June 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Slowly I find myself working my way through my morning routines. The goal this week has been to clean up the stuff that accumulates behind the furniture with the idea of mopping the floors where there are no rugs and today is ready for mopping. This excites me as I continue to keep order more and more in the house. I have found a shelf unit to use in the hallway for baskets to put my clothes in instead of the dressers which I hope will find their way into the enclosed porch that will be our storage area. I want the bedroom emptied a bit so we can put a recliner in there for the times Junior’s back require him to sleep in the recliner. That way we are in the same room even if we can’t be in the same bed. That is my thinking anyway. I found the first unit and have filled it with baskets for my clothes but now I need another one to finish putting all my clothes in baskets. Again I find myself grateful for more order. I find myself moving forward more and more and frankly it feels real nice. My jaw is still a bit tender and I am grateful that it is getting better. I am grateful to be walking more days than not and frankly I am sleeping through the night better now that I am moving about more. I knew this would work but for some reason I could not make myself get out and do. I had a friend teach me when I first retired that 5 minutes of work is more than no work at all and the next time I get 5 minutes I can move onto something else and frankly that helps me a ton. Instead of focusing on what I have not accomplished I try to see what I have done and am doing. As I have energy I am doing more and more. I am writing three days a week now. I also love that. This is my part-time job. So I work at a job and at keeping our house in order and life tends to have direction and meaning to me. With the warmer weather I am outside a bit more as well. I love the country peace of our lives. It is peaceful, pretty and frankly awesome. Yesterday was Friday so I went to the church to help fold the bulletins. They had been done so I headed into the sanctuary to straighten the pews. That was nice and then I visited our youth minister and his wife in his new office space. Junior came in and we headed off to the dealership to get the Volt’s oil changed and then to Abingdon for a day of thrift store shopping. It was a fun carefree kind of day away from the routines of the week. We also visited a couple of gravel places to check on prices for rocks for our yard. Today will be an at home day. Each day this week I worked at cleaning out behind the furniture and today I hope to mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor. Again I feel real good with a more picked up home. Frankly I find myself continuing to fall in love with this house. It amazes me that I feel this way. I am grateful as well because I truly hope to never move again. If this has to be the last house I live in then I’m grateful that I love it like I do. This morning Junior cleaned the area rugs and he has washed the blankets on our bed. Again I find myself grateful that he helps me with the housework along with his renovating. For Junior some of the house hold work is a way for him to be busy and to rest his back. For me he helps me as I continue to gain my energy back and our home then is comfortable. Again I learn Junior is trying to meet me half way. When I moved in with him he had piles, the type of piles hoarders get. He did amaze me because he is the first hoarder I met that would move his piles so he could mop and clean under them. At present Junior has a couple of spots within the house that are a mess. The first is his desk which is next to the table and that too tends to be out of control at times. He has a closet he is storing his tools in which means the vacuum cleaner sits out. Overall though the house has a picked up look about it and sometimes he has a coat or a pair of shoes lying around. I will put them away as I see the need. I continue to marvel at our boring life. My life in my first marriage always had some type of excitement and in this marriage we hang out at the house doing our thing. We have days we run and frankly a lot of people may think we are boring but I love our life. I love that fighting is not a constant in this marriage. I love that neither one of us seems to need to prove we are smarter or better than the other. Frankly I think we both attempt to seek each other’s highest good and well that feels real nice. Growing up there was always friction going on at home. My ex and I were always at each other’s throats. I saw that his parents were always squabbling over things. I had never seen a married couple who seemed to enjoy their spouse. I marvel at the fact that Junior and I are friends and we enjoy days on end with each other. We don’t have to find friends to do things with and are content hanging out with each other day in and day out. I also marvel that when Junior is on my last nerve that I will talk to God about how to deal with his annoying habit. In short order God opens my eyes to Junior in some small way and frankly his annoying habit doesn’t bother me anymore. I also find that if Junior turned into the hoarder he could be, I’d be ok with that. Having someone who loves me and lets me be me is so refreshing. I love that we don’t need to compete to be better or brighter than the other one. I love that we enjoy each other’s humor, lifestyle in general. Yup life is about as sweet as it can be. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet June 26, 2103 Greetings My Friend, I feel the start of a cold trying to settle into my chest, my throat is scratchy and my nose is itchy. I have been taking Vitamin C tablets with the hope of kicking this cold to the curb. We will see. It usually works. The goal this morning was to pick up the Volt from the dealership from having the oil changed. I went on in the Volt to the medical supply place to pick a new hose and mask for my CPAP machine. Junior went to Lowe’s and did some grocery shopping. I made it home before he did so I said my prayers, wrote in my journal and now I am writing a blog. I am trying to decide if I will mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor by the area rugs. I feel a bit like crud so maybe it will be my job for tomorrow. It is rainy outside so I will jump on the elliptical instead of going outside. I am off the medication for my TMJ and my energy level is nonexistent again. So I struggle to do extra things around the house. It is what it is and that is ok. I don’t know how I’d cope without the help of my phrase of “it is what it is.” I can’t do and that is ok. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t. I am working on a cross stitch project along with writing and reading the Bible. That feels good. So I continue to look for jobs I can do with my energy level. I’m still not up to another day out to volunteer. So I’m happy when I can do a little something extra. This cold is kicking my but so that also doesn’t help. I am looking forward to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and the news and evening TV. I’m grateful for the TV these days. For the first 10 years of our marriage we did not watch TV other than on 9-11. We mainly rented movies when we wanted to slow down and watch TV. We did that most Friday nights after a long week at work. It worked. These days I tend to not turn the TV on till 4:00 sometimes I will turn it on at 3:00 but mostly 4:00. By that time I’ve done what I could, read my Bible, prayed, talked on the phone and wrote. That works. I love it actually. I find myself staring at the room/rooms and loving the views I get. This place is a great place to be quiet and I enjoy the look we are creating a bunch. I remember thinking the last year or two of my career that I’d like to sit when I needed to sit and not force myself like I was doing for a couple years before I retired. I lost it toward the end. After cancer I don’t think I was ever the energetic woman I once was. What I had spent a lifetime of doing was now hard for me to keep up with. These days I find myself rather patient with me. It was real hard at first. Now I find myself grateful for the slower pace to be able to get things done in. Again our home is fairly picked up looking other than Junior’s desk and the table and the hall on the enclosed porch. Even as Junior begins to work on the kitchen I don’t find the massive amount of things living in our home that once did when we first moved here. That truly helps me. Again I fall in love with Junior’s “boring” ways. It took me a while to learn how to slow down and not have something filling my every moment. As I have learned to slow down and move slower I find that I am in love with this slow paced life. We get very few visitors which helps as well. I don’t worry that the house is all spotless most days. This Christmas I am hoping to have family and friends stop by for the holiday. I do like to entertain a bit and I’d love to fill this house up with people we love. I love walking around and listening to all the conversations taking place. I love acting silly. I don’t think I care about getting gifts as much as sharing the day with others. With the kitchen in order I can help get food on and put out for other’s to come and enjoy. Yup I’m excited. I again learn that overall Junior and I aren’t that messy. That helps me a ton. The floors are cleaned often, the dishes are done, the bathroom is cleaned often and the bedding is washed once a week so we don’t live in a lot of clutter and piles. There are some but not a lot. I also learn that I won’t ever have that immaculate house of my dreams and frankly I like the idea of people coming by, propping up their feet and resting from the day to day grind we all tend to have. I always want my home to be that place where people feel safe, comfortable and loved. I think I am starting to realize somewhere deep inside of me it isn’t about how clean or dirty but how comfortable I am able to make our home. Some won’t like our clutter. That is ok. We are comfortable with it and frankly that is all that matters. People often tell me how comfortable our home is and frankly that feels real nice. It isn’t about how spotless I can keep a home. This is a hard lesson for me to grasp. Still as I begin to grasp it I find myself being content. I am who I am. For most of my life I felt if I could figure the right formula out I’d be well liked and respected. These days I am more interested in being what God wants me to be and frankly it is about the most freeing feeling I’ve ever had. I no longer care if I have the “best” car, house or the most money. It is more about being who I am and enjoying me for who I am. If people have a problem with that, there is not a thing I can do about it so why try to the point of feeling crazy? Who are you trying to please? Why? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 24, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Slowly I find myself working my way through my morning routines. The goal this week has been to clean up the stuff that accumulates behind the furniture with the idea of mopping the floors where there are no rugs and today is ready for mopping. This excites me as I continue to keep order more and more in the house. I have found a shelf unit to use in the hallway for baskets to put my clothes in instead of the dressers which I hope will find their way into the enclosed porch that will be our storage area. I want the bedroom emptied a bit so we can put a recliner in there for the times Junior’s back require him to sleep in the recliner. That way we are in the same room even if we can’t be in the same bed. That is my thinking anyway. I found the first unit and have filled it with baskets for my clothes but now I need another one to finish putting all my clothes in baskets. Again I find myself grateful for more order. I find myself moving forward more and more and frankly it feels real nice. My jaw is still a bit tender and I am grateful that it is getting better. I am grateful to be walking more days than not and frankly I am sleeping through the night better now that I am moving about more. I knew this would work but for some reason I could not make myself get out and do. I had a friend teach me when I first retired that 5 minutes of work is more than no work at all and the next time I get 5 minutes I can move onto something else and frankly that helps me a ton. Instead of focusing on what I have not accomplished I try to see what I have done and am doing. As I have energy I am doing more and more. I am writing three days a week now. I also love that. This is my part-time job. So I work at a job and at keeping our house in order and life tends to have direction and meaning to me. With the warmer weather I am outside a bit more as well. I love the country peace of our lives. It is peaceful, pretty and frankly awesome. Yesterday was Friday so I went to the church to help fold the bulletins. They had been done so I headed into the sanctuary to straighten the pews. That was nice and then I visited our youth minister and his wife in his new office space. Junior came in and we headed off to the dealership to get the Volt’s oil changed and then to Abingdon for a day of thrift store shopping. It was a fun carefree kind of day away from the routines of the week. We also visited a couple of gravel places to check on prices for rocks for our yard. Today will be an at home day. Each day this week I worked at cleaning out behind the furniture and today I hope to mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor. Again I feel real good with a more picked up home. Frankly I find myself continuing to fall in love with this house. It amazes me that I feel this way. I am grateful as well because I truly hope to never move again. If this has to be the last house I live in then I’m grateful that I love it like I do. This morning Junior cleaned the area rugs and he has washed the blankets on our bed. Again I find myself grateful that he helps me with the housework along with his renovating. For Junior some of the house hold work is a way for him to be busy and to rest his back. For me he helps me as I continue to gain my energy back and our home then is comfortable. Again I learn Junior is trying to meet me half way. When I moved in with him he had piles, the type of piles hoarders get. He did amaze me because he is the first hoarder I met that would move his piles so he could mop and clean under them. At present Junior has a couple of spots within the house that are a mess. The first is his desk which is next to the table and that too tends to be out of control at times. He has a closet he is storing his tools in which means the vacuum cleaner sits out. Overall though the house has a picked up look about it and sometimes he has a coat or a pair of shoes lying around. I will put them away as I see the need. I continue to marvel at our boring life. My life in my first marriage always had some type of excitement and in this marriage we hang out at the house doing our thing. We have days we run and frankly a lot of people may think we are boring but I love our life. I love that fighting is not a constant in this marriage. I love that neither one of us seems to need to prove we are smarter or better than the other. Frankly I think we both attempt to seek each other’s highest good and well that feels real nice. Growing up there was always friction going on at home. My ex and I were always at each other’s throats. I saw that his parents were always squabbling over things. I had never seen a married couple who seemed to enjoy their spouse. I marvel at the fact that Junior and I are friends and we enjoy days on end with each other. We don’t have to find friends to do things with and are content hanging out with each other day in and day out. I also marvel that when Junior is on my last nerve that I will talk to God about how to deal with his annoying habit. In short order God opens my eyes to Junior in some small way and frankly his annoying habit doesn’t bother me anymore. I also find that if Junior turned into the hoarder he could be, I’d be ok with that. Having someone who loves me and lets me be me is so refreshing. I love that we don’t need to compete to be better or brighter than the other one. I love that we enjoy each other’s humor, lifestyle in general. Yup life is about as sweet as it can be. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet June 26, 2103 Greetings My Friend, I feel the start of a cold trying to settle into my chest, my throat is scratchy and my nose is itchy. I have been taking Vitamin C tablets with the hope of kicking this cold to the curb. We will see. It usually works. The goal this morning was to pick up the Volt from the dealership from having the oil changed. I went on in the Volt to the medical supply place to pick a new hose and mask for my CPAP machine. Junior went to Lowe’s and did some grocery shopping. I made it home before he did so I said my prayers, wrote in my journal and now I am writing a blog. I am trying to decide if I will mop behind the furniture and the bare parts of the floor by the area rugs. I feel a bit like crud so maybe it will be my job for tomorrow. It is rainy outside so I will jump on the elliptical instead of going outside. I am off the medication for my TMJ and my energy level is nonexistent again. So I struggle to do extra things around the house. It is what it is and that is ok. I don’t know how I’d cope without the help of my phrase of “it is what it is.” I can’t do and that is ok. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t. I am working on a cross stitch project along with writing and reading the Bible. That feels good. So I continue to look for jobs I can do with my energy level. I’m still not up to another day out to volunteer. So I’m happy when I can do a little something extra. This cold is kicking my but so that also doesn’t help. I am looking forward to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and the news and evening TV. I’m grateful for the TV these days. For the first 10 years of our marriage we did not watch TV other than on 9-11. We mainly rented movies when we wanted to slow down and watch TV. We did that most Friday nights after a long week at work. It worked. These days I tend to not turn the TV on till 4:00 sometimes I will turn it on at 3:00 but mostly 4:00. By that time I’ve done what I could, read my Bible, prayed, talked on the phone and wrote. That works. I love it actually. I find myself staring at the room/rooms and loving the views I get. This place is a great place to be quiet and I enjoy the look we are creating a bunch. I remember thinking the last year or two of my career that I’d like to sit when I needed to sit and not force myself like I was doing for a couple years before I retired. I lost it toward the end. After cancer I don’t think I was ever the energetic woman I once was. What I had spent a lifetime of doing was now hard for me to keep up with. These days I find myself rather patient with me. It was real hard at first. Now I find myself grateful for the slower pace to be able to get things done in. Again our home is fairly picked up looking other than Junior’s desk and the table and the hall on the enclosed porch. Even as Junior begins to work on the kitchen I don’t find the massive amount of things living in our home that once did when we first moved here. That truly helps me. Again I fall in love with Junior’s “boring” ways. It took me a while to learn how to slow down and not have something filling my every moment. As I have learned to slow down and move slower I find that I am in love with this slow paced life. We get very few visitors which helps as well. I don’t worry that the house is all spotless most days. This Christmas I am hoping to have family and friends stop by for the holiday. I do like to entertain a bit and I’d love to fill this house up with people we love. I love walking around and listening to all the conversations taking place. I love acting silly. I don’t think I care about getting gifts as much as sharing the day with others. With the kitchen in order I can help get food on and put out for other’s to come and enjoy. Yup I’m excited. I again learn that overall Junior and I aren’t that messy. That helps me a ton. The floors are cleaned often, the dishes are done, the bathroom is cleaned often and the bedding is washed once a week so we don’t live in a lot of clutter and piles. There are some but not a lot. I also learn that I won’t ever have that immaculate house of my dreams and frankly I like the idea of people coming by, propping up their feet and resting from the day to day grind we all tend to have. I always want my home to be that place where people feel safe, comfortable and loved. I think I am starting to realize somewhere deep inside of me it isn’t about how clean or dirty but how comfortable I am able to make our home. Some won’t like our clutter. That is ok. We are comfortable with it and frankly that is all that matters. People often tell me how comfortable our home is and frankly that feels real nice. It isn’t about how spotless I can keep a home. This is a hard lesson for me to grasp. Still as I begin to grasp it I find myself being content. I am who I am. For most of my life I felt if I could figure the right formula out I’d be well liked and respected. These days I am more interested in being what God wants me to be and frankly it is about the most freeing feeling I’ve ever had. I no longer care if I have the “best” car, house or the most money. It is more about being who I am and enjoying me for who I am. If people have a problem with that, there is not a thing I can do about it so why try to the point of feeling crazy? Who are you trying to please? Why? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I try to pull up today’s devotion to proof read it before I post it. I don’t see one so I start writing another blog. Today we went shopping. I loved it and we do this once or twice a week. It is fun. We went to Wal-Mart’s so I could buy a pair of shorts and while there we picked up a few groceries, fruit, ice cream and the like. Next we headed over to Lowe’s. I waited for Junior in the car. I had worn myself out so I sat, looked on FB on my phone and enjoyed the quiet. Junior picked up a fire pit for our deck. Now I am anxious to try it out. My new goal is to not go in to watch the news till after 6:00. I am hoping to watch less evening TV and stay on the porch longer so I am attempting to stretch out my time before caving in and watching TV. Junior picked up some outdoor flowers and now they grace the porch. A homey feel continues to grow as we incorporate the outdoor space into a living space for us. I get to be my girl self and decorate which I love doing. We’ve started eating our lunch out there and again it is a thrill to sit up there, look into the woods, the yard and to chat with my man. I also like sitting outside for a bit and then go inside. I make the bed, put lunch on and find some small chore to do. I love it. I am able to work around my energy level and that helps me a ton. Today was sheets day where the sheets are taken off the bed and washed and then put back on. Today I hung the sheets up on the line on the back porch and again I think maybe we should use the dryer less and hang the clothes more. We’d save some money but I think it is more about the fresh smell than about saving money. We have time to do this as well. We aren’t hurrying off in the morning only to return in the evening, wash a load of clothes and hop into bed. Yup I love that my main job is to write, do housework and cook. I love my walks too. I am thinking about getting a Yoga DVD to start back with this habit I did for years. The walk should take care of the heart and Yoga would stretch my body. Again the day fills into more of what I want to do in my older years and I love it. I have walked for years. I get lost in my thoughts. Work out struggles on my walks. Out here I get to look at nature in all its glory. The dogs tagging along add to the fun. As I continue to find my way back to some sort of health my Yoga days come back to me. When the kids were little and I’d try doing Yoga when they were up and around I often found a small body sitting on top of me. The last week or so we’ve been doing the whole route which is to the end of the road and back. It takes about a half hour and I am fairly much beat up when we get back. I am happy though with the increase in time, the hills don’t hurt either. Again I am thrilled to be off the clock so to speak. I can do what I can at the pace that is right at this point in my life. Our chats range from how to decorate the deck to what plans we have for today. I love our time to talk. This is a point where we connect as a couple and I relish it. When we get back Junior goes off to work on some project or other and I tend to go into my own world as well. I write, call people, clean etc. and being able to work at a slower pace feels wonderful. Once or twice a week we head into town for some sort of shopping or doctor appointment or such. It feels real nice to be honest. With the new deck I can sit outside in the shade and soak up the warm weather. I am hoping to learn how to go out after dark more. I still have old hang ups about being out after dark. I am afraid of animals and such. Silly but very real to me and sitting up high should keep the fear at bay. I am learning how to stay outside longer and I bet by the end of summer this little fear will be history. I also love having the cats only out there. We love on each other and I enjoy their quiet ways. When I go for a walk or sit in the yard the dogs want me to play with them and in their own way it is fun. I love having the best of two worlds. As we are talking about how to deal with the old porch which is now enclosed I mention that making an area for our outdoor furniture might be nice and Junior seems to think I have a good idea. That of course makes me feel even more special. Now if I could figure out how to take some pictures I’d be so very happy. I could post them on FB and share the love I have for where I am at. Slowly I learn how to be more technical and I enjoy making this old brain work a bit as well. I don’t know if young people get how hard it is to change our brains at this age but I struggle big time. Once I learn a new thing it is awesome. I am hoping our young minister and his wife will come by and help me get my Bible the whole Bible on my phone and then as an application I can pull up to use as I read along in church. Slowly I learn, I am thankful when young people have patience with me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I try to pull up today’s devotion to proof read it before I post it. I don’t see one so I start writing another blog. Today we went shopping. I loved it and we do this once or twice a week. It is fun. We went to Wal-Mart’s so I could buy a pair of shorts and while there we picked up a few groceries, fruit, ice cream and the like. Next we headed over to Lowe’s. I waited for Junior in the car. I had worn myself out so I sat, looked on FB on my phone and enjoyed the quiet. Junior picked up a fire pit for our deck. Now I am anxious to try it out. My new goal is to not go in to watch the news till after 6:00. I am hoping to watch less evening TV and stay on the porch longer so I am attempting to stretch out my time before caving in and watching TV. Junior picked up some outdoor flowers and now they grace the porch. A homey feel continues to grow as we incorporate the outdoor space into a living space for us. I get to be my girl self and decorate which I love doing. We’ve started eating our lunch out there and again it is a thrill to sit up there, look into the woods, the yard and to chat with my man. I also like sitting outside for a bit and then go inside. I make the bed, put lunch on and find some small chore to do. I love it. I am able to work around my energy level and that helps me a ton. Today was sheets day where the sheets are taken off the bed and washed and then put back on. Today I hung the sheets up on the line on the back porch and again I think maybe we should use the dryer less and hang the clothes more. We’d save some money but I think it is more about the fresh smell than about saving money. We have time to do this as well. We aren’t hurrying off in the morning only to return in the evening, wash a load of clothes and hop into bed. Yup I love that my main job is to write, do housework and cook. I love my walks too. I am thinking about getting a Yoga DVD to start back with this habit I did for years. The walk should take care of the heart and Yoga would stretch my body. Again the day fills into more of what I want to do in my older years and I love it. I have walked for years. I get lost in my thoughts. Work out struggles on my walks. Out here I get to look at nature in all its glory. The dogs tagging along add to the fun. As I continue to find my way back to some sort of health my Yoga days come back to me. When the kids were little and I’d try doing Yoga when they were up and around I often found a small body sitting on top of me. The last week or so we’ve been doing the whole route which is to the end of the road and back. It takes about a half hour and I am fairly much beat up when we get back. I am happy though with the increase in time, the hills don’t hurt either. Again I am thrilled to be off the clock so to speak. I can do what I can at the pace that is right at this point in my life. Our chats range from how to decorate the deck to what plans we have for today. I love our time to talk. This is a point where we connect as a couple and I relish it. When we get back Junior goes off to work on some project or other and I tend to go into my own world as well. I write, call people, clean etc. and being able to work at a slower pace feels wonderful. Once or twice a week we head into town for some sort of shopping or doctor appointment or such. It feels real nice to be honest. With the new deck I can sit outside in the shade and soak up the warm weather. I am hoping to learn how to go out after dark more. I still have old hang ups about being out after dark. I am afraid of animals and such. Silly but very real to me and sitting up high should keep the fear at bay. I am learning how to stay outside longer and I bet by the end of summer this little fear will be history. I also love having the cats only out there. We love on each other and I enjoy their quiet ways. When I go for a walk or sit in the yard the dogs want me to play with them and in their own way it is fun. I love having the best of two worlds. As we are talking about how to deal with the old porch which is now enclosed I mention that making an area for our outdoor furniture might be nice and Junior seems to think I have a good idea. That of course makes me feel even more special. Now if I could figure out how to take some pictures I’d be so very happy. I could post them on FB and share the love I have for where I am at. Slowly I learn how to be more technical and I enjoy making this old brain work a bit as well. I don’t know if young people get how hard it is to change our brains at this age but I struggle big time. Once I learn a new thing it is awesome. I am hoping our young minister and his wife will come by and help me get my Bible the whole Bible on my phone and then as an application I can pull up to use as I read along in church. Slowly I learn, I am thankful when young people have patience with me. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 19, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Again I gain a bit more energy and I find myself doing more housework…maybe someday the old “Janet” will return. I have my cross stitch near my chair with a pair of magnifying glasses so I can start that as well. Life continues to settle and I am very content with our very slow laid back life. The days of running to get out of the house and out of a fight are long gone. I love alone time in the house as well as Junior goes off to do his thing. Today he is looking to trade the old junk car we have in for a truck…..we will see. With the nicer weather and walks outside I find neighbors are out as well. I stopped by to talk with R for a bit this morning and yup that felt nice. I do like warmer weather. People are once more out and about and frankly I love it. Junior continues to work on cleaning up the yard and get the porch to a stopping point before he comes back in to work on the kitchen. I’d like it if he did the kitchen like yesterday but frankly I am thrilled that the porches will be cleared of stuff and the yard will be cleaned up and that too makes me real happy. I find myself not being irritated with his progress just because I am thrilled with a more picked up yard and porch. Junior definitely has his faults. They can send me to my edge many a day. Again I go to prayer and I find his annoying habits aren’t that annoying. I also know he is the man I am to be with. I love him, our lifestyle beyond measure. Again I mention to him how much I love our boring lifestyle. Junior still has a tendency to over spend money. I am still holding back from a lot of things I want. I don’t want to contribute more to the debt problem than need be. The panic is fairly much gone and for that I am thankful. It has been a consistent conversation with God to help me through this personality defect that my husband has. I am always amazed when God begins to open my eyes to things. First God taught me that Junior has never filed bankruptcy or had any utilities shut off. Next God showed me that Junior usually becomes aware and will work his way out of debt. This part is a slow process but I believe in my heart that we will be there one day. I can say with all honesty that I am as in love and frankly deeper in love than when we first met. I kept waiting for that to happen in my previous marriage….nope I never felt that. Now though I know what people mean when they say that they are more in love than at the beginning. I also marvel at how much more handsome Junior is to me these days. He is a total stud muffin in my book. I love the way he is neat about his appearance. I love the way he is clean about himself and the way he keeps things cleaned around the house. He likes mopping the floors, cleaning the carpet and doing laundry. That helps me a ton as I am not the energetic woman he married. I love that he has given me “grace” as I have fallen apart and as I try to come back. I am grateful that he does not nag me about what I used to be and he even cheers me on as I continue to come back which makes me want to do even more. I can’t but I want to. I also continue to learn that he truly loves me for me. I don’t have to be “beautiful” all the time. I can’t if I tried. So I am getting older, my looks are not what they once were, I still look younger than my 59 years but I am heavier, unable to be as coordinated as I once was and Junior still finds the “older me” beautiful. This man has my heart. He is the first person that I’ve known in a relationship that hasn’t tried to keep me the same, want me prettier than I am able to be. It feels safe, wonderful and again the man has my heart. The more he loves me for the person I am the more I love him for the man he is. There’s that Agape love again. Seeking another’s highest good. The more I seek Junior’s highest good the more he seems to let me be me. My whole goal is to seek Junior’s best. That means sometimes I will say something not popular with him. Not to be mean but to be honest. For me I never want to tell people “no” because in my heart they won’t like me. “No” though at times is the most loving answer and these days I am not afraid of the “no’s” like I was at one time in my life. I have also learned that when I am seeking Junior’s highest good God is making sure I’m taken care as well. As I struggled recently I found my need being cared for without asking. It amazed me when I discovered that my need was met without asking. God knows my needs and often not always but often will take care of my needs without me asking for His help. I still ask God to also teach me to be the parent and grandparent my kids need me to be. Some days I don’t see a lot of forward movement with our relationship still as I hurt because we are not as close as I’d like to be I sense God’s tender love. I am able to get up and do life even if the kids aren’t front and center in my life like I would like them to be. God is always showing me how much I truly have and I find I relish that so much. We have friends, pets, a very comfortable home, a wonderful walk filled with beauty beyond belief and much more. Yup I am ready to continue on with this faith journey even though there are times I don’t fully understand what is going on I know that God wants my best. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 17, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am sitting once more. I am aggravated at the sitting but I also accept it knowing as soon as the ear ache goes away with a visit to the Doctor I will once more be about cleaning, writing, Bible study and living life in general. That sustains me when I have these setbacks these days. Underneath it all is my faith. I know that God is for me and not against me. I know that I am a wanted child of God and if no one else in the world wants me I am good with God wants me. Of course I feel Junior is a gift from God. Our friends are a gift from God and as Blanko our cat lays in my lap as I type I even feel love from our pets. I again marvel at our “boring” life. I truly love it. Drama wasn’t all that attractive after a while. Anger was tiring to say the least and now life is full and rich and boring is fine with me. Junior and I are truly meant to be a team and I love it. I have always loved the James Dean kind of guy. The type no one understands and seems like everyone and everything is against. I want to come in to their life and love them and show them that they matter. Dad was this type of guy so I think that is why I am attracted to this personality type. One thing I have learned though is that some people are happy being unaccepted and wont’ work to change their unhappy ways. Junior took all kinds of relationship classes after his divorce. He realized that he had some part in the break-up of his marriage even though his wife left him for another man. He could have been the victim and no one would have blamed him but he also knew that until he figured out why he picked that type of woman he would keep getting into that type of relationship. I too was worried about finding the same type of relationship and did not want to live abuse any longer. I stayed in counseling for several years trying to figure out my need of the James Dean type of guys. To be honest Junior was a James Dean type of guy at one point in his life. He has over-come his past and we are truly a good team. I believe more than anything it is learning how to listen to God and not my own reasoning that has helped me/us move past our dysfunction. I don’t think it is anything either one of us has done on our own. God opens my eyes to Junior often and I see a sensitive area and I learn to react differently toward him. I believe Junior also tries to “hear” God with things in regards to me as well. We truly aren’t doing this marriage on our own. I also believe in order to listen to God that I need to talk to Him daily. I sometimes talk with words and at times I hear God through prayer or through the Bible. I used to pray the ACTSS prayer format each night. Now that I am finally sleeping better I mainly pray through the cross. For me that is where I “met” God. I began to grow as I went through the horror of the cross. I began to see God’s deep love for me/us. During the day I will sit in my chair and pray the rest of the prayer format, most days. I tend to need to keep the cross front and center in my mind and when I do I see God’s love. I marvel when God begins to speak to me. I can’t “hear” words but I know He is speaking to me. Sometimes I see pictures in my mind’s eye. Sometimes I sense strongly that I need to do something and I do. I also read the Bible enough to know if what I am sensing is of God. God won’t have me do things that don’t line up to His Word. People have thought that Junior and I made up the move to VA that it was from God. They can think what they want. For me I know we did what God directed us to do. How do I know? It is the peace I have at where we are at. It is the love I have for where we are living. It is opposite of what I saw me doing as well. Me if I had my way we’d winter in FL and summer in MI….that was how I saw retirement. Junior does not like the heat. I do like it and don’t. I tend to get sick in the heat anymore. That said I’d prefer it to the cold. Anyway God said move and we did. Here in VA is the best of both worlds for both of us. The winters aren’t as cold overall and snow melts fairly much right away. It lines up with Junior’s comfort level and mine. It amazes me. Our country lane is beautiful as I take my daily walks. I generally feel calm and quiet in my spirit as I walk along the road with our dogs tagging along. The people out here have accepted us in such loving ways. Junior tends to be an up-front kind of guy. The people out here tend to “get” Junior and they love him for who he is. In MI people found Junior to be “too much.” The house we are in is perfect even though it is not finished being renovated yet. It will be great as we continue to get older since there is no basement we have our washer and dryer on the same floor a first for the both of us. We have only one small step to get onto the porch so that won’t be a struggle either. Our nearest neighbor is about ¼ of a mile away. Not bad. Junior can get into his lawn art here and people won’t be upset that it doesn’t blend in with the neighborhood. We have a four sided porch that goes around the house and we love it. It is perfect and we would not have chosen anything like this on our own. We prayed when we first came to view the house. We fell in love with the place with the 3 porches, Junior has added a fourth porch. It took us two weeks or so to get a view of the inside of the house and the minute we walked in we knew we wanted to live here. The house had not been lived in for years and prior to that many people rented the place. It was a shambles. We loved it anyway and continue to love it. The peace we have is awesome. I don’t ever want to move again which is new for me. The minute I moved into a home I wanted another, better, prettier house. This time I want to stay and never leave. Again it isn’t me, I believe God knew me/us better and gave us what was just right for us. Are you listening to God? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 15, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am moving through the morning and it feels nice. I have read the Bible, talked on the phone to my son and went for a walk….yup life is sweet! Today’s phone call with my son felt like maybe he is moving past anger at what happened when he was growing up…..that was my sense. I hope at some point my kids know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. My growing up my Father beat the crud out of us. My ex beat the crud out of me and my reality to that point is that is what men did when they were provoked. I had never met a man till my 40’s anyway that kept his anger in check so I thought that is what men did. I had a temper as well. I learned early if you are pounded on then look for someone else to pound on. As I met my bully I began to not like being pounded on so I entered into counseling and I learned how to not use my fists all the time. It took me years to retrain myself but these days I don’t have the anger or the need to pound on people like I used to. I am able to walk away from explosive situations. I love it to be honest. Junior and I rarely fight and we have never needed to use fists. We know to walk away till we cool down and then we can discuss a situation and yup it feels good. I love that the last many years we don’t even argue but maybe once a year or so. Junior wants my best. I learned that in counseling many years ago and the more he wants my best I find myself wanting his best. Junior has his strange ways. I have mine but together we make a great team and frankly I love it. Our humor meshes with each other and it feels good. I am not the one that is constantly made fun of. I love it. I am a good side kick because I will be the fall guy if it will mean a laugh or two. Junior though doesn’t need to use me as a fall guy. We can get people giggling at us quickly. I am always in for a giggle or two so I love it. To me if people are laughing then you don’t get slugged. A carry over from days of anger and abuse and many people find Junior and I to be funny people. I like it. With Prozac I find that I am comfortable in my own skin these days. I am who I am and I can’t be anybody but me. I have always wanted to conform, to change to the crowd. I no longer can do this and frankly it feels good. I am also good with the fact that not everyone will get my sense of who I am and frankly as long as God is happy with me that is all that matters these days. I’ve come a long way trying to please everyone. I don’t try to be offensive. I do try to be me. I have thoughts and I don’t strive to have the same thoughts and feelings as everyone else. I am “me.” It is ok. I even like me these days. Junior keeps teaching me that he is comfortable with his unusual ways. Plenty of people really like Junior, a whole lot don’t and he is not concerned as long as God is happy that is all that matters to him. We are comfortable with each other and our strange ways. I want to have a spotless house. Junior hates that much order. I have learned to lesson my standards some. Junior strives to meet me in the middle and frankly I love it. We both tend to do things within the house and the yard. Through the years we have found what we truly enjoy doing and do it. Junior loves doing laundry. I could care less as long and my clothes are clean I’m happy. I do wash the sheets once a week and lately Junior washes them I tend to dry them and put them on the bed so again we enter into housework with a united spirit. I can’t wash dishes by hand much since I have allergy problems so he does them and again it works. I’d rather have a dishwasher but Junior doesn’t want to spend that kind of money so he does the dishes. I haven’t cooked in several months now…..for some reason I am not doing it. I can’t give a logical reason but I am not. Junior cooks sometimes, I eat out a lot and frankly it is working for the time being. I do hope to get back to cooking but for now this is where we are at and “that is ok.” Junior accepts this quirk in me and I am thankful. I love that Junior gives me space to be “me.” I struggle doing what I’ve done for a lifetime. He isn’t mad or upset or anything. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t and Junior accepts this struggle within me. I find myself tolerant of Junior’s to me strange ways. I struggle I have to admit that but I generally will talk to God not complaining but to ask for help in accepting my guy. God has been faithful and helped me move past my moment of frustration. The more Junior accepts me as I am the more I find myself wanting to accept Junior as he is. Neither of us wants to be better than the other. We do want to be each other’s friend and companion. I like that a ton. Sometimes my ways drive him nuts, sometimes his ways drive me nuts but taking our frustration to God often helps us accept the other one and move out of the frustration. We tend to focus more on where God is leading us and do those things and yup it is wonderful! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet