this crazy journey I've been on. He seems to be proud of me and frankly that is all that matters anymore. I can't make people see what they don't want to see.

There seems to be a point where we stop and look over our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life. We learn to accept all of it and then we enter into the remaining years we have left. I find that if God is happy with me then I don't need to beat myself up over what was.

Life is short. As a young person it felt like it went on forever but these days I see how short life is. As I see how short it is then I tend to want to make the best of the rest of my life. I can't change the past. I can live in the present and that is what I am choosing to do.

I strive to start over each new day. As I continue to look forward I tend to make changes and like the changes I am making (with God's direction of course.) I am a child of the King plays out in my thoughts again. I find a joy in that thought.

Sometimes I begin to contemplate eternity. It is for ever and ever. A passage reads something to the effect of “no more pain, no more sorrow.” I can't imagine a life that has no ups and downs to the rhythm of life. I tend to relish the thought but I can't imagine what that type of life is like.

Next I can't wrap my thoughts around for ever and ever. Life has always had a beginning, a middle and an end to all of its situations. Having no end tends to baffle me. Having no pain and sorrow tends to seem strange and I wonder over and over what will heaven be like with a quiet measure of day in and day out calm.

Junior and I live that type of life at present. We haven't always lived without drama but we have settled into doing our days one at a time without drama. I love it and I tell him often how much I love this “boring” life. I love the predictable rhythm we have. I love that arguing is not a major constant in our lives.

I love accepting Junior warts and all and I love being loved warts and all. I love asking God to open my eyes to Junior when I come up against something I don't know how to deal with. God has always shown me how to move past that point and back into enjoying Junior for who he is.

We have very few visitors. That's OK. We love where we are, the beautiful views that are our everyday. We love this 90 year old home we have and relish it. We love our animals beyond measure. We attempt to take God out with us as we go around town, on trips and such. At home we strive to draw as close to God as we can and frankly life is sweet.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 19 2014

April 19 2014

Greetings My Friend,

The news from the neurologist was good news. She could find nothing to cause alarm with my balance issues. She noticed that I have improved since the last visit. We believe having the house in order more so has helped me to learn to deal with my balance issues. I still need the cane but I am not stumbling near as much.

My doctor loved my comment, “ I believe having the house more in order has allowed me to acclimate to my balance issues.” As I walked across the room without my cane she was impressed. I still walked with a bit of hesitation but I moved about the room fairly well.

At this point the Doctor wants to check on me throughout the year but beyond that we deal with balance issues believing that at present this is the extent of the problems. My Chi aria malformation birth defect is real mild. Life is good.

I mentioned to my Doctor that I thought getting a WII system might help me with my balance issues as well. She agreed so we went off and bought a used WII system. Along with walking I plan on using the WII system.

Today I will hang around the house and clean. I am thinking about making some cheese soup as well. Tomorrow will be a run day with two doctor appointments. One is a follow up from the scope, the other is to check out my swallowing to see if there is a problem there. Slowly but surely we work through each struggle and in due time things tend to settle down.

Next week I have the pulmonary function test and that should be it for a while. The closer I get to this test I truly believe I do have some sort of lung issue. I have been told that I can more than likely walk for a half hour straight without stopping with the aid of inhaler. I am excited to see if this is true. Time will tell.

Grandma was able to walk around town well into her 80's and frankly I hope I can as well. Walking has always settled me and helped me to stay somewhat in shape. I miss my walks. Out here I love the country lane, the hills and the trees. I always find a deep peace as I wander along the road with our dogs in tow.

Most nights anymore I find myself saying “Thank you” to God as I fall asleep. I am so thankful that a life time of stress has left me. I do have my struggles but these days I don't feel so alone and scared. I am content in my own skin and I am not trying to figure out how to “be.”

Junior has encouraged some of my decorating ideas that I have felt unsure of. I wanted a lace valance for the front glass door. The sun comes in and blinds us so I wanted to hang a curtain. We did and we love it. I fretted that it may not look right and did not have enough courage to believe it would look good. He followed through and again we love the look. The lace is sheer enough to show off the pretty glass but heavy enough to keep the sun from blinding us.

Next I wanted to hang shelf liner on the windows in the bathroom and bedroom. I wanted privacy but not the darkness blinds had. Junior hung the bathroom window with the shelf liner and we liked it. We found some lace at a thrift store and glued that on the window underneath the sheers. Yup it looks great. We have privacy and the room isn't as dark.

God continues to grow me. I love it. I continue to gain more confidence in myself. It isn't me doing the work but God. My heart continues to lean on God and as I do I keep meeting a “new me.” It is awesome.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love Janet.

April 17 2014

April 18 2014

Greetings My Friend,

It seemed to take Junior a lifetime to “get” that I stumble over the littlest of things but he has got it now. At present the shed he made is finished and I see things that cluttered the porch leaving. It upset him the last time I tripped over my own foot and he has been on a mission to make my life clutter free.

I find that sometimes it takes a bit of learning and growing to understand my husband. I try very hard but I must admit some things don't register. I feel that is the clutter lesson Junior has learned.

Up until recently I have not stumbled like I do now. It has not been a problem to maneuver around things. Now it is. As he watched me stumble over a little something on the porch it seemed to register that I could not deal with clutter anymore. Well I've never liked clutter but now it creates a new problem for me.

As life is more clutter free I am not stumbling as often as well. Sometimes I walk through the house grabbing onto things as I walk around. I don't use my cane in the house because there is something close at hand to grab onto. As I have fewer days where I stumble I feel more secure.

This week I go to see the neurologist to learn more about my balance issues. I see the surgeon for a check up after the scope. Next week I see my family doctor and have a pulmonary function test. As I struggled up the hill this morning I prayed that soon I will be able to walk up the hill, walk down the road and back again with the aid of some sort of medication. We will see.

I hear Junior in the kitchen banging gently the dishes he is washing. He is taking a break from the outside work. I have picked up a bit and at present I am sitting gaining some energy to do more in a bit. Retirement teaches us to work as we can. It has been a hard lesson for me to learn but I now have it.

One of the things I learned as a newly re-married was that generally my spouse wants my best just as I wanted his best. When I viewed life in this way I realized that Junior did not want me to struggle or to make things hard just to make them hard on me. As I absorbed this lesson I found I did not get angry over his “lack” at times. I began to understand that there were moments he truly did not understand my need and the same with me for him.

These days I go to prayer more often and as I do I begin to open my eyes to Junior's thought process better. I tend to find a caring person trying to figure out how to live beside me not a person trying to annoy me to no end for no reason.

With my last stumble Junior learned to see “clutter” as he has never seen clutter before. Prior to this I could not seem to get him on my page as far as what clutter was to me. Now he gets it better.

At this point I am thankful that we don't fight over each tiny detail in our lives. My days of fighting are truly over with. God continues to teach me to accept Junior as the man he is and allows me to love him despite his annoying traits.

Sometimes we are tired and will be less patient with each other. Sometimes we truly don't understand the need but in learning to accept each other we begin to grow closer. It is God teaching us.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet

April 15 2014

May 16 2014

Greetings My Friend,

MB is here. Yesterday we both found ourselves sleeping on and off all day. That 10 hr. drive is a long hard drive. Today we both seem to be awake and energetic. Tomorrow is Sunday and there is a pot luck after church so today we will make cocoa no bakes.

We've gone for our walk up that killer hill and back. Today we made it to the first house over the hill. I used the inhaler before taking off and went a tad bit further. I may have the program down as to what I need to do with the as needed inhaler. I take the maintenance inhaler when I first get up so my lungs should be in decent order by the time I take my walk.

I can see MB unwinding and I am happy for her. I am enjoying her stay as much as she seems to be enjoying her stay. I wish she could come for longer visits and maybe once she is retired we may be able to visit longer.

I am thinking about friendships today. Little Sister was on FB being silly and I joined in on the fun. I am glad that we have worked passed some of our confusing moments. We will never be real close, we live two totally different life styles but at this point we can be friends.

As my emotional health went south and we moved I found some friendships going by the wayside. Two of these friendships were long standing friendships and then I was struggling to get my footing on stable ground again. It hurt as these people left my life.

One by one my doctor and I are working through my struggles and one by one I am coming back to my “old self” again. MB has hung with me through my stressful moments. M has hung with me at my worst and of course Junior has stayed right beside me.

My emotions were way out of whack for several years. I tried counseling and could not move past the pain of the past. It had worked for years but this time it was not working. I asked about an anti anxiety medication and since going on it I have turned around. Life is a joy. My old fears are in the past and tend to stay in the past. I still find myself having those old conversations in my mind but today I ask God to take the thought away and the thought disappears rather quickly. Some days I don't even have those thoughts at all.

As my doctor has had me take medication for COPD, sleep apnea with CPAP machine, gotten my GERDS under control and such I am able to process life again. Junior getting rid of the clutter so I can move about easier has been helpful as well.

These days I feel like my “old self” again. I am moving about slower but the attitude is definitely “me” again. Even the house is looking like the house I've kept and decorated through the years. In all of this I find a deeper contentment.

I believe that God has walked beside me throughout these struggles. At the right time He pointed my doctor to the right medication and such. It has been a struggle but now I am living day to day and in the moment.

My life is full of work which is writing, keeping house and watching after Junior. I have found ministry in the day to day things and I love the thought that I am being used by God.

Retirement is finally on track to what I had hoped it would be. It has been a process but now the process is reality and I love it. None of my contentment is what I have done but what God has done in me. That is an awesome feeling.

Do you know true peace? Is it Jesus?

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.

Love

Janet