March 27, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
I can still hear my Parents telling me….”Janet, you are the oldest, you must set the example.” My Dad would also tell me, “You are not to blemish the Rogers name.” Many times my parents would leave and I was in charge. It is hard to be in charge when you are barely older than those you are to be in charge of. It is hard to be in charge when you are smaller physically than those you are in charge of as well. I am 11 months older than my sister and two years and four days older than our brother.
One time my parents left for the evening. I was to have my sister come in and get ready for bed while they were gone. She did not want to come in. She stood at the door and kept talking – outside. I told her, I yelled at her and then in frustration, I slammed my fist on the door. I wasn’t looking and put it through the window…had to have stitches.
One verse I read is, Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” This Scripture often speaks volumes to me. We are to imitate God. We are to love as God loves us. We are to be an example to an unbelieving world.
My example at home was not always clear. When I acted up, I usually got slapped, sometimes shoved down and slapped in the face with a knee in my chest. I was to set the example, the example I got was violent. If violence was done to me….I then used violence. My Dad would lecture me to no end about my violent temper and he never seemed to see that I learned my violence from him.
Another lesson I was given by my Dad was, “You are who you hang out with.” My Dad told me he did not want me to hang out at the creek. “Bad” kids did real bad stuff down at the creek. What “bad” was I am not sure, but I remember not going to the creek and hanging out. I also remember the bathrooms in high school. That’s where the smokers hung out. Kids who were smoking pot and doing drugs hung out there too. I was terrified of the bathrooms. I held my urge to go, till I went home, so I wouldn’t be in the bathroom. I was sure I’d be caught, get into trouble and a phobia about being bad was bred into me. I still struggle with being bad. I drive Junior crazy because I don’t want to get into trouble.
We were going to the bank on a Saturday and the bank was closed. He turned into the driveway the wrong way. In my head I could hear the sirens and see us getting a ticket. Junior was irritated with me. I was scared. My phobias are well ingrained at this point.
My sister and brother often called me “Goody two shoes.” I irritated them because of my compulsion to not be bad. I didn’t want to be bad and hopefully I would be saved from a beating. I did not like being hit, beat or making my parents upset.
Still, there was some truth to what Dad taught me. When I had kids, I tried desperately to set the example. I remember I wanted them to wear a hat in the winter. They wouldn’t, so I started to wear a hat. They then started to wear their hat without the struggle. Set the example…it worked.
Next I think about “We are who we hang out with.” That lesson is ingrained in me too. If I hung out with kids who stole, cheated, then more than likely, I would soon give into that type of behavior. In high school I met a guy and dated him. He was using drugs. He appealed to me. He had the nerve to go against the grain. I remember being at his house one day and he yelled at his mother…used the “F” word. Boy, if I had done that, I would have had my face slapped, then the other parent would have torn into me.
Within a couple of years of dating this guy…I tried drugs. I drank. I soon was doing some not “good” for me behavior. I even was getting sexually involved. I felt so grown up. When we married, I continued on for a while. I got pregnant and then my thinking was, if they see me using what I considered not bad drugs, would they then think heroin would be ok? That was my thinking. I stopped smoking pot. I wanted to “set” the example. I also found that when I used drugs, drank too much that I was doing stuff I didn’t like. I would not have done these things if I were straight. I didn’t like “me” that way. I gave up a lot of that behavior because I didn’t like the way it felt.
I never finished college. I did get a couple of years in, didn’t finish. As I entered the work force I found that many college educated people liked me. I always found that weird. Again, I began to see “we are who we hang out with.”
Junior was a real “bad” guy. He would have scared me had I known him in the day. As he began his faith journey, he changed his behavior. He didn’t care if he killed, beat someone up etc. Now, Junior is so tender, caring. He can have a gruff way of talking, but he is a tender hearted man, I know, I see it in action all the time. As Junior walked more with Jesus, his friends began to change. He now has very good friends, who respect him, love him. He is amazing. One of these days, I may write out his life story, his changes are that astounding.
In business, I remember being told that it was important to be seen with the “right” people. The “right” people were the ones who influenced the boss, etc. I decided to be the best I could be. As I developed my faith, I wanted to “work” as onto the Lord. I wanted God to be proud of me. I tried not to bring home pens, rubber bands etc. I tried to show up to work when I was to be there, not calling off all the time. At this point in my life, my goal is to make God proud of me.
My question is…..who are you hanging out with….are they good examples….are YOU a good example.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, March 26, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
March 20, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Each year as I read through the Bible I find myself intrigued with the creation of man and woman. Adam is so excited when God creates woman from his rib he declares, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” A little later God tells Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”- Which does not mean he can be mean, cruel etc. (Genesis 2:23 and Genesis 3:16). Right from the start, man and woman were created to be together, married if you will.
I remember early in my first marriage being told that marriage should be 50-50 and as long as one of you is working on it, it was going to work. As life has gone on, I find that marriage needs to be worked on by both husband and wife. The 50-50 rule doesn’t always work that way either. It sounds good; I haven’t seen where these are true.
I do find that relationships tend to need both parties to work to make the relationship go. It doesn’t matter if it is marriage, parent – child or friendships. Two people need to be involved to make the relationship move forward.
I used to have this dream….I am climbing a mountain. I have a rope tied to my waist and behind me a man is tied to the rope and he is in a wheel chair. I would climb up a ways, turn around and lift the rope with the man and his wheel chair. It was a long, tedious, treacherous journey. I never felt like I moved forward. I have had relationships that have felt like that dream. One of us was working, pulling up the other and….the relationship never really moved forward.
I need to say it again. It takes two to make a relationship work. One cannot love for the both of them; one cannot make both people involved love each other. It will not work.
I have also found that when a relationship splits up, many times both people believe that they each did all they could to make it work. Divorce Recovery helped me see that we both tend to think we did all we could to make the relationship work. Whichever party you talk with, will tell you they did all they could. Divorce Recovery also taught us to look at “our” part in the breakup of the marriage. I have found that people who go on to two, three, four marriages often times will not look at the fact that they themselves had fault in these relationships.
One of the things I found in my own life is that I allowed people to do things. I needed to say “no” more often. I needed to say I don’t like this. I wanted to please and then I became hurt, angry etc because I wouldn’t be up front about an issue. My last counselor taught me to not talk in round-abouts. He taught me to say what I was thinking, honestly and gently.
I have found that if two people do not Both stay in touch, soon that relationship tends to disintegrate. I find people in my own life who do not meet me part way are difficult for me to stay connected to. I have had people who I call and they aren’t available. Yes sometimes we aren’t, I’m talking about when it happens a lot next to all the time type of thing. That even happens with letters and such. If you don’t ever get a response, then it is hard to stay connected. It gets to a point that I don’t know their likes and dislikes. I find it harder and harder to “know” them. Then I find it harder and harder to “talk” with them. Soon I find that this relationship is now a thing of the past.
I have also found that relationships also need to have a measure of “grace.” We all have our eccentric ways. We all can be difficult to deal with. Still, the relationships I have seen that work, seem to accept that fact. It isn’t good to allow someone to abuse us. I continue to learn that abuse is not healthy and what abuse is. Still who among us is perfect?
For me, in my marriage to Junior, I have been given a prayer by God. It goes something like this: “Lord, teach me to be the wife, friend, and lover and companion my husband needs. Open my eyes and heart to him. Teach me to honor and respect him, to be sensitive to him (big strong muscles, soft tender heart) and teach me to seek his highest good.” As the years have gone on, I find that this prayer keeps me tuned into my husband. As Junior has done some things that I found hard to deal with, God began to soften my heart to him. As I mention often, it helped with the “curb side shopping” phase, with Junior’s need to have an opinion and share it. I also find times where I need to pray for Junior, his back, his “post-traumatic stress struggles or even if we move etc.
Prayer also helps me with family and friends. Sometimes I pray for needs. Sometimes I pray for the ability to see past their hard for “me” to understand ways. As I continue to pray, I find that I love people regardless whether they like me or not. That is a blessing too. Lately I have found that I have needed to reconnect with people who haven’t been in my life for some time. Because I have prayed for them, I have been able to reconnect and I haven’t been bitter or angry. At one point in my life….I would not have been able to reconnect without a lot of distress.
As I close, I’d like to ask…..”Is there someone in your life you need to accept….forgive?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Each year as I read through the Bible I find myself intrigued with the creation of man and woman. Adam is so excited when God creates woman from his rib he declares, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” A little later God tells Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”- Which does not mean he can be mean, cruel etc. (Genesis 2:23 and Genesis 3:16). Right from the start, man and woman were created to be together, married if you will.
I remember early in my first marriage being told that marriage should be 50-50 and as long as one of you is working on it, it was going to work. As life has gone on, I find that marriage needs to be worked on by both husband and wife. The 50-50 rule doesn’t always work that way either. It sounds good; I haven’t seen where these are true.
I do find that relationships tend to need both parties to work to make the relationship go. It doesn’t matter if it is marriage, parent – child or friendships. Two people need to be involved to make the relationship move forward.
I used to have this dream….I am climbing a mountain. I have a rope tied to my waist and behind me a man is tied to the rope and he is in a wheel chair. I would climb up a ways, turn around and lift the rope with the man and his wheel chair. It was a long, tedious, treacherous journey. I never felt like I moved forward. I have had relationships that have felt like that dream. One of us was working, pulling up the other and….the relationship never really moved forward.
I need to say it again. It takes two to make a relationship work. One cannot love for the both of them; one cannot make both people involved love each other. It will not work.
I have also found that when a relationship splits up, many times both people believe that they each did all they could to make it work. Divorce Recovery helped me see that we both tend to think we did all we could to make the relationship work. Whichever party you talk with, will tell you they did all they could. Divorce Recovery also taught us to look at “our” part in the breakup of the marriage. I have found that people who go on to two, three, four marriages often times will not look at the fact that they themselves had fault in these relationships.
One of the things I found in my own life is that I allowed people to do things. I needed to say “no” more often. I needed to say I don’t like this. I wanted to please and then I became hurt, angry etc because I wouldn’t be up front about an issue. My last counselor taught me to not talk in round-abouts. He taught me to say what I was thinking, honestly and gently.
I have found that if two people do not Both stay in touch, soon that relationship tends to disintegrate. I find people in my own life who do not meet me part way are difficult for me to stay connected to. I have had people who I call and they aren’t available. Yes sometimes we aren’t, I’m talking about when it happens a lot next to all the time type of thing. That even happens with letters and such. If you don’t ever get a response, then it is hard to stay connected. It gets to a point that I don’t know their likes and dislikes. I find it harder and harder to “know” them. Then I find it harder and harder to “talk” with them. Soon I find that this relationship is now a thing of the past.
I have also found that relationships also need to have a measure of “grace.” We all have our eccentric ways. We all can be difficult to deal with. Still, the relationships I have seen that work, seem to accept that fact. It isn’t good to allow someone to abuse us. I continue to learn that abuse is not healthy and what abuse is. Still who among us is perfect?
For me, in my marriage to Junior, I have been given a prayer by God. It goes something like this: “Lord, teach me to be the wife, friend, and lover and companion my husband needs. Open my eyes and heart to him. Teach me to honor and respect him, to be sensitive to him (big strong muscles, soft tender heart) and teach me to seek his highest good.” As the years have gone on, I find that this prayer keeps me tuned into my husband. As Junior has done some things that I found hard to deal with, God began to soften my heart to him. As I mention often, it helped with the “curb side shopping” phase, with Junior’s need to have an opinion and share it. I also find times where I need to pray for Junior, his back, his “post-traumatic stress struggles or even if we move etc.
Prayer also helps me with family and friends. Sometimes I pray for needs. Sometimes I pray for the ability to see past their hard for “me” to understand ways. As I continue to pray, I find that I love people regardless whether they like me or not. That is a blessing too. Lately I have found that I have needed to reconnect with people who haven’t been in my life for some time. Because I have prayed for them, I have been able to reconnect and I haven’t been bitter or angry. At one point in my life….I would not have been able to reconnect without a lot of distress.
As I close, I’d like to ask…..”Is there someone in your life you need to accept….forgive?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, March 12, 2010
March 13, 2009
Greetings My Friend,
Face Book is fast becoming a favorite place to connect with friends and family. Recently a question was going around. “Give one word to describe me.” I tend to be intrigued by these types of games. I am always curious as to how I am perceived. I have in my mind’s eye a way I see myself. What I see myself as, is not how others may perceive me
How would I describe myself? I think of myself as dependable, honest and loyal. I also see myself as wholesome in looks and attitudes. My newest thought of late is that I am a new creation in Christ. This one is still evolving so I don’t have a full grasp of what a new creation is or looks like. Lastly I try hard to be accepting and a cheerleader.
In the last year or so, I keep hearing about my faults. It is hard to be honest to consistently hear my flaws. I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy and you know what? This irritates people to no end!
When my Dad was in the hospital we were grappling with the diagnosis of cancer. Mom’s way of dealing with it was to fuss about anything and everything. Dad needed a potty chair due to his weakness. It was next to the bed. The chair was defective and when he used it, the tray did not stay in place, thus his excrement’s fell onto the floor. Dad was embarrassed. Mom would march out to the front desk and she would berate the staff and demanded they come in and fix the chair. The staff seemed to be too busy to accommodate Mom. One time when I was up there and that happened, I went out to the desk, stated that Dad was embarrassed. I asked if they could help us out. Within minutes a new chair was at Dad’s side. In general I have found appealing to people’s sense of dignity to get me further than fussing, screaming etc.
We ran into this again when it was time to call in hospice for Dad. When Dad had polio, Mom seemed to adopt the attitude of don’t admit, don’t give in. It worked. Dad survived polio when no one thought he would. Dad learned to walk again when no one thought he could. Mom was using this approach with Dad’s bladder cancer. Mom in no way wanted hospice. It was an admission of defeat.
That is a day I would like to forget, unfortunately it is one that does come back though. I was the one who mentioned to Mom that we needed to call in hospice. Mom went ballistic. She screamed at me. She went into the bedroom and screamed at Dad. Mom was upset about the finances of Dad’s illness and was worried she’d be bankrupt. She let Dad know in no uncertain terms that he was the reason for her financial difficulties. Dad cried. Mom yelled some more. I couldn’t leave, I was dropped off. I didn’t want to in another way, I wanted to comfort Dad. I found a corner and sat as quietly as I could. Talking back was going to get me nowhere. She needed to vent, to give into her fear. My stomach was tied up in a million knots. Even at 39, I did not like to make Mom unhappy. That last statement probably sums up my people pleasing ways. I guess it was/is my attempt to do life differently.
I also remember the struggle for my parents to put food on the table. Money was tight. As an adult, when I worked, I wanted to do the best I could. I was not a workaholic like my Mom was. Still, I did not try to miss work for any unnecessary reasons. As the oldest, I was to make breakfast and lunches for my siblings as well. Dad also had me answer the phone when bill collectors called. I have a huge need to tow the line, be honest and upright, pay our bills and not get into a lot of debt. I tend to drive my husband crazy because of my fear of debt. Only recently have I been able to let him handle all the bills without fretting all the time.
As I look back on my life, I think I have lived in fear a whole lot. Fear drove me. I lived a reactionary life. The more I went through counseling, I learned to let go of fear. I learned how to quit reacting and start being pro active. As I have entered into a faith journey with the Lord Jesus, I have found myself being even more comfortable in life. I have learned to not allow people to abuse me too. Celebrate Recovery, came along when I needed it. I went with a friend who was being abused. I thought I had walked away from abusive relationships. Celebrate taught me that like the alcoholic, we tend to go back to old habits when life is difficult. Even though my husband was not abusing me, I had a person in my life that I was allowing to scream at me in inappropriate ways.
I am learning what true love feels like. My faith journey with the Lord Jesus has been precious. He loves me even if I am annoying. The more I feel like I am accepted as I am, the more courage I have. I also find I have more patience with people as well. My Minister taught me last fall that our children as adults have the right to like or dislike you. Now the Bible does teach that we are to honor our parents. It doesn’t say we have to like them. With God’s love though….I am precious, I am lovely, I am His.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Face Book is fast becoming a favorite place to connect with friends and family. Recently a question was going around. “Give one word to describe me.” I tend to be intrigued by these types of games. I am always curious as to how I am perceived. I have in my mind’s eye a way I see myself. What I see myself as, is not how others may perceive me
How would I describe myself? I think of myself as dependable, honest and loyal. I also see myself as wholesome in looks and attitudes. My newest thought of late is that I am a new creation in Christ. This one is still evolving so I don’t have a full grasp of what a new creation is or looks like. Lastly I try hard to be accepting and a cheerleader.
In the last year or so, I keep hearing about my faults. It is hard to be honest to consistently hear my flaws. I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy and you know what? This irritates people to no end!
When my Dad was in the hospital we were grappling with the diagnosis of cancer. Mom’s way of dealing with it was to fuss about anything and everything. Dad needed a potty chair due to his weakness. It was next to the bed. The chair was defective and when he used it, the tray did not stay in place, thus his excrement’s fell onto the floor. Dad was embarrassed. Mom would march out to the front desk and she would berate the staff and demanded they come in and fix the chair. The staff seemed to be too busy to accommodate Mom. One time when I was up there and that happened, I went out to the desk, stated that Dad was embarrassed. I asked if they could help us out. Within minutes a new chair was at Dad’s side. In general I have found appealing to people’s sense of dignity to get me further than fussing, screaming etc.
We ran into this again when it was time to call in hospice for Dad. When Dad had polio, Mom seemed to adopt the attitude of don’t admit, don’t give in. It worked. Dad survived polio when no one thought he would. Dad learned to walk again when no one thought he could. Mom was using this approach with Dad’s bladder cancer. Mom in no way wanted hospice. It was an admission of defeat.
That is a day I would like to forget, unfortunately it is one that does come back though. I was the one who mentioned to Mom that we needed to call in hospice. Mom went ballistic. She screamed at me. She went into the bedroom and screamed at Dad. Mom was upset about the finances of Dad’s illness and was worried she’d be bankrupt. She let Dad know in no uncertain terms that he was the reason for her financial difficulties. Dad cried. Mom yelled some more. I couldn’t leave, I was dropped off. I didn’t want to in another way, I wanted to comfort Dad. I found a corner and sat as quietly as I could. Talking back was going to get me nowhere. She needed to vent, to give into her fear. My stomach was tied up in a million knots. Even at 39, I did not like to make Mom unhappy. That last statement probably sums up my people pleasing ways. I guess it was/is my attempt to do life differently.
I also remember the struggle for my parents to put food on the table. Money was tight. As an adult, when I worked, I wanted to do the best I could. I was not a workaholic like my Mom was. Still, I did not try to miss work for any unnecessary reasons. As the oldest, I was to make breakfast and lunches for my siblings as well. Dad also had me answer the phone when bill collectors called. I have a huge need to tow the line, be honest and upright, pay our bills and not get into a lot of debt. I tend to drive my husband crazy because of my fear of debt. Only recently have I been able to let him handle all the bills without fretting all the time.
As I look back on my life, I think I have lived in fear a whole lot. Fear drove me. I lived a reactionary life. The more I went through counseling, I learned to let go of fear. I learned how to quit reacting and start being pro active. As I have entered into a faith journey with the Lord Jesus, I have found myself being even more comfortable in life. I have learned to not allow people to abuse me too. Celebrate Recovery, came along when I needed it. I went with a friend who was being abused. I thought I had walked away from abusive relationships. Celebrate taught me that like the alcoholic, we tend to go back to old habits when life is difficult. Even though my husband was not abusing me, I had a person in my life that I was allowing to scream at me in inappropriate ways.
I am learning what true love feels like. My faith journey with the Lord Jesus has been precious. He loves me even if I am annoying. The more I feel like I am accepted as I am, the more courage I have. I also find I have more patience with people as well. My Minister taught me last fall that our children as adults have the right to like or dislike you. Now the Bible does teach that we are to honor our parents. It doesn’t say we have to like them. With God’s love though….I am precious, I am lovely, I am His.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, March 5, 2010
March 6, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
A struggle…that is what I am thinking about. Struggles and the way others perceive us. We view ourselves one way, others tend to view us another AND many times we seem to be perceived in a way we are trying desperately not to be.
I was once perceived in a negative light by someone very close. I laughed at an improper time. The laugh was a nervous laugh, I was with people I had never met, a close person was extremely sick and I laughed. This person that was there is very angry with me, years later because of an improper laugh. I am perceived as a non caring person, which I was not or am not. I can’t really MAKE someone see me differently than they WANT to see me. It took me years to even find out what my offense was….which makes it even harder to apologize or reconcile when you don’t really know what you did wrong.
Another person is angry with me for something that happened 15 years ago, I did not help that person in the way they wanted to be helped, so again I am perceived as un-caring. As I go along in life, I am finding that sometimes people want to be mad and no matter what you do, they will find you offensive – even when you are not trying to be.
When I try to give my side of the argument….I am not heard. These people don’t believe me, don’t accept my struggle whatever. It hurts a WHOLE lot. Through the years, I have had to let go and move on. I could not keep beating myself up because I could not live up to what they wanted me to be.
Often times, when I talk to people, I am perceived as a caring and compassionate person. It gets hard to discern the real me and the person others see. I have a friend who is struggling to help her mother. Her mother is in a different state, she has very little money to travel back and care for her mother and now her family is calling her names.
For me, I find Jesus to be such a healing presence in my life. For the first time in my life, I feel like I matter, my intentions are not rejected. That feels wonderful. I am loved by Jesus, warts and all. Because Jesus loves me…..I am able to move on, to let go, to reach out and to love, even if my love is rejected.
Jesus is also giving me an identity. I love that too. He knows my intentions and He does not reject me. Again, this is wonderful. I find that I am able to let go, to move on and Jesus gives me a reason to go on day to day.
If we are honest….we all have done some not nice things in our lives. Jesus reminds me often that yes, I have had my moments, but that now I am made new in Him. That has been a journey I have started, to realize that I am a new creation in Christ. The new creation thing is wonderful. I don’t have to be what I used to be. I am able to “face” the day now, even though I’ve done stupid things in my life. Jesus often reminds me that He loves me. Again in love, I am able to move forward and not stay stuck some place. I now begin to see “me” through Jesus’ eyes. What do I see? I see that I am loveable. I am precious, that I have work to do AND Jesus accepts my abilities. That is so wonderful to me.
I am able to “face” the day, each day now. If someone doesn’t like me – I don’t have to give into despair. Jesus takes me, my abilities and uses them. I love having a purpose in life. I love having “work” to do. Does Jesus have to correct me – yes, still His corrections aren’t awful and I find I can move forward.
It seems to me that even though, people are rejecting me, I still have work to do. I have friends in Celebrate Recovery who accept my walk that I’ve had. My niece lets me “talk” to her about things. She even calls me up and seeks my advice – that feels wonderful. Not everyone sees me as a loser – that is amazing to me.
God has given me some prayers…He helps me pray for what I need to deal with in life. In this particular prayer, I ask God to teach me to love those whom I find difficult to love. I may be rejected, find their actions hard to deal with or just find them distasteful. When I ask Jesus to help me love those I find unlovable, I am amazed that I begin to see these people in a different light. Sometimes I need to let go of a relationship; sometimes I need to accept strange to me behavior, all I know is that I begin to accept these people where they are at. That is wonderful. Doing this allows me to not stay stuck in hurt, despair or anger. It allows me to accept them as God accepts me – right where they are at.
I also learn again to “let go, let God. I am so thankful that God loves me warts and all. He teaches me to love others “warts and all.” He then teaches me to move on in acceptance and I find that I don’t dwell on not being wanted, perceived the way I wanted or intended to be. It is so freeing.
I need to ask…..Is there someone in your life you need to forgive, to accept? Is it time to ask God for help?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
A struggle…that is what I am thinking about. Struggles and the way others perceive us. We view ourselves one way, others tend to view us another AND many times we seem to be perceived in a way we are trying desperately not to be.
I was once perceived in a negative light by someone very close. I laughed at an improper time. The laugh was a nervous laugh, I was with people I had never met, a close person was extremely sick and I laughed. This person that was there is very angry with me, years later because of an improper laugh. I am perceived as a non caring person, which I was not or am not. I can’t really MAKE someone see me differently than they WANT to see me. It took me years to even find out what my offense was….which makes it even harder to apologize or reconcile when you don’t really know what you did wrong.
Another person is angry with me for something that happened 15 years ago, I did not help that person in the way they wanted to be helped, so again I am perceived as un-caring. As I go along in life, I am finding that sometimes people want to be mad and no matter what you do, they will find you offensive – even when you are not trying to be.
When I try to give my side of the argument….I am not heard. These people don’t believe me, don’t accept my struggle whatever. It hurts a WHOLE lot. Through the years, I have had to let go and move on. I could not keep beating myself up because I could not live up to what they wanted me to be.
Often times, when I talk to people, I am perceived as a caring and compassionate person. It gets hard to discern the real me and the person others see. I have a friend who is struggling to help her mother. Her mother is in a different state, she has very little money to travel back and care for her mother and now her family is calling her names.
For me, I find Jesus to be such a healing presence in my life. For the first time in my life, I feel like I matter, my intentions are not rejected. That feels wonderful. I am loved by Jesus, warts and all. Because Jesus loves me…..I am able to move on, to let go, to reach out and to love, even if my love is rejected.
Jesus is also giving me an identity. I love that too. He knows my intentions and He does not reject me. Again, this is wonderful. I find that I am able to let go, to move on and Jesus gives me a reason to go on day to day.
If we are honest….we all have done some not nice things in our lives. Jesus reminds me often that yes, I have had my moments, but that now I am made new in Him. That has been a journey I have started, to realize that I am a new creation in Christ. The new creation thing is wonderful. I don’t have to be what I used to be. I am able to “face” the day now, even though I’ve done stupid things in my life. Jesus often reminds me that He loves me. Again in love, I am able to move forward and not stay stuck some place. I now begin to see “me” through Jesus’ eyes. What do I see? I see that I am loveable. I am precious, that I have work to do AND Jesus accepts my abilities. That is so wonderful to me.
I am able to “face” the day, each day now. If someone doesn’t like me – I don’t have to give into despair. Jesus takes me, my abilities and uses them. I love having a purpose in life. I love having “work” to do. Does Jesus have to correct me – yes, still His corrections aren’t awful and I find I can move forward.
It seems to me that even though, people are rejecting me, I still have work to do. I have friends in Celebrate Recovery who accept my walk that I’ve had. My niece lets me “talk” to her about things. She even calls me up and seeks my advice – that feels wonderful. Not everyone sees me as a loser – that is amazing to me.
God has given me some prayers…He helps me pray for what I need to deal with in life. In this particular prayer, I ask God to teach me to love those whom I find difficult to love. I may be rejected, find their actions hard to deal with or just find them distasteful. When I ask Jesus to help me love those I find unlovable, I am amazed that I begin to see these people in a different light. Sometimes I need to let go of a relationship; sometimes I need to accept strange to me behavior, all I know is that I begin to accept these people where they are at. That is wonderful. Doing this allows me to not stay stuck in hurt, despair or anger. It allows me to accept them as God accepts me – right where they are at.
I also learn again to “let go, let God. I am so thankful that God loves me warts and all. He teaches me to love others “warts and all.” He then teaches me to move on in acceptance and I find that I don’t dwell on not being wanted, perceived the way I wanted or intended to be. It is so freeing.
I need to ask…..Is there someone in your life you need to forgive, to accept? Is it time to ask God for help?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, February 26, 2010
February 27, 2009
Greetings My Friend,
Two of my nieces are blogging about their weight loss progress and their “emotional” struggles. I have enjoyed the journey they are on and I have “felt” right along with them because of their “words.” I have also begun to accept myself with extra weight on me.
I have been a “tiny” person for a major portion of my life. In the last 10 years my weight has gone up and down several times. Some of it is my age, still, I think of myself as a little woman. I am not anymore. We had our picture taken a while back and I can’t believe how much more face I have. People tell me I look good, part of me don’t believe it.
As they journal, I learn ways to eat that is healthier. I understand more about “emotional” eating too. Even more, I learn to look at the heart. I have been on a journey look at the heart. When Junior retired, he retired before he wanted to. He struggled with “who” he was going to be in retirement. Junior got into some strange to me behavior for a couple of years. There was the famous “curb side shopping, “he watched our grandson for a while and he was a little wild with him. Junior also got into lawn art which prompted a neighbor to send us a letter requesting that he not do that.
As I struggled with Junior’s new behaviors, I went to prayer. I asked God to “open my eyes to his heart.” I knew from past experience that if I began to lose respect, to find fault in his behavior, then I would not see the good in my husband. I would begin to not like him, want to be near him. I did not want to go down that road again.
To be honest it took me a while to hear what God was trying to teach me. I finally did hear and I am so grateful for what I saw. My husband has a very generous heart. That is what I fell in love with. He raised his daughter from the age of 13. Junior was well loved in Single Point. The more I looked at Junior’s heart, the more I saw the man I fell in love with. I found myself accepting his strange to me behaviors.
I also struggled with Junior’s blunt ways. He has an opinion And he is not afraid to share it. As a woman, I wanted to “fix” that in him. My past also played into this. When people were strong in their opinions I often saw a fight happen. I was afraid. God has been helping with this as well. When we moved to Virginia, we started going to a Chiropractor. Junior went for a few sessions before I started going. He tests them out and when he finds if he likes them, I start going. When I first met our new Chiropractor, I right off said, “Junior has an opinion and he isn’t afraid to give it.” The Chiropractor laughed, he agreed. Then he said he really liked Junior’s upfront attitude. I could tell that this man liked my husband. This helped me a whole lot. Even though we have been married for almost 12 years, I am still growing. I continue to learn to trust my husband. The Chiropractor’s comments helped me to see that Junior’s strong thoughts aren’t said in a mean way. People accept them and aren’t offended either.
I am also learning that if someone is offended, that person may be “convicted” by what Junior is saying. Even though, I try hard not to be offensive, I sometimes offend people. As life goes on for me, I find that people may have a struggle and my words are convicting them. There isn’t much I can do if someone wants to “hear” my words in a negative way. To be honest, my goal is to “hear” God. If I am “hearing” God, then my conscience is clear.
Another verse I enjoy is Philippians 4:8 “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
For me, that is my goal, to look for the good, the worthy, honorable etc in a person. If I am doing that, then if my words are convicting someone….well…..
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Two of my nieces are blogging about their weight loss progress and their “emotional” struggles. I have enjoyed the journey they are on and I have “felt” right along with them because of their “words.” I have also begun to accept myself with extra weight on me.
I have been a “tiny” person for a major portion of my life. In the last 10 years my weight has gone up and down several times. Some of it is my age, still, I think of myself as a little woman. I am not anymore. We had our picture taken a while back and I can’t believe how much more face I have. People tell me I look good, part of me don’t believe it.
As they journal, I learn ways to eat that is healthier. I understand more about “emotional” eating too. Even more, I learn to look at the heart. I have been on a journey look at the heart. When Junior retired, he retired before he wanted to. He struggled with “who” he was going to be in retirement. Junior got into some strange to me behavior for a couple of years. There was the famous “curb side shopping, “he watched our grandson for a while and he was a little wild with him. Junior also got into lawn art which prompted a neighbor to send us a letter requesting that he not do that.
As I struggled with Junior’s new behaviors, I went to prayer. I asked God to “open my eyes to his heart.” I knew from past experience that if I began to lose respect, to find fault in his behavior, then I would not see the good in my husband. I would begin to not like him, want to be near him. I did not want to go down that road again.
To be honest it took me a while to hear what God was trying to teach me. I finally did hear and I am so grateful for what I saw. My husband has a very generous heart. That is what I fell in love with. He raised his daughter from the age of 13. Junior was well loved in Single Point. The more I looked at Junior’s heart, the more I saw the man I fell in love with. I found myself accepting his strange to me behaviors.
I also struggled with Junior’s blunt ways. He has an opinion And he is not afraid to share it. As a woman, I wanted to “fix” that in him. My past also played into this. When people were strong in their opinions I often saw a fight happen. I was afraid. God has been helping with this as well. When we moved to Virginia, we started going to a Chiropractor. Junior went for a few sessions before I started going. He tests them out and when he finds if he likes them, I start going. When I first met our new Chiropractor, I right off said, “Junior has an opinion and he isn’t afraid to give it.” The Chiropractor laughed, he agreed. Then he said he really liked Junior’s upfront attitude. I could tell that this man liked my husband. This helped me a whole lot. Even though we have been married for almost 12 years, I am still growing. I continue to learn to trust my husband. The Chiropractor’s comments helped me to see that Junior’s strong thoughts aren’t said in a mean way. People accept them and aren’t offended either.
I am also learning that if someone is offended, that person may be “convicted” by what Junior is saying. Even though, I try hard not to be offensive, I sometimes offend people. As life goes on for me, I find that people may have a struggle and my words are convicting them. There isn’t much I can do if someone wants to “hear” my words in a negative way. To be honest, my goal is to “hear” God. If I am “hearing” God, then my conscience is clear.
Another verse I enjoy is Philippians 4:8 “ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
For me, that is my goal, to look for the good, the worthy, honorable etc in a person. If I am doing that, then if my words are convicting someone….well…..
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, February 19, 2010
Feb 20, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
I have been pondering child rearing of past generations. For many years, I believed that this “modern” way was the right way. Lately, I have begun to question this thought. In Jesus’ day boys were taught “hands on.” They were not taught only in a class room – if at all. The teachers took them around with them and taught them as they walked along, so to speak. A Rabi also taught their disciples that way as well.
Girls of many, many generations were taught to clean, to cook, to sew etc. They worked alongside of their mother’s and learned how to do womanly things. Little girls were also taught to write notes, letters as well. These little notes connected people too. Thank you notes were a way of remembering a kindness and acknowledging it.
For a long time our country was an agricultural country. Every hand was needed to help farm the land, to make the clothes, to chop wood and even make butter, food. The children were a valuable resource and they grew up knowing how to be a parent, how to work etc.
I also don’t think we should go back to child labor like there was in the early 1900’s either. My Grandmother quit school in the 6th grade. She wanted to work in the school cafeteria and earn some money. Her Dad let her because she was a girl and a man was going to take care of her. I don’t think children should work in sweat shops at tender young ages as well.
I was on a mission trip to Nicaragua a few years ago. We were working in an orphanage and I was helping in the kitchen. The older girls often came in and helped us. I did not know how to fry food well and the young girls helped me to know when the food was done. We also were putting up buildings and the older men encouraged the young children to help them build alongside them by doing simple tasks they could handle.
I do believe that we need to train our children to grow into responsible adults. The next struggle I have is that children of today aren’t “mature” until they are 30. I’m sorry, but I think by 30 a “child” should be able to support themselves, lead their own lives – for the most part. Of course there are exceptions, like mentally challenged or handicapped children.
I have gone to a few weddings of young people throughout the years. I have gone to showers etc. I do not get thank you notes much anymore. To be honest, I’ve come to not expect one. Still, I think that people took the time out of their busy lives to buy a gift, give money etc. They came to the event and then no “thank you.” It seems like people expect you to be there, to give etc and you should be happy to be there and that’s that.
By saying thank you, I believe it teaches our children some valuable lessons. It teaches them to think outside of themselves. Thinking outside of ourselves is a great lesson. This takes me back to my new goal – Agape love.
When I am attempting Agape love, I am not making “me” the center of my universe – which I am not. When I Agape love someone, I am seeking their “highest” good. When I don’t make life all about “me” I find that I have more peace in my heart. When I can give to another person I find that is a precious gift to me AND to that person.
Again, Agape love does not mean giving a person everything they may want, just because they want it. It does mean seeking their highest good – and sometimes “no” is a great answer, just as God does not give us everything we want.
Maybe one way to start helping your child would be to encourage them to send “thank you notes” for gifts, kindness’ done to them. Another would be to encourage them to “help” others, such as rake leaves, shovel snow or bake cookies for the elderly, the sick people in their lives. At home, it might be that the child learns how to make their bed each day, learn how to cook a meal, help do laundry or even learn to pack their own lunch. You know, writing a child’s grandparents, special people in their lives would also teach them many things, better writing skills, to connect with a grandparent, that type of thing.
Through the years, I’ve also learned that children watch their parents and emulate them. That “doing” is really what teaches them the most. All the words in the world don’t do nearly as much as setting an example.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I have been pondering child rearing of past generations. For many years, I believed that this “modern” way was the right way. Lately, I have begun to question this thought. In Jesus’ day boys were taught “hands on.” They were not taught only in a class room – if at all. The teachers took them around with them and taught them as they walked along, so to speak. A Rabi also taught their disciples that way as well.
Girls of many, many generations were taught to clean, to cook, to sew etc. They worked alongside of their mother’s and learned how to do womanly things. Little girls were also taught to write notes, letters as well. These little notes connected people too. Thank you notes were a way of remembering a kindness and acknowledging it.
For a long time our country was an agricultural country. Every hand was needed to help farm the land, to make the clothes, to chop wood and even make butter, food. The children were a valuable resource and they grew up knowing how to be a parent, how to work etc.
I also don’t think we should go back to child labor like there was in the early 1900’s either. My Grandmother quit school in the 6th grade. She wanted to work in the school cafeteria and earn some money. Her Dad let her because she was a girl and a man was going to take care of her. I don’t think children should work in sweat shops at tender young ages as well.
I was on a mission trip to Nicaragua a few years ago. We were working in an orphanage and I was helping in the kitchen. The older girls often came in and helped us. I did not know how to fry food well and the young girls helped me to know when the food was done. We also were putting up buildings and the older men encouraged the young children to help them build alongside them by doing simple tasks they could handle.
I do believe that we need to train our children to grow into responsible adults. The next struggle I have is that children of today aren’t “mature” until they are 30. I’m sorry, but I think by 30 a “child” should be able to support themselves, lead their own lives – for the most part. Of course there are exceptions, like mentally challenged or handicapped children.
I have gone to a few weddings of young people throughout the years. I have gone to showers etc. I do not get thank you notes much anymore. To be honest, I’ve come to not expect one. Still, I think that people took the time out of their busy lives to buy a gift, give money etc. They came to the event and then no “thank you.” It seems like people expect you to be there, to give etc and you should be happy to be there and that’s that.
By saying thank you, I believe it teaches our children some valuable lessons. It teaches them to think outside of themselves. Thinking outside of ourselves is a great lesson. This takes me back to my new goal – Agape love.
When I am attempting Agape love, I am not making “me” the center of my universe – which I am not. When I Agape love someone, I am seeking their “highest” good. When I don’t make life all about “me” I find that I have more peace in my heart. When I can give to another person I find that is a precious gift to me AND to that person.
Again, Agape love does not mean giving a person everything they may want, just because they want it. It does mean seeking their highest good – and sometimes “no” is a great answer, just as God does not give us everything we want.
Maybe one way to start helping your child would be to encourage them to send “thank you notes” for gifts, kindness’ done to them. Another would be to encourage them to “help” others, such as rake leaves, shovel snow or bake cookies for the elderly, the sick people in their lives. At home, it might be that the child learns how to make their bed each day, learn how to cook a meal, help do laundry or even learn to pack their own lunch. You know, writing a child’s grandparents, special people in their lives would also teach them many things, better writing skills, to connect with a grandparent, that type of thing.
Through the years, I’ve also learned that children watch their parents and emulate them. That “doing” is really what teaches them the most. All the words in the world don’t do nearly as much as setting an example.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, February 12, 2010
February 13, 2009
Greetings My Friend,
Ok, I’ve been pondering this for a while now and I need to explore it “out loud.” Most people know that Jesus is important to me, that I am attempting to follow Him etc. Recently I had someone who does not read their Bible or go to church talk to me about “sin,” in my life. Do I sin? Yes I do. I am born of Adam and so I entered this world with sin and I have sinned throughout my life. As much as I try to walk away from sin, there are moments still where I will sin. As I have journeyed along with the Lord, the Holy Spirit helps me to see changes that I need to make and I attempt to change.
In life, we tend to listen to people “in the know.” For instance we tend to do what our doctor suggests because they have studied and know what is best for our health. A lawyer has knowledge of the law and will guide us as well. We don’t … not listen, we believe that the extra education makes them knowledgeable and that knowledge helps us at times. People who don’t go to church, don’t read their Bible often feel they can be “religious” and speak to me/other Christians who practice their faith as “one in the know.”
When I ask God to forgive me…He is faithful and just – He will forgive me. God also teaches me if I want to be forgiven, then I must forgive as well. For years I had so much pain, bitterness and anger in my heart. I could relive a pain that happened to me for years on end. I could see each detail play itself out in my mind’s eye. This really kept me in a constant state of hurt. I was a “victim” over and over again.
As I began praying, I started to ask God to forgive me. I learned even to “name” the sin such as “Lord help me to walk away from pride, impatience, intolerance, lust, greed, envy etc. I also realized that there were people in my life I needed to have a better attitude toward, to forgive, to accept their strange to “me” ways. I asked God to help me there as well.
Another struggle I have is about judging people. You know “judge not least you will be judged.” It seems that people think Christians can’t make a judgment type of thought. It isn’t right to judge because we think “we” are better than someone else. Still we know people by the “fruit in their lives” which means you have to make a decision – a judgment. To me people who are living, breathing, and over all trying to seek another’s highest good – are bearing fruit. It is going to happen. If you don’t see “fruit” then it makes me wonder and question a person’s faith journey.
This leads me to one more thought. Voting….for me, I vote for people who tend to agree that abortion is wrong, that believe marriage is “one man and one woman” etc. I don’t go by what their words say – I go to their voting record and then I vote accordingly. I have had people tell me that I can’t do that. Personally, I want someone to lead me who has good values, good morals etc. Do good people fall – of course they do. Still, I am searching – striving for God’s way.
As I close, I have a question….is there someone you need to forgive? Is it time to “let go, let God?” You know that forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving….did you know that? When we forgive others in our hearts, we free ourselves from a burden.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Ok, I’ve been pondering this for a while now and I need to explore it “out loud.” Most people know that Jesus is important to me, that I am attempting to follow Him etc. Recently I had someone who does not read their Bible or go to church talk to me about “sin,” in my life. Do I sin? Yes I do. I am born of Adam and so I entered this world with sin and I have sinned throughout my life. As much as I try to walk away from sin, there are moments still where I will sin. As I have journeyed along with the Lord, the Holy Spirit helps me to see changes that I need to make and I attempt to change.
In life, we tend to listen to people “in the know.” For instance we tend to do what our doctor suggests because they have studied and know what is best for our health. A lawyer has knowledge of the law and will guide us as well. We don’t … not listen, we believe that the extra education makes them knowledgeable and that knowledge helps us at times. People who don’t go to church, don’t read their Bible often feel they can be “religious” and speak to me/other Christians who practice their faith as “one in the know.”
When I ask God to forgive me…He is faithful and just – He will forgive me. God also teaches me if I want to be forgiven, then I must forgive as well. For years I had so much pain, bitterness and anger in my heart. I could relive a pain that happened to me for years on end. I could see each detail play itself out in my mind’s eye. This really kept me in a constant state of hurt. I was a “victim” over and over again.
As I began praying, I started to ask God to forgive me. I learned even to “name” the sin such as “Lord help me to walk away from pride, impatience, intolerance, lust, greed, envy etc. I also realized that there were people in my life I needed to have a better attitude toward, to forgive, to accept their strange to “me” ways. I asked God to help me there as well.
Another struggle I have is about judging people. You know “judge not least you will be judged.” It seems that people think Christians can’t make a judgment type of thought. It isn’t right to judge because we think “we” are better than someone else. Still we know people by the “fruit in their lives” which means you have to make a decision – a judgment. To me people who are living, breathing, and over all trying to seek another’s highest good – are bearing fruit. It is going to happen. If you don’t see “fruit” then it makes me wonder and question a person’s faith journey.
This leads me to one more thought. Voting….for me, I vote for people who tend to agree that abortion is wrong, that believe marriage is “one man and one woman” etc. I don’t go by what their words say – I go to their voting record and then I vote accordingly. I have had people tell me that I can’t do that. Personally, I want someone to lead me who has good values, good morals etc. Do good people fall – of course they do. Still, I am searching – striving for God’s way.
As I close, I have a question….is there someone you need to forgive? Is it time to “let go, let God?” You know that forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving….did you know that? When we forgive others in our hearts, we free ourselves from a burden.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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