May 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Today as I journal I find myself reflecting deeply and I find that my life hasn’t gone the way I had envisioned it. I saw me raising two children and the children being proud of me as their mother. I saw myself being a grandma and having the family around me. Life has not worked out the way I had pictured it in my mind. Part of my depression these past few years is that picture I had and my reality did not line up with each other. With God though I have found life to be worth living even if it isn’t turning out like I thought it would. When I keep seeking God I find myself doing things I never thought I could. I find myself being content with “who” I am and to whom I am married. Junior has been the outcast his whole life. He moved so much that he was always the new kid at school and he always had to prove himself. He still finds that at times he has a need to prove himself. He has gotten used to being the unpopular person and he is comfortable with this role. I see a man who has a very tender heart. I see a man who is attempting to live his faith daily and in doing so he tries to be the husband God is teaching him to be. Junior watched the grandkids for a bit while Mom went to school and Dad worked. Junior was wild with those kids. He played way too hard. I wish he would not have but I can’t change what he did. The family now has little use for this man. It makes me sad but I can’t make them love him or see the gem he really is. I am content with Junior though. God keeps opening my eyes to this wonderful man. He has flaws. We all do. Overall I wouldn’t change Junior though. We’ve been married 15 years now and frankly life with Junior has been more than pleasant. After living in fear for most of my life, I am content to live alongside of Junior. He has never offered to hit me. He has set the guidelines and I know what will set him off so I stay away from those moments. He can’t take slamming of doors, crashing of dishes. I know not to go “there.” I like I have the parameters to live within. When Junior raises his voice, I know I have gone over the line and I tend to pull back. I know to leave him alone and in short order we will be friends. I like that we make up fast after an argument. I like that he loves me even when we have fought. It has taken me a long time to realize Junior meant it when he asked me if I would take marriage seriously. He has meant that divorce is not an option and at this point I believe him. I have driven the car in the ditch on our property not once but two times. Both times Junior never raised his voice with me. The second time he let me know that he was not happy. He never raised his hand at me. When the car was out of the ditch, we were friends right away. Prior to Junior I would have heard swearing; screaming and I would see fists flying. It is what I knew so a man who could be angry and not give in to violence is strange to me. Junior has my awe, my respect. He may have his hard to deal with ways but I find that I can deal with those. I find that I am willing to deal with his flaws because he is willing to deal with my flaws. I am not a person who will respond with a harsh voice, or a fist. I tend to get obstinate so Junior has learned if he wants me to change, to stop that he needs to do it gently. I respond real well with gentleness. It is who I am and how I respond best. So I find with some people we are not “popular” and you know what? That is ok. Prior to Junior I would have done anything to get people to like me. Junior teaches me that no matter how hard I try someone will find me offensive. I live with me as I am and frankly the more I learn to accept myself the way I am, the happier I am. I can’t change to make everyone happy. I’d like to but I can’t. Out here in Virginia people tend to “get” Junior. I see an acceptance I did not see in Michigan. It is wonderful. People tend to know Junior is a bit too frank and they like him anyway. It helps me. Junior feels secure in the Lord and does not care what others think of him. As we are together more and more I am able to process this “who I am in the Lord” thing and God always holds me tight. So being the most popular person becomes less and less important to me. I also marvel at where I once was and where I am today. On my own I could not have made the changes that I have made. With Jesus as my Savior, my guide I am able to grow even in my older years and frankly that feels wonderful. I am able to live life, accept where I am in life and move forward all because Jesus loves me. In love I am able to be I think a better person. I am able to face life even if family does not want me. Do I hurt? Sure I do but somehow the more I give it to God, the less it matters and life is sweet. Do you try to please man or God? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 27, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I turned on Joyce Meyers and I am learning as I watch her program. It is a lesson I know and continue to learn. You reap what you sow. My words affect the outcome of my life overall. If I am constantly critical then my words will come back to me in a harsh way. If I am kind and loving I will reap kindness and love. Through the years I have also learned that the way I think or those private thoughts also affect me. I may say nice things but think critical thoughts. Those critical thoughts will come back and haunt me. I have been struggling for more than a decade to leave the anger from a previous life behind me. I have tried and tried and finally I have started asking God to help me. God has been faithful and for the first time in many years I can go days without fear and anger trying to rise up at the back of my mind. I marvel at God. Through the years I have learned to pray for those I struggle with emotionally. When I first married Junior he insisted that I learn to pray for my ex. For some reason when I pray for people I don’t harbor hatred and anger. I have struggled with fear but that is now finally leaving me. We can’t seem to lift people up and want the worst for them. I truly don’t hate my ex. I don’t want to be near him but I don’t hate him. I even marvel that I can finally admit that at one point I even loved him. I have hated admitting to myself that. Still there was a point that I did find him attractive. I now know peace with a man. Junior is gentle, kind and loving. He is the first man I have met in my life that is not constantly giving into his anger thus scaring the daylights out of me. Junior does get angry but I know he will not shove a fist at me in his anger even when I’ve screwed up and I find that amazing. When I drove the car in the ditch for the second time in a year, he was pretty angry. I knew he was not happy with me. Junior gets irritated with me frequently. I have been struggling big time with the way he works. He works on several projects at one time. I know that part of it is his back. He needs to move into another job when his back is hurting him and he will come back to it when he can. Still I struggle to see 3 projects going at the same time and nothing is finished. For me I start a project and work at it until it is done before moving onto the next thing. It is who I am. Junior is who he is. I find if I can focus on Junior’s good qualities then I am able to accept his hard to accept qualities. He is too good of a man to constantly be upset with over the way he works. I learn to appreciate Junior for the person he is, not the dream I have in my mind’s eye. When I kept writing Junior notes and telling him about his good qualities I found myself overlooking the annoying things he does. I find myself not wanting to criticize him because he is different than me and I begin to see his unique ways. As I begin to accept his unique ways I see his creative ways and I find I enjoy them immensely. Junior is very talented and he comes up with unique ideas that I totally love. He does that by the way he works, not by the way I work. The more I accept Junior and his ways I also find that he is tolerant of my hyper ways. He doesn’t seem to notice that I have an overly active mind. I can change subjects in a conversation often. Through the years I have seen people get irritated with me because of this trait. Junior is cute. He often says “she’s just that way.” He doesn’t seem to get that I am over active. He knows that is what I do and frankly he accepts that quirk in my personality. I find the more he accepts me just the way I am the more I strive to accept his strange to me ways. It seems to keep coming back to accepting people where they are at. Not everyone is into being overly organized like I am. When we go to MI I try to set up dates with various family and friends so we know what day we see certain people. It is what makes me comfortable. I have a few people on my list that will not set up an advance date with me. It drives me nuts. Still I try to accept them for who they are and we generally find time to get together. I am learning to call them on my way or when I get to MI and somehow we hook up. Junior likes the house with clutter. I don’t. I am learning to leave a few things alone and the house doesn’t get awful. I come from a family of hoarders. It is in the bloodline and I am fearful that the things in my life will one day overtake me. I want to be vigilant at keeping clutter under control. Junior is teaching me that clutter does not have to rule me. We can have an item or two out of place and not live in piles everywhere. When Junior gets up from his chair he will take the dishes we’ve brought into the TV area with him. He often will come into the area and if I’ve gotten something to eat he will walk off with my plate. The more I accept where Junior’s comfort level is the more he strives to be neat for me. We have a balance of neatness that works for the two of us. I am not constantly upset that he doesn’t pick up each item the way I like. He is not upset that the house is too neat. We meet in the middle. That is a very nice feeling. Do you accept your spouse for the person they are or are you trying to make them more like you? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 25, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Slowly I enter back into the land of the living. I have had an MRI and found that I have a birth defect which seems strange to find at my age. I finally have an understanding of what is going on with my body and that helps a lot. The brain stem is growing into the vertebrae. This creates the neck pain and some of the headaches I’ve been dealing with alongside of my balance problems and my hand shaking and my neat handwritings days are now over. Knowledge helps me to deal with the issues I’ve been struggling with and I find I am not as irritated with myself these days. My needing a cane has not been the struggle I have had with my handwriting. I could not figure out why my hands were shaking when I’d try to write….a simple task really but one I’m struggling with. Many mornings find me waking up with a headache and a neck ache. Two cups of coffee later it generally goes away. Last week I went to church only to ask Junior to bring me back home. I could not move past the pain. I came home took two Advil and slept most of the afternoon. When I got up I felt like I would live. My goal is to take medication only when caffeine doesn’t work. Most days I wake up with pain and a headache. By the time the 2nd cup of coffee is drunk I generally find I can function and move on with the day. I’m grateful that the coffee helps me function. Again I realize that working is not something I can do anymore. I thought having a part time job would be icing on the cake in retirement. I could have something to go to two or three days a week and not feel the rigid routine of a full time job. Nope, the girl can’t even do that these days. I do feel my blog is my part time job and at times I feel that God wants me to do that. If I were my younger self, I’d want to be going all the time and writing would be something I’d want to do but would find it hard to sit and do. Junior has set me up an office area and I love it. I mainly sit in the entry way during the day in a recliner which is comfy. I have an end table that is beside the chair. Junior took an old step ladder, painted it and put a shelf on the steps so I have room to store several types of office utensils. I have a calendar next to me and a bulletin board so I can tack up things as I need to. The land line phone is right next to my chair which is nice as well. Junior has thought through so many details that he once more amazes me. I start my mornings in this chair on the computer moving through my day. It is a routine I enjoy a ton. I sit here, drink my coffee, eat breakfast and move through the first part of my day. More and more when I have ended this time I begin to do some housework, go for a walk or walk on the ellipse. Yup retirement is settling nicely finally. As I write I also realize again that the depression that has been hanging on for a few years now is finally going away. I am a person who needs order and routines to function and as our lives settle back to routines and order I find myself able to contend with life so much better. Our home looks more like a home these days. We still don’t have a kitchen per se but that is slowly changing as well. Junior has begun working in the kitchen and one day it will be complete. I also find that I love it when Junior is on his computer and I am on mine. He is now taking a computer class so he is not playing solitaire as much. He likes keeping his brain active and for him taking a class allows him to do that. For me, I’m not a student per se. I don’t want to “make” the grade. I like classes that don’t require a grade because I want to be the “best” and frankly we are not all the best. I do like learning new things like crocheting, cross stitch and the like and I am in search of a class that will teach me how to do these projects. I only know one stitch with crocheting and I’d like to learn a few more things. I have found a couple of quilt projects with cross stitch and my brain can’t seem to wrap itself around the quilting piece so I’d like to have some help with that. Once more I sense God is moving me out of my depression. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew this depression would leave. I knew that God did not want to keep me in the state I was in. That has been a comfort to me. Gone are the days where I had absolutely no hope. I am a loved child of God. That sustains me so much anymore. The world may not like me but God does. In God I find I have a purpose, a reason to keep on keeping on. As I continue to pray through the cross most nights I find myself ever so thankful for the gift of Jesus’ death for us. Gone are the days where I don’t want to look at the horror of the cross. I still don’t like that Jesus went through all that but these days I find myself grateful for this precious gift. Because God cared and wanted to be in relationship with us, He provided a way for us to be in relationship with Him. To me it is amazing and filled with so much love. In the midst of despair I continue to have a real hope and I know that I will one day see the other side of my struggles. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Since God has asked me to give more of myself to Him and I found the stubborn part of me not wanting to, I have been in prayer asking God to help me overcome this struggle. Slowly I find peace settling within me and I find that one of my greatest wonderments starts to take shape. I often wonder what heaven will be like, what eternity will be like. Sometimes I get the notion that we will be a peace of God like a cell in the brain or such. Where did I get that idea? Then I sometimes think we will sit around on clouds playing harps and that is it. I can conjure up all kinds of strange thoughts. As I find myself feeling a little more at peace about allowing God to have all of me I find my thoughts turning to heaven again. This time I almost sense God telling me to look at Jesus after the resurrection. As I begin to recall the time that Jesus was on earth after He rose from the dead I find myself feeling calmer about heaven. I first see Mary in the garden asking Jesus where her Lord went. Jesus then says “Mary” and her eyes are opened to the fact that the man standing before her is Jesus. Mary is so excited to see Jesus. I always feel excited as I read this. As I do my recall I see Jesus come alongside the disciples as they walked down the road. They were upset about Jesus’ death and were talking about all that had happened. Jesus then told them about the Scripture that said he would die and rise from the dead. It was getting dark so they invited Jesus to stay with them. They shared a meal and Jesus took the bread and broke it and at that point the disciples realized it was Jesus they were with. Another scene shows Jesus walking into the room through the door, not an open door but the door closed. He then talks with the disciples. In another scene I see Jesus grilling fish for the fishermen out in the water. Overall I see Jesus with His body doing what we do in life. I see Him walking, reaching out to touch people and the like. As I process this information I find that all the strange questions I can conjure up begin to settle in my mind. I still don’t know exactly what heaven will be like but I feel calmer. I sense we will have purpose. I find myself often remembering that in heaven there will be no more pain or sorrow. As I struggle with this life’s major hurts I find that I truly long for a day of no pain or sorrow. I find also that I need to believe in an after- life. I find I need to believe in heaven and that thought comforts me. The struggles of this life will pass away and we live forever and ever. The eternity tends to send my thoughts off. I can’t imagine forever and ever. I try to but I can’t. I can only relate to what I know now. I know that we will have days of bliss, days of struggle. That is what I know. To be in a time that goes on forever and ever with no pain or sorrow? It is strange but I do long for such a thing. From time to time I even ponder Hell. I don’t stay with that thought very long. Generally when I think of Hell I think of Jesus dying. I think about the scourging. I think about bone and glass tied to the whip. I then think how deep the welts were on Jesus’ back and I generally want to cry. I think about how much blood Jesus must have lost. I see Him being mocked. That was cruel as well. I see the robe being put on his very tender back and think about major discomfort. I think His back doesn’t want the garment on it. Next I see nails pounded in Jesus flesh again I wince. We were not made to be hammered to a tree. Next I see Jesus struggling to get air into His lungs. He will pull up to fill His lungs, sink down till the air is out of his lungs only to rise up again. He did this for hours. Next I see Jesus’ tender back riding up and down as He tries to get air in his lungs and I imagine that His back was tore up even more. I have read that the scourging very likely could have taken His skin away and bare bone was exposed. Yup my stomach generally feels like a knot. As I go through Jesus’ last hours I marvel at the compassion He had. With all that pain Jesus prays for those who were hurting Him. “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Me….I’d probably want to cry, to not talk, to be about my pain. Not Jesus. He prays for those who were so cruel. Of course there is Jesus telling John to take His mother home with him to live. Lastly the one thief believes in Jesus, admits his sin and asks Jesus to be with Him in heaven. Jesus told the thief that he would be in paradise that day. That last interaction always gives me so much hope. From what I understand a faith journey is asking to let Jesus into our lives with a true heart. I also think we need to open ourselves to Jesus and the changes that He will make within us. As I have entered into this faith journey by asking to be forgiven of my sins and that Jesus would be Savior in my life, I see myself changing from what I once was to what I am now. It is not generally an instant change, at least it wasn’t for me. I can now look over the past many years and I see a very different person. I find myself talking to God on and off throughout the day. I am thankful, grateful and I now have a confidence I did not have at one time in my life. As I hurt I feel God’s tender touch on me. As I grow I feel God’s gentle direction in my life. I find myself trying harder and harder to please God. My goal is to give the hope I have. My hope is Jesus. What is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 22, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Since God has asked me to give more of myself to Him and I found the stubborn part of me not wanting to, I have been in prayer asking God to help me overcome this struggle. Slowly I find peace settling within me and I find that one of my greatest wonderments starts to take shape. I often wonder what heaven will be like, what eternity will be like. Sometimes I get the notion that we will be a peace of God like a cell in the brain or such. Where did I get that idea? Then I sometimes think we will sit around on clouds playing harps and that is it. I can conjure up all kinds of strange thoughts. As I find myself feeling a little more at peace about allowing God to have all of me I find my thoughts turning to heaven again. This time I almost sense God telling me to look at Jesus after the resurrection. As I begin to recall the time that Jesus was on earth after He rose from the dead I find myself feeling calmer about heaven. I first see Mary in the garden asking Jesus where her Lord went. Jesus then says “Mary” and her eyes are opened to the fact that the man standing before her is Jesus. Mary is so excited to see Jesus. I always feel excited as I read this. As I do my recall I see Jesus come alongside the disciples as they walked down the road. They were upset about Jesus’ death and were talking about all that had happened. Jesus then told them about the Scripture that said he would die and rise from the dead. It was getting dark so they invited Jesus to stay with them. They shared a meal and Jesus took the bread and broke it and at that point the disciples realized it was Jesus they were with. Another scene shows Jesus walking into the room through the door, not an open door but the door closed. He then talks with the disciples. In another scene I see Jesus grilling fish for the fishermen out in the water. Overall I see Jesus with His body doing what we do in life. I see Him walking, reaching out to touch people and the like. As I process this information I find that all the strange questions I can conjure up begin to settle in my mind. I still don’t know exactly what heaven will be like but I feel calmer. I sense we will have purpose. I find myself often remembering that in heaven there will be no more pain or sorrow. As I struggle with this life’s major hurts I find that I truly long for a day of no pain or sorrow. I find also that I need to believe in an after- life. I find I need to believe in heaven and that thought comforts me. The struggles of this life will pass away and we live forever and ever. The eternity tends to send my thoughts off. I can’t imagine forever and ever. I try to but I can’t. I can only relate to what I know now. I know that we will have days of bliss, days of struggle. That is what I know. To be in a time that goes on forever and ever with no pain or sorrow? It is strange but I do long for such a thing. From time to time I even ponder Hell. I don’t stay with that thought very long. Generally when I think of Hell I think of Jesus dying. I think about the scourging. I think about bone and glass tied to the whip. I then think how deep the welts were on Jesus’ back and I generally want to cry. I think about how much blood Jesus must have lost. I see Him being mocked. That was cruel as well. I see the robe being put on his very tender back and think about major discomfort. I think His back doesn’t want the garment on it. Next I see nails pounded in Jesus flesh again I wince. We were not made to be hammered to a tree. Next I see Jesus struggling to get air into His lungs. He will pull up to fill His lungs, sink down till the air is out of his lungs only to rise up again. He did this for hours. Next I see Jesus’ tender back riding up and down as He tries to get air in his lungs and I imagine that His back was tore up even more. I have read that the scourging very likely could have taken His skin away and bare bone was exposed. Yup my stomach generally feels like a knot. As I go through Jesus’ last hours I marvel at the compassion He had. With all that pain Jesus prays for those who were hurting Him. “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Me….I’d probably want to cry, to not talk, to be about my pain. Not Jesus. He prays for those who were so cruel. Of course there is Jesus telling John to take His mother home with him to live. Lastly the one thief believes in Jesus, admits his sin and asks Jesus to be with Him in heaven. Jesus told the thief that he would be in paradise that day. That last interaction always gives me so much hope. From what I understand a faith journey is asking to let Jesus into our lives with a true heart. I also think we need to open ourselves to Jesus and the changes that He will make within us. As I have entered into this faith journey by asking to be forgiven of my sins and that Jesus would be Savior in my life, I see myself changing from what I once was to what I am now. It is not generally an instant change, at least it wasn’t for me. I can now look over the past many years and I see a very different person. I find myself talking to God on and off throughout the day. I am thankful, grateful and I now have a confidence I did not have at one time in my life. As I hurt I feel God’s tender touch on me. As I grow I feel God’s gentle direction in my life. I find myself trying harder and harder to please God. My goal is to give the hope I have. My hope is Jesus. What is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 20, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Last night I was at the Women’s Bible study I attend. We are reading “A Woman after God’s Heart”. We learned our role in keeping a home for our family and it is something I believe but struggle to produce. When my kids were small I always enjoyed having furniture that dated back in time. To me it was a way to enter into the house and find a peaceful past that allowed you for a bit anyways to take the care of the world and leave it at the door. Of course our home was full of tension and fighting so it may have appeared to be a step back in time but we lived in chaos. I tried to cook homemade meals, cookies and I really liked making sweet breads. I love the smell of foods blending into the aroma of a home. During the Christmas season I found myself trying to bake up a storm. I did it for the smells and I found that giving baked goods away was a nice present to give to others. I gave of myself and that always makes me feel good. I remember as a very young child that my Grandma R’s house was always clean. I loved walking into her bedroom and seeing her bed made, the floors freshly swept. I had the same feeling when I went to my mother-in-laws home. She always walked into the room as she was cleaning or baking. It felt nice. I tried to be that for my family. I tried to have some sort of food cooking. I like making soup because you tend to put it on the stove and let it blend together for a few hours. To me there is wholesomeness in the smell of food filling the air in the home. With my strange sleep patterns of late I have gotten away from cooking again. Today I made a grilled cheese for lunch. I love it cooked in olive oil as opposed to butter. It is so tasty to me. It feels real wholesome especially if I used cheddar instead of processed cheese. I am happy even if I don’t manage to keep cooking daily. Well I never really make meals daily. Junior and I tend to eat the same meal for a day or two before I make something else. It works and I don’t feel so overwhelmed with making a meal or two each and every day. Now that I have my bowels under control again I find myself eating more fruits and vegetables and less junk food. That makes me happy. As the days are warmer I am once more outside walking and enjoying this form of exercise. I also find that I am making time to move about the house and get a few things accomplished. That makes me feel real good and productive. I like to feel productive. I am writing my blog three days a week now and I feel like I have a job outside the home so to speak. I enjoy sharing my faith journey. Some days I’m real good at this journey and some days I get by. Since my retirement I have found my health falling apart. In the midst of depression, health issues and the like though my walk with God has sustained me and in the past I would have wanted to give up. These days though I know that I know that there will be the other side where I will feel like being a part of the human race. That thought alone helps me move through health issues and depression. I continue to learn how to take my entire life to God. I talk to God daily about what is troubling me and God keeps telling me I am worth it. When I feel I am worth it I feel like joining the land of the living. I feel like I want to reach outside of myself and reach another person just for God. So my kids aren’t thrilled with their mother? My siblings think I’m a bit daffy? God keeps telling me that I am precious and useful and He loves me. Since starting my walk with the Lord I find that I don’t feel alone anymore. Even Junior who is about as reliable as they get will sometimes check out on me. God does not and in that I feel safe and wanted and alive. As I struggled with the “unwanted” feelings I found myself listing the people who care in my thoughts. It wasn’t the list I wanted but then I began to see if the ones I wanted to care don’t that these other people find me enjoyable, loveable and even smart. The more I’d list them the less need I had to have for the ones I pictured to be my supporters and accepted the ones that were there all the time. I also began to see that God kept putting me in relationships. First there was Junior. I marveled that I could truly enjoy a man, be his friend and Junior isn’t mean and scary to me. All the men prior to Junior that were in my life were mean and scary. Not Junior. He can be real tuff and he can be real gentle and I am so happy to know that about men. If I need defending, Junior is front and center. He lets me handle the struggles as I desire to and then he will step in. That is such a wonderful feeling. M from work has become a close friend. We share the sting of abuse and we understand each other on a level a lot of people don’t understand. M has been around since we were children and she can often guide me through moments of self-study So life hasn’t turned out the way I have pictured it to be. I’m not the Grandma I thought I’d be. I’ve spent so much time trying to avoid my ex that I’ve missed a lot of my grandchildren’s growing up years. It is what it is. I am sad but in the Lord….life is sweet. I don’t live in fear like I have for years. I know a man’s warmth and love. I know the feeling of being accepted and wanted. Yup, I’d rather do life in the Lord than without the Lord! May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

May 18, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I’ve been to the neurologist and I have found out that I have a birth defect. It is strange to hear the words birth defect at my age. Until now I did not know I had a problem so it is confusing. I was dumbfounded when I heard and now questions arise. I will need to wait to talk to my doctor because as I try to research on line I’m not getting a response to my particular problem. My UN balanced ways at present seem to be because my brain stem hangs too low in my vertebrae. I was dumb founded when I heard the news. The doctor suggested a visit to a surgeon and I’m a little concerned about surgery on my brain stem and my vertebrae. I don’t see my family doctor for a couple of weeks. So I wait to absorb more information on my condition. I am grateful that I asked a friend to give me a thought about what was happening to me. It kept me from over focusing that I have a problem and making it something it was not. I was so surprised to find out I had a birth defect that I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the problem and now a few days later the questions seem to cloud around in my head. It has been hard for me to not over panic about what is going on inside of my body. That has been the way I have dealt with struggles in the past. I have learned through the years that the major things my brain can come up with are generally way off base to what I have so learning how to wait and hear what is wrong is new for me. I have taken my concern to God and I find a peace in waiting. My friend who knows a lot about health issues has given me enough information to keep my fear at bay. Then when I want to worry I go to prayer and I find peace settle within me. I went on line to try and see what I could determine and did not get much information. I did see that some of my night time up and down moments may be the result of my brain stem in my vertebrae but that is about all I could find. It is a birth defect and from what I can determine it is very uncommon. So I wait to talk to my doctor. For me old age has meant that I have health issues. I don’t have life threatening health issues but I am not able to be the woman I once was. I am learning how to move about more slowly and differently. I still want to tackle a project in a few hours and then move into life. Nope now I need to do the several hours thing in several days. I still struggle not being able to move about like I once did. I sit for hours and to be honest my brain is still trying to go a mile a minute and my body is not. It is a struggle. I appear to be lazy and the sad fact is I am not being lazy, I can’t move if I wanted to. Each day starts with a talk with myself about the list of chores I’d like to do. Some days I can and some days I can’t and it is what it is. That is my saving grace these days “it is what it is.” If I allow myself to believe that line then I am not beating myself up and being angry that I am not the person I once was. I find myself going to God more and more. He has comforted me through the divorce, the kids’ frustration with me. God has helped me deal with family thinking I’m not a very smart woman and the like. God has given me friends who enjoy me. God has given me Junior and as I discover how much I mean to him I find peace within my being. It isn’t what I wanted to be in life but in Jesus I find I can still wake up and enjoy what I do have. As we continue to settle here in Virginia I am amazed at how much we love where we are at. I love our home and thank God almost daily for this house, this place where we have moved. The weather is good for both Junior and I. It generally does not get as cold in the winter like Michigan does and it does not get Florida hot in the summer. For us we both are in a zone where the weather is good for each of us. Junior prefers winter and I prefer warmer weather and not the heat of the Deep South. It amazes me. I am able to move about as I am able. I love that too. I don’t know how I’d be able to work if I had to and I find myself so grateful that I was able to retire when my body was giving out on me. These days I can work at the pace my body wants me to and again I am thankful. I also am thankful that Junior is patient with my slower ways. The older I get the more I find I don’t want to live without God as my compass. I need God’s direction in most every detail of my life anymore. I’d like to give God even more of “me” but I am working through this issue. God asks for more of me and I find myself wanting to hold back. I don’t know why, I know that life in Jesus is way better than not. So where does this stubborn refusal come from? I keep going to prayer and I find myself letting go little by little. I don’t think I could have done this on my own. I find it strange that I still have these moments since I’ve been walking with the Lord in earnest now for a good 15-16 years. Again prayer helps me to keep moving closer to where God wants me to be so I find a peace grow within me. Where is your faith journey? Are you listening to Jesus? Is it time? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet