May 28, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
Junior and I experienced the miracle of birth this week. Puppup our Shitzu gave birth to six puppies. Five of them lived, one died. Puppup amazed me. While she was giving birth in between babies she would crawl up in my lap or curl next to Junior. She let us hold her babies with no fussing. The first puppy or two, she let Junior pull the sack off the face, and then she started doing it herself.
I was amazed at her trust in us. I was amazed at the babies being born and the whole process. I had expected that we’d wake up and there were her babies or we’d come home from an outing and there she would be with her babies. Puppup wanted us right beside her, petting on her, encouraging her and loving her.
I love hearing the squeals they make. I love watching Puppup clean on them, feed them and protect them. She continues to let Junior and I hold them. P our friend came by to see the babies. Puppup barked at her. She doesn’t know P like we do so she was protecting her young. It was a precious sight.
The babies’ eyes are not open yet. Those babies somehow get buried in the blankets and are hard to find. We have put a blanket down that is not as big and bulky so there is less room for them to get lost in.
Junior and I have started dating again. We lost track of that with the two moves. I am amazed at the thrill of dolling myself up for my man. I am trying to wear eye make-up again. I have found with the longer hair (for me) that my bangs get in my eyes and under my nose. I get so itchy. I’ve started wearing headbands and clips. That is fun too, finding pretty things for my hair. The eye make-up may only be for special occasions since the itching and burning have come back.
I am finding that even though I’m older, I still have a desire to be “girlie”. After I had breast cancer I could not wear a bra. Bra’s irritated my skin real bad. I went a few years without wearing one. Finally last year I found a kind I could wear, the cotton fabric covers the elastic area and does not itch or leave deep welts. Each day now I find myself thanking God because I can do what women do, wear a bra.
I love eye make-up. I wore it for years. A few years ago I had to give up wearing it. I have allergies and my eyes burned and itched something awful. I learned though that Junior meant it when he said I was beautiful with or without it. My husband has been so precious. For most of my life I felt I was not going to be loved if I had weight on me, didn’t look all dolled up all the time etc. Junior always looks at me, talks to me and touches me like I’m the most beautiful thing on earth.
Mr. Junior is attracted to red haired and green eyed women. Fionna on Burn Notice is the ideal woman. She is beautiful and she plays with guns. Me, I have none of his ideal traits. Still he makes me feel so pretty and so loved.
After we married he would tell people that I saved him from red haired and green eyed women. To him they were feisty, and would fly off the handle for any reason. He feels that God opened his heart to receive me warts and all. Each day he sets out to love me and I feel it. With this kind of love, I find myself wanting to be all that I can be for him.
I remember telling Junior when I met him that I was looking for boring. I guess several women had told him he was boring. My comment was a compliment and he picked that up. For me I was done with roller coaster relationships.
I am sure many people find Junior and me to be boring. We love our life though. We don’t need drama to enjoy life. I love our quiet life. I love our trips, our being home and putzing. It is fun. It is quiet. Our fights are rare and when we have them, they are not loud and mean.
One of the first things we tried to do when we married was not to use “put down” humor. For the most part we don’t give into it. Once in a while we do, we apologize and then we work at not doing it again. Our biggest goal is to Agape love each other.
For me the prayer God gave me when Junior was in his curb side shopping phase has been a huge blessing. I asked God to open my eyes and heart to Junior. I kept saying “God what does his heart have to do with trash?” One day I watched Junior bending over load after load of clothes he got from the curb. His back was hurting so bad and he kept doing the clothes washing and folding them so tenderly at that point, I saw Junior’ heart. He was washing those clothes so he could give them to the poor. My husband has a very tender heart. Not only does he treat me so tenderly, he loves the lost, the lonely and the hurting.
Sometimes I allow other people’s thoughts to matter way too much. I often felt that people didn’t like Junior because of some of his strange ways. God is teaching me, to look at my husband and not worry what others think. Here in Virginia, our church family loves us just the way we are. Junior cuts his own hair, has huge whitewalls around his ears. The church family sees him, shakes his hand, hugs him and loves him as he is. I like that a whole bunch.
I have learned a great lesson. Love people where they are at. That’s what God has done with me, with us. It is wonderful.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
May 21, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
When I was a young mother I had a couple of friends who miscarried. My heart broke for them. I asked a Minister how to talk to these women and he said that I need to realize that that child is the one they wanted. Telling them that they can have more babies does not help, it actually hurts them even more.
As I have stated from the time I was in elementary school I wanted to be a mother. It was very important to me. God blessed me and I had two children, a girl and a boy. I loved them with all the love I was able to give. In the craziness of my first marriage, my children became my life line. I lived because I didn't want them to grow up without a mother or father. I did have a moment where I stood at a knife drawer and stared at it for a long time. I wanted to do something that scares me even now when I think on it. Because my children were that important to me, I shut the drawer and walked away.
When I divorced both of my children were in their early 20's. Through the years, I've learned that no matter what age parent's divorce, there is a lot of emotion and anger not only with the parents, but also with the children. Each person in that family must come to terms with many things. It is a process at times a very long process.
I have been praying and waiting for the storm of emotions to pass. It has been 14 years and to be honest, there are still the storms. For me I find myself moving forward and then....something out the past comes roaring back. I need to process yet again and it is hard on me, my husband who has heard this over and over and over again as I process yet again.
I know the children have had a need to make sense of many things. I understand and I miss them terribly. Several people in my life are able to shut doors and move on. I always wonder why I can't. I miss my children a whole lot. One child has reached out to me only to process more junk and get angry again. The other child has allowed the door to shut and hasn't opened it at all. I grieve for them and I grieve for me. I wish I could go back and make things right. I can't so I love them from a distance more often than not.
This is where my faith journey sustains me. God holds me, comforts me and even pushes me out the door when I'd rather sit on the couch and wrap a blanket around me. Since I can't always hug them, I pray for them. That comforts me too. I give God my children. I can't put them in better hands.
I have come to realize that my feelings are like those women who miscarried. These are my children, the ones I wanted. I asked J, she has miscarried twice and she has told me that is exactly the feelings she has had. She understood how I love the daylights out of her, but my children....are the ones I wanted. I won't ever walk away from her. She is now the one I want at this time, my children I gave birth to are also the ones I want. I can't ever thank God enough for J. She says I think we need to go shopping when I call up and she hears my sadness. It is precious, I know that she is loving me in her J way.
As my son re-enters my life...I am overjoyed. I had a person tell me recently that I push my family away. Ouch! What I hear from my son is that he has had to process a lot of anger. He had to process the junk that went on in the home. He said, "Mom, you are my mother, I will always come back." He took time outs as he had to deal with junk. I understand that. I remember processing anger from my childhood, my marriage. It takes time to put things in perspective and then let it go. I also remember as I entered counseling, I had to learn other words for "that made me mad." That was all I knew for most of my life. My counselor taught me that we can be sad, mad, and glad and I was amazed to know there were so many different things attached to emotions other than being mad. My son....has probably had to process all that as well.
So as my son re-enters my life...I am joyful. I am excited to be friends again. I love that child so much. I love my daughter, hopefully....one day..... In the meantime I learn to live in the moment and quit looking back. Looking back does not bring healing and keeps the wounds deep. So I move forward and pray.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.l
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
When I was a young mother I had a couple of friends who miscarried. My heart broke for them. I asked a Minister how to talk to these women and he said that I need to realize that that child is the one they wanted. Telling them that they can have more babies does not help, it actually hurts them even more.
As I have stated from the time I was in elementary school I wanted to be a mother. It was very important to me. God blessed me and I had two children, a girl and a boy. I loved them with all the love I was able to give. In the craziness of my first marriage, my children became my life line. I lived because I didn't want them to grow up without a mother or father. I did have a moment where I stood at a knife drawer and stared at it for a long time. I wanted to do something that scares me even now when I think on it. Because my children were that important to me, I shut the drawer and walked away.
When I divorced both of my children were in their early 20's. Through the years, I've learned that no matter what age parent's divorce, there is a lot of emotion and anger not only with the parents, but also with the children. Each person in that family must come to terms with many things. It is a process at times a very long process.
I have been praying and waiting for the storm of emotions to pass. It has been 14 years and to be honest, there are still the storms. For me I find myself moving forward and then....something out the past comes roaring back. I need to process yet again and it is hard on me, my husband who has heard this over and over and over again as I process yet again.
I know the children have had a need to make sense of many things. I understand and I miss them terribly. Several people in my life are able to shut doors and move on. I always wonder why I can't. I miss my children a whole lot. One child has reached out to me only to process more junk and get angry again. The other child has allowed the door to shut and hasn't opened it at all. I grieve for them and I grieve for me. I wish I could go back and make things right. I can't so I love them from a distance more often than not.
This is where my faith journey sustains me. God holds me, comforts me and even pushes me out the door when I'd rather sit on the couch and wrap a blanket around me. Since I can't always hug them, I pray for them. That comforts me too. I give God my children. I can't put them in better hands.
I have come to realize that my feelings are like those women who miscarried. These are my children, the ones I wanted. I asked J, she has miscarried twice and she has told me that is exactly the feelings she has had. She understood how I love the daylights out of her, but my children....are the ones I wanted. I won't ever walk away from her. She is now the one I want at this time, my children I gave birth to are also the ones I want. I can't ever thank God enough for J. She says I think we need to go shopping when I call up and she hears my sadness. It is precious, I know that she is loving me in her J way.
As my son re-enters my life...I am overjoyed. I had a person tell me recently that I push my family away. Ouch! What I hear from my son is that he has had to process a lot of anger. He had to process the junk that went on in the home. He said, "Mom, you are my mother, I will always come back." He took time outs as he had to deal with junk. I understand that. I remember processing anger from my childhood, my marriage. It takes time to put things in perspective and then let it go. I also remember as I entered counseling, I had to learn other words for "that made me mad." That was all I knew for most of my life. My counselor taught me that we can be sad, mad, and glad and I was amazed to know there were so many different things attached to emotions other than being mad. My son....has probably had to process all that as well.
So as my son re-enters my life...I am joyful. I am excited to be friends again. I love that child so much. I love my daughter, hopefully....one day..... In the meantime I learn to live in the moment and quit looking back. Looking back does not bring healing and keeps the wounds deep. So I move forward and pray.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.l
Love
Janet
Friday, May 13, 2011
May 14, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
On FB today I saw a discussion on worshiping God. My heart has a struggle on what worship is, why we need to do it. In my book On the Way to Wholness I question this step. It is Accolades and we need to tell God how wonderful He is. I ask, "Doesn't God know He is the most wonderful, awesome....etc." I want to but I don't always understand.
As I go along in years, I am starting to "get it." God does know that He is perfect. He knows He is great. We need to put God in the right spot in our heart. By telling God He is perfect really helps us put Him right where He needs to be....at the center of our heart.
I liken it to my letter writing to Junior. I write to him what I admire in him. I knew what losing respect looked like and I didn't want to do that again. I tell Junior all the things I admire in him. I do it more for me, that said he loves it. When I focus on the good....I don't have a tendecy to see his awful traits. They are there but I am learning that telling him his good traits really builds him up, I see the real good guy he is and my respect grows by leaps and bounds. Men....want respect....it is what is dearest to their heart. When they are respected.....they feel worthwhile, valuable and it is "love" to them.
I often ask God to open my heart to Junior's. When I let God show me the real neat guy Junior is...I fall in love over and over. So it is with God. When I begin to see what God has done, the love He has for me and so much more...I learn to put God at the center of my heart. I have a deep love for Junior and I want no other man in the man/ wife kind of way. I don't want to stray because I love him to much to do so. It is the same way with God.
Part of my prayers is to be thankful. When I am thankful, I see all that God has given me. Yes, God makes sure I have physcial things and yes I am grateful, but He has held me tenderly when I hurt real bad. He has given me strength when I had none. He has shown me how to handle real rough situations and sooooo much more. I find myself ever so grateful for those moments when God has helped me to say/do the right thing.
Sometimes I don't pray the prayer format ACTSS. I sometimes hurt and I go directly to God and pray "Lord I'm hurting real bad." God hears my cry. I often get tenderness when I need it most. God loves me and people have made a point of telling me what a loser I am and....I have hurt beyond words. God though, He tells me that I am not a mistake, I am not a dumb blonde even though I make fun....sometimes I feel that dumb blonde.
I have been hurting to the point of being raw in my heart lately. God has directed my steps and shown me why I shouldn't go, do whatever. I have saved myself even more grief by listening to God and not going.
God has even brought a special person back into my life. I wanted to give up, call it quits and at the lowest I've been in a while, someone walked back into my life. Pretty amazing. God's timing is always right on time.
When God walks beside me like that I find it hard not to say thank you over and over and over again. I find myself real grateful, beyond words and telling God about it brings joy and peace and again I learn giving God the glory is really for my good.
If I am right when I am this thankful....I am worshiping God. When I tell God, thank you for the help, the provisions and so many more things...that is an act of worship. That has been a struggle for me to learn. I've learned through the years that music is an act of worship....I didn't get how to worship God in other things....so acknowlding God seems to be an act of worship as well.
The neat thing about God is He realizes we don't get everything the day we say the "sinner's prayer." We need to grow and as we grow our worship changes. In my heart....God is looking to change me from where I was to where I am going. I can only change when I give God my heart. He changes me and I am not the woman I once was and I am not the woman I am now in the future because God is still working with me/changing me. It is pretty exciting.
As I end this.....my question is have you thought to thank God lately.....have you looked at what you have and realized God's provision...maybe it is time to say "Thank you Lord."
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
On FB today I saw a discussion on worshiping God. My heart has a struggle on what worship is, why we need to do it. In my book On the Way to Wholness I question this step. It is Accolades and we need to tell God how wonderful He is. I ask, "Doesn't God know He is the most wonderful, awesome....etc." I want to but I don't always understand.
As I go along in years, I am starting to "get it." God does know that He is perfect. He knows He is great. We need to put God in the right spot in our heart. By telling God He is perfect really helps us put Him right where He needs to be....at the center of our heart.
I liken it to my letter writing to Junior. I write to him what I admire in him. I knew what losing respect looked like and I didn't want to do that again. I tell Junior all the things I admire in him. I do it more for me, that said he loves it. When I focus on the good....I don't have a tendecy to see his awful traits. They are there but I am learning that telling him his good traits really builds him up, I see the real good guy he is and my respect grows by leaps and bounds. Men....want respect....it is what is dearest to their heart. When they are respected.....they feel worthwhile, valuable and it is "love" to them.
I often ask God to open my heart to Junior's. When I let God show me the real neat guy Junior is...I fall in love over and over. So it is with God. When I begin to see what God has done, the love He has for me and so much more...I learn to put God at the center of my heart. I have a deep love for Junior and I want no other man in the man/ wife kind of way. I don't want to stray because I love him to much to do so. It is the same way with God.
Part of my prayers is to be thankful. When I am thankful, I see all that God has given me. Yes, God makes sure I have physcial things and yes I am grateful, but He has held me tenderly when I hurt real bad. He has given me strength when I had none. He has shown me how to handle real rough situations and sooooo much more. I find myself ever so grateful for those moments when God has helped me to say/do the right thing.
Sometimes I don't pray the prayer format ACTSS. I sometimes hurt and I go directly to God and pray "Lord I'm hurting real bad." God hears my cry. I often get tenderness when I need it most. God loves me and people have made a point of telling me what a loser I am and....I have hurt beyond words. God though, He tells me that I am not a mistake, I am not a dumb blonde even though I make fun....sometimes I feel that dumb blonde.
I have been hurting to the point of being raw in my heart lately. God has directed my steps and shown me why I shouldn't go, do whatever. I have saved myself even more grief by listening to God and not going.
God has even brought a special person back into my life. I wanted to give up, call it quits and at the lowest I've been in a while, someone walked back into my life. Pretty amazing. God's timing is always right on time.
When God walks beside me like that I find it hard not to say thank you over and over and over again. I find myself real grateful, beyond words and telling God about it brings joy and peace and again I learn giving God the glory is really for my good.
If I am right when I am this thankful....I am worshiping God. When I tell God, thank you for the help, the provisions and so many more things...that is an act of worship. That has been a struggle for me to learn. I've learned through the years that music is an act of worship....I didn't get how to worship God in other things....so acknowlding God seems to be an act of worship as well.
The neat thing about God is He realizes we don't get everything the day we say the "sinner's prayer." We need to grow and as we grow our worship changes. In my heart....God is looking to change me from where I was to where I am going. I can only change when I give God my heart. He changes me and I am not the woman I once was and I am not the woman I am now in the future because God is still working with me/changing me. It is pretty exciting.
As I end this.....my question is have you thought to thank God lately.....have you looked at what you have and realized God's provision...maybe it is time to say "Thank you Lord."
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, May 6, 2011
May 7, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Mother's Day is tomorrow. To be honest the week leading to Mother's Day is hard. I find myself in a funk. Through the years, I have been able to let go and move on. Mother's Day though.....I tend to struggle for a bit anyway.
My children grew up with a lot of fighting in the home. Many nights my ex and I were fighting in the middle of the night. We weren't quiet about our fights either so sometimes the children woke up to hear their parents fighting. Not pleasant for sure.
For me....I realized I had some problems and entered into counseling. As I went through counseling, I began to learn ways to walk away from the fights. Many times I would walk out the front door and go for a walk, go for a drive etc. That did not always help, sometimes my ex would follow me. I tried to lock myself in the bathroom till I cooled down only to have the door broke down. Of course I found myself getting mad after trying to walk away and I'd come out fighting, knowing I was going to lose but didn't care. As I went through counseling I often heard that I was selfish, self centered and a whole host of other things.
I guess my child has a reason to be mad at me. I'm not sure why this child is mad but it has been 12 years and still no communication. I hurt for her as much as for myself. I wish I knew my offense, I really do. If I did know then maybe I could apologize. That's the wierd thing about anger at other people. You know you are right, justified etc, but the other person generally is clueless.
As I went through counseling I learned that the person you are mad at generally does not know it. As I have gone on in my faith journey I have felt God point me to people I need to forgive. In the Lord's prayer there is the line that says, "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." There is also the versus that says if at the alter you find you have a person you are angry with that you need to leave the alter, go make amends and then come back. That is very paraphrased, but I believe the idea is that God wants us to be right with people first.
I also heard a sermon one time where the Minister's parents were alcoholics and he and his siblings were neglected and abused. He taught that we still had to honor our parents. There are times we need to walk away but always honor our parents. Honor is one of those things men want and to be honest I'm clueless as to what it looks like. Respect is the other piece to what men want and again I think I'm respecting and find that my man doesn't see it as respect. These are hard for me to grasp for sure. Still I try.
For me, I tend to ask God a whole lot to show me what it looks like for Junior. On my own, I can't. I also go to prayer a whole lot over most things in my life now. I am amazed when God opens doors for me. The doors aren't always a new something but sometimes it is an understanding, a love and a whole host of other things.
I've been praying for my child for years now. I know in my heart God is hearing my request and in time, I pray we may forgive each other for the hurt we've caused the other one. I may never reconcile, I pray for it though. In God's time, not mine.
In the meantime, I move on. I try to anyway. God has through the years brought me young women to love. I don't go long periods without a young woman to mother. It is a need deep in me and He provides. I am grateful for these women. Right now J next door is filling the mother need in me. We check on my books, we shop, we hang out and fix on my house from time to time. She feels real good.
My funk around Mother's Day....it comes. I've remembered my mother-in-law at times like this. She had 8 children...one died as a baby. Anyway, two of her sons walked out of her life for a few years. She was so broken up about their absence. I remember telling her, "Mom you have 5 other children who love you and come around." As the years have gone on, I understand. Those two were her children and she wanted them. She loved all of them.
Anyway, Monday will come. I will do housework, grocery shop, love the dogs, cats in my life. In general I move on. It is that or curl up in bed and never walk out the front door. I don't think God wants me to quit life because life hurts, so I move on. My son may call, a card may come in the mail. The same with my niece, Junior's daughter, the woman next door. In that, I find such comfort.
Daughter....I will always love you.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Mother's Day is tomorrow. To be honest the week leading to Mother's Day is hard. I find myself in a funk. Through the years, I have been able to let go and move on. Mother's Day though.....I tend to struggle for a bit anyway.
My children grew up with a lot of fighting in the home. Many nights my ex and I were fighting in the middle of the night. We weren't quiet about our fights either so sometimes the children woke up to hear their parents fighting. Not pleasant for sure.
For me....I realized I had some problems and entered into counseling. As I went through counseling, I began to learn ways to walk away from the fights. Many times I would walk out the front door and go for a walk, go for a drive etc. That did not always help, sometimes my ex would follow me. I tried to lock myself in the bathroom till I cooled down only to have the door broke down. Of course I found myself getting mad after trying to walk away and I'd come out fighting, knowing I was going to lose but didn't care. As I went through counseling I often heard that I was selfish, self centered and a whole host of other things.
I guess my child has a reason to be mad at me. I'm not sure why this child is mad but it has been 12 years and still no communication. I hurt for her as much as for myself. I wish I knew my offense, I really do. If I did know then maybe I could apologize. That's the wierd thing about anger at other people. You know you are right, justified etc, but the other person generally is clueless.
As I went through counseling I learned that the person you are mad at generally does not know it. As I have gone on in my faith journey I have felt God point me to people I need to forgive. In the Lord's prayer there is the line that says, "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." There is also the versus that says if at the alter you find you have a person you are angry with that you need to leave the alter, go make amends and then come back. That is very paraphrased, but I believe the idea is that God wants us to be right with people first.
I also heard a sermon one time where the Minister's parents were alcoholics and he and his siblings were neglected and abused. He taught that we still had to honor our parents. There are times we need to walk away but always honor our parents. Honor is one of those things men want and to be honest I'm clueless as to what it looks like. Respect is the other piece to what men want and again I think I'm respecting and find that my man doesn't see it as respect. These are hard for me to grasp for sure. Still I try.
For me, I tend to ask God a whole lot to show me what it looks like for Junior. On my own, I can't. I also go to prayer a whole lot over most things in my life now. I am amazed when God opens doors for me. The doors aren't always a new something but sometimes it is an understanding, a love and a whole host of other things.
I've been praying for my child for years now. I know in my heart God is hearing my request and in time, I pray we may forgive each other for the hurt we've caused the other one. I may never reconcile, I pray for it though. In God's time, not mine.
In the meantime, I move on. I try to anyway. God has through the years brought me young women to love. I don't go long periods without a young woman to mother. It is a need deep in me and He provides. I am grateful for these women. Right now J next door is filling the mother need in me. We check on my books, we shop, we hang out and fix on my house from time to time. She feels real good.
My funk around Mother's Day....it comes. I've remembered my mother-in-law at times like this. She had 8 children...one died as a baby. Anyway, two of her sons walked out of her life for a few years. She was so broken up about their absence. I remember telling her, "Mom you have 5 other children who love you and come around." As the years have gone on, I understand. Those two were her children and she wanted them. She loved all of them.
Anyway, Monday will come. I will do housework, grocery shop, love the dogs, cats in my life. In general I move on. It is that or curl up in bed and never walk out the front door. I don't think God wants me to quit life because life hurts, so I move on. My son may call, a card may come in the mail. The same with my niece, Junior's daughter, the woman next door. In that, I find such comfort.
Daughter....I will always love you.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
April 30, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
I remember as I went back to work I would read all kinds of things about making it in the work place. One of the things I read was that it is important to align yourself with the right people at work. The right people will help you move up the ladder whereas the wrong people will keep you stuck in the same position and no forward movement.
I also remember in high school that I wanted to be in the “in” crowd. I was not but I wanted to be. I wanted to be a cheerleader, didn’t have enough confidence in myself to ever try out. In health class I learned the importance of bathing daily, washing your hair and brushing your teeth. These lessons were not taught to me at home.
When I learned good hygiene habits, I began implementing them in my life. I also felt that this would help me make and keep friends. In school, I found a crowd to hang out with. I was terrified of going to the bathroom. The kids that smoked and did drugs hung out in there and I didn’t want to get in trouble. The kids that liked me really liked me and I moved through school with a comfort level.
Frats, greasers and later the freaks (hippies) were the ones you tended to align yourself with. For me, I would not pick one. I liked to flow in and out of different groups. I went to church and enjoyed my friends from there as well. I was in band. I feel like I was well rounded with many different types of friends. I’m still like that. I don’t really feel pigeon holed into a style of people. Many middle class people tend to like me people who are educated and uneducated like me and I them.
Recently I have had a person remind me a few times that they are cool and I’m not. My first reaction was, “really, I thought that type of game playing was behind me.” As Junior and I have been retired we notice that retired people for the most part aren’t interested in what you once were. We come together now as retired, living on a more fixed income and our life work is behind us and our life work now tends to be about how to help others. To be honest, I don’t care anymore if I’m cool. I’ve had enough people in recent years reject me so I’ve come to the place that the only “group” I want to be in is God’s group.
God has held me so tenderly. God has said “Janet, I trust you and I want to you to go and do.” Learning this lesson has been precious. For the first time in my life, I feel like I truly belong and I am wanted. So being cool for the sake of being cool is not important anymore.
My joy comes when I am serving, loving, giving. In that I find a true peace and contentment. I love being Junior’s wife. Oh the joy of cooking for him, cleaning our home so he has a comfortable place to be when life can be crazy. I love when he comes to me and holds me tightly after he faces a struggle. I love when he laughs with me at my antics. It is a joy down deep in my being. I love having our pets, they love me, let me love on them and they have no complaints. I love helping J and B by giving rides, talking on the phone, e-mailing several friends. I am looking for the day to start working in some capacity with my church family.
I love Facebook. I love putting out there on a daily basis the things I’m into. I also love the opportunity to pray when someone is struggling. I begin to pray for them and each time I see their comment, I remember to pray. I am once again starting to make dishcloths. It is the only thing I’ve learned to crochet, but I make them and then give them away. Writing my blog has been a joy as well. As I write these things I realize that it is not in being connected to the right people that I find joy. It is in reaching out to those I am around and those I meet that I find contentment and I again think, being the “cool” one is so not important anymore.
I love my quiet time with God. I try to read through the Bible in a year. I also try to do a Bible study and I do my weekly lesson from Sunday school. It is in reading my Bible, prayer and an earnest effort to live my life for Jesus that again I feel loved and wanted. The cool thing is so not important.
Junior often tells me, “That would not make God happy.” I find a joy in his comment. He is trying to be the husband I need. He is not taking from me and trying to suck me dry. He is also trying to seek my highest good. I appreciate that. We both tend to ask God often to teach us to be the spouse our spouse needs. Again, I am grateful because we are seeking each other’s highest good which means we are not all about our individual wants.
The question I have is who do you serve? Man or God?
May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I remember as I went back to work I would read all kinds of things about making it in the work place. One of the things I read was that it is important to align yourself with the right people at work. The right people will help you move up the ladder whereas the wrong people will keep you stuck in the same position and no forward movement.
I also remember in high school that I wanted to be in the “in” crowd. I was not but I wanted to be. I wanted to be a cheerleader, didn’t have enough confidence in myself to ever try out. In health class I learned the importance of bathing daily, washing your hair and brushing your teeth. These lessons were not taught to me at home.
When I learned good hygiene habits, I began implementing them in my life. I also felt that this would help me make and keep friends. In school, I found a crowd to hang out with. I was terrified of going to the bathroom. The kids that smoked and did drugs hung out in there and I didn’t want to get in trouble. The kids that liked me really liked me and I moved through school with a comfort level.
Frats, greasers and later the freaks (hippies) were the ones you tended to align yourself with. For me, I would not pick one. I liked to flow in and out of different groups. I went to church and enjoyed my friends from there as well. I was in band. I feel like I was well rounded with many different types of friends. I’m still like that. I don’t really feel pigeon holed into a style of people. Many middle class people tend to like me people who are educated and uneducated like me and I them.
Recently I have had a person remind me a few times that they are cool and I’m not. My first reaction was, “really, I thought that type of game playing was behind me.” As Junior and I have been retired we notice that retired people for the most part aren’t interested in what you once were. We come together now as retired, living on a more fixed income and our life work is behind us and our life work now tends to be about how to help others. To be honest, I don’t care anymore if I’m cool. I’ve had enough people in recent years reject me so I’ve come to the place that the only “group” I want to be in is God’s group.
God has held me so tenderly. God has said “Janet, I trust you and I want to you to go and do.” Learning this lesson has been precious. For the first time in my life, I feel like I truly belong and I am wanted. So being cool for the sake of being cool is not important anymore.
My joy comes when I am serving, loving, giving. In that I find a true peace and contentment. I love being Junior’s wife. Oh the joy of cooking for him, cleaning our home so he has a comfortable place to be when life can be crazy. I love when he comes to me and holds me tightly after he faces a struggle. I love when he laughs with me at my antics. It is a joy down deep in my being. I love having our pets, they love me, let me love on them and they have no complaints. I love helping J and B by giving rides, talking on the phone, e-mailing several friends. I am looking for the day to start working in some capacity with my church family.
I love Facebook. I love putting out there on a daily basis the things I’m into. I also love the opportunity to pray when someone is struggling. I begin to pray for them and each time I see their comment, I remember to pray. I am once again starting to make dishcloths. It is the only thing I’ve learned to crochet, but I make them and then give them away. Writing my blog has been a joy as well. As I write these things I realize that it is not in being connected to the right people that I find joy. It is in reaching out to those I am around and those I meet that I find contentment and I again think, being the “cool” one is so not important anymore.
I love my quiet time with God. I try to read through the Bible in a year. I also try to do a Bible study and I do my weekly lesson from Sunday school. It is in reading my Bible, prayer and an earnest effort to live my life for Jesus that again I feel loved and wanted. The cool thing is so not important.
Junior often tells me, “That would not make God happy.” I find a joy in his comment. He is trying to be the husband I need. He is not taking from me and trying to suck me dry. He is also trying to seek my highest good. I appreciate that. We both tend to ask God often to teach us to be the spouse our spouse needs. Again, I am grateful because we are seeking each other’s highest good which means we are not all about our individual wants.
The question I have is who do you serve? Man or God?
May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, April 22, 2011
April 23, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Tomorrow is Easter. This is the day we celebrate Christ’s resurrection. Jesus walked among us after He had died as well. He was three days in the grave and on the third day He rose again. Then Jesus walked among us for 40 more days. This is one of those Wow moments for me. As I pray I find myself in many states of awe moments. To think that God would send His only Son to live in our world filled with filth, violence and a whole host of other not pretty things is a marvel to me. About now I think of the verse “For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” I feel a deep love from God and to God.
I have always believed there was a God. I even believed that Jesus lived but I never knew how to enter into a relationship with Him. For most of my life, Christmas and Easter was about family. It was a time to gather and celebrate the family structure, the generations etc. Very little thought went into Jesus, His birth, His death, the reason He left God’s side to live among us.
Since I have been married to Junior, we have spent many holidays away from family, for a variety of reasons. Let me side track a moment. Divorce is so hard on families. My son comes to mind. His parents are divorced. His wife’s parents are divorced. Holidays are especially difficult for them. There are four parents to visit plus a set of grandparents at one point. The grandparents have now passed on. There are only so many hours in a holiday and, there is the family they now have and……
I must admit at first the holidays alone were difficult. As the years have gone on my mindset has changed. The holiday is really about Jesus and God’s provision to redeem us through His Son. Junior and I will go to church and more often than not at church during the service I find myself being ever grateful for the gift of new life I’ve been given. My new life is of course Jesus, God’s love and the transforming of who I was to who I am in Jesus. By the time I walk out of the service I find myself truly happy and content.
If the holiday is a holiday on our own, I find myself content now. Many times I make us a nice meal and we enjoy it. Sometimes we watch holiday appropriate videos and enjoy them to no end. Throughout the day I find myself reflecting on the gift we’ve been given and find myself happy and content.
“Into each life some rain must fall.” I reflect on this statement from time to time. No one gets through life without some sort of heart ache. For me many times the heart ache builds character and perseverance. I am often amazed when I get to the other side of a struggle. I read in Romans 3-4 about this. It says, “More than that. We rejoice, in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces charter, and charter produces hope.”
This verse is one I often reflect on when I am in a struggle. It helps me to see that the struggle will come to an end. It helps me to see that at the end of the struggle I will be stronger and more resilient. I hate hurting. I try to avoid pain whenever I can. I run from it but all of a sudden I find that until I face the struggle and deal with it, I’ll never be able to move forward.
One of the first struggles I remember as a young adult is my husband lost his job. Because of my background of lack of money due to Dad’s polio, I was panicked. I remember fretting and worrying and a whole host of other paranoid feelings. My husband found a job. We never wound up living on the street. It took me years to realize that we weren’t going to end up living on the streets. If we were late on a payment, I panicked. I felt one step away from living on the street for most of my adult life and to be honest, I’ve never even come close. It took me 10 years to realize Junior was not going to get us in debt and we’d be living on the street.
I believe my years of celebrating holidays on our own has been good for me. I’ve learned to celebrate the gift Jesus is, to accept God’s love. I’ve learned to place the true gift within my heart. Now when I am with family, I appreciate it even more. God allowed me the struggle to help to build within me a true sense of what I’ve been given. I also find moments where I try to bring God into the celebration. At Thanksgiving one year I asked everyone, “What are you grateful for.” We went around the table and gave some thought to the question. For Christmas, I often read out of the Children’s Bible the birth of Jesus. Then we have a cake with candles and sing happy birthday to Jesus. I don’t think I’ve done Easter dinner with the family. I have not come up with a way to introduce my faith at that point.
I believe God allowed the pain of not celebrating holidays with family to help build a true sense of who He is. In my thinking, it has been worth the painful moments. I now celebrate Jesus, God’s love and even am able to hear the Holy Spirit’s prompting more often. I also appreciate those moments when I am with family even more now.
As I end this I’d like to ask, what are you celebrating? What is really on your heart this Easter? Have you taken time to look at the cross, the gift of Jesus and God’s love?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Tomorrow is Easter. This is the day we celebrate Christ’s resurrection. Jesus walked among us after He had died as well. He was three days in the grave and on the third day He rose again. Then Jesus walked among us for 40 more days. This is one of those Wow moments for me. As I pray I find myself in many states of awe moments. To think that God would send His only Son to live in our world filled with filth, violence and a whole host of other not pretty things is a marvel to me. About now I think of the verse “For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” I feel a deep love from God and to God.
I have always believed there was a God. I even believed that Jesus lived but I never knew how to enter into a relationship with Him. For most of my life, Christmas and Easter was about family. It was a time to gather and celebrate the family structure, the generations etc. Very little thought went into Jesus, His birth, His death, the reason He left God’s side to live among us.
Since I have been married to Junior, we have spent many holidays away from family, for a variety of reasons. Let me side track a moment. Divorce is so hard on families. My son comes to mind. His parents are divorced. His wife’s parents are divorced. Holidays are especially difficult for them. There are four parents to visit plus a set of grandparents at one point. The grandparents have now passed on. There are only so many hours in a holiday and, there is the family they now have and……
I must admit at first the holidays alone were difficult. As the years have gone on my mindset has changed. The holiday is really about Jesus and God’s provision to redeem us through His Son. Junior and I will go to church and more often than not at church during the service I find myself being ever grateful for the gift of new life I’ve been given. My new life is of course Jesus, God’s love and the transforming of who I was to who I am in Jesus. By the time I walk out of the service I find myself truly happy and content.
If the holiday is a holiday on our own, I find myself content now. Many times I make us a nice meal and we enjoy it. Sometimes we watch holiday appropriate videos and enjoy them to no end. Throughout the day I find myself reflecting on the gift we’ve been given and find myself happy and content.
“Into each life some rain must fall.” I reflect on this statement from time to time. No one gets through life without some sort of heart ache. For me many times the heart ache builds character and perseverance. I am often amazed when I get to the other side of a struggle. I read in Romans 3-4 about this. It says, “More than that. We rejoice, in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces charter, and charter produces hope.”
This verse is one I often reflect on when I am in a struggle. It helps me to see that the struggle will come to an end. It helps me to see that at the end of the struggle I will be stronger and more resilient. I hate hurting. I try to avoid pain whenever I can. I run from it but all of a sudden I find that until I face the struggle and deal with it, I’ll never be able to move forward.
One of the first struggles I remember as a young adult is my husband lost his job. Because of my background of lack of money due to Dad’s polio, I was panicked. I remember fretting and worrying and a whole host of other paranoid feelings. My husband found a job. We never wound up living on the street. It took me years to realize that we weren’t going to end up living on the streets. If we were late on a payment, I panicked. I felt one step away from living on the street for most of my adult life and to be honest, I’ve never even come close. It took me 10 years to realize Junior was not going to get us in debt and we’d be living on the street.
I believe my years of celebrating holidays on our own has been good for me. I’ve learned to celebrate the gift Jesus is, to accept God’s love. I’ve learned to place the true gift within my heart. Now when I am with family, I appreciate it even more. God allowed me the struggle to help to build within me a true sense of what I’ve been given. I also find moments where I try to bring God into the celebration. At Thanksgiving one year I asked everyone, “What are you grateful for.” We went around the table and gave some thought to the question. For Christmas, I often read out of the Children’s Bible the birth of Jesus. Then we have a cake with candles and sing happy birthday to Jesus. I don’t think I’ve done Easter dinner with the family. I have not come up with a way to introduce my faith at that point.
I believe God allowed the pain of not celebrating holidays with family to help build a true sense of who He is. In my thinking, it has been worth the painful moments. I now celebrate Jesus, God’s love and even am able to hear the Holy Spirit’s prompting more often. I also appreciate those moments when I am with family even more now.
As I end this I’d like to ask, what are you celebrating? What is really on your heart this Easter? Have you taken time to look at the cross, the gift of Jesus and God’s love?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, April 15, 2011
April 16, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I’m having a rotten few days. Right now life sucks big time. I want to love God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength. I’m praying a whole lot trying to hear God’s direction and frankly that is hard right now.
If there is a problem then go to the person directly. If that doesn’t work go with a witness and then if that don’t work, let them go – I think. This is something I have read throughout the Bible. It makes a whole lot of sense to me too. Now I’m in a situation where I want to say “stop it, I’ve had enough and that doesn’t feel good.” I feel backed into a corner and when I get backed into a corner the fighter in me comes out.
I don’t feel heard. I don’t understand the other person’s perspective either. As hard as I try, I’m not getting it. I am totally missing the point. I’m spending lots and lots of times in prayer saying Lord help me and I am not hearing His voice.
Two or three friends tell me not to send a note I have written. I don’t. They say if this situation is eating at you this much why don’t you just take them off the friend list on Facebook. More than one tells me that and I think this is a sign, maybe it is time to walk away so I take that person off of Facebook. My desire was, take them off, several other people so this person won’t see my stuff all over the other peoples stuff. The person sees I’m not out there and figures out that they’ve been deleted and asks about it. I tell them, that I’m trying to not be such a bother and a whole blow up ensues.
In my mind I feel like I’ve gone person to person with how this is affecting me. I do hear that I am rough. I’m not trying to be. Still that backed in a corner feeling is front and center in the emotion department. I try to tell them and they don’t hear, I can’t seem to hear either. I know that the emotions on both our parts are real raw.
More praying, lots of praying and still I am not getting the idea of how to deal with this hurt. How do you tell people to stop? How do you tell them and be nice? How do you tell and hear? The questions continue to bombard me. The pain is about as raw as it gets. I want to love but I also don’t want to continue on the way things have been.
I eat some chips and dip, comfort food for me. I take myself for a long drive. I feel a little more settled but I don’t find an answer. I finally come up with a “nice” note in my opinion. I send it off, a rebuttal comes back. Ok, now I answer every line in the note and it is not pretty. Finally, I start a new note and it is kinder. Nope I’m still not heard, still told I’m too dramatic and the reason I’m not wanted in the family is because I shut them out. Ok, now what to do. Time to shut the door, the pain is now unbearable.
In the recent past, I have found that I needed to be direct. I felt the air clear some and felt the direct approach worked. No it did not really, at the time though I thought it worked. I felt peace afterward. The problem was not really resolved and the festering boil of emotions continued to grow. The boil of emotions finally opened up into oozing pain. So now what?
The girl friends have been helpful. They have let me say “ouch.” They have told me to write it out, I’ve been doing that. I still have no peace. I know the person has had a lot of struggles. I know they are not touchy feely and my touchy feely ways are totally uncomfortable and they want to shut the door, move on and say it is what it is. I find no solution in this approach.
I can’t sleep. I’m up half the night, up fairly early the next day and no solution as to how to pop this festering boil from my system. In my mind it is time to walk away. Enough is enough. They see me as overly dramatic, all about me and have no clue as to what I’m trying to say.
My friends love on me. They let me talk, try to find a solution. We are not gossiping although I’m sure people think that is gossip. The goal is to find that middle ground and I can’t find it in my thought life. Out loud works for me and so I try to stay focused on the struggle and how to relieve the boil within my heart.
As I was driving I thought, oh I need to ask for prayer on this whole situation. I need to ask if someone would go to prayer with me beside them and help me find God’s voice. That begins to settle in me. So I will find the friend who will pray for me and with me.
I want to love this person. I also want them to stop a few things, I can’t take it anymore. I understand that life is tough for them. I understand that being a prickly pear is how they cope. I understand a whole lot of things but right now……I need some relief.
So, I will continue to pray until I hear what I’m to hear. God will quiet my heart, my thoughts eventually. I’m guessing as I quiet down, I’ll start to hear and know how to respond with love, right now though……I will pester God until I can feel me settling down. He will settle me, open my eyes, my heart and I’ll be able to put this in the right perspective.
The biggest lesson for me is not to wait till the situation is out of control. I may need to ask God to help me sooner the next time.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I’m having a rotten few days. Right now life sucks big time. I want to love God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength. I’m praying a whole lot trying to hear God’s direction and frankly that is hard right now.
If there is a problem then go to the person directly. If that doesn’t work go with a witness and then if that don’t work, let them go – I think. This is something I have read throughout the Bible. It makes a whole lot of sense to me too. Now I’m in a situation where I want to say “stop it, I’ve had enough and that doesn’t feel good.” I feel backed into a corner and when I get backed into a corner the fighter in me comes out.
I don’t feel heard. I don’t understand the other person’s perspective either. As hard as I try, I’m not getting it. I am totally missing the point. I’m spending lots and lots of times in prayer saying Lord help me and I am not hearing His voice.
Two or three friends tell me not to send a note I have written. I don’t. They say if this situation is eating at you this much why don’t you just take them off the friend list on Facebook. More than one tells me that and I think this is a sign, maybe it is time to walk away so I take that person off of Facebook. My desire was, take them off, several other people so this person won’t see my stuff all over the other peoples stuff. The person sees I’m not out there and figures out that they’ve been deleted and asks about it. I tell them, that I’m trying to not be such a bother and a whole blow up ensues.
In my mind I feel like I’ve gone person to person with how this is affecting me. I do hear that I am rough. I’m not trying to be. Still that backed in a corner feeling is front and center in the emotion department. I try to tell them and they don’t hear, I can’t seem to hear either. I know that the emotions on both our parts are real raw.
More praying, lots of praying and still I am not getting the idea of how to deal with this hurt. How do you tell people to stop? How do you tell them and be nice? How do you tell and hear? The questions continue to bombard me. The pain is about as raw as it gets. I want to love but I also don’t want to continue on the way things have been.
I eat some chips and dip, comfort food for me. I take myself for a long drive. I feel a little more settled but I don’t find an answer. I finally come up with a “nice” note in my opinion. I send it off, a rebuttal comes back. Ok, now I answer every line in the note and it is not pretty. Finally, I start a new note and it is kinder. Nope I’m still not heard, still told I’m too dramatic and the reason I’m not wanted in the family is because I shut them out. Ok, now what to do. Time to shut the door, the pain is now unbearable.
In the recent past, I have found that I needed to be direct. I felt the air clear some and felt the direct approach worked. No it did not really, at the time though I thought it worked. I felt peace afterward. The problem was not really resolved and the festering boil of emotions continued to grow. The boil of emotions finally opened up into oozing pain. So now what?
The girl friends have been helpful. They have let me say “ouch.” They have told me to write it out, I’ve been doing that. I still have no peace. I know the person has had a lot of struggles. I know they are not touchy feely and my touchy feely ways are totally uncomfortable and they want to shut the door, move on and say it is what it is. I find no solution in this approach.
I can’t sleep. I’m up half the night, up fairly early the next day and no solution as to how to pop this festering boil from my system. In my mind it is time to walk away. Enough is enough. They see me as overly dramatic, all about me and have no clue as to what I’m trying to say.
My friends love on me. They let me talk, try to find a solution. We are not gossiping although I’m sure people think that is gossip. The goal is to find that middle ground and I can’t find it in my thought life. Out loud works for me and so I try to stay focused on the struggle and how to relieve the boil within my heart.
As I was driving I thought, oh I need to ask for prayer on this whole situation. I need to ask if someone would go to prayer with me beside them and help me find God’s voice. That begins to settle in me. So I will find the friend who will pray for me and with me.
I want to love this person. I also want them to stop a few things, I can’t take it anymore. I understand that life is tough for them. I understand that being a prickly pear is how they cope. I understand a whole lot of things but right now……I need some relief.
So, I will continue to pray until I hear what I’m to hear. God will quiet my heart, my thoughts eventually. I’m guessing as I quiet down, I’ll start to hear and know how to respond with love, right now though……I will pester God until I can feel me settling down. He will settle me, open my eyes, my heart and I’ll be able to put this in the right perspective.
The biggest lesson for me is not to wait till the situation is out of control. I may need to ask God to help me sooner the next time.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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