June 30, 2012 Greetings My Friend, “And that is ok” is running through my thoughts today. We were on a mission trip and the leader said that throughout the week as we ran into problems. That little phrase has rolled around in my thoughts for a few years now and it helps me to let go of the things I need to let go of. As I was journaling today that phrase came back to me. I was talking about my need for Prozac. I went all the way back to when I was a newlywed some 40 years ago. I was thinking about a friend I had back then. We were both young and both of our husbands were abusing us. We had many talks about our situations. She confided in me one day that they were in the kitchen and she grabbed a cast iron skillet and hit him in the face with it. From that time on he did not strike her. I believe that is when I began in earnest trying to fight back with my husband. I thought maybe that one blow would get him to stop. I never found that one blow that would make him stop. I also tried reasoning with him and that did not work either. Anyway this friend began to have some problems with her emotions, her hair falling out etc. She went to the Doctor’s and she found out that her thyroid was going bad. She had to take medication for her thyroid for the rest of her life. I am still processing my need to take Prozac. I truly did not want to get into this medication. To go off of some of these types of medication, is a huge process. I have known friends who went off of this type of medication and it can take months to wean you from it. I was truly concerned about the consequences. I was praying about this as well. I remember waking up one day and praying “Lord I can’t keep doing this.” I was in yet another bout with depression and the pain of it was unbearable. As I look back though I have dealt with depression my whole life and up until now I have been able to work my way out of it with the aid of counseling. In these last years my faith journey has helped me a whole lot. In the midst of my deepest darkest days I have known I was not alone. That has sustained me greatly. Still I was getting to the point I could not cope on my own. My favorite line these past few years is “as I am coming back to a sense of health.” In that statement I see the “hope” I have. Then one day I wake up and realize I can’t do this on my own anymore. Because I have prayed I believe I am listening to God and I believe God has said, I do need this medication. That phrase keeps coming back “and that is ok.” Again I am finding comfort. Some people need medicine for cancer, thyroid issues etc. I need medication for my depression and “that is ok.” I think I am finally coming to terms with this need for Prozac. Many people will meet me in the years to come and they will be surprised as I was surprised to find out others who needed this medication. “And that is ok.” I do love that phrase! I use this phrase in my mind as I struggle with people who are different than me. I use this phrase when I am frustrated when I am to meet someone and they are late or don’t show up. I use this phrase with “me’ when I can’t get up and do what I once did. I use this phrase when I attempt something and can’t get it right. This phrase helps me process life a whole lot. For me getting older means that I am finally accepting myself for who I am. As I write I see a picture of me when I was in high school. It is a poster of me with long hair and my teeth look straightened out. I broke my front tooth in high school. Then I had a cap put on and it straightened my crooked teeth out for the most part. I see my long nose in this picture. I never felt pretty and then I look at this picture and realize I wasn’t that bad looking. I was so hard on myself. When I see pictures of me now I see me with pudgy cheeks and to me a very heavy body I want to be critical of myself. I want to not like me the way I am. People through the years have convinced me that I would not look good if I were as skinny as I want to be. I use my phrase “and that is ok” even as I look back. In that I begin to see that in my own way I was attractive. I am learning even in these older years that it is not my looks as much as it is “who” I am. The more I try to be a child of God the more I accept myself the way God has made me. So in my older years I am heavier, “that is ok.” In my older years people may not understand me and thus not like me well “that is ok.” At this point in my life my goal is to seek God daily, to walk in His ways and to reach out with God’s love. To be honest the more I embrace this new life style, the more content I am. So if I need medication to help me do life….”that is ok.” Are you ok with who you are? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 27, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I have been on Prozac for a month now. The general despair I have felt for so long is fairly much gone. Junior even tells me he is glad I did not listen to him and went ahead and got on Prozac. He likes that I don’t have that need to discuss my past so much these days. He likes that I am more content as well. I find that my sleep is way better. I don’t wake up for hours most nights now. If I do I wake up it is for only an hour and then I sleep the rest of the night. I actually sleep all night more often than not now. I like that a whole lot. For this reason alone I am grateful for Prozac and of course I am grateful for the calmer me. I have been hoping to come back more in regards to housework. I have not and that discourages me. I find that I sit and watch TV way more than I have ever watched TV. I am not exercising yet. I have not even gone back to volunteering either. I stopped when I started taking B for her treatments. I sit in my chair and watch TV or I look on the computer. Cooking….so far I am not doing much of that either. This is frustrating to me and yet I sit. I don’t engage in life like I have in the past. I don’t like me this way and I am not changing. I get caught up in programs like DIY, the Walton’s or Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I don’t do what I have done for a good portion of my life. Junior is sweet and will pick up some of my slack. He does the dishes. I don’t. I want a dishwasher and he doesn’t want to spend the money. I don’t like me this way and I am not changing. We are in the process of changing the family/front room around. Junior needs to put up a new ceiling in the family room and then we will use this more as a 2nd bedroom/office area. I had thought that I could help Junior and I can’t and well I just sit waiting for….what I don’t know. I tell myself that I am using my time more effectively. In the mornings most days now I get up, look on FB, journal, pray and read my Bible. I am writing 2 days a week on average. I tell myself that is good at least I am doing something productive. Then I sit trying to figure out what to do. I even know I can do things but then I don’t feel like it for some reason. This routine takes me to about noon or so. That is nice. If I need to run errands I do. Gone are the ice tea runs. I am not doing that on a daily basis now. I am using those drink mixes and drinking my water fairly well. I also am taking my showers later in the day now and I am not falling asleep right afterward. I see so much improvement in where I have been and where I am now. Still I am not where I’d like to be. I have been an energetic person for most of my life so this sitting thing is frustrating and yet I sit. I have enjoyed some form of exercise for most of my life and I don’t even do that. I will walk for a few weeks and then quit. We quit going to the gym after I had my appendix out. So Prozac has helped me a lot and then there are areas I need to still work out. I am still in counseling. I am aiming to be more involved at home and I pray that soon I will truly start this journey. I am a planner. I try to plan out my day and then follow through. I even make plans like “today I am going to….” Then I don’t do it. I am grateful for Junior’s patience. That is another problem figuring out how to work behind Junior. To me he is not organized. He does great work but I can’t figure his style of accomplishing things out. If I am doing things I tend to get in his way and that frustrates him. My goal is to be a helpmate not a hindrance so then I go sit. When I am sitting watching TV, FBing, writing or e-mailing I am not in his way. My heart feels that God will direct me and I will come back to a measure of the “worker” I used to be. I also realize I may not be able to do what I did when I was younger. God has brought me out of the despair I have felt. I have felt God’s hugs even in the midst of my despair so somewhere deep inside of me I feel I will come out of this funk. The biggest goal of my blog is to write about God’s direction in my life. For the longest time I felt if I prayed the sinner’s prayer then I’d have a cake walk life, be rich, the whole nine yards. Being in a faith journey is not a cake walk life. At times it is harder than when I was not in this faith journey, for me though my faith journey teaches me that I am not alone and that alone feeling has been my struggle in life. God has helped me face life. God helps me do life. Because I am not alone I find I can overcome much in my life. When I get to the other side of my struggles and see that God has walked me through it I am often amazed that I ‘did it.’ That is the “hope” I have and the “hope” I want to share. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 23, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I keep coming back to the thought of evil spirits. At one point in my life I was told I could “not believe” in evil spirits or Satan and then they did not exist. That comforted me for a long time since they scared me so badly. As I began to read my Bible though I began to see that Jesus talked about Satan and evil spirits and I felt that I needed to take them seriously. I don’t spend my every waking moment contemplating them and I try to fill my head with God and His love and I attempt to keep the spirits away from me by asking God to guide my steps. I still don’t like thinking about them to be honest. Then recently I talked with someone about the junk that was going on in my home and I felt even more pain for my siblings. I wasn’t subjected to some of the sexual abuse they were. I was the tattle tale child which saved me. A friend mentioned the evil spirits we allow to enter our lives and in some ways I find comfort and in some ways I am even sadder. I know for a good portion of my life I have wanted to be good and even have tried to be good. I was the oldest and a lot was expected out of me so my need to preform was great….was that my “being good?” I don’t know. I want to think that as children we are innocent and can’t allow evil into our lives. So again this is hard for me to process. I can look at my life since that is what I truly know and I see moments where I allowed some not good stuff to come reside in me. I had a dream life of other men. I never acted upon it but given time I may have. I had a temper a nasty one. I would haul off and slug people for no reason. I loved gossip. I would gossip every chance I got. I even drank and did drugs. I have not been a saint for sure. For a long time I even thought that my kids would love to hear my stories of how bad I was in high school. They weren’t interested. After a while I didn’t like living on the “wild” side. I settled down and tried to live a wholesome life. I remember in high school/junior high I wanted to have a wholesome look. I never longed to be a beautiful model. I just wanted to look wholesome. I also wanted to be wholesome and did not want to be unwholesome. I would say other than for a short period in my life I have wanted to be “good.” My siblings often called me “goody two shoes.” My guess is I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I was constantly told that I had to set an example for my sister and brother. I wanted my example to be a good one since I wanted Mom and Dad to be proud of me I guess I did not want to do bad things for my siblings either. With that “goodness” in mind I guess I wasn’t inviting anything evil into my life overall. Like I said I did have moments. I remember thinking in high school it would be cool to drink. It took me a while before I entered into drugs. I finally did and both my alcohol and drug use was short lived. I have to thank my ex for that. The stranger the requests got the more I found I did not want to be high and so I gave it all up after a time. I would have to say that my thought life was real bad for a good portion of my life. As I state often my shower time sent me into darkness most days. I remembered hurts over and over and over. I had my lustful thoughts. I was angry a whole lot. I was afraid of my anger as well. I had found that my children each took me to the point of no return once and then I backed off. I did not want to harm them as I had been harmed. I did not spank them very often. I knew that I’d go over the edge so I just did not spank them much at all. Dad started working on me about my temper and I kept at it. Today I rarely get mad. Junior and I have never ever hit each other. We talk out our struggles. I do deal with hurt and depression. I won’t strike anyone though. Since my divorce my goal is to talk to God daily. I try to read my Bible most days. I try to read it through and in the good years I read my Bible through and do some sort of study as well. I find that I am able to love deeper and more freely. Again I struggle with hurts and depression. My love though astounds me. I am able to love deeper now. I feel that God will replenish me. It is a wonderful feeling. I want to tell myself that as children we don’t know evil spirits. Frankly though we do. If I think on this then that is why we learn to “think outside” of ourselves and as children we are totally immersed into what we want when we want it way of being. We have to learn to think outside of our wants and desires as we grow up. In Proverbs I learn over and over that we need to discipline our children. How many adults do we know who are still stuck on the idea that what they want is what the world should give them? How many adults seem stuck in permanent puberty? They seem to party well into older years like they did in high school. As I have watched the generations through the years there seems to be a period of time for the ‘party’ lifestyle and then the young people begin to grow up. They have mortgages to pay, children to rear and the party days soon leave them. My head wants to say “no” evil spirits aren’t real. My heart says “oh yes there are evil spirits.” My thought as I end this is again found in the Bible. God commands parents to teach their children, to keep the commandments and to talk about them as they sit at home and walk along. Parents are you teaching your children about God and His ways? May God bless you and keep you make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 20, 2012 Greetings My Friend, This is the last week we will be taking B to the cancer center. I am so hopeful for her. For me I had stage0 cancer. She has stage 2 cancer which is not bad. I believe we can both live a long life. I am 7 years cancer free so I feel that is a blessing beyond belief. I pray she too will move on with life. For the past several weeks, I have driven her there most of the days. Actually we take turns. Most days I drive there and she drives home. Her car is not dependable so we take our car. I was grateful for this opportunity to care for my friend. For me I used this time to attempt to come “back” more. Many days I get there and have had to take a nap because I was so tired. Since Prozac though my naps aren’t as often which feels wonderful. I have not done much at home though. I quit cooking and started bringing home carry outs for dinner. As the end comes I am finding myself contemplating on how to fill my days at home again. Junior is in the process of changing the family room into more of a bedroom/office/exercise area. The front room will be where the recliners and couch will be…our family room now. He has moved a bunch of boxes up to the attic. He hung an area rug on the wall….the dogs bathroom habits aren’t good as of yet although we are seeing more days with no potty messes now. As these rooms are finished then I see me starting to keep them up more. I will add that to the bathroom and the bedroom. The kitchen table still holds “stuff” and Junior said he will get it cleaned off of all his tools etc. Once that is in order I hope I can truly become the house keeper I have been in the past. My prayer is that I am truly on the road to recovery and very little backsliding now. These past few years with depression and health issues have taken a toll on me. The 2 moves in 2 years have added to my general discouragement as well. I am ever grateful we moved to VA but to be honest it has been hard emotionally. I love the scenery out here. I love the people and their acceptance of people for who they are without a lot of attitudes. That has been wonderful. For the first time in my life I feel like I am accepted for whom I am and I don’t have to be the “norm”. It is wonderful! As I have learned more of my past I am also grateful for Prozac. I am able to process this new memory better and let it go better. I am trying to figure out what to do with what I have learned. Am I learning this so I can help someone down the line? Is there something I need to work through so I can continue to be healthy emotionally? These are some of the questions I am sorting through. I also am struggling with the pain of my siblings. I find that in many ways I have been spared a lot of what they went through. That has been hard to understand. For the first time in my life I see where my tattle tale ways have saved me. I was a loud child, a tattle tale and I told whatever crossed my path. Being a tattle tale is frowned upon and I have understood that it is wrong at least by society’s standards. For me though because I was a tattle tale, I was spared some of the sexual abuse my siblings went through. As I have questioned this in my prayers I find some answers that I have yet to fully comprehend. I find that from a young child I have wanted to be good. I believe the Bible when it states that God will place on our hearts right and wrong. This is what I am trying to understand. I knew that some of the stuff that was going on was wrong. I don’t remember being “taught” it per se. I just knew it wasn’t right. At this point I go back and realize God placed that on my heart at a young age. I find I was more in tune with God than I realized. So then the question arises in my mind “Why did they suffer what they suffered?” As I sort this out I have been told that we allow spirits to enter us. They may have accepted more evil? I am not sure I understand. I am sad because I know what they endured was worse than what I endured and I endured a lot of crud. I was the one that was made to….so I also see my journey was different as well. I was the one my parents relied on to get things done. I was the one that talked to bill collectors and my siblings weren’t so again my journey was different and I struggled with different struggles. I did not get off without my own struggles. I also had some of the sexual abuse they dealt with. I did not have as much though. I was the tattle tale and no one knew if I would tell so it was safer to leave me alone. Again I marvel that my bad habit saved me from more than what I did deal with. Because of my childhood I found I was more willing to tolerate things I should not have tolerated in life. I had thought that this went on in every home. As I went through counseling I learned not to accept things I thought I should. The people at the bank also taught me so much. They don’t even know it but from them I began to learn how to assert myself. I am ever grateful I learned the lessons I have learned. So I continue with counseling and Prozac and even in my older years I am still growing. At this point I never ever want to walk away from God. He has sustained me. I have been able to live because I know I am a wanted child of God. That gives me such hope and such courage. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 16, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My mind has been working through my past again. With Prozac I am not staying in the thought as long but I am able to look at incidents and then let go more fully now. My mind goes back to when I first entered into counseling. I started talking about some of the junk that went on with my Dad and the counselor told me “it wasn’t that bad.” I went for a while longer and began my journey of being in and out of counseling. I went back into counseling a while later with someone else and I again told of some of the junk that went on with my Dad. This counselor listened to me and acknowledged my pain. From that point on I began to let go of the hurt and anger. It was a process but by the time Dad died I was able to accept who he was and what went on. I took care of Dad along with the rest of the family. I even held Dad as he died. It was a bittersweet moment. I had forgiven him. Part of my struggle with my former marriage has been the same feeling of not being heard. Right from the start everyone kept telling me that “he changed.” Then I heard from family that “he is my hero.” No one has ever wanted to hear of my struggle and what I dealt with. They did not want to hear the details. I learned early on not to talk about my pain. No one really wanted to hear it. I continue to get the feeling that people don’t think what was done to me was all that bad. I recently have asked my counselor to help me process that part of my life and we are beginning that with my next appointment. She had me write it out so she could read it and then guide me. I wrote it out and read it to B when she was out for a visit recently. After I read it to her she acknowledged my pain. That felt wonderful. With that one acknowledgement I find myself being ready to finally lie this to rest. I don’t want to hurt him with my telling. I just need to “unload.’ I don’t want anything more than the opportunity to talk and then let go. It rolls around in my head and I’m tired of it. Do I remember each incident…not really? I just remember the general craziness. Long gone are the days where I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I just want to be acknowledged and to be able to live this new life. Prozac is helping me to let go more. I feel though that in order for me to heal more fully I need to ‘tell’ not to hurt him anymore but to be able to let go of the thoughts that continue to jump around in my brain. I’ve been told I need to forgive him. My forgiveness has been a process and over all I do forgive him. I have found though that for me anyway forgiveness is a process. I truly don’t want harm to come to him. I think the best thing Junior taught me is to pray for him. I’ve been praying for him now since I’ve been married to Junior. Early on in my prayers I cried to God and then slowly I found I did not hate the man. Now fear on the other hand has continued to plague me. Junior has been ever patient with me and has tried to listen. As a man Junior faces a problem and then begins to work through it. As a woman though I have a need to talk about it and Junior has listened. He responds to me even. To be honest I have not felt “heard.” He often will say things like there are 2 sides to every problem. He is right. I needed to “hear’ that what I experienced was rough. I did not need to hear his comment of ‘two sides to every problem.” As I left the marriage I was in counseling and I needed to figure out how to be “single.” I needed to figure out how to live my new life. Then I met Junior. I started dating him around 9 months after the divorce and we married 15 months after the divorce. I did not do the work of dealing with what went on in my marriage. I was trying to live life. Then I needed to figure out how to be Junior’s wife. I learned to pray for my marriage and I continue to pray. On my own…I would have probably not been able to figure out what Junior needed but with God’s guidance I have been able too. Dad was a kid who left home at 14 and did not return. He learned how to fend for himself. He stayed in garages and soon the guys offered him a job. Dad supported himself from then on….well till he had polio anyway. I believe that Dad was a 14 year old in a lot of his thinking. His jokes were always of bathroom humor and the like. He overcame a whole lot in his life and when I can look back now I understand. I don’t like what was done but I have compassion for him. I have been able to come to that point because of counseling and to be honest because I was acknowledged. I don’t know what made my ex the way he was. From what I can tell his home life wasn’t as crazy as mine. It might have been I don’t know. I would like to have peace in my mind about him though. Again I don’t hate him. I have forgiven where I can and am desperately trying to let go of the past. I can’t do this on my own though. I believe the “acknowledgement” piece will help me to lay this whole thing to rest. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 16, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My mind has been working through my past again. With Prozac I am not staying in the thought as long but I am able to look at incidents and then let go more fully now. My mind goes back to when I first entered into counseling. I started talking about some of the junk that went on with my Dad and the counselor told me “it wasn’t that bad.” I went for a while longer and began my journey of being in and out of counseling. I went back into counseling a while later with someone else and I again told of some of the junk that went on with my Dad. This counselor listened to me and acknowledged my pain. From that point on I began to let go of the hurt and anger. It was a process but by the time Dad died I was able to accept who he was and what went on. I took care of Dad along with the rest of the family. I even held Dad as he died. It was a bittersweet moment. I had forgiven him. Part of my struggle with my former marriage has been the same feeling of not being heard. Right from the start everyone kept telling me that “he changed.” Then I heard from family that “he is my hero.” No one has ever wanted to hear of my struggle and what I dealt with. They did not want to hear the details. I learned early on not to talk about my pain. No one really wanted to hear it. I continue to get the feeling that people don’t think what was done to me was all that bad. I recently have asked my counselor to help me process that part of my life and we are beginning that with my next appointment. She had me write it out so she could read it and then guide me. I wrote it out and read it to B when she was out for a visit recently. After I read it to her she acknowledged my pain. That felt wonderful. With that one acknowledgement I find myself being ready to finally lie this to rest. I don’t want to hurt him with my telling. I just need to “unload.’ I don’t want anything more than the opportunity to talk and then let go. It rolls around in my head and I’m tired of it. Do I remember each incident…not really? I just remember the general craziness. Long gone are the days where I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I just want to be acknowledged and to be able to live this new life. Prozac is helping me to let go more. I feel though that in order for me to heal more fully I need to ‘tell’ not to hurt him anymore but to be able to let go of the thoughts that continue to jump around in my brain. I’ve been told I need to forgive him. My forgiveness has been a process and over all I do forgive him. I have found though that for me anyway forgiveness is a process. I truly don’t want harm to come to him. I think the best thing Junior taught me is to pray for him. I’ve been praying for him now since I’ve been married to Junior. Early on in my prayers I cried to God and then slowly I found I did not hate the man. Now fear on the other hand has continued to plague me. Junior has been ever patient with me and has tried to listen. As a man Junior faces a problem and then begins to work through it. As a woman though I have a need to talk about it and Junior has listened. He responds to me even. To be honest I have not felt “heard.” He often will say things like there are 2 sides to every problem. He is right. I needed to “hear’ that what I experienced was rough. I did not need to hear his comment of ‘two sides to every problem.” As I left the marriage I was in counseling and I needed to figure out how to be “single.” I needed to figure out how to live my new life. Then I met Junior. I started dating him around 9 months after the divorce and we married 15 months after the divorce. I did not do the work of dealing with what went on in my marriage. I was trying to live life. Then I needed to figure out how to be Junior’s wife. I learned to pray for my marriage and I continue to pray. On my own…I would have probably not been able to figure out what Junior needed but with God’s guidance I have been able too. Dad was a kid who left home at 14 and did not return. He learned how to fend for himself. He stayed in garages and soon the guys offered him a job. Dad supported himself from then on….well till he had polio anyway. I believe that Dad was a 14 year old in a lot of his thinking. His jokes were always of bathroom humor and the like. He overcame a whole lot in his life and when I can look back now I understand. I don’t like what was done but I have compassion for him. I have been able to come to that point because of counseling and to be honest because I was acknowledged. I don’t know what made my ex the way he was. From what I can tell his home life wasn’t as crazy as mine. It might have been I don’t know. I would like to have peace in my mind about him though. Again I don’t hate him. I have forgiven where I can and am desperately trying to let go of the past. I can’t do this on my own though. I believe the “acknowledgement” piece will help me to lay this whole thing to rest. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

Greetings My Friend, This is the last week we will be taking B to the cancer center. I am so hopeful for her. For me I had stage0 cancer. She has stage 2 cancer which is not bad. I believe we can both live a long life. I am 7 years cancer free so I feel that is a blessing beyond belief. I pray she too will move on with life. For the past several weeks, I have driven her there most of the days. Actually we take turns. Most days I drive there and she drives home. Her car is not dependable so we take our car. I was grateful for this opportunity to care for my friend. For me I used this time to attempt to come “back” more. Many days I get there and have had to take a nap because I was so tired. Since Prozac though my naps aren’t as often which feels wonderful. I have not done much at home though. I quit cooking and started bringing home carry outs for dinner. As the end comes I am finding myself contemplating on how to fill my days at home again. Junior is in the process of changing the family room into more of a bedroom/office/exercise area. The front room will be where the recliners and couch will be…our family room now. He has moved a bunch of boxes up to the attic. He hung an area rug on the wall….the dogs bathroom habits aren’t good as of yet although we are seeing more days with no potty messes now. As these rooms are finished then I see me starting to keep them up more. I will add that to the bathroom and the bedroom. The kitchen table still holds “stuff” and Junior said he will get it cleaned off of all his tools etc. Once that is in order I hope I can truly become the house keeper I have been in the past.