November 30 2013

November 30 2013
Greetings My Friend,
Junior hung a couple of wall hangings I had wanted hung up which prompted me to
do a bit of decorating. I moved things replaced a few things and I must admit that
the woman in me was going to town and loving it. I did not do a lot but some and
and frankly it felt real nice.
Each week we seem to be closer and closer to a finished home. The kitchen right now
is a shambles. I have to dance around things to move through the kitchen but down
deep I know in a bit I will have a full operational kitchen. This bout of Junior
renovating isn't confusing like most of it has been to this point because I have
order in over half the house.
I am able to figure out or ask Junior to plug the appliances in that I need to cook
with which helps me as well. I am gratefull that Junior doesn't mind me making food
to last a few days which means I am not constantly in the kitchen.
My niece and her family may be over at some point this weekend. When they come most of
the house looks fairly neat and put together which is how she is used to seeing my home.
When she has visited the last few years there has been no order in this house or the
house we rented. The house we rented was so much smaller than the one I had in MI that
I found it hard to make order. This house has been under renovation and has been a mess
but now....order is back and that feels real nice to me.

I am ever grateful for all the relationship classes and the marriage seminars we took when
we were first married. Slowly I began to learn things about men. Junior also learned a few
things about women and the way we are wired. Because of these classes we find we have an
understanding of each other we never knew about the opposite sex.
I find that I don't get over irritated with Junior and he does not get over irritated with
me. We let things slide where before we would have taken a stand. He is a man and thinks
like a man and I am a woman and think like a woman. I talk a lot and Junior as a man can
say thoughts in 3 words or less so to speak. These days when I see his eyes glaze over I
have a tendency to pull back and give him a breather.
Sometimes I ask him to define something more for me so I can fully grasp what he is trying
to communicate to me. He generally will oblige me and then we move on with the day. It is
refreshing. I also love that we don't need to make life about drama.
As we enter into the Christmas season this year I am finding a need for presents to be less
than I have needed in the past. I love when Junior brings me little gifts these days througout
the year. One of my favorite gifts is a flower picked from the yard. He brings it in and often
sets it near where I sit in the mornings. It is waiting there for me to discover and when I do
discover it I am delighted and can't stop thanking Junior. His face beams.
For the last while I keep coming back to the "little things in life" seem to bring more joy to me
than big things or even expensive things. That little flower says volumes to me. I know that I
was on Junior's mind and that feels precious to me.
Sometimes when I make the bed in the mornings I find Junior's side made up. I find that sweet as well.
He doesn't have to do that. I will often ask him to pull his side of the covers up if we both are
in the room. The already made part says Junior was once again thinking of me and I feel loved.
As I know that I will get gifts the ones for the holidays become less and less important to me. I
felt deprived of gifts for so long that I wanted to receive gifts for my birthday and for Christmas.
These days though I am not feeling so needy.
Junior also accepts my gifts. I like to give of myself to him so cooking many meals during the week
is a gift I give Junior. Cleaning up most days is another gift I give to Junior. In my mind I want
the house to be in order so when he stops working in the renovating rooms he can sit down in a
picked up orderly room....not super neat as well because he doesn't like that.
Sometimes when I am out shopping on my own I will bring him a small little thing and he always is
so happy that I thought of him. As I give Junior my love with little things and see him giving
me love in his little things I find that a new pair of ear rings is not so important these days.
In my prayers I find myself being thankfull for Junior just about daily. The more I thank God for
Junior I find the more I love him. I find myself not focusing on all of Junior's annoying traits
and I even like his quirky ways these days. They tend to make him unique and not a cookie cutter
mold of a man.
Junior also allows for us to have a "time out" when we tend to feel short with each other. That quiet
times tends to help me re-focus on the real issue and it helps us to move through the issue so much
faster. I am amazed at how often we are quickly friends again.
We tend to learn from those moments and frankly we don't keep repeating the same struggles over and
over again.
When we were first married I learned it was important to pray for our spouse and our marriage. I did
find it hard to pray for Junior's day at work because he told me very little about what his day was
like. I began doing my prayers asking God to be in Junior's day and teaching me to be what Junior
needed.
I also asked God to open my eyes and heart to Junior. By asking God to open my eyes and heart to my
man I found myself looking at Junior with a different set of eyes. In those moments of looking at
his heart I began to discover a man that is so tender and caring even if he sounds gruff and rough.As
I learned that soft spot I began to over look many of his annoying traits.
In our classes and retreats I also learned that Junior does not want that gushy love, the kind I find
so wonderful. I found him needing me to respect him for the man he is. Junior does not mind wearing
bright colored clothes and for me I tend to like the more muted colors. I am learning to wear a bright
colored pair of pants just for Junior. I can't do it day in and day out but every once in a while I
will put on a pair of pink pants just for him. He likes it and I find that is what matters the most.
As I quit looking at the fashion's of the day and start wearing things or even my hair more the way he
likes "me" I find myself feeling even more love. I don't have to go against my morales either. I like
that a whole lot. At one point in my life the man wanted me to be more brazen than I cared to make myself
look. These days I don't have to worry and frankly I don't mind giving Junior what he enjoys.
The Bible tends to also to open my eyes to Junior. "Men love your wives. Women respect your husbands" says
a lot to me. I also find a few versuses before that "Submit on to another" to be filled with so much
wisdom.
The more I look to God to teach me to be who He wants me to be the more contentment I feel. I am learning
to not be concerned if Junior and I are like every other person we meet. We have what we need to be
each other's best friend and that is enough.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet

November 27 2013

November 27 2013
Greetings My Friend,
It is Thanksgiving again. It is a day we remember all the good things we
have been given and for me I tend to bring my thankfullness back to God.
I also try to say "thank you" each day as I pray. It is part of my prayers
and by telling God how thankfull I am about having a home to live in, all
the things in the home that help me live day to day and I do try to list
as many things as I can each day I find my focus in life is not about the
awfulness of life but the goodness of life. I start to see how much I truly
have and I don't feel the "woe is me" feelings like I used to.
I am gratefull that our country began this tradition many years ago. If I am
right I heard recently that Abraham Lincoln started it around 150 years ago.
If my thinking is right he started this in the midst of a civil war. Times
were hard for sure.
I do believe that making thankfullness needs to be part of our everyday life.
For me I tend to thank God and many times I say the same thank you's over and
over. It is the being thankfull that seems to work the most on my emotions rather
than specific things.
When I was first divorced I found it hard to be thankfull. I had been married
since I was 18 and at 40 I was terrified. I began my thankfull journal and slowly
life started to have texture again.

I still have moments of doubt and depression but by persisting in being thankful to
God and daily contact with God I know that there will be a day where life won't hurt
so much. This last bout of depression took me a few years to work through but through it all I
kept talking to God.
To me I sensed God directing me. I found a counselor, a doctor who truly seems to
understand my struggles health wise and even emotionally. One by one she started
working through a long list of struggles and today most of them are dealt with.
Some of my depression was fear of my ex. Some was two moves in two years to a brand
new to me state. Still other moments of depression was declining health issues. One
by one my doctor began to address my struggles. As we dealt with them I began finding
ways to do day to day life again.
The last struggle seems to be lack of energy and now that I know about Vitamin b 12
I have so much more energy. That said I still have bouts of total exhaustion but
these days I know how to work through that exhaustion and get back to a level playing
field.
At one point in my faith journey I truly believed that my life would be automatic healing
and no period of working through things. To be honest I am gratefull for the process of
dealing with all my struggles one at a time over a period of time. In that I learn new
things like how to deal with a problem. I learn to keep leaning on God and not rely on
my own knowldge and strength.
I continually marvel at God's perfectness in all things. I must admit at one point in my
life I thought that God was growing up alongside of us. Now though I realize that God
has all the answers and always did have all the answers.
As I wrap my brain around this I find God to be amazing. He knows me better than I know
myself which again is amazing. So the more I am thankfull I also find myself in awe of
God. I think it is neccessary to give God the glory and to me that is being thankfull and
praising God. As I tend to see God's perfection praise tends to flow out of my thanfullness
and at times they seem very entwined.
I use the ACTSS prayer format often. It helps me to bring more of my life to God. I have learned
that God does not want me to be perfect and He will beat me over the head if I am not. That was
hard for me to grasp. As I learned to name each sin I struggle with I have found ways to walk
away from some awful bad habitts in my life.
ACTSS stands for Accolades, Confession, Thanksgiving, Service and supplements. As I try to
walk through each piece I begin to have a fuller understanding of my faith journey and a
closeness to God grows within me. It is what I need to do.
Again I also find that we all come to God in our own way. He will guide us. When God told me
to pray through the cross I balked but God kept at me until I started praying through the cross
daily. I am gratefull He instructed me to do this and that I have done it for many years now.As
I look over my life I see where the Cross has always "spoke" to me. The cleaned up Jesus took
me in a wrong direction for a very long time. As the movie The Passion of Christ" came out I
found for me seeing the real horror of what our Savior endured has made me understand the true
price God paid for my life through His Son.
I begin to see how awful the smallest of sin is to God. I also see what may be in store for me
if I do not accept His Son's gift of the cross. To me the cross also teaches me what hell will
be like if I do not accept this gift.
As you are thankfull today I ask that you start being thankfull daily, not 30 days in November
but each and every day.
May God bless you and keep you.
Love
Janet

November 25 2013

November 25 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am about as happy as I can get. Junior is working on renovating the kitchen! After that the bathroom needs a ceiling, the washer moved to the new laundry room he built a few years ago and a master bedroom and bathroom. Of course all of this will take another few years is my guess but we are one step closer to a finished rebuilt beautiful home. I have decided to give my extreme bouts of tiredness a name. It to me is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. By giving a name to my bouts of extreme tiredness and lack of energy I find that I don't get upset with myself when I can't do anything but sit. It lasts for a day at this point and then I catch up on my need for rest and have energy. I also find that Sunday's tend to be a day where I sleep most of the afternoon. It was bothering me for a while until I realized that even though I do have more energy during the week with vitamin b 12 supplements I still wear down and need to regroup. It is something I have to deal with. Junior built me a shelf unit for the bedroom and I have my clothes stored in boxes on that instead of a dresser. It makes room for a recliner for when Junior's back is in need of a recliner and we can be in the same room. The two dressers that were in our room are now on the back enclosed porch. That area is starting to have order to it as well. We want to use this area for a storage area. The dressers are great at giving us a neater look and making room for us to store various things. This December we will have been in our home three years. I can't say how exciting it is that life is finally settling into routines and the house looks more like a house instead of a renovation war zone. As order continues to take shape I find my life to be more in balance as well. I think divorce upset my equilibrium about as much as cancer, retirement, 2 moves in 2 years has. Now that order and routines are taking shape again I find myself being able to move forward. Part of moving forward is realizing that my body does not go like it did as a younger woman, even ten years ago. As I work through my day I begin to realize that my mother-in-law slowed down as well. She seemed to always be doing something when we stopped by. She stayed home most of her adult life because she had 7 children so being a homemaker was what she did. As I look back on those years though I start to see that she too slowed down. I remember when she died that her children commented on the fact that the kitchen cupboards had dust on the dishes which at one point would have never happened. When I realize that she also slowed down and did what she could when she could I find that I give myself more grace. When we stopped by for visits the house always looked picked up. That is the look I wanted forever and a day. These days I find that I tend to be happy with a neat home. Not a spotless home but a neat home. My standards are relaxing and I don't think it is all bad. Junior does not handle over neatness well. He has met me in the middle and we have a clean home over all. He does not hoard things in the living areas of our home like he would like to do. We have out buildings with "stuff" packed to the gills. At least it isn't in my everyday. I think the thought that keeps playing through my mind lately is "where I was" and "where I am today." I also tend to take the thought further and realize that I won't be "where I am today in the future." I also find myself comparing myself less and less to others. I am starting to accept "me" right where God has "me." I have fallen into the sin of comparison for a good portion of my life. It has driven me to the point of craziness. I wanted to be "normal" as I grew up. I knew that my family was dysfunctional on some level even as a kid. I wanted to live like "normal" people and watched everyone around me. I tried to "fit in." As I have gotten older I see where that has been too hard to do. I can't find normal because "normal" is a matter of perspective. As I have learned to look to God first and feel accepted for my quirky ways I find that measuring up to other people's ways don't mean they are right for me. As I entered into my faith journey I met a woman who is several years older than me. She is precious and so full of energy. She was always involved in awesome ministry. I wanted to be "like" her. As my energy levels kept going south I was more frustrated. I also started trying to "see" where God was taking me in my own life. I had cancer 9 years ago. It wasn't bad I only needed radiation but that radiation did me in. At that point my energy started leaving me and day to day things was more and more difficult. As I looked back and saw my waning energy a part of me realized that if I had not been slowed down I would never sit still and write. I have wanted to write for a lifetime but life and being busy has gotten in the way. As I continued to read my Bible and to pray I see that I have been on a journey of becoming a writer. I love putting words together. I love sharing my life's journey in the hopes of helping others. It is something deep inside of me that wants out. As I look at the process I realize God was working out my best way back "when." Moments of reflection help me to see the "big picture." I understand God's desire for me even more so. God had us move from MI to VA four years ago. He took me away from all that was familiar. He allowed me to get all jumbled up emotionally and as I come back to "center" again I find it amazing that God has been guiding me to the place I am in now.

I am writing, I am Junior's helpmate and life could not be sweeter. I marvel that I had the nerve to find a cousin I had never met. We are on a faith journey and we both enjoy writing and sharing our faith. Again I see God's hand on me.

I am not a missionary or I can't sing very well but I do know how to write. This is what normal is for me it is "writing" about my faith journey and sharing it with others.

Junior has been a stabilizing person in my life as well. Junior does not do "drama." I have learned to walk away from the need to be dramatic about everything in my life and find that I like Junior's stable day in and day out quiet ways more so. It took me a while to slow down the drama in my life but now I can say I don't need drama at all.

Junior encouraged me to start writing from the start of our marriage. He enjoys my ability and is not in need of being more or better than I am. That feels nice. As I explore "me" and find "who" I am in the Lord I find I don't desire to compare myself to the next person.

My hyper ways can get many people annoyed and many smile at my antics and love me just the way I am. I like accepting that I am "the person" God wants me to be and as I accept myself the way I am I find "my" normal.

I thought with this lack of energy I would not be hyper and in many ways I am not what I once was. Still I find myself talking a mile a minute and changing subjects about as fast as I chat. My body is slower but my mind still runs constantly.

I am always puzzling out ideas and ways to do things. It moves me. As Junior has understood this need in me he does not get irritated. Sometimes I stumble across a really good idea and he uses it as he renovates our home.

Some people play games. I puzzle through life situations and seek a more organized way to do them. That to me is the game playing others do. Sitting down and playing a game drives me nuts.

My desire is to keep listening to God and learning what God is directing me to be in life. As I allow God to direct me I find my "normal" and love it.

What is your normal.

May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you.
Love
Janet

November 23 2013

November 23 2013 Greetings My Friend, The cold weather is coming and....it is ok. I am not dreading winter like I have for such a good portion of my adult years. The heat sources other than the heat pump are in order. We have a gas fireplace and a wood burner stove and I know we should be good to go. This week has been a week of running and I found myself wore out and not being able to move much. Today though I sense the energy level is back and I am so happy. I woke up and Junior was talking to my sister, she had called. I then got on the phone with her and found myself waking up. Later I noticed my cousin was on line and they are a 2 hr. difference in time zone than I am so it is hard to hook up and we hooked up. I did more waking up with her and I learned more how to use Hoot Suite and ran a couple ideas on my postings by her. She helps me to think through my writing and the audience and how to attempt to relate. It helps me to have her input. My new computer is in the shop now, the mouse isn't working so we took it to Best Buy. It will come in the mail back to me when it is finished which means we don't need to make another trip for it two hours from us. That is a wonderful feeling. I needed to have some blood work done so when we got closer to home we decided to stay overnight at a hotel in town. Blood work is rough since if I don't eat fairly soon after I get up I can get a nasty headache. This way I did not need to travel 40 minutes to town for blood work. I got it and was able to eat a whole lot sooner. We stayed in a hotel with a pool. I want to do water aerobics and there is no in door place around here so the stay at the hotel was good for my exercise routine. I don't remember all the exercises I did in MI so I began making up a series of exercises of my own. I was able to work out every muscle group. I keep finding a way to put a pool or hot tub in cheaply on our property and have it inside with heat so I can work out year round. I found an inflatable hot tub system that may be able to let me get the size I need for exercises. I continue to bring these ideas to Junior's attention and there is a piece of me that hopes I can have it after our bills are under control and in better shape. We will see. I am also walking on the elliptical more now that it is cooler more days than not. I am proud because my time is increasing which means I am getting more of a work out. That too feels good. I have always loved to exercise and I am once again working diligently on my routines. I have yet to start Yoga for the balance routines, it will come in time I guess. Yoga scared me for a bit because I did not want to invite other belief systems into my thinking. As I entered into a faith journey and did Yoga I found myself changing those moments that did not feel right to prayer time with God. I also quit for a long time altogether and with my balance issues I feel that this may help me and keep me from falling so much. We will see. With all the running this past week I find I can still wear out and not move. As I have so many more days with energy I find that the day I need to re-group not to be so scary. I know that I will be up and moving after I give myself a rest. It is what it is. I find myself again going to bed thanking God as I begin my prayer time. I find at times during the day I am saying "thank you" to God as well. To be on the other side of depression and confusion is awesome at this point. One by one my problems have been solved and I am looking to many good years of service for God. I like that feeling. My Sister and I are once again talking like friends. The edge that was there is leaving and hopefully we can get back to that friendship again. We will be together for Thanks Giving this year. This year there will be a big crowd of family present and that is exciting to me. I keep sensing when I have learned a lesson that God has wanted me to learn and the joy I feel. For many years Junior and I have celebrated many holidays by ourselves. In those years I found that I was focusing more on Jesus, the gift I have been given and letting go of the need to be surrounded by family. I found being alone with Junior to grow sweeter with each passing holiday and soon it did not matter either way if we were around a crowd or not. It seems as I have accepted those alone times I am now coming back into times with more people. I am good with that. As I learn this lesson I see other lesson's as well. For instance I marvel at my "writing career. First God brought a friend into my life to help me find a writing style. Then a news letter for our church group came along. Even as I have begun writing "Letters From Janet" I find that my writing continues to grow. It feels nice. As my cousin has entered into my life she has come beside me with helpful ideas. She encourages me and she is teaching more computer stuff to get my writing out more. I again believe God has taken me step by step through this process and as I have gotten to another point in writing I feel God has opened up another avenue for me to get my writing out to different people. My prayer these days is "Father help me not to get prideful." I want so bad to be famous. I want to be Joyce Meyers or Billy Graham. I want attention like no tomorrow. As I continue to give God my struggle and ask for help I find that my goal is not to be famous these days. It is to point the way to Jesus. If I can help one other person meet Jesus I am happy and if I only have 200 followers or more I am reaching out for God and that is nice. That is good. Nope I don't need to be famous. I still ask for help because I don't think it would be hard to drift back the other way. I see over and over where God has taught me. I see step by step where I was and where I am and then I know some where inside of me that I won't be who I am now. It amazes me. I like "me" these days and I accept my quirky ways. I am who I am in the Lord. Outside the Lord I was a miserable person. I could never find peace. I thought I was worth nothing and meant little or nothing to most people. I was always trying to impress people and the more I tried to impress them the less impressed they were with me. Then comes the day in the Lord that I accept "me" right where I am at and as I feel God's love and direction I find myself going in directions I had never dreamed possible. God is the rock I hold onto these days. I don't want to stray to far from Him. As I continue to feel His love I find myself wanting to please God. As I strive to please God I find that I like "me" for the person I am in the Lord. I can live with my hyper ways. My hyper ways get so silly that I make people laugh often. The more I make people laugh the more I sense I bring a piece of Jesus to these people. I write my "story" in the hopes another person finds the "hope" I have. I help fold bulletins at church to hang out with women and in that I find they encourage me and I encourage them and life is sweet. I keep seeing that "church" is not a building full of people doing "good works" but a group of people coming together to help support each other and then we each leave the group and go into the world doing our own "thing" for the Lord. Some teach the Word, some serve others in many ways. It could a meal to a shut in or a card to a person who is hurting. It could be the antics of a hyper lady doing silly things getting a giggle or three. I start to see that the church building is a place where people come together and sometimes there is an out reach into the community. It is sometimes the people taking home a lesson and sharing their energy with someone else. The more I wrap my brain around I don't have to be involved only in "church" settings to be of service to God the more I see "ministry" in my own life. I like that a bunch. God has created us to reach out and to be in community. When I learn to be in community the way God designed community I find someone is comfortable in her own skin. Not a bad way to go if you ask me. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

November 21 2013

November 21 2013 Greetings My Friend, I can’t say it long enough, loud enough how much I love the fireplace out in the entry way. Slowly the rooms come back together. Right now Junior is working on putting a plug near the fire place for the little wood burning heater to plug in. I am so happy with that as well. I am anxiously waiting for the propane to be hooked up and for the fireplace be the heat source this winter for the most part. It is pretty watching a fire on and off as the temperature cools enough for it to kick in. The wood burner in the kitchen is also nice and I am grateful for the smell of burning wood. It is a familiar and comfortable smell. The TV room will have the wood burning heater that is electric and a flame on it for in that room. I like that as well and then we have candles set on and around the stove for more ambiances. Winter is coming and I don’t find myself fretting as I have in the past. We are expecting a colder winter due to the warm summer still I am not upset. Slowly Junior is cleaning off the extra stuff from the porch and yard and it looks nicer each day. Again he doesn’t stay messy so I am grateful. He does like some clutter but when life is on even keel he tends to be just a tad messy. I like that. So I continue to wait for the day when order will reign more than disorder. In the meantime I make order where I can and talk to God when I am at my whit’s end. Daisy and Mindy have fully grown into our family. Daisy gives me focus and a friend at times. Yesterday I went to the store and took her in her sling. Many people commented on what a cutie she is. My heart was bursting when the comments came. We let Mindy out into the yard all day with the big kids. She gets them to chase her and even play tug of war with her. Daisy stays by my side and life is sweet. The new goal is for Junior to take her out in the morning and not let her get back in bed with me since she barks at every little thing Junior is doing. Yup I keep falling in love with Junior. It amazes me after 15 years that I continue to have that moment where I fall deeply in love again and again. I also keep thinking that Junior is cuter pretty much daily than the day before. Is he? I am not sure he is a stud muffin by most women’s standards but in my eyes a cuter man was never found. As we walk out onto the porch and I find less out there I find myself pondering furniture for the porch. We have some already but I’d like to also arrange things with that homey looking feel. Arranging furniture and such moves me to no end and I want people to always feel right at home when visiting me. We don’t have many visitors but if any do well it will be there. I stop writing for a bit and look up and around. I love the lace curtains on the windows. There is a sense of quiet comfort even with the curtains. I tend to like an older look of decades ago. Modern furniture style is ok but comfort seems to be in the old fashioned look to me. Out here quilts are cheap. I bought a double bed sized quilt for $15 today at a yard sale. I can see me having quilts for the beds, quilts to pull over me as I watch TV and such. I have found my quilt niche and am anxious to finish one and start others. I am sure as I get better at it I will be making more to give away. We will see. Mindy sweetie…….”just jump up on my lap. Oh you want me to put you up here instead.” Silly girl! These cats and dogs sure do bring a sense of family to my day to day life. They don’t argue or get embarrassed to be seen with me. I love that as well. As a young person I felt that life had to be exciting each and every moment and if it was not then I was not living a good life. These days I find a boring life (in comparison) much nicer to be honest. I am grateful that Junior likes to travel a bit as well. I am as involved in things as I can be and I find that the non-dramatic life is full and rich. My goal these days is to discover my role as a woman the way God created me. I enjoy marriage with Junior as I feel God teaches me to be Junior’s wife. I no longer find it fun to drink, do drugs, share many partners etc. I truly am content with one man. Drama for the sake of drama is now gone. It seems to have grown old real fast to be honest and now living God’s way seems the best to me. Some parts of me is real sad I did not discover my faith journey until later in life. On the other hand I also am able to see that God’s way is really the best way. So I found God late in life. I found Him and that is ok. I am grateful to live many years in this faith journey as well. I am grateful that I was not on my death bed before accepting Jesus as my Savior. Still accepting Jesus anywhere in life’s spectrum is better than never accepting Him. For me though I love watching “me” change and grow and a big part of that is a less self-centered life. I love seeking another’s highest good. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 18 2013

November 18 2013 Greetings My Friend, "Submit one to another, Husband's love your wives, wives respect your husband." Those verses keep floating around my brain. We again heard some of those at our Bible study last night. For me they help guide me to be the wife Junior needs. For the longest time I thought I had to love Junior. I wanted to give him my woman's love like I wanted only to find out that Junior needs respect which translates into love to him. I do need the tender touch, the listening ear and the opportunity to talk. When I have these things I feel loved beyond measure. Since I like these things I tend to think that a man would want them as well. As I read scripture....I find again that men are not the same as women only with different body parts. Nope they are a creature onto themselves. Not at all like a woman in any sense of the imagination. As I continue to pray for my marriage I find a need to keep asking God what respect looks like. I am clueless when I am giving Junior respect or when I am disrespecting him. In the asking I find God teaching me to give Junior what he needs. To me respect is telling him what a stud muffin he is or such. In reality he loves it when I notice and appreciate his talents or his acts of generosity. He does like me mentioning that he has wonderful muscles but to him that is low on the wants list. Junior worked hard when he was a working man. He worked two jobs at times along with going to school so he could support his family. These days in retirement Junior is fixing on our new to us home. Sometimes he comes and gets me and says "see what I made." I tag along to look at his handiwork and I am generally amazed at his latest creation. I can tell he has put a lot of thought into it as well. It will be just right for me. He knows my needs and my likes and strives to make things "just" for me. I love that in Junior. Junior's face beams as I let him know that I love his creation. Other times Junior likes it when I notice his intelligence. He likes that I see a very smart man inside of him. Junior has been the outcast for most of his life. People have not appreciated his abilities and have put him down a whole lot so my noticing his attributes gives him confidence in himself and what he is doing. When we were first dating I often mentioned things that I found attractive about his body. His face beamed, these days Junior does not need me to tell him as often about how I love his looks. He usually says "I know" when I tell him how handsome he is. He believes me so the compliment isn't necessary. He'd rather hear some other compliment and at that point I tend to feel at a loss as to what he needs from me. Again prayer helps me. Sometimes I do something so small in my mind but Junior loves it to the point of his face is beaming. I believe God will often put on my heart to do something and as I listen and do it I am touching Junior in a special way. On my own I would not have known to do that but being sensitive to God's direction seems to help. I also have learned that men are gruff. They often greet each other with "Hi ugly." If a woman said that to me I'd be hurt beyond measure but men find it acceptable. Sometimes Junior's speech is a bit hard to swallow. Through the years as I have struggled with Junior's demeanor God has taught me to look at Junior's heart. When I do I see a very tender caring man. That is what I love about this man. He is tender and he cares for animals, people the like. It amazes me. As I realize what a tender heart he has I have learned to look past the blustering roughness that comes out of his mouth. I know also that some of the blustering is to look strong and not care and as I understand this I don't tend to get offended. People who want to control others tend to like me. I tend to allow others to have their way for the most part. If it is immoral I will pull back. I think a life of abuse has taught me that I truly don't care if others are in charge. It was hard hearing that Junior tends to want to manipulate me. A friend has mentioned that to me from time to time and I never could see it. Then when I met my cousin she made the same comment. Right away she said that I did not seem to mind it. I pondered for a long time about this quirk in my personality. I do tend to have an opinion and will share it. If someone else wants to take a lead I tend to let them. Gone are the days where I want control in every area of life. I think I got tired of others forcing their agenda on me and I just let them do what they will. I asked God about this several times and I kept going back to when I asked God if I should marry Junior. God told me to go and not look back. As I realize how much I've enjoyed my marriage I begin to relax and realize Junior wants to be the "man" in our marriage. He has not had a lot of chances to lead and by letting him manipulate me where I don't care, that is ok. When I do put up a fuss, Junior will take my concerns to heart. He has changed his thinking a few times and so I realize that I feel safe with Junior even if he wants to lead the way. Part of our marriage is reaching out to the other one in ways neither of us has been reached out to prior to our getting together. As I ponder on that I find that it is ok. I love him. He is the one who holds me when I cry. He is the encourager I had always wanted. He doesn't mind me writing. He has encouraged me to write from the start when I'd leave him a note each night for when he got home from work while I was still at work. I read all my writings to Junior to get the "male" filter as I reach out to others. He helps me stay on track as far as scripture goes as well. He hears my love also in the writing. I am not writing letters these days like when we worked. He still hears the love of those letters as I read him my writings. So the question I toyed with goes to rest again. I am comfortable letting Junior be what he needs. It does not belittle me and I again see the tender caring man that Junior really is. We are a fallen people in a fallen world and it is what it is. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

November 16 2013

November 16 2013 Greetings My Friend, The carpets are being cleaned and the other cleaning is starting to take shape. Since Vitamin b 12 has been added to my daily supplement routine I find myself being of more help than I have been in years and loving it as well. The major problem is getting the part for the water heater. The repair guy never showed up yesterday. Junior has gone to more parts stores and no luck there either. We’d rather not buy a new heater, we’ve spent enough money but if we have to we will. Last night at Celebrate Recovery I found myself calmer than I had been when I first started going to the group. Since I could not find any groups near me that met during the day due to the darkness of the region and my night blindness I wound up back in counseling. That helped as well. The Prozac and prayer is what got me over the edge of despair that I felt and today life is once more sweet. During our share time last night I found that we each took 5 minutes to tell our story or our concerns. There was no back and forth. Each woman talked and no one offered any input. It felt good to have the floor and talk about my concerns. I felt alongside of the other women as they went through their struggle as well. I feel like we each took from each other which were very helpful as well. The worship service before our open share time was great as well. It was a time to center on God and quiet down our minds. After the service we went to our specific group that had people with the same problems as we did. I went to the “Survivors of Abuse” group. Even though my abuse has ended and I’ve been away from it for 16 years I find moments of total fear that want to over whelm me. I could not put fear behind me. I tried to rationalize it and to ignore it but that pesky fear kept me hostage. I could not walk away as hard as I tried even with prayer. I prayed and prayed asking God if I needed medication. I sensed the “go ahead” from the Lord. I have been on medication for a year and a half. I can honestly say that I am able to process the scary thoughts quickly. I even start the conversation in my head now and when I realize it is in there I ask God to take the thought away. The neat thing is that the thought disappears rather quickly these days. I even have days where the thoughts don’t come to me. Not every day but many days I get to the end of the day and find I had no thought at all. I also am not verbalizing each fear. I did not even know I was saying “his” name so much each day. I did not recall any thought other than the fear that would not leave me. I thought I was keeping those thoughts to myself only to find I was not. As each woman went around the table telling their story last night I felt a kinship with them. They know more than most people the struggle. For me most people don’t want to know about my struggle. They don’t want to hear that “he” was that mean. Even people that never met him don’t want to hear. Last night I could verbalize the fear and not get negative feedback. As I verbalized what I needed to I felt myself letting go even more. I love the Christian setting of Celebrate Recovery. I had a Christian counselor at one point and found that to be so helpful. As I learned how to not enter into abuse I felt led to God and God gave me the release and comfort I needed. Prior to my last counselor I had counselor’s that were not Christian in their approach. They were good and I learned a lot. It was the Christian outlook that has helped me the most. The other amazing thing is I don’t have any anger at my ex. At best I am indifferent. He is the father of my children and grandfather of the grandchildren. As I tried to reenter into the kid’s activities I found that my ex wanted to talk my ear off. I tried to walk away or act uninterested and he still followed me around. Afterward I was so wore out. We moved ten hours away. I have no more interactions with my ex. I am not near during the holidays so I don’t deal with the over friendly ways. I am sad that I am not around but to be honest the peace is worth the loss of time with my kids and their families. I also sense that my son has dealt with the anger of abuse he suffered as well and that I stayed instead of leaving much earlier. These days when we talk I don’t hear the “Why did you’s” That too helps me move past the past and I am able to stay in the present so much better these days as well. Some people seem to think that getting over the effects of abuse should go away once you leave the situation. My first goal was if I were to marry again that I would not marry an abusive man. I recently hooked up with a male cousin I had never met. He is an angry man and is mad at the world. I found myself trying to console him. I tried to move him out of his despair. Rather soon into the relationship building process it occurred to me that my cousin wanted to be mad and stay mad and did not want to be happy. Soon I found myself not calling him. I am proud that I did not keep trying to “help” him. That interaction taught me that “yes” I am recovering and “no” I can’t allow myself to “help” people out of something they don’t want help getting out of. As with an addict who a break free from their addiction and has to never go near the substance again I too have to not allow myself to try to fix someone who does not want to be fixed. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet