April 18, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

One of my favorite Christian songs is a prayer song, “Oh the Lord is good to me and so I thank the Lord for giving me the things I need, the sun and the rain and the apple seed. The Lord is good to me.”

One of my favorite stories is about making soup. A very poor man had no food. He built a fire and put a pot of water with some stones in the pot on the fire. As he sat watching the pot people began to come over to him and ask him what he was doing. “Making stone soup,” was his reply. Someone went home and brought out some vegetables to put into the pot. Another person brought meat to put into the soup. Another brought seasonings and soon there was soup for everyone to eat.

As a child we had so very little. I found myself wanting many things. As I grew up, I believed that owing things, pretty clothes would make me happy. For a long time I thought that living in the “right” city, with the “right” house would make me happy. To be honest, “stuff” did not really make me happy. I also thought that being married and having children would make me happy.

I was not very happy in my first marriage. I did not always know what happiness or contentment looked like. I felt like I was always searching and I could not tell you what I was searching for. I was constantly in and out of counseling, searching. I knew I was not happy and I had so much emotional pain. After my divorce, I started really praying and talking to God. The more I talked to God, I found myself making “new” decisions. My new decisions were leading me down another path. After I married Junior, I started reading the Bible. Again, I found myself making different choices. As the years have gone by, I have started to find peace.

My children are not “proud” of me. I always wanted them to “love” me, be proud of me. At one point I had what I call an instant message from God. God told me that I needed to quit worshiping my children. Well, that one hurt. I always wanted to be a mother. I always thought that my children would revere me. They don’t. Through the years, I have begun to love my children differently. I have let go in many ways.

In the mean time, God has also given me many opportunities to love children. At work there was a special young lady. My niece, her husband and children is another. Once a week I volunteer to watch little ones while their mom’s learn English. My life is not the way I had imagined it to be. Still, I find life so much sweeter when I allow God to lead me.

The older I get, the more I realize, that it isn’t what I own that makes me happy. I am happiest when I figure out how to love God, others, serve others and be thankful. As with Paul, I have had plenty and I have been in need. I have found that I am the happiest when I am able to live outside myself. That being said, I’ve also learned that sometimes the most loving act may be the word “no.” It may mean that I may not make some people happy. At this point, I find that talking to God often brings me the confidence or comfort I need to handle this situation.

As we face these uncertain economic times, I pray that you trust God and allow Him to be all that you need.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

Philippians 4:11 – 13

I am not saying because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

2nd try.

Greetings My Friend,

I recently had a fight with a loved one. It wasn't pretty lots of nasty words went back and forth between us. We seem to go into a tailspin more often lately. I hung up confused and upset.

I went to prayer. I struggled to stay focused on the problem. I found myself reliving the scene over and over. As I started to re-focus I saw a picture. Sometimes God shows me pictures. I saw the wooden cross where Jesus was crucified. Generally I see Jesus hanging on the cross. This time I did not. What I saw was a blood soaked, blood stained cross.

"Lord?" I asked. "Why the blood on the Cross?" God showed me the blood soaking into the cross and seemed to be pointing out that my hurt, my sin was being soaked into the cross. God was telling me that He heard my cry. It seemed that God was also telling me that He loved me.

Again, I found myself walking through the last moments of Jesus' life. Again, I found that Jesus truly knows the hurt I was feeling. This time, I felt that God was trying to comfort me. Still I found myself struggling, reliving the words we had said.

I was trying hard to "Let go, Let God." For several days I struggled. Prayer time found me reliving the situation. Finally, I decided that I would pray out lound. When I prayed out loud, I found comfort. I was able to let go.

When I was going through counseling, I found that I often struggled to put the hurts behind me. I relived the pain over and over. Ray, my counselor taught me one time that deep wounds heal from the inside to the outside. That was a wonderful lesson for me. I found that many times I thought I had settled a situation only to have it come back again. Ray was teaching me that the wounds in my heart tend to heal slowly. It may take many tries before I can release it fully.

The picture of the blood soaked cross seemed to teach me that my pain is heard by God. God wanted to absorb my pain. Sometimes though, the pain takes time to heal, like deep wounds in the flesh do.

Each time I saw the picture in my mind's eye I found myself letting go a little more. I found a gentle peace coming into my soul. God also started putting people in my path to help me as well. My long time friend helped me to see where I got lost. Another friend just listened as I tried to make sense of the siuation.

Once more, I learned that forgiveness is a process. It is not always done in an instant. God only asks that I try. In trying, He helps me put the struggle to rest. As I put the struggle to rest, I find that I can truly move on.

Sunday is Easter. I pray that you meet Jesus, that you let Him be the Lord of your life. I have found that Jesus loves each one of us - as if we were the only one in the whole world. To me it is wonderful knowing that I am special, a precious one of a kind of woman. When I mess up, it is such comfort to know that if I confess, then Jesus will forgive me, give me the strength I need to face whatever situation I am in.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet

Luke 23:34
Jesus said, "Forgive them Father! They don't know what they are doing."

Matthew 6:14-15
"If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.

Easter Sunday 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I recently had a fight with a loved one. It wasn't pretty. Lots of nasty words went back and forth between us. We seem to go into a tailspin more often lately. I hung up confused and upset.

I went to prayer. I struggled to stay focused on the problem. I found myself reliving the scene over and over. As I started to re-focus I saw a picture. Sometimes God shows me pictures. I saw the wooden cross where Jesus was crucified. Generally I see Jesus hanging on the cross. This time I did not. What I saw wasd" a blood soaked, blood stained cross.

"Lord" "Why the blood on the cross" God showed me the blood soaking in and seemed to , pointing out that my hurt, my sin was being soaked into the cross. God was telling me that He heard my cry. It seemed that God was also telling me that He loved me.

April 4, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

The church where my parents attended before moving to Colorado was the church that looked after us when we came back to Michigan. Dad had polio and we were in desperate need. The charitable organizations back then would not help a family out if they had lived in the state for six months. It was our church who came to help us.

Through the years this church provided for many of our day to day needs. They got Dad a back brace and he taught himself to walk again. They provided food and clothes as well. My Mom found a job at a local hospital. Actually, Mom filled in for Grandma when she needed to have her gall bladder removed. From there Mom bid on different jobs and moved herself up in the hospital business. At one point, my parents wanted to be in their own home. The church came through again. This time they helped my parents to get a mortgage. It was amazing, because at that time, women could not get a mortgage. They got the mortgage in Dad's name, even though he was not working.

After we moved to our He did not make as much as Mom, but each dollar helped us stay afloat. Money was always a struggle for them. Dad was the one to pay the bills. Dad was the one home during the day. I remeber one day the phone rang. Dad told me to answer it. He stood very close to me smoking his cigarette, and blowing smoke in my face as I talked on the phone. He had told me to tell the person on the other end that he was not home. I was scared - very scared. Dad was very angry and the person on the other end of the phone was very mean. The person was a bill collector. Dad was late in paying the mortgage. I wound up with this job many times after that. Each time Dad would stand very close to me, anger pouring out of him. Each time the bill collector was very mean to me as I talked to him. The bill collector seemed to know that Dad was around.

I grew up. I married a man two weeks out of high school. he had graduated the year before me. I got a job working at the hospital where my mother worked. It was a good job for being right out of high school. I made decent money. My husband worked several jobs bouncing around from job to job. He handled the money - I liked that idea. He liked to write checks and didn't keep track of the check rigister. Many times there was no money in the checking account. One day at work, I received a phone call from a bill collector.

As I listend to the man on the other end of the line, I was once more the "scared little girl," of my past. I was transported right back to those days when Dad had made me talk to the bill collectors.When I got home that night I was an angry woman. We were living with friends at the time. We had been evictedf from our apartment due to paying out rent late. I ranted and raged. I tore up the check book. I told him that I never wanted anyone to ever call me at work again.

My husband and I settled down. We had children. We eventually bought a home together. When we bought the home, we went back to using a check book. I handled the checkbook. I sat many days balancing that check book. The first couple of years, we did have a few times where the mortgage company called. After that I never had to deal with bill collectors.

I was able to be home with our children when they were little for the most part. I did work part time and then quit when Mike needed to go to speech therapy. When he got into kindergarten, I again went back to work. As I re-entered the work force, it became difficult to handle the bills. We had two different checking accounts. I had a job at the bank and I got free checking. My husband felt that I spent too much time balancing the checkbooks and paying the bills.

My husband wanted what he wanted. I did not know how to finance all that he wanted. I got frustrated and I figured out what my income could support and gave him the rrest of the bills to handle. I paid the house note, the car payment and car insurance. He had to pay the rest. This worked well for the rest of our marriage.

As I entered marriage with Junior, I was well aware of my disdain for bill collectors, my anal attidude about money. I told Junior how I was. I told him that I never wanted a bill collector to call me. I also had a need to handle some of the bills. My ex-husband often told me when I was an at home mother, that he owned everything and I owned nothing. I had a need to be part of the bill paying, bread winning team.

Junior likes to spend money. It makes him happy. He also does not worry about bill collectors like I do. We both paid some of the bills for the first several years of our marriage. As I came to retirement, I found that I was ready to trust Junior. It is strange but it took me 10 years to feel safe and not need to help out. Junior knows my thoughts on money. He now handles our finances. I love not worrying. I also now hear Junior coming around to the way I think. That pleases me a whole lot. I still have moments where I want to panic. Now, I talk to God and often I feel safe.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

Proverbs 10:4
Being lazy will make you poor, but hard work will make you rich.

Proverbs 12:24
Hard work will give you power; being lazy will make you a slave.

March 21, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

When my son Mike was little, he had a lot of challenges. The first one was that he cried for hours on end, days on end. Finding the source of his discomfort was a challenge. When we visited friends and family, I often heard, “Oh no here they come”, because Mike would cry so much. I consistently reported Mike’s problems to the doctor. Mostly the doctor thought that I was babying Mike too much. One time though, the doctor looked inside Mike’s ears. His ear drum was inverted, he could not hear and he was having nasty ear aches, the kind that hurt a lot! Because of that situation, I found a need to tell people what I learned with Mike, in life in general.

I was at the gym working out in the pool a while back. I had a conversation that I reflect back on quite a bit. Actually at one point in my life, I remember buying into this lady’s thoughts. Anyway, the conversation turned toward life in general. I often tell people that I am in my second marriage. I did it wrong the first time, this time I asked God and He has placed me with a man I feel safe with.

I mentioned that my first marriage was for 24 years and it was abusive. There was lots of anger etc. I also mentioned that I had a rough childhood as well. I don’t tell these things to get pity. I truly want to help people. I want to offer hope. I have found the hope I have is not in the psychology classes, counseling sessions I went through. The hope I have is in Jesus Christ. When I divorced, I prayed a whole lot, more than I had ever done before in my life. I did not want to repeat the mistakes I had made the first time. As I prayed I started to find hope and healing.

This lady at the gym suggested that I would have been better off aborted, never being born because of all the pain of life. Instantly, I felt angry. I am glad I was born. I am glad I have seen the other side of abuse. I am glad that God loves me enough to make me whole and new. I see that my life has value. That in itself is a huge blessing. Now I try to reach out to the lost, lonely and hurting people. I was once lost, but now am found – found by Jesus.
I love bringing hope to people. I love bringing Jesus’ redeeming love to people. I count it pure joy. My daughter hasn’t really talked to me in 9-10 years. It hurts, a lot at times. I am sad for the hurt she feels whether it was caused by me or her Dad. God has helped me move from constant pain and despair. At work there was a young lady who allowed me to love her. I have a niece who allows me to love her. God brings me young women and I still get to be “mom.” So, I am grateful that I was never aborted. I am grateful to have found Jesus.

As I write this, I know some of you have had an abortion. Give it to God. He is the great healer and He can use you to help another person in pain – often what you have felt can now be used to help another.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet

Jeremiah 29:6
Marry and have children. Then let your children get married, so that they also may have children. You must increase in numbers and not decrease.

Jeremiah 29: 11-12
I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for. Then you will call to me, and I will answer you.

Psalm 139:13
You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb.

March 28, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I’m having one of those moments. I want to believe God and at the same time I feel some panic. Last year when I retired I felt the wise decision would be to retire in September. It made sense. In September, I would be able to collect my small pension. I would be able to buy health insurance through my employer. As Junior and I prayed though, we felt that June was when I was to retire. I could get Junior’s insurance. The only problem was that Junior needed to be retired for another 6 years for me to get insurance for the rest of my life. He has insurance through Tricare – due to his injury in Viet Nam he is considered retired from the military and has that insurance. He became disabled where he could not work anymore about 4 ½ years ago. He has to be 100% disabled for 10 years for me to get this insurance.
We retired me. We felt God’s hand on us. All summer we saw the stock market fall way, way low. My money was given to our Financial Planner and he has put the brunt of our money into cash. I’ve been thanking God a whole lot. It did not make sense to me and then as I watched the stock market fall, well I’ve been in awe of God’s wonderful provision.

Junior had surgery recently. He had some lumps for years. I asked him about them when we were dating – he had them for years prior to our dating. I didn’t think much about them. After the surgery, the surgeon asked me if Junior was in Viet Nam. Yes, he was. She said that more than likely the lumps were from Agent Orange. I felt a wave of panic. I told her that he has two more lumps on him, on his legs. Now I wanted all those lumps gone. I hated them. I was scared. She told me to have Junior bring them to her attention when he came for his follow up.

My heart started talking to God almost right away. “Lord, we asked if we could be married 50 years. Father, Junior helps me to know you, to trust you.” And so went my conversations with my Heavenly Father.
God reminded me that He is taking care of me. He showed me how he has protected our income. He showed me how he brought me to Junior in the first place and how I have been protected and watched after. He reminded me that He knows I need Junior’s health insurance. He kept bringing to my attention all the details of His care for me. Then He started showing me how He has taught Junior to take vitamin supplements, to exercise and how well Junior has done. He reminded me that Junior worked in a chemical factory for 38 years. “Okay, Lord” my heart responded.

I still want those lumps gone. I now hate them. At the same time, I feel a peace. God does know what I need, what we all need. He brought me to Junior when I was a lost and lonely woman. Junior has watched over me and has helped me know the love of Jesus. Junior taught me to pray in the middle of the night when I had nightmares - when I dreamt that my ex husband wanted to kill me. So, I trust God will provide. It may not be what I think I want – but God will provide. He always does.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know.

Micah 7
But I will watch for the Lord; I will wait confidently for God, who will save me. My God will hear me.

March 14, 2009

Exodus 20: 12
Respect your father and mother, so that you may live a long time in the land I am giving you.

Ephesians 4:29
Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.

Greetings My Friend,

As I write this, I am in a reflective thought process. I get this way at certain times. The anniversary of my divorce has come and gone. Mom and Dad’s, Grandma’s anniversary of their dying are on my mind as they come near. I have been thinking a lot about Irene – my mother-in-law’s passing. The first few years were painful when I thought about them. As the years pass though, I try to remember. I try to let their lives speak to me, so that I can somehow move forward – onward.

One of the greatest pleasure’s I have is when I wake up and I hear Junior’s movements about the house. I truly love hearing him, be him. I love listening to him put dishes in the cupboard from the dishwasher. I love the gentle ping of glass or the gentle bang of a pan. It is music to my ears. Sometimes I hear him talk to one of our cats in a gentle loving manner. Other times he may be getting washed up and I hear the water run in the bathroom. I never knew such gentleness growing up. It is wonderful to feel safe, to feel loved. Junior reflects Jesus’ love to me almost daily
Growing up was hard. Dad had polio. Mom had to be the main bread winner. Both were very angry people. Dad’s anger came out in violent ways. Mom’s anger was in biting and sarcastic words. They raised us the best they could, money was tight. Mom was up half the night. She often sewed clothes for us and then went to work. Later she went back to school, so that we might live a little better. Mom’s favorite saying really sums up her attitude, “When life gives you lemons – make lemonade.”

I have a lot of emotional pain. The anger that I grew up with impacted me greatly. Now that I am the “older generation,” I find that my parents did what they could with what they had. Since the fall of Adam and Eve no generation has “done” it right. Each should have, you fill in the blank. My kids have a lot of emotional pain from how they were raised. Unfortunately, since they hit 18, they have had to deal with the junk they grew up with – a lot of it not very pretty. Again I come back to the fall of Adam and Eve. We really can’t be perfect parents, people without allowing Jesus to enter our hearts and change us. I pray that you can forgive your parents. I pray that you ask God how to raise your children. That is the best way to handle life – the good and bad parts of life.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet