February 26, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
As I write, I am going through a grieving process. My brother has just passed and of course with that memories seem to flood my mind. As I was talking with someone on the phone, she mentioned that she sees that I am deeply hurt. She sees a need to please at any cost. She reads my blog frequently and commented that I talk about Agape love quite a bit. She felt that I needed to give myself Agape love as well. I felt myself bristling. I heard the comments roll through my brain again, “Janet, it’s not about you” type of comments.
Agape love is seeking another’s highest good. If I am seeking another’s highest good, then should I not seek my highest good? It’s not seeking my way at any cost. Over and over as I have gone through counseling I have learned that in order to help others first you must take care of yourself. That is part of my dysfunction. I want to give until I can’t give anymore and then attempt to give more.
The memory I have is one of when I was a young girl. Dad had gone down into the basement to do laundry. I went down there to hang out and talk to him. As he was loading laundry into the washing machine, he looked at me and said, “Janet, I give up on you.” I had done something wrong and he was put out with me. In my head at the time and for years afterward I remember thinking, “No don’t give up on me, I’m here Daddy, don’t give up on me. I won’t do it again.”
My brother and sister often called me “Goody two shoes.” I think I tried to be good, to figure out what “good” was so no one would give up on me ever again. I also remember trying to figure out the right formula for life. I thought I’d be able to figure that out and then life would be ok.
I felt if I loved enough, then I would be loved back, automatically. I began in earnest trying to let go of my temper. I tried to find the perfect way to blend in and not be harsh. I began a long journey of people pleasing ways. These people pleasing ways found me enmeshed in abuse. I tended to think I was worth nothing and making everyone happy was the only way to live. As the years went on, I hated loud words, heated arguments, somehow I was going to lose and I had lost who I was in all of that. I entered into counseling a very hurting woman. As I began to assert myself, I found some relief from the pain in my life. I’d go for a while, stop and then I was back in counseling.
Agape love comes back to me, so what does that look like? How do I give it to myself? The last thing I want to do is be harsh, mean or self centered etc. I want to love, I really do. So I am beginning a new journey to include self Agape love. I am in prayer a whole lot with this.
I start by looking at how God loves me. “For God sent His only Son, that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” God loves me. That is a marvel to me. I’ve had plenty of people tell me that I am annoying and irritating. God accepts me, and that seems strange. I don’t have to jump through hoops to be loved by God. I do need to listen though and it can be difficult at times. God doesn’t forgive us and we go on our merry way. We need to open our hearts to Him and allow Him to change us. These changes can be difficult, but worth the effort. In Jesus, I have found peace and as I have begun my journey to change, I find wholeness, a peace.
I think again, a faith journey is not a destination but a journey. That means some days I “get it” and some days I need to figure it out again. Sometimes I fall down. God isn’t giving up on me just because I fell down. He is holding me and I can start over again. Some people will never give their heart to God. As they go along in their addiction, or their dysfunction they will find their struggles overtaking them. If you won’t let God in, eventually He will harden your heart. So, I never ever want to go back to “those years.” I want God in my life and I never want to go back to what once was.
“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law.” Scripture teaches me how to be loved and how to love others. “For God first loved us.” These passages help me in my journey. Jesus also went to the Temple and threw out the money changers, people who were gouging the people. He told to Pharisees and Sadducees bluntly that they were not of God but were harming His people. I learn there is a balance and I learn how to balance my life.
As I soak up scripture, I pray and I am in a journey, I find I can love as I am loved by God. I am also not a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. Sometimes I do have to say “stop, don’t, I don’t want to.” If people have a problem with that, then it is not for me to own, but their problem.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
February 19, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
“Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” For some reason this quote keeps playing through my mind. I have a few things floating through my brain of late. Most of them deal with money.
When I was a little girl my Dad would often have me deal with bill collectors. He knew the time they generally called and if I was at home, he’d make me answer the phone. He told me that if I told them that he was there, he’d beat me. He sat there blowing smoke in my face and had a threatening look on his face. The bill collector seemed to know that Dad was near and started threatening me.
It was awful. This left a lasting impression on me and both husbands soon learned that I never wanted bill collectors calling me. I became anal about money, I wonder why? All these years later….I’m not even angry or hurt anymore. At this point in my life, I’m even grateful that Dad did that.
I’m grateful because, I started putting money aside out of my check. When I started at the bank, I started putting a little aside in a 401K account. The bank went through a merger early on in my career and at that point I decided that if something like that happened again, I’d like to not worry and retire.
When I married Junior we sought the advice of a financial advisor. We put the money he suggested into our 401k. The last few months I worked I upped my deductions. We were faithful in setting this money aside. Along with Junior’s pension and what we put away, we are doing well. We are not rich, we are good. This money needs to last us, the rest of our lives.
I have people in my life that seem to think I am rich. They seem to think that I need to give, loan whatever to them as they want. I am also learning that giving money does not always help people out. Some people are your friend as long as you give to them. If you don’t give to them all of a sudden, they step out of your life.
Again, I find that some people can’t seem to handle money, won’t save etc. They expect me to bail them out with each passing of the wind proposition that comes along. They are angry if I won’t loan them money.
To me a real emergency is like we had as kids, Dad had polio, Grandma and Grandpa walked out on us – that is a real emergency. To buy a car, fix on your house, and take a vacation or such is not an emergency. The car for instance, there is mass transit. I took a bus to work for many years.
Another thought playing through my mind is one I had years ago. I saw a pendulum on a clock swinging back and forth. Sometimes the pendulum swung real far one way before it settled in the middle. This picture was one I focused on a lot as I went through counseling.
As I grew in counseling I began to assert myself. I remember seeing abuse victims who got out of their abuse and were very hard people. I did not want to be that way. I wanted to be lovable, not mean and cranky.
As I began to implement what I learned, I found myself facing a variety of new situations. First I had people tell me I was selfish. These people were vested in my dysfunction and did not want me to change. They were angry when I said I did not like something or I did not want to do that or even if I said “no.” I also found myself over asserting. I had to try being assertive on before I could find the middle ground. As I grew I learned to not be so harsh.
As I go through counseling again, I am learning to be assertive again. As I went through grieving recently, I had people tell me that I told too much on Facebook. I wanted my friends to pray for a family member and I told a brief description of the illness. I like to know a little bit when I pray and so I gave information as generally as I could. I quit asking for prayers, because I did not want to offend.
As I continued on in counseling, I found myself confronting people instead of avoiding them. I had someone in my life get upset when we visited certain people. I’d had enough and made a phone call. I confronted this person in a way I had not confronted someone in a long while.
When the family member died, I put my feelings on Facebook. In brackets I said I had to do this. I was confronting people there as well. As I confronted this person about who visited us. I found myself startled at what was coming out of me. Junior was even proud of me. As I talked on the phone the one time, he was in the kitchen clapping his hands. That felt nice too. Experience teaches me that I will go a little overboard before I swing back to the middle again.
Realizing that I am hyper has been a moment as well. I find that Junior gets frustrated with me sometimes. As I grasped that I am hyper, I realized some of the things I was doing was to compensate for my need to change constantly. For instance, I often ask how long something will take. When I know that something should last for so many hours, then I begin to find things to fill my time so I won’t bother him. I am starting to figure out that some of my asking is so I won’t be bugging him constantly.
So I grow, I learn again things I learned a long time ago and I am liking “me” once more. I am who God is creating me to be and I am finding comfort in that.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
“Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” For some reason this quote keeps playing through my mind. I have a few things floating through my brain of late. Most of them deal with money.
When I was a little girl my Dad would often have me deal with bill collectors. He knew the time they generally called and if I was at home, he’d make me answer the phone. He told me that if I told them that he was there, he’d beat me. He sat there blowing smoke in my face and had a threatening look on his face. The bill collector seemed to know that Dad was near and started threatening me.
It was awful. This left a lasting impression on me and both husbands soon learned that I never wanted bill collectors calling me. I became anal about money, I wonder why? All these years later….I’m not even angry or hurt anymore. At this point in my life, I’m even grateful that Dad did that.
I’m grateful because, I started putting money aside out of my check. When I started at the bank, I started putting a little aside in a 401K account. The bank went through a merger early on in my career and at that point I decided that if something like that happened again, I’d like to not worry and retire.
When I married Junior we sought the advice of a financial advisor. We put the money he suggested into our 401k. The last few months I worked I upped my deductions. We were faithful in setting this money aside. Along with Junior’s pension and what we put away, we are doing well. We are not rich, we are good. This money needs to last us, the rest of our lives.
I have people in my life that seem to think I am rich. They seem to think that I need to give, loan whatever to them as they want. I am also learning that giving money does not always help people out. Some people are your friend as long as you give to them. If you don’t give to them all of a sudden, they step out of your life.
Again, I find that some people can’t seem to handle money, won’t save etc. They expect me to bail them out with each passing of the wind proposition that comes along. They are angry if I won’t loan them money.
To me a real emergency is like we had as kids, Dad had polio, Grandma and Grandpa walked out on us – that is a real emergency. To buy a car, fix on your house, and take a vacation or such is not an emergency. The car for instance, there is mass transit. I took a bus to work for many years.
Another thought playing through my mind is one I had years ago. I saw a pendulum on a clock swinging back and forth. Sometimes the pendulum swung real far one way before it settled in the middle. This picture was one I focused on a lot as I went through counseling.
As I grew in counseling I began to assert myself. I remember seeing abuse victims who got out of their abuse and were very hard people. I did not want to be that way. I wanted to be lovable, not mean and cranky.
As I began to implement what I learned, I found myself facing a variety of new situations. First I had people tell me I was selfish. These people were vested in my dysfunction and did not want me to change. They were angry when I said I did not like something or I did not want to do that or even if I said “no.” I also found myself over asserting. I had to try being assertive on before I could find the middle ground. As I grew I learned to not be so harsh.
As I go through counseling again, I am learning to be assertive again. As I went through grieving recently, I had people tell me that I told too much on Facebook. I wanted my friends to pray for a family member and I told a brief description of the illness. I like to know a little bit when I pray and so I gave information as generally as I could. I quit asking for prayers, because I did not want to offend.
As I continued on in counseling, I found myself confronting people instead of avoiding them. I had someone in my life get upset when we visited certain people. I’d had enough and made a phone call. I confronted this person in a way I had not confronted someone in a long while.
When the family member died, I put my feelings on Facebook. In brackets I said I had to do this. I was confronting people there as well. As I confronted this person about who visited us. I found myself startled at what was coming out of me. Junior was even proud of me. As I talked on the phone the one time, he was in the kitchen clapping his hands. That felt nice too. Experience teaches me that I will go a little overboard before I swing back to the middle again.
Realizing that I am hyper has been a moment as well. I find that Junior gets frustrated with me sometimes. As I grasped that I am hyper, I realized some of the things I was doing was to compensate for my need to change constantly. For instance, I often ask how long something will take. When I know that something should last for so many hours, then I begin to find things to fill my time so I won’t bother him. I am starting to figure out that some of my asking is so I won’t be bugging him constantly.
So I grow, I learn again things I learned a long time ago and I am liking “me” once more. I am who God is creating me to be and I am finding comfort in that.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, February 11, 2011
February 12, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Today I am pondering the cross. As I have gone on in my faith journey, I tend to find myself focused on things and then new lessons seem to come to me. As I learned to really pray, I felt God saying to me “look at the cross.” For me my faith journey really began in earnest at the cross. I had wanted to avoid the cross. It was awful to see in my mind’s eye the horror of what our Savior endured.
At the cross, I saw immense physical pain. Actually before Jesus went to the cross, He endured pain beyond belief. He was scourged. That means He was given lashes with a whip. The whip had bone fragments and glass chards tied to the whip. Not only was His back tore up with the whip, it was tore up more due to the glass and bone tied to it. Part of his backbone may have even shown through.
At this point I realize that our Savior endured emotional pain. He was hung up naked for the entire world to see. The disciples had run off. He was made fun of “If you are really God, then come down from that cross,” type of sayings. The soldiers gambled for His clothes, while He was hanging on the cross. Our Savior endured so much pain both physical and emotional. He saw His mother watching Him die, not easy to see for sure. She was crying, her child was up there.
After our Savior was scourged, He was mocked. That wasn’t just name calling and shoving alone. The crown of thorns were forcefully placed on His head, not to just set up there gently, but pushed down into His scalp. I saw a painting one time where blood was dripping into His eyes, that means His eyes stung with the salt from the blood. They dressed Him in purple robes, a sign of royalty. Then they made fun of Him. The cruel remarks about Him being Savior and saving Himself were plentiful. The soldiers then took a rod, I believe it was a steal rod and hit Jesus on the face. The Bible says He was disfigured. That to me means His face was swollen profoundly. I want to cry. Jesus is weak at this point. The soldiers made Him carry His cross. He fell and another man was forced to carry it for Him.
On the hill, Jesus is then nailed to the cross. I wince with the thought of nails being pounded into His flesh. At this point our Savior struggles to breathe. He struggles with a pulling up to get air into His lungs, falling back down to the original position for the rest of His life. He can only get air when He pulls Himself up. As He runs out of air, He then pulls up again. I also realize that His back is so very tender and the boards are not soft on His back and again I want to cry.
Lately, I marvel at the compassion our Savior still had. Me, I’d want to curl up in a ball and cry. Thoughts for others would be far from my mind. One of the first things Jesus did was pray, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Next He gives Mary to John to go live with him. He took care of His mother. Lastly He tells the thief he will be in paradise with Him. He does all that while trying to breathe.
At this point I begin to see what hell is. I see that if I had not accepted Jesus’ death confessed my sins and began to allow the Holy Spirit to guide me, change me and that is what eternity would be pain, more pain and still more pain. So as I see in my mind’s eye once more, I find myself rejoicing when I see Jesus has conquered the grave.
At the cross, I learn compassion, grace and mercy. I find myself desiring to change, to accept people where they are at. It doesn’t mean that I allow people to walk on me for the sake of being mean. Jesus often told the Pharisees what He thought, bluntly and without apology. He threw out the money lenders etc in the temple when they were trying to gouge the people for the animals that were to be sacrificed.
One of the things I marvel at is Jesus accepted the lowest of low people. He loved prostitutes, lepers and the like. He gave them hope. Mary, the one who came and dumped expensive perfume on Jesus, then cleaned His feet with her tears, was a prostitute. The woman at the well was married to 5 men and the sixth she just lived with. The ones with no hope, accepted Jesus’ teachings, changed their lives and are more than likely in heaven, while the teachers and the ones who looked respectable and were not really, I shudder to think where they are at. Again I hear the teaching about the cup. The inside is clean while the outside is dirty teaching. I hear that we must be changed from the inside to the out and not fake a clean heart.
I have a deep desire to love as I have been loved by God. I have a deep desire to accept people who are way different than me. I have a need to be in prayer a whole bunch. Prayer teaches me to open my heart to those who are strange to me. My once very critical nature is changing. I realize at the cross that I am a sinner and that “God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
As I once more walk out of immense emotional pain, I realize again that I am loved and it really doesn’t matter if others don’t like me. God does. I have a renewed urgency to go forth and spread the Good News….Jesus loves the lost, the lonely and the unlovable. How do I do it? For me, it is writing this blog, my book, being a friendly face when I see hurt in someone’s eyes and being a friend to whomever God sends my way. Being with the “cool” crowd is no longer important.
Jesus told the disciples to go out and give the Good News. If they were not accepted, then they were to dust the dirt off their feet and move on. The lesson for me is that people won’t like me, I talk too much, I am hyper, I repeat myself AND that is ok.
Won’t you consider the cross?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Today I am pondering the cross. As I have gone on in my faith journey, I tend to find myself focused on things and then new lessons seem to come to me. As I learned to really pray, I felt God saying to me “look at the cross.” For me my faith journey really began in earnest at the cross. I had wanted to avoid the cross. It was awful to see in my mind’s eye the horror of what our Savior endured.
At the cross, I saw immense physical pain. Actually before Jesus went to the cross, He endured pain beyond belief. He was scourged. That means He was given lashes with a whip. The whip had bone fragments and glass chards tied to the whip. Not only was His back tore up with the whip, it was tore up more due to the glass and bone tied to it. Part of his backbone may have even shown through.
At this point I realize that our Savior endured emotional pain. He was hung up naked for the entire world to see. The disciples had run off. He was made fun of “If you are really God, then come down from that cross,” type of sayings. The soldiers gambled for His clothes, while He was hanging on the cross. Our Savior endured so much pain both physical and emotional. He saw His mother watching Him die, not easy to see for sure. She was crying, her child was up there.
After our Savior was scourged, He was mocked. That wasn’t just name calling and shoving alone. The crown of thorns were forcefully placed on His head, not to just set up there gently, but pushed down into His scalp. I saw a painting one time where blood was dripping into His eyes, that means His eyes stung with the salt from the blood. They dressed Him in purple robes, a sign of royalty. Then they made fun of Him. The cruel remarks about Him being Savior and saving Himself were plentiful. The soldiers then took a rod, I believe it was a steal rod and hit Jesus on the face. The Bible says He was disfigured. That to me means His face was swollen profoundly. I want to cry. Jesus is weak at this point. The soldiers made Him carry His cross. He fell and another man was forced to carry it for Him.
On the hill, Jesus is then nailed to the cross. I wince with the thought of nails being pounded into His flesh. At this point our Savior struggles to breathe. He struggles with a pulling up to get air into His lungs, falling back down to the original position for the rest of His life. He can only get air when He pulls Himself up. As He runs out of air, He then pulls up again. I also realize that His back is so very tender and the boards are not soft on His back and again I want to cry.
Lately, I marvel at the compassion our Savior still had. Me, I’d want to curl up in a ball and cry. Thoughts for others would be far from my mind. One of the first things Jesus did was pray, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Next He gives Mary to John to go live with him. He took care of His mother. Lastly He tells the thief he will be in paradise with Him. He does all that while trying to breathe.
At this point I begin to see what hell is. I see that if I had not accepted Jesus’ death confessed my sins and began to allow the Holy Spirit to guide me, change me and that is what eternity would be pain, more pain and still more pain. So as I see in my mind’s eye once more, I find myself rejoicing when I see Jesus has conquered the grave.
At the cross, I learn compassion, grace and mercy. I find myself desiring to change, to accept people where they are at. It doesn’t mean that I allow people to walk on me for the sake of being mean. Jesus often told the Pharisees what He thought, bluntly and without apology. He threw out the money lenders etc in the temple when they were trying to gouge the people for the animals that were to be sacrificed.
One of the things I marvel at is Jesus accepted the lowest of low people. He loved prostitutes, lepers and the like. He gave them hope. Mary, the one who came and dumped expensive perfume on Jesus, then cleaned His feet with her tears, was a prostitute. The woman at the well was married to 5 men and the sixth she just lived with. The ones with no hope, accepted Jesus’ teachings, changed their lives and are more than likely in heaven, while the teachers and the ones who looked respectable and were not really, I shudder to think where they are at. Again I hear the teaching about the cup. The inside is clean while the outside is dirty teaching. I hear that we must be changed from the inside to the out and not fake a clean heart.
I have a deep desire to love as I have been loved by God. I have a deep desire to accept people who are way different than me. I have a need to be in prayer a whole bunch. Prayer teaches me to open my heart to those who are strange to me. My once very critical nature is changing. I realize at the cross that I am a sinner and that “God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
As I once more walk out of immense emotional pain, I realize again that I am loved and it really doesn’t matter if others don’t like me. God does. I have a renewed urgency to go forth and spread the Good News….Jesus loves the lost, the lonely and the unlovable. How do I do it? For me, it is writing this blog, my book, being a friendly face when I see hurt in someone’s eyes and being a friend to whomever God sends my way. Being with the “cool” crowd is no longer important.
Jesus told the disciples to go out and give the Good News. If they were not accepted, then they were to dust the dirt off their feet and move on. The lesson for me is that people won’t like me, I talk too much, I am hyper, I repeat myself AND that is ok.
Won’t you consider the cross?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, February 4, 2011
February 5, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
“Shut the door” plays through my brain right now and I ponder the Bible’s teachings. I am definitely not a “shut the door” person. I need to look at the layers in life before I can shut the door. That said I have shut the door to things in life. There seems to be a moment where I can’t go on the way I once did. Divorce comes to mind. The life I lived with my first husband is now done. I’ve pondered, thought about what went wrong, my piece to it etc. We learned in our re-married classes that we needed to look and to see what we did to contribute to the problems in our previous marriage and then we learned to not repeat ourselves in this marriage. It has been a very helpful tool overall.
I’ve shut the door to that life at this point. I do from time to time talk about things that had gone on. Most of my divorced friends will from time to time re-visit the previous marriage’s struggles. For the most part though, that is done and settled within our hearts and minds. Junior’s neighbor had gotten divorced seven years prior to my marrying him. She talked to me several times over the fence and at first I thought she was newly divorced. I quickly realized that I did not want to be in that much pain or to constantly be held captive to my feelings years from my previous marriage and into the new marriage. I am happy though that I grieved that first marriage then tried to learn the lessons I needed to learn. There seems to be a point where you need to let go and move on.
At one point in Jesus’ life He sent the disciples out on their own to bring the Good News to others. He told them that if they were not received then they needed to brush the dust off of their feet and go on. That sounds like a shut the door moment to me. I am learning that either “shut the door or look back” moments both are in the Bible.
In recent years I’ve shut some doors. These have been very painful moments for me. I’d rather not have shut the door, the time came and…….. As I have shut the door I did dig to find out what went wrong. I tried to find if there was a way to rectify things and when I could not, I felt it was best to walk away. Sometimes I feel you can love people by letting them go. One of my favorite saying goes something like “let it go, if it is meant to be it will come back.” I often think of butterflies at this point.
I am finding comfort that both styles are in the Bible. I am finding that in life, I’ve used both methods to deal with life’s struggles. The Jewish people are taught to look back to see where they once were and where they are now. I am also able to allow another person the style they need so they can cope.
I think of Agape love again. We are to seek the other person’s highest good. As I go along on this journey I am finding that to be a wonderful way to live my life. I can’t do it all the time. I try to do it as much as I can though, in doing that, I have found life to be fuller and richer because I am able to accept people where they are at.
I have control issues. In the craziness of life I tend to want to make things go my way at times. As I have journeyed along in my faith journey though, I’m finding that the need to control is less and less important to me. I think Junior has helped me feel safe. He accepts my hyper ways, my constant digging into the layers of life personality. He isn’t always going ballistic when I want to explore so as I’ve been allowed to dig, I’ve been able to let go more and more.
Funny story, when we were first married I tended to wake up before him a lot. As I woke up, I calculated the hours he had slept and if it was 7-8 hours, I’d wake him up with, “can I talk?” Junior was the first person I felt safe with exploring all the thoughts in my brain. He did not mind listening to me and it was a new sensation. As the years have gone on, I find I don’t need to wake him up just to talk. When I need to explore things, I tell him and he lets me explore. He will give me his thoughts and that helps me to move on. He does not slam the door shut and won’t let me bring things up, that helps me so much. He lets me be me. That is why I love this man so much. He lets me be me, warts and all.
To me, I think both ways are great ways to handle life. Some people need to dig, to peer and then in that they can move on. There are some who need to move on right away, don’t look back. I do wonder though if someone opens a door that you want shut and you struggle then has the problem really been resolved? Junior is so good at shutting doors. He does not get all bent out of shape when a door is opened. He will tell me, “I don’t want to go there.” I then know to move on and quit talking about that subject. He does not put me down either because I’m a look back and peer type of girl. He seems to understand that unless I do that I can’t move forward.
Again I think on Paul’s teaching. We are all members in Christ. One is a hand, another is a foot and still another is a nose. If I think about the different places each of these parts are on the body, they are in very different locations. If each had an eye, each would see the world from a totally different perspective.
Are you able to accept someone who is totally different from you? Are you able to love people where they are at? Hard to do at times, still when I can…..wow the people I’ve been able to love has been a blessing.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
“Shut the door” plays through my brain right now and I ponder the Bible’s teachings. I am definitely not a “shut the door” person. I need to look at the layers in life before I can shut the door. That said I have shut the door to things in life. There seems to be a moment where I can’t go on the way I once did. Divorce comes to mind. The life I lived with my first husband is now done. I’ve pondered, thought about what went wrong, my piece to it etc. We learned in our re-married classes that we needed to look and to see what we did to contribute to the problems in our previous marriage and then we learned to not repeat ourselves in this marriage. It has been a very helpful tool overall.
I’ve shut the door to that life at this point. I do from time to time talk about things that had gone on. Most of my divorced friends will from time to time re-visit the previous marriage’s struggles. For the most part though, that is done and settled within our hearts and minds. Junior’s neighbor had gotten divorced seven years prior to my marrying him. She talked to me several times over the fence and at first I thought she was newly divorced. I quickly realized that I did not want to be in that much pain or to constantly be held captive to my feelings years from my previous marriage and into the new marriage. I am happy though that I grieved that first marriage then tried to learn the lessons I needed to learn. There seems to be a point where you need to let go and move on.
At one point in Jesus’ life He sent the disciples out on their own to bring the Good News to others. He told them that if they were not received then they needed to brush the dust off of their feet and go on. That sounds like a shut the door moment to me. I am learning that either “shut the door or look back” moments both are in the Bible.
In recent years I’ve shut some doors. These have been very painful moments for me. I’d rather not have shut the door, the time came and…….. As I have shut the door I did dig to find out what went wrong. I tried to find if there was a way to rectify things and when I could not, I felt it was best to walk away. Sometimes I feel you can love people by letting them go. One of my favorite saying goes something like “let it go, if it is meant to be it will come back.” I often think of butterflies at this point.
I am finding comfort that both styles are in the Bible. I am finding that in life, I’ve used both methods to deal with life’s struggles. The Jewish people are taught to look back to see where they once were and where they are now. I am also able to allow another person the style they need so they can cope.
I think of Agape love again. We are to seek the other person’s highest good. As I go along on this journey I am finding that to be a wonderful way to live my life. I can’t do it all the time. I try to do it as much as I can though, in doing that, I have found life to be fuller and richer because I am able to accept people where they are at.
I have control issues. In the craziness of life I tend to want to make things go my way at times. As I have journeyed along in my faith journey though, I’m finding that the need to control is less and less important to me. I think Junior has helped me feel safe. He accepts my hyper ways, my constant digging into the layers of life personality. He isn’t always going ballistic when I want to explore so as I’ve been allowed to dig, I’ve been able to let go more and more.
Funny story, when we were first married I tended to wake up before him a lot. As I woke up, I calculated the hours he had slept and if it was 7-8 hours, I’d wake him up with, “can I talk?” Junior was the first person I felt safe with exploring all the thoughts in my brain. He did not mind listening to me and it was a new sensation. As the years have gone on, I find I don’t need to wake him up just to talk. When I need to explore things, I tell him and he lets me explore. He will give me his thoughts and that helps me to move on. He does not slam the door shut and won’t let me bring things up, that helps me so much. He lets me be me. That is why I love this man so much. He lets me be me, warts and all.
To me, I think both ways are great ways to handle life. Some people need to dig, to peer and then in that they can move on. There are some who need to move on right away, don’t look back. I do wonder though if someone opens a door that you want shut and you struggle then has the problem really been resolved? Junior is so good at shutting doors. He does not get all bent out of shape when a door is opened. He will tell me, “I don’t want to go there.” I then know to move on and quit talking about that subject. He does not put me down either because I’m a look back and peer type of girl. He seems to understand that unless I do that I can’t move forward.
Again I think on Paul’s teaching. We are all members in Christ. One is a hand, another is a foot and still another is a nose. If I think about the different places each of these parts are on the body, they are in very different locations. If each had an eye, each would see the world from a totally different perspective.
Are you able to accept someone who is totally different from you? Are you able to love people where they are at? Hard to do at times, still when I can…..wow the people I’ve been able to love has been a blessing.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, January 28, 2011
January 29, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Love is on my heart today. Valentine’s Day is around the corner and I guess I am thinking about love. I have loved 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
As I live alongside of Junior, I find that I begin to want to not have my own way just for the sake of winning, being number one etc. I find that I want his best and what is best for the relationship more than me having my own way all the time. As much as I’ve been told “it’s not all about you” I find that I truly don’t enjoy when life is all about me. When we are blending and moving along in harmony there is a true peace that resides within me.
I pray for our marriage a whole lot. We both know marriage turned sour is a real sad moment, so we strive to live as God teaches us to live in harmony. For me, I pray for our marriage pretty much each day.
My prayer goes something like this: “Father thank you for this marriage. Teach me to be teachable and teach me to be the wife Junior needs. I don’t want to be a cookie cutter mold of a wife, but the one Junior needs. Teach me to be the wife, friend, and lover and companion my husband needs. Open my eyes and heart to him. Help me to see the good parts and not focus on his annoying traits. Teach me to honor and respect him. Lord, I am clueless as to what respect looks like, so help me to do this. When I disrespect him I hurt, so help me to respect him. Teach me to be sensitive to him. Big strong muscles, soft tender heart and teach me to seek his highest good. I pray you will protect us, hold us close. Teach us to be faithful and fruitful, first to you and then to each other. Lead us, guide us and direct us for your kingdom and glory.”
God has been so faithful to my request. We are each other’s best friend and that is so wonderful. I don’t worry about Junior making me do things I truly don’t want to do. If something scares me, he backs off. Sometimes he will push me and if I put up enough of a fuss, he won’t make me do it. These days though, if he insists I do something that is uncomfortable, I will try before I say “no” because I know that he won’t make me do something I can’t or don’t feel fairly comfortable with.
As we have entered into marriage and have been married, I’ve found that my role as a wife is to watch after my man’s heart. At our wedding the Minister told the story about a woman not being created from the head to rule over her or the foot to trample her, but the rib to stand beside the man. I learned that we were created next to the heart, the bones that protect the heart and my job is to protect my man’s heart.
In some ways, I think that is why as a woman I find I want to have a comfortable home for him. When we were first married, we worked a three hour difference in our shifts. I left Junior notes so when he came home he “felt me”. I made myself write about how I admired him. He loved it. It also helped me to quit focusing on his bad habits. The more I wrote about what I liked the harder it was for me to be constantly frustrated with him.
Comfortable home brings to mind that for Junior a comfortable home is not a spotless home. He likes a home that is lived in, a little clutter etc. If I am to make a comfortable home to some extent then I need to be sensitive to what he likes. I live there as well and I need to balance my need for a spotless home with Junior’s need for a little clutter. As we move along in this marriage, I am finding that I can then focus on other things if I am able to balance out perfectly spotless with a little clutter.
In our re-marriage classes we learned that it was important to date. It is vital for the relationship. They also taught us that dates don’t have to be expensive. We quickly learned that an evening of grocery shopping was a date for us. We loved to walk the aisles together, finding what we needed and sometimes we even stole kisses in the aisles. When we worked we did not watch TV. We loved to rent a movie on the weekends and found that to be a wonderful date. We un-wound from the work week and enjoyed a movie together.
I have also found that I needed to be sensitive to what Junior likes to do. Dates could not always be only what I wanted. I needed to enter into some of his man stuff. I like a stroll through the mall and Junior likes a night at the gun range. In another life I hated Home Depot runs. In this marriage, I love it. Junior is so cute. Sometimes I happen upon him playing with tools. He is like a kid as he holds a tool and play acts with it. I would miss these types of precious moments if I never allowed myself to enter into his fun.
“Two become one” comes to mind. As I read the Bible I learn my roles as a woman. I am a helpmate and I love that. As I learn to enter into Junior’s man stuff, I find a wonderful depth in marriage I never knew could exist.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Love is on my heart today. Valentine’s Day is around the corner and I guess I am thinking about love. I have loved 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
As I live alongside of Junior, I find that I begin to want to not have my own way just for the sake of winning, being number one etc. I find that I want his best and what is best for the relationship more than me having my own way all the time. As much as I’ve been told “it’s not all about you” I find that I truly don’t enjoy when life is all about me. When we are blending and moving along in harmony there is a true peace that resides within me.
I pray for our marriage a whole lot. We both know marriage turned sour is a real sad moment, so we strive to live as God teaches us to live in harmony. For me, I pray for our marriage pretty much each day.
My prayer goes something like this: “Father thank you for this marriage. Teach me to be teachable and teach me to be the wife Junior needs. I don’t want to be a cookie cutter mold of a wife, but the one Junior needs. Teach me to be the wife, friend, and lover and companion my husband needs. Open my eyes and heart to him. Help me to see the good parts and not focus on his annoying traits. Teach me to honor and respect him. Lord, I am clueless as to what respect looks like, so help me to do this. When I disrespect him I hurt, so help me to respect him. Teach me to be sensitive to him. Big strong muscles, soft tender heart and teach me to seek his highest good. I pray you will protect us, hold us close. Teach us to be faithful and fruitful, first to you and then to each other. Lead us, guide us and direct us for your kingdom and glory.”
God has been so faithful to my request. We are each other’s best friend and that is so wonderful. I don’t worry about Junior making me do things I truly don’t want to do. If something scares me, he backs off. Sometimes he will push me and if I put up enough of a fuss, he won’t make me do it. These days though, if he insists I do something that is uncomfortable, I will try before I say “no” because I know that he won’t make me do something I can’t or don’t feel fairly comfortable with.
As we have entered into marriage and have been married, I’ve found that my role as a wife is to watch after my man’s heart. At our wedding the Minister told the story about a woman not being created from the head to rule over her or the foot to trample her, but the rib to stand beside the man. I learned that we were created next to the heart, the bones that protect the heart and my job is to protect my man’s heart.
In some ways, I think that is why as a woman I find I want to have a comfortable home for him. When we were first married, we worked a three hour difference in our shifts. I left Junior notes so when he came home he “felt me”. I made myself write about how I admired him. He loved it. It also helped me to quit focusing on his bad habits. The more I wrote about what I liked the harder it was for me to be constantly frustrated with him.
Comfortable home brings to mind that for Junior a comfortable home is not a spotless home. He likes a home that is lived in, a little clutter etc. If I am to make a comfortable home to some extent then I need to be sensitive to what he likes. I live there as well and I need to balance my need for a spotless home with Junior’s need for a little clutter. As we move along in this marriage, I am finding that I can then focus on other things if I am able to balance out perfectly spotless with a little clutter.
In our re-marriage classes we learned that it was important to date. It is vital for the relationship. They also taught us that dates don’t have to be expensive. We quickly learned that an evening of grocery shopping was a date for us. We loved to walk the aisles together, finding what we needed and sometimes we even stole kisses in the aisles. When we worked we did not watch TV. We loved to rent a movie on the weekends and found that to be a wonderful date. We un-wound from the work week and enjoyed a movie together.
I have also found that I needed to be sensitive to what Junior likes to do. Dates could not always be only what I wanted. I needed to enter into some of his man stuff. I like a stroll through the mall and Junior likes a night at the gun range. In another life I hated Home Depot runs. In this marriage, I love it. Junior is so cute. Sometimes I happen upon him playing with tools. He is like a kid as he holds a tool and play acts with it. I would miss these types of precious moments if I never allowed myself to enter into his fun.
“Two become one” comes to mind. As I read the Bible I learn my roles as a woman. I am a helpmate and I love that. As I learn to enter into Junior’s man stuff, I find a wonderful depth in marriage I never knew could exist.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, January 21, 2011
January 22, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I struggle a whole lot with wanting to be perfect. Even in my faith journey I want to be perfect. If we accept Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection, then we need to realize that there is no way can we ever be perfect enough. If we were perfect then we would not have a need for a Savior who would give His life as a ransom for ours.
I have also struggled with sin. I felt justified in many of my sins. My bitterness to me was a natural consequence to all the abuse I suffered. My fear and dislike of men was justified, men hurt, so how can I trust? I felt like “doesn’t God understand” the pain in my life? Doesn’t God understand my fears? I did not think He did understand, how He would know, he never lived among us and faced the struggles we have faced. That was my thinking.
Pain piled up in my life. Everywhere I turned, I felt pain. I had physical pain, emotional pain and life to me was so difficult to live. I had moments where I would not go out the front door, life hurt too much and I was going to make someone unhappy with the way I am. In some ways that is how I have felt the last two years. Jesus has made me to see that He loves me, even if the ones around me don’t. A lot of my strength comes in the ugliness of the cross. It is there I see that all sin, white lies to me tiny sin is ugly to God. It is there that I marvel at God’s provision for us by sending His Son to redeem us.
As I am reading through the Bible, I come across Jesus’ genealogy. It is there that I see who the ancestor’s of our Savior were. I am focused at this point on the women that were mentioned. Many of the women were unsavory women. Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and slept with her father-in-law. When her husband died, by law his brother was to sleep with her and give her an heir to carry on her husband’s line. Her father-in-law gave one son and when he died the third son was too young. He held back the third son and never sent him to Tamar. Finally Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and a son was conceived when her father-in-law procured her services.
There is Rahab. She was a prostitute. She hid spies for Israel when they were spying out the land for occupation. Because she came to the aid of this foundling country she was saved and even became in direct line with Jesus. Ruth was great grandmother to King David. She lost her husband. There was no other man to help her have a child in the family. She loved her mother-in-law enough to go live in her country and give her own up. She was of foreign descent. When they moved back to Israel, a family member, a redeemer married Ruth. Finally there was Bathsheba. King David saw her on the roof bathing, decided he wanted her. He called for her and they slept together. A child was conceived. When Bathsheba told King David that she was pregnant, King David had her husband murdered and then took her as his wife. The child died. They later gave birth to Solomon who became a great King.
Most of these women had unsavory backgrounds. Most of them would have been shunned by their fellow citizens. All of them are ancestors to our Lord. In His background were people who did not do good things. I mentioned the women because I am a woman. There were men who were unsavory as well.
As I read the genealogy, I found myself feeling a sense of comfort. I found that I can never be perfect. I again find myself looking at the cross. Our Savior was willing to enter into our sin infested lives. He lived among us. He laughed, He cried, He loved and He felt every pain, emotional and physical pain we have. I am always sad when I ponder what He endured on the cross, before He even was nailed to the cross. I begin to find hope rising within me as I feel His last breath leave Him. I have such hope when I in my mind’s eye see once more that He has risen from the grave. At that point…..I feel Easter, Resurrection Sunday over and over in my heart.
I also learn that I am not perfect, can never be until heaven. I find myself giving me grace more I find myself giving grace to others. I have a deep desire to love as I have been loved by God and to reach out with the hope I have and share what I have learned.
I may have had sex before marriage, did drugs, and drank too much, lost my temper when I should not have etc. In Jesus though I am forgiven I am made new and such hope resides in me that I had never known before. As I embrace this hope I find that I am changing. I believe it is the Holy Spirit teaching me how to live a better life. I also find comfort that even with all of this I will fall down from time to time. At that point I almost sense God picking me up, dusting me off and sending me on my way again.
Where is your hope? Is it material possessions? Is it money? Is it family?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I struggle a whole lot with wanting to be perfect. Even in my faith journey I want to be perfect. If we accept Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection, then we need to realize that there is no way can we ever be perfect enough. If we were perfect then we would not have a need for a Savior who would give His life as a ransom for ours.
I have also struggled with sin. I felt justified in many of my sins. My bitterness to me was a natural consequence to all the abuse I suffered. My fear and dislike of men was justified, men hurt, so how can I trust? I felt like “doesn’t God understand” the pain in my life? Doesn’t God understand my fears? I did not think He did understand, how He would know, he never lived among us and faced the struggles we have faced. That was my thinking.
Pain piled up in my life. Everywhere I turned, I felt pain. I had physical pain, emotional pain and life to me was so difficult to live. I had moments where I would not go out the front door, life hurt too much and I was going to make someone unhappy with the way I am. In some ways that is how I have felt the last two years. Jesus has made me to see that He loves me, even if the ones around me don’t. A lot of my strength comes in the ugliness of the cross. It is there I see that all sin, white lies to me tiny sin is ugly to God. It is there that I marvel at God’s provision for us by sending His Son to redeem us.
As I am reading through the Bible, I come across Jesus’ genealogy. It is there that I see who the ancestor’s of our Savior were. I am focused at this point on the women that were mentioned. Many of the women were unsavory women. Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and slept with her father-in-law. When her husband died, by law his brother was to sleep with her and give her an heir to carry on her husband’s line. Her father-in-law gave one son and when he died the third son was too young. He held back the third son and never sent him to Tamar. Finally Tamar disguised herself as a prostitute and a son was conceived when her father-in-law procured her services.
There is Rahab. She was a prostitute. She hid spies for Israel when they were spying out the land for occupation. Because she came to the aid of this foundling country she was saved and even became in direct line with Jesus. Ruth was great grandmother to King David. She lost her husband. There was no other man to help her have a child in the family. She loved her mother-in-law enough to go live in her country and give her own up. She was of foreign descent. When they moved back to Israel, a family member, a redeemer married Ruth. Finally there was Bathsheba. King David saw her on the roof bathing, decided he wanted her. He called for her and they slept together. A child was conceived. When Bathsheba told King David that she was pregnant, King David had her husband murdered and then took her as his wife. The child died. They later gave birth to Solomon who became a great King.
Most of these women had unsavory backgrounds. Most of them would have been shunned by their fellow citizens. All of them are ancestors to our Lord. In His background were people who did not do good things. I mentioned the women because I am a woman. There were men who were unsavory as well.
As I read the genealogy, I found myself feeling a sense of comfort. I found that I can never be perfect. I again find myself looking at the cross. Our Savior was willing to enter into our sin infested lives. He lived among us. He laughed, He cried, He loved and He felt every pain, emotional and physical pain we have. I am always sad when I ponder what He endured on the cross, before He even was nailed to the cross. I begin to find hope rising within me as I feel His last breath leave Him. I have such hope when I in my mind’s eye see once more that He has risen from the grave. At that point…..I feel Easter, Resurrection Sunday over and over in my heart.
I also learn that I am not perfect, can never be until heaven. I find myself giving me grace more I find myself giving grace to others. I have a deep desire to love as I have been loved by God and to reach out with the hope I have and share what I have learned.
I may have had sex before marriage, did drugs, and drank too much, lost my temper when I should not have etc. In Jesus though I am forgiven I am made new and such hope resides in me that I had never known before. As I embrace this hope I find that I am changing. I believe it is the Holy Spirit teaching me how to live a better life. I also find comfort that even with all of this I will fall down from time to time. At that point I almost sense God picking me up, dusting me off and sending me on my way again.
Where is your hope? Is it material possessions? Is it money? Is it family?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, January 14, 2011
January 15, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
“Turn and Face” is a phrase that is playing around in my brain lately. I heard it for the first time in a sermon about 10 years ago. The minute I heard it I started playing it in my thoughts and it comes back to me frequently.
I think first of all of bullies. Over and over I have heard that until you “turn and face” a bully, they will continue to pick on you. Most often they will leave you alone if you go toe to toe with them and bop them right back. Bullies are more interested in scaring you than anything else. If you fight back, they tend to back down and will leave you alone.
One of the things I am seeing as I read through the Bible is that the Israelites’ often look back at where they came from. I see it in the Psalms frequently. I also see it in the New Testament. Stephen as he was being accused went back through the history of his culture. Paul often repeated how he came to faith in Jesus. Paul also talked about the past and Jewish history when he was being accused of the various crimes the Jewish leaders accused him of.
I am learning that in order to move forward it is important to look back and to see where you were. It does a couple of things. First by looking back, you can see that God has always been there. For me, I see the times God was faithful, even though I did not have a true faith walk. Those moments help me to see that God cares, will help, has helped me basically I learn that God will not “leave me or forsake me.” That gives me such courage. I am not alone. I feel alone a lot. When I allow God to “lead, guide and direct” me, I am able to move through life so much better. Next I begin to learn not to do certain things. As I look back and see what was not working, I begin to learn new ways to handle life. God seems to put on my heart the changes I need to make.
For years I felt a victim to what happened to me. I was and I also had a hard time letting go of hurt, anger and the list goes on. God is teaching me to let go of being a victim. Do I fall back, oh yes I do! Still I am moving forward. Knowing that I am a child of the King, of the Most High God helps me too. If I am a child of the King…..I am loved, wanted and I even am trusted to do things. To me that feels wonderful.
“Turn and Face…” I think again. If I don’t look, I shut the door. If I shut the door what am I closing? Am I truly facing the struggle? If I look, ponder and talk to God about what I see, what hurts I find myself moving out of despair into hope. Hope truly motivates me. If I have hope then I am able to face all kinds of things.
“Fake it till you make it.” That phrase is another one that I’ve played with for years. In that I learned to bluster my way through life. For the longest time I thought it helped me. As I look back I find that it did not really help me. I faked courage when I had none. I faked happiness when I was miserable and frankly I found no comfort. I learned to put on a “happy” face when inside I was miserable. I sounded so tough and actually I had no courage, but hey I sounded good!
These days I find more comfort in “Turn and face.” Until I look the enemy in the eye, I find myself running from him. Until I see what habits are contributing to my problem, then I can’t move away from the struggle. I tend to look back on my whole life a lot. I see where Dad used to pound on me, on all of us really. I see Mom and her caustic comments again. I am also made to look at what Mom and Dad went through. When I do that I find compassion inside of me instead of anger, bitterness, hurt and that list goes on.
Dad had polio. His parents walked out on us, leaving Mom with three small children. Mom was in charge of selling the trailer we lived in; packing the belongings into a car that was a problem. When the engine was turned off it took several hours to turn it back on again. Mom had to take three small children to the bathroom on our trip from Colorado back to Michigan. That was a 36hr drive. Mom had to help Dad into the bathroom. He was now in a wheel chair. Mom had to go get the food wherever we stopped to eat, Dad could not help.
Once we re-settled in Michigan, Mom went to work. Dad eventually taught himself how to walk and found a job. Money was always a struggle for them. The church was always there helping us in some fashion or other. Mom’s mother, a widow raising a son was helping us out as well.
Part of my looking back has been looking at how beat up we were. As I look though God has taught me to see what Mom and Dad had to deal with and in that I find such compassion.
God has been so faithful. As I pray I lift up people in my life that I struggle with. I pray “teach me to love those I find difficult to love.” He has taught me to be forgiving of my parents, my ex, and so many more people through the years. In this prayer, I find that I am able to let go of hurtful moments and to move on in life. Sometimes I do need an assist as in counseling, an accountability group etc. Again, I am moving forward.
Lately I ponder what would my life be like without Jesus. In the past the pain of life crippled me. I found it hard to get out of bed, to go out the front door and face life in general. Now I still know great pain, I’ve been struggling for a few years. I am in counseling again and again I am moving forward. With Jesus though, I find myself moving forward, even in great pain. That is the hope I have, Jesus and in Him I am able to face life, to be the weird mother, sister etc. I am able to write a book, to settle into a new state a new house and even make friends. My friends teach me I am lovable, wanted and useful. That helps me so much.
Who have you forgiven lately? Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
“Turn and Face” is a phrase that is playing around in my brain lately. I heard it for the first time in a sermon about 10 years ago. The minute I heard it I started playing it in my thoughts and it comes back to me frequently.
I think first of all of bullies. Over and over I have heard that until you “turn and face” a bully, they will continue to pick on you. Most often they will leave you alone if you go toe to toe with them and bop them right back. Bullies are more interested in scaring you than anything else. If you fight back, they tend to back down and will leave you alone.
One of the things I am seeing as I read through the Bible is that the Israelites’ often look back at where they came from. I see it in the Psalms frequently. I also see it in the New Testament. Stephen as he was being accused went back through the history of his culture. Paul often repeated how he came to faith in Jesus. Paul also talked about the past and Jewish history when he was being accused of the various crimes the Jewish leaders accused him of.
I am learning that in order to move forward it is important to look back and to see where you were. It does a couple of things. First by looking back, you can see that God has always been there. For me, I see the times God was faithful, even though I did not have a true faith walk. Those moments help me to see that God cares, will help, has helped me basically I learn that God will not “leave me or forsake me.” That gives me such courage. I am not alone. I feel alone a lot. When I allow God to “lead, guide and direct” me, I am able to move through life so much better. Next I begin to learn not to do certain things. As I look back and see what was not working, I begin to learn new ways to handle life. God seems to put on my heart the changes I need to make.
For years I felt a victim to what happened to me. I was and I also had a hard time letting go of hurt, anger and the list goes on. God is teaching me to let go of being a victim. Do I fall back, oh yes I do! Still I am moving forward. Knowing that I am a child of the King, of the Most High God helps me too. If I am a child of the King…..I am loved, wanted and I even am trusted to do things. To me that feels wonderful.
“Turn and Face…” I think again. If I don’t look, I shut the door. If I shut the door what am I closing? Am I truly facing the struggle? If I look, ponder and talk to God about what I see, what hurts I find myself moving out of despair into hope. Hope truly motivates me. If I have hope then I am able to face all kinds of things.
“Fake it till you make it.” That phrase is another one that I’ve played with for years. In that I learned to bluster my way through life. For the longest time I thought it helped me. As I look back I find that it did not really help me. I faked courage when I had none. I faked happiness when I was miserable and frankly I found no comfort. I learned to put on a “happy” face when inside I was miserable. I sounded so tough and actually I had no courage, but hey I sounded good!
These days I find more comfort in “Turn and face.” Until I look the enemy in the eye, I find myself running from him. Until I see what habits are contributing to my problem, then I can’t move away from the struggle. I tend to look back on my whole life a lot. I see where Dad used to pound on me, on all of us really. I see Mom and her caustic comments again. I am also made to look at what Mom and Dad went through. When I do that I find compassion inside of me instead of anger, bitterness, hurt and that list goes on.
Dad had polio. His parents walked out on us, leaving Mom with three small children. Mom was in charge of selling the trailer we lived in; packing the belongings into a car that was a problem. When the engine was turned off it took several hours to turn it back on again. Mom had to take three small children to the bathroom on our trip from Colorado back to Michigan. That was a 36hr drive. Mom had to help Dad into the bathroom. He was now in a wheel chair. Mom had to go get the food wherever we stopped to eat, Dad could not help.
Once we re-settled in Michigan, Mom went to work. Dad eventually taught himself how to walk and found a job. Money was always a struggle for them. The church was always there helping us in some fashion or other. Mom’s mother, a widow raising a son was helping us out as well.
Part of my looking back has been looking at how beat up we were. As I look though God has taught me to see what Mom and Dad had to deal with and in that I find such compassion.
God has been so faithful. As I pray I lift up people in my life that I struggle with. I pray “teach me to love those I find difficult to love.” He has taught me to be forgiving of my parents, my ex, and so many more people through the years. In this prayer, I find that I am able to let go of hurtful moments and to move on in life. Sometimes I do need an assist as in counseling, an accountability group etc. Again, I am moving forward.
Lately I ponder what would my life be like without Jesus. In the past the pain of life crippled me. I found it hard to get out of bed, to go out the front door and face life in general. Now I still know great pain, I’ve been struggling for a few years. I am in counseling again and again I am moving forward. With Jesus though, I find myself moving forward, even in great pain. That is the hope I have, Jesus and in Him I am able to face life, to be the weird mother, sister etc. I am able to write a book, to settle into a new state a new house and even make friends. My friends teach me I am lovable, wanted and useful. That helps me so much.
Who have you forgiven lately? Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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