March 15 2016

March 12 2016 Greetings My Friend I steamed cleaned the bathroom and now I am resting. While I feel near tears I get myself together only to go back to wanting to cry. I read a status from an ataxian who is irritated that one moment she can sign her name and the next her brain and hand refuse to connect and a few minutes later she can sign her name again. I feel this situation with her. I cry in my heart the tears are tears of mourning, saying goodbye to another ability I had and now I don’t. This roller coaster of tears is starting to irritate me to no end. I am able to keep my frustration to myself and Junior does not even notice. I pick up my calendar and see when my next doctor appointment is which is a little over a week from now. Now that my cry is passing I reflect back that I just steamed the bathroom. The job is extremely hard for me to do but I refuse to give up yet. I am so winded when I finish. I have learned to balance myself holding onto the shower wall while I stand and to sit on the floor when I am cleaning the floor of the shower. I am learning to work holding onto something to maintain my balance these days. While I walk through the house I make sure I am an arms length from the wall or a study piece of furniture just in case I need an extra assist. Each step is to be a thought out movement now. On the phone with a friend I am telling her outloud from my thoughts about the times of my youth, my first marriage and the slaps, the head being slapped and the times I was chocked. I am angry and want to cry “it is not fair.” As quickly as I think or say this I know that I have forgiven and all this anger is of no use. The ones that did this to me aren’t aware of the damage they did. It is of no value to hold onto this anger. While I work my way back from anger and tears I see how I am a survivor and I do not have to stay stuck in the pain. I feel God smiling down at me. Today while I was walking past Junior I stopped for a moment and he had the biggest smile on his face. He was looking at me with deep love and respect. He knows I am struggling and he sees how I am working my way around. I feel Junior’s hug on my heart and that hug is mingled with God’s hug. The tears are starting to go away and stay away. I have a few more things I would like to get done before stopping for the day. Tomorrow is our Easter potluck and I want to make some peanut butter no bakes. I want to try to make a spinach dip for my vegetables. My plan is to stop after I do these 2 things and begin the wind down for night time. While I wind down watching TV tonight I plan on decoupaging the step stool for the fur babies to get up and down on the couch with. I would like to color and even if I am able to scrapbook my Bible journal. Lately I am learning that craft time for me is important and for some reason I relax deeper. It is during craft time I work through the loss I feel and I am starting to come to terms with my loss. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

March 12 2016

March 12 2016 Greetings My Friend I steamed cleaned the bathroom and now I am resting. While I feel near tears I get myself together only to go back to wanting to cry. I read a status from an ataxian who is irritated that one moment she can sign her name and the next her brain and hand refuse to connect and a few minutes later she can sign her name again. I feel this situation with her. I cry in my heart the tears are tears of mourning, saying goodbye to another ability I had and now I don’t. This roller coaster of tears is starting to irritate me to no end. I am able to keep my frustration to myself and Junior does not even notice. I pick up my calendar and see when my next doctor appointment is which is a little over a week from now. Now that my cry is passing I reflect back that I just steamed the bathroom. The job is extremely hard for me to do but I refuse to give up yet. I am so winded when I finish. I have learned to balance myself holding onto the shower wall while I stand and to sit on the floor when I am cleaning the floor of the shower. I am learning to work holding onto something to maintain my balance these days. While I walk through the house I make sure I am an arms length from the wall or a study piece of furniture just in case I need an extra assist. Each step is to be a thought out movement now. On the phone with a friend I am telling her outloud from my thoughts about the times of my youth, my first marriage and the slaps, the head being slapped and the times I was chocked. I am angry and want to cry “it is not fair.” As quickly as I think or say this I know that I have forgiven and all this anger is of no use. The ones that did this to me aren’t aware of the damage they did. It is of no value to hold onto this anger. While I work my way back from anger and tears I see how I am a survivor and I do not have to stay stuck in the pain. I feel God smiling down at me. Today while I was walking past Junior I stopped for a moment and he had the biggest smile on his face. He was looking at me with deep love and respect. He knows I am struggling and he sees how I am working my way around. I feel Junior’s hug on my heart and that hug is mingled with God’s hug. The tears are starting to go away and stay away. I have a few more things I would like to get done before stopping for the day. Tomorrow is our Easter potluck and I want to make some peanut butter no bakes. I want to try to make a spinach dip for my vegetables. My plan is to stop after I do these 2 things and begin the wind down for night time. While I wind down watching TV tonight I plan on decoupaging the step stool for the fur babies to get up and down on the couch with. I would like to color and even if I am able to scrapbook my Bible journal. Lately I am learning that craft time for me is important and for some reason I relax deeper. It is during craft time I work through the loss I feel and I am starting to come to terms with my loss. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

March 10 2016

March 10 2016 Greetings My Friend The first thing each morning drinking tea and reading the Word has gotten my study need on. I have missed this for a very long time but the fog I experienced in the morning made my thinking and processing very foggy. With my recent ability to process, leave the house earlier and function again I found it was time to wake up with the Word of God. My study sessions find me jotting notes as I read and I love the student in me growing deeper in my faith journey. 2 Chronicles is today’s reading and I find the phrase again “I am the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. God states again and again the lineage He wants me to follow and the true God He is. I find myself quoting this to myself almost daily and sometimes I share this phrase with others. I hear loud and clear that there is no other God but the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. While I am reading I see again that God is dismayed at the sacrifice of children. He is repulsed even. I admit that at one point I felt God would want me to do what I wanted to do in regards to my body and if a child was inconvenient well…. When Junior first started introducing the Bible to me he often pointed to Psalm 139 the part that states that God knit the child together in his mother’s womb. It did give me pause and I also found myself reminding myself that God thought I was so important to have watched over my being formed in my mother’s womb. For me I relate more to God’s disdain for destroying life to these child sacrifices. Many times the child was ripped from the mother’s womb or was born and later offered on an altar of fire to some other god. These illustrations struck me hard. It was here that I discovered that God is a God of the living and not a God of the dead. God does not want a life destroyed in general. Knowing that God finds me special even when man does not makes my will to live so strong. My will to live anymore is a will to live life to the fullest. I find that a life filled with loving, giving, serving and spreading the Gospel to be full and rich. It is my gift back to God. Junior has taught me there is a difference between killing and murder. I am able to absorb some of this concept and this discussion is for another time. Over all God is a God of the living. I understand that eternity is part of “the living” . With these thoughts my goal is to honor life my life, the one in much sin too. Jesus did not go the people who were right with God but to the lost, the lonely and the hurting. Many of those who met Jesus were changed and went on to live and spread God’s abundant grace. I would hate to shut the door of eternal life because someone did not match my standards of living. God also does not call me to be a rug walked all over in the name of being nice. I am able to make judgements from time to time. Some of the people will not allow God’s love and grace to rest upon them. I am allowed to move on when I see that some won’t accept what I am able to offer. There is always a point that I need to let go and let God, all I can do is love, give my story and once the seed has been planted it is then in God’s hands. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

March 8 2016

March 8 2016 Greetings My Friend I am thinking about what prospering is in God’s economy. I am reading both the OT and NT 2 Chronicles 32 and Acts 28. Hezekiah believed God and was delivered from Assyria making war with him. Later Hezekiah had great wealth. God did give the King much wealth but I see that the King prospered because he believed God. I find the same thing in the NT as I read Acts with Paul. Paul was able to go far and wide spreading the Gospel. God watched after Paul and got him out of some sticky situations. God also allowed Paul to deal with pain, like being stoned. Paul lived though when most people who were stoned did not. When Paul was in prison there were times the believers came and provided for his needs. Sometimes Paul was “delivered” out of jail by an angel. Paul kept his heart on God and attempted to do the work God wanted him to do. One time Paul prayed 3 times to be delivered from a “thorn in his flesh.” God did not take the thorn from Paul because God’s greatness was made known in Paul’s weakness. At times I wonder if God allowed the “thorn” to stay to remind Paul of his work for the Lord. I see that God does not completely heal me, He comforts me and gives me what I need. In my weakness I need to rely on God. I know without a doubt if I was completely healed I would be out and about doing things that would distract me from the work God wants me to do. By having little energy and dwindling agility I find myself staying at home more working on the things God wants me to work on. God provides me with a good income, with a home that is in need of a lot of work. Junior is doing what he loves and needs to do. There has been a few times this work has had us reaching out to others in our community for help. One young man had never held a job and now is working because Junior had him help. The helping gave the young man skills and small income and he found a job. Another young man needs help in supporting his family. He is getting on his feet again so we are able to heir him from time to time. The renovating has also taught us many things. I have learned to work again and the long process meant I was able to rethink what used to be normal. The rethinking helps me to learn new ways to do old things within my limitations. If we had moved into a home that was all settled I would have struggled to keep up with what I always had done. The rethinking process has allowed me to let go and move on with my life. I am able to concentrate on the here and now. Abraham believed and it was counted as righteous to him. I am finding that believing is a continual learning process not a one time belief. I see Abraham having to relearn his lessons and God’s patience with him. I think the most important thing I can do is believe God and then do, not sit and wait for the next hand out from God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

March 5 2016

March 5, 2016 Greetings My Friend As water reflects the face, so the heart reflects the person."(Prov 27:19) I saved this passage and I happened upon it again. Today we could also say as the mirror reflects the face. I am a woman and yes I am checking out my face, what I am wearing or how my hair looks all the time. These are important to me because I want to reflect a certain persona to the world so the mirror confirms what I am attempting to present. Heart messages usually mean to me something warm and fuzzy and in a roundabout way the physical image I present is what I want my heart to also present. I want to be perceived as a kind and loving person and a woman who honors God with all of her being. I came back to “that” thinking again. Back years ago now I had no problem attempting to be one way in public and another at home. I felt family would always accept me warts and all. Out in the world I was not always accepted so I worked hard at being pleasing. I had my priorities all wrong, I should have been concerned about what my family felt about me up to a point. God convicted me about this and then I worked hard at being the same where ever I was. Honestly this way of being is so much easier. Basically I was learning to look into the mirror of my heart and worked on presenting that image. At the end of the day I like this much more which is God’s way. Today I use the Bible as my mirror. I try to reflect all that I learn from God which means my heart is changing to please God first. God wants me to respect Him and myself so that means I keep a watch over my mouth, the way I dress and the way I treat others. The more I gaze on God’s face the more I find my heart is reflecting God’s heart. It is impossible to love God with all I have and not change. The more I attempt to look at the heart of God I learn to look at the heart of a person and I find I make different choices. At times I may meet a heart that appears to be needy and has no intention of growing. I now know that I love that heart for a season and then I need to let go. Sometimes I meet a heart that is in need and I see searching and seeking within that heart. When I reach out with the love of God I see that heart starting to transform. I may minister to that heart for only a season or a lifetime. God will direct both of our hearts as to the length of time our hearts are to mingle. The more I learn to look at the heart of a person the less I try to force my love and the more I am able to let go if God wants me to. I am coming to understand that all this heart work is done through the Holy Spirit. I am beginning to see Him more clearly these days. I am learning that the heart of God is the Holy Spirit reaching to us and back to God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

March 3 2016

March 3 2016 Greetings My Friend After retirement I found my brain needed time to wake up in order to function. Generally a cup of coffee helped me greatly along with a cruise through Facebook and a check in with my e-mail account and at that point I could begin my Bible study time. Recently I am finding that I need a nap after I do all the above so I have started my Bible study as I drink my tea (coffee these days is not agreeing with me). I start my tea and medications first so when I am done the caffeine has started kicking in and my brain is functioning. To be honest I am loving the study time first again these days. I write a journal as I study God’s Word. I used to read the Bible and then do a Bible Study book. For a long time these studies opened my eyes more fully. Finding the study books out here though are not as easy so I began searching to find a new way to study the Bible. Pinterest is where I found my current way to study. I use an online study of the Bible Crossway ESV which has me reading 4 different books each day. Right now one of the books I am reading is 2 Chronicles. While reading through a passage caught my eye and spoke to my heart. “But when he was strong, he grew proud to his destruction…..” I did not even finish reading the sentence when I found myself stopping to ponder these words. I thought right away of an old Bible study friend. Money was always a struggle for her. Her husband had a gambling problem and she finally divorced him. She wound up with some of his debt and she was struggling to pay it off and get on stable footing. Her sister felt that anyone who was in debt was not walking with the Lord because God blesses His people with financial security. This friend was struggling with her sister’s idea of God’s blessing only with financial security. For her God was at her side each time things got a bit too much for her to handle. She always had what she needed when she needed it. There was the time her car died and at the right time God provided her with a car at a price she could afford. I saw a woman who was struggling greatly and she kept up having conversations with God. She helped me to keep drawing close to God and not to rely on my own determination to get out of my own struggles. Learning to hang onto God as hard as I can has been my blessing too. I was learning to stop pulling myself up by my bootstraps and that the theory that “God helps those who help themselves” was not of God. I did learn God is a God of action not of no action. Trusting God, listening to God are important but you need to do what God tells you to do also. By doing things my own way I was refusing the blessings of God. When I let go and let God my life started to turn around. I am finding that I need to not feel better than someone else who’s struggle seems harder than mine. I keep learning to quit comparing with others and do the comparing with myself. When I keep this focus I keep the pride out of my walk with God more so. When pride does attempt to rear within me I often find God sending me a warning. I am learning to admit my sin and repent. At the end of the day I am learning that my pride is God. I have not gotten to where I am without God’s steady hand on me. My prayer is consistently “Lord keep me from pride.” This helps me keep my focus where it needs to be, on God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

March 1 2016

March 1 2016 Greetings My Friend I have always been a “word” person. I love to play with words using them in a way to discover their meaning. I love word pictures too in word pictures I learn to relate an event or a situation to a story that shows how I feel about something so another person understands. “Behold You delight in truth in the inward being and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart.” This statement in Psalm 51 helps me to move closer to God. I am learning that God’s truth filters to my heart when I allow myself to “listen” with my heart. Many times in literature the heart is the focus of a different way of relating to the world. Our mind absorbs many things but there are moments that only the heart can absorb the true intentions of others or even of ourselves. I continue to learn that God speaks to the “heart of the matter” which is a part within me so deep and hidden. He is searching that deep part in me to see if I am true to Him. In this world we may fool others with our words and our actions for a time anyway but God always sees us as we truly are. I grew up in a home where we were one way at home and then another way in public. I carried this trait into my own family life. I remember I had to constantly think about the way I wanted to present myself. This is one of the first things God challenged me on. He wanted me to be the same at home and out in the world. That was scary because I had built up walls to keep myself safe or so I thought. I remember praying and asking God to teach me to be the same at home and out the front door. As I was learning to present myself the same in all situations I was and found a freedom I had never known. I quit using foul language at home and it felt good because I tried not to use foul language when I was out with others. The more I understand that my heart is the “inmost part of my being” or “heart” I am learning that part of the “heart” is my spirit. It is here that I meet God and I find my true self. It is the heart that learns to walk with God. I am convicted by the Holy Spirit in the depth of my heart. My cleansing comes from the inside to the outside. I grasp what Jesus taught when He taught us to “clean the inside of the cup, not just the outside of the cup.” I can dress myself as a wholesome women with clothes. I can even speak kindly or reach out to help others but if I have not allowed my heart to desire these things then I am only putting on a show of being a Godly woman. I need to desire to want to be clean from the inside to the outside. The more I read my Bible and pray I find old things in life not as important or as fun as they once were. It used to be fun to gossip, to tell an off color joke or to take a piece of candy from a display and eat it. Now when I enter into those things I have a feeling very deep inside of me that makes them not feel so good. While writing the above paragraph I had a “quickening” in my heart (spirit). I can allow legalism to shut the door to reaching out for Jesus. I don’t desire to do these things anymore. I see many words I would rather not see or say now on Facebook. I can preach and fuss or I can read past the words and to the heart. When I accept a heart where the person is at I am touching another person as God touched me. Once I felt acceptable to God I started to desire to change. If I can love a person where they are at God will work on their heart as He did mine. I am learning that some people “act” like they want help. All I can do is reach out and if they don’t reach back there is nothing I can do so again I leave it to God and I move on. It is a lesson I am still learning with God directing me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Jane