October 15 2015

October 15 2015 Greetings My Friend I attempt to make a daily choice to follow God. One of the ways I have been able to stay focused is repetition. The consistent repeating helps me to stay focused and move forward. I am sure a lot of this is my ADHD tendencies. Through the years I have learned that people with ADHD tend to focus in on something to the point of driving others crazy. It seems they heard it once and that was enough about 15 times ago. For me though unless I keep repeating I will soon forget the path I chose to follow. Our re-married ministries taught us that we need to make a daily commitment to fall in love with our spouse. I believe this was the start of purposely repeating. For me as I entered into a deeper faith I chose to focus on the cross daily and in depth. In my prayers I attempted to follow Jesus during His final hours, His death and His resurrection. The more I was able to walk down that path the more I was able to understand God’s love for us. My first forays were tentative. I hated seeing Jesus’ suffering and wondered why God would allow this. At first I saw only the nails pounded into His flesh. That was awful enough but as time went on I saw more suffering. I began to see the ugliness of sin and the pain it causes God the Father. I saw His desire for us to choose His way not our own selfishness. I saw how cruel we as humans truly are. Later I started to focus in on Jesus before the soldiers came, before the beatings when He was in the garden praying. I heard again “If it be Your will, take this cup of suffering from me. Not my will but Your will.” Slowly I learned that God equips us to deal with all kinds of strife and fear. I hear Jesus pray not once but 3 times. I asked God “why?” Slowly I saw that I needed to understand that I am afraid. I learned that God equips me to deal with the fear. For Jesus God sent angels to comfort Him. At first I thought the word “comfort” did not tell me enough. As I kept going back to the angels comforting Jesus God opened my eyes to the fact that Jesus got up from those prayers and entered into the awfulness of crucifixion. He kept quiet, He encouraged us even in great pain and anguish. Slowly I started to see that God did not spare His Son such deep pain. God equipped Him though. As I prayed year in and year out I started to see where God was equipping me to move out of abuse and anger into forgiving and true loving. I did not know love true everlasting love until I felt God’s love for me. The more I felt God’s love the more I started to reach out with love for others, even those that are hard to love. When I felt beat up I found myself once more entering into God’s presence. Just as He taught me to name my sin I found God teaching me to lift up those I struggle to love. The more I lifted up a name the more I learned to let go of the hurt and let God deal with me and with them. I am ever grateful for the lesson of the cross even in its horror. It is at the cross I met God’s deep love for me for all of us. Today I may not go into detail in my prayer but I strive to thank Jesus for His life, death and resurrection. I see the awesome gift of salvation in one person Jesus. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 13 2015

October 13 2015 Greetings My Friend If you would have asked me how much I like fall a few years ago I would not have said I enjoy it. Recently I heard that fall and spring were someone’s favorite times of the year and I am starting to enjoy fall in a new way. For many years fall just reminded me of winter and winter meant cold harshness in my thinking. Living in Virginia is slowly changing my attitude about winter. We still get some heavy snow and deep cold but it is different down here. Most snows melt before the next snow fall and for the most part the extreme cold is at night. With the snow melting quickly I find the days of being house bound or driving in the snow to be tolerable. Being retired means I can choose to go out or not when the weather is distasteful and slowly I find myself enjoying fall as much as I do spring and summer. Even the heat of summer wears on me anymore although when it is too hot or humid I can sit indoors with the air conditioning like I do in winter’s bitterness with heat. Summer is green in our neck of the woods and I love the pretty flowers, birds and butterflies. That makes staying inside okay. For a while now I have felt that the rhythm of the seasons parallel life in general. I usually see new life each spring like I see a newborn. Everything is fresh and new and exciting, changing often with new things to do and explore. Summer is a fullness to life. I love the carefree days of summer. Summer is also a time to let go of restraints. I love picking up and going someplace or doing something with very little thought process to it. Summer eating of all of nature’s harvest is an unending delight to me. I also like wearing flip flops and no coats. It is like casting off the baggage of winter in my mind. My thoughts about fall have been a time to turn inside and begin a nesting of our home and of my life. As I think on this I believe I have had warm feelings about fall all along only I pushed forward to winter’s bleakness too quickly. Fall in my mind means the smells of home, soup cooking, cookies being baked and settling down and connecting with myself, with my family and others. As I ponder again I realize that fall has had many warm memories in my thoughts. Soon it will be Thanksgiving and sharing time with family or friends and this is always a pleasant thought to me. The leaves change and a beautiful array of color seems to unfold. Fall and winter of life reminds me that life is short. With the leaves falling I take stock of my life and the loss’ I have. I am older and both my parents are gone. I have lost a brother and even my Grandmother is gone. It seems to me I begin to learn to live life in a new way. Lately the lesson for me is to learn to get around in new ways. Some of the lessons take time to process and there is often sadness for the loss’ of life. In another way fall is quiet and allows me to readjust my thinking which opens the door to new ways, new friends. The reflection of fall is also good and pleasant. Winter takes me deeper into the reflective process. The white snow covered scenes bury the past things of life. The snow mulches the soil in preparation for spring’s new beauty. When spring arrives I have worked through winter’s long harsh cold and I once more enter back into life again. Each season seems to have its own job and if each season comes I can grow. God becomes more focal in my life and I am thankful for the process of the seasons. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Jane

October 10 2015

October 10 2015 Greetings My Friend Working back to a semblance of energy is such hard work. It took me a few weeks to admit that my body was indeed getting weaker and I had tried to get back to the normal I had come to know. A trip to the doctors and hospital ruled out heart problems. I was put on stronger medications for anxiety and a stronger inhaler. These medicines have been in my system for a week now and I have a sense of energy again. My shaky hands don’t seem to have settled much. My breathing with the stronger inhaler, that I am not sure. More than likely I will tell by how easily winded I become doing simple chores. I have come up with a new plan for my day and I will start working on it today. I also have accepted that my body may be changing, that I will need to work differently and doing sewing, crafts and such could be part of my work day and that is still work. God has shown me that for now He is not finished with me and that He still has plans for me for His glory. I feel wanted and needed and not a total burden. So I am moving forward again. In a sense I feel the “old me” coming out again. I sense too that this last battle won’t be the last and I will need to keep trusting God, even if my life is not going in the direction I thought it would. I am finally comfortable in my own skin emotionally and to some extent I am accepting of continuing decline within my body. My guess is each new phase may mean a reassessment of thinking but I will move through it easier. After I started using my walker in the house I am once more getting some work done. Junior is taking over a few of the things I used to do. Getting into the kitchen to make meals has been hard so he is helping me with that. I am using the vacuum instead of the broom and dustpan because it helps me stay balanced and I don’t need to bend or squat as much. I sit in my walker to do my hair, brush my teeth. It seems like such a small effort to stand and do these things but it is not anymore and that is okay. As I absorb the fact that using tools to help me move about I accept that I need them and with them I can do more. Since I like being physical using tools to help me stay active is okay too. Knowing that I am not alone helps me a ton. I see others dealing with major health issues and I find comfort that this struggle is not unique to me. I feel a community developing in my life of those whose bodies are in decline for different reasons but they understand my journey and its unique struggles. I find that my sense of confusion is to be expected. I am praying for others and others are also praying for me and I believe this is why I have to courage to look at my disabilities in the face and keep going. The more I learn to talk to God about anything and everything I find my purpose in life. Having a purpose keeps me going and trying and go some more. To me this purpose is my hope that God has given me. I feel He is telling me that it is not time to stop or give up yet. With this encouragement I shake off the dust and get up one more time. Without Jesus I am nothing with Him I live. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 8 2015

October 8 2015 Greetings My Friend As I write today is the day I bring my walker inside and use it as I move about. My theory is by using it I will gain some of my energy back and be able to do more and maybe need less nap time. It has been hard for me to face this need but I believe for now anyway this is what will give me the ability to be mobile longer. I have pushed off this moment in the hopes that efforts to get about on my own steam would come back, today I admit to myself I need the walker and this is my new normal. Somewhere deep inside me I know that I have tried the best I can and now it is time to admit I am entering into a new stage of Chiari Malformation. God has listened to my fears, my reasoning and I am at peace with the new direction my life is entering into. I have been on the new doses of medication for a few days and somewhere deep inside I hope to see myself on my own steam again if it happens great if not that is okay too. I learn some more where the brain stem is the control center for a whole host of day to day functioning and since mine is not where it belongs I will need to face the fact that my disability will change again. As I have started using my walker I find how handy it is. My purse does not need to be on my shoulder anymore because I can stash it in the seat pocket. I can hang my Bible book bag on one of the arms and carry a bottle of water in the side pocket. With the changing weather I can toss a jacket on the chair and put it on if I need it. The other day at a potluck I was able to get my own food and carry it on the chair all by myself. With my walking stick I was unsure of my shaking hand that I had Junior carry my plate for me and once more I am able to do it myself. These positive thoughts help me to enter into the new phase of my disability with hope in my soul. I know that my hope in Jesus is what sustains me so I look for the good and attempt to not focus on what once was. I get the creative task of learning to do old things in a new way again as well. I have felt the loss of what I was and now I look forward to enjoying life in a new way. Again I understand the importance of mourning. It is important to mourn the loss of life as I once knew it. I keep finding that in mourning I am able to let go and move forward. For me that relearning to do things in a new way seems to be a way of staying involved with my life and connecting with others. The saying that goes through my mind is “It ain’t over till it is over” points to the fact that I still have much to offer to life, to others and to God. If God is still using me I feel a completeness to who I am and why I am here. Instead of carrying Daisy in my arms she now rides on the seat of the walker. She is near and I find comfort. Junior is helping me do the things I can’t do until I figure out how to do them again and if I can’t I know he won’t mind continuing to pick up my slack. I am also learning how to take a few burdens off of Junior such as making phone calls. In the end we balance out again and I am grateful. God is my rock and my refuge. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 6 2015

October 6 2015 Greetings My Friend “Rather , speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who the head, into Christ.” I remember a summer I was an advisor for 6th grade camp at church. The lesson was “truth in love.” This message continues to stay with me and I find it to be one of the foundations I strive to live. Many times I hear “but I was telling the truth,” and I sense that this truth is to beat up on another in the name of truth. I heart it should be truth in love which means the same truth can be told without the need to prove your way is right or you are better. I don’t want to sugar coat life either but I am finding out that I can be as truthful as anyone else with gentleness thrown in. One of the best things that makes me want to change is when I know another person has struggled and I understand that change can happen for the better. I like it when they come alongside of me instead of lording the truth over me like a weapon. When I was in my abuse I often heard people say “I would never!” I felt like a fool because they would not but I was confused because I did not know how to make things different. I found I was able to change when I was encouraged. I developed a mouth at work and my co workers kept applauding my strong stance. Of course I was too abrasive to start with but as I absorbed how to tell others more of what I wanted or thought I learned to tame my brashness. I soon took this lesson home and started using it. I slowly learned that I did not have to tolerate things that was totally against who I was. My words were often very harsh and again over time I learned to be upfront not just abrasive. As I retired I joined Celebrate Recovery with a friend who was going through abuse. I thought I went to help her but along the way I realized I still needed help in dealing with my past. Our share groups allows each person to talk without any input. This was hard at first but as time went on I began to see the therapy in just saying the thoughts in my heart out loud. I started to see how I could begin to deal with problems because I named the struggle in a safe environment. I am a person who wants to fix things when I hear pain but CR taught me the need to put a face to the struggle that has been hidden deep inside. Inside this struggle is there in many ways and it is also hidden in other ways. By being allowed a few minutes to allow what was deep inside of me to come out I slowly learned to name my problem and it was at that point I could then find ways to deal with the hurt. I found a few friends who came alongside of me and together in private we held the deeper discussions on how to walk away from the deep hurt. The program at Celebrate Recovery was also a stepping stone to finding healthy ways to live. Repeating the 12 steps, learning a new lesson and then share time allowed me to feel safe and then begin the hard work of recovery. I saw that this method worked for all “hurts, habits and hangups.” The tenderness of truth helped me to stop and look before acting. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 3 2015

October 3 2015 Greetings My Friend The weakness and shortness of breath worried me enough so I made an appointment with my doctor to begin the process of checking things out. She was so concerned I was having heart problems and had me admitted to the hospital. The good news is my heart looks good the bad news I still don’t know what is wrong. My guess is I will go through more tests in the hopes of finding out what is causing my problems. The reality that my body was changing came on me slowly. The heat of summer and the humidity will take me rather low so I was not surprised when I felt weaker and was out of breath easier. As the heat of summer waned though I was still rather weak and winded and I found it hard to come back to my new normal. After questioning myself, attempting to keep pushing myself I decided I decided that I may be entering into a new phase of disability. I don’t want to go into a new dependence too soon so I was striving to push myself in the hopes I would build back up again and this has worked in the past but for some reason it wasn’t working now. I talked with my friend Debbie who opened the door to using my walker more. I told her my fear of using it more and the potential I have entered into this stage too soon. She gently gave me permission to use it and if I did not need it later then I could put it aside again. I used it instead of my walking stick the next day at church and for now anyway it will be how I get around outside of the house. I am not sure how I will operate in the house for now but I am feeling my way around so to speak. When I stand up from sitting I have to wait a few seconds to gain my balance before taking a step. I find myself reaching out to hold onto something from time to time to keep my balance and I find I am still able to move about without an aid. I am trying to stay on my own stamina for now but I am open to using my walker if need be to get around. I have reworked my working routine to the point I work in short segments for up to an hour in the morning, lay low all afternoon and attempt a few more chores in the evening. So far this is working out fine. Today Junior and I will head to Kingsport for a doctor appointment and to get me a new cell phone so I will see how I handle this day of running. My guess is if I am tired I will sit in the truck and rest/nap if I need to and go when I can. I am learning my new boundaries for the busy days we get. Until I went to the doctor’s I found myself worried, confused and scared. Once I made the appointment, spent 2 days in the hospital the worry part of this journey has settled and the discovery part seems to be filling in. When I had cancer I remember going through much the same process. My conversations with God has opened up and my questions seem to be “Lord teach me to have the right words for the doctor’s.” I sense an acceptance and now I am willing to move forward into what I need to do to function. In God’s peace I go forward. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

October 1 2015

October 1 2015 Greetings My Friend Fear has tried to consume me recently as I struggle to walk to be up and about and I find myself wore out easier. I begin to think on my possible new limitations and I am very afraid. In the midst of this fear though I see one small spark of hope so I start thinking on all the good things in my life. In short order the fear quiets down and I face the potential new challenges. I even find that this new struggle may be for a short time not a permanent situation. As I am walking through our home my eyes rest on the how it is decorated and arranged. I love what my eyes see. They see quiet calmness, familiar pieces and I absorb how Junior and I have blended not only furniture from our previous lives but we have blended into a comfortable couple. In my quiet thoughts Daisy barks and barks as Junior comes in. She is protecting me and when she hears Junior’s voice she quiets down. Her sense of smell isn’t what it once was and her hearing is bad making it hard for her to discern the safe from the unsafe so she protects me anyways. I go sit in my favorite chair and find familiar comfort to relax in. When I stand up I have to rebalance myself a prick of fear tries to toy with me. I wasn’t doing the rebalance act just a few weeks ago. It seems like God tells me almost immediately “It is a good thing you have been doing various exercises because you are able to overcome the moment and not fall.” This thought settles the fear that tries to override my thoughts. Junior and I have a comfortable retirement financially. I am thankful that we have not had to dip much into our retirement savings so we still have our nest egg for future problems. We have 2 good running vehicles and slowly I find the precious lesson I have been learning, I have my needs met and my wants won’t satisfy me as much as my needs will. I come back to my current thought of how much I am struggling lately to do simple things and I realize that things will change. I won’t be able to be or do what I once did and that is okay. I will find a fullness in life anyways. I will learn new ways to do things and I will marvel at how creative I can be. My will to overcome because of God’s strength takes the fear away. Right now I am focusing on myself more. I am not making the time to connect with some people because I can’t. I am not able to be a support network like I want to be. My thoughts focus on not being a burden and that means I need to figure out how to do old things in a new way. This process consumes me. I am grateful for Junior’s willingness to work through his disabilities. He shows me it can be done and life is still good. He shows me how to study the situation then implement a new way to do things and I am grateful for him. Dad even comes to mind as I understand more fully his struggles with polio at a time the man earned the living. Dad stayed home with us kids while Mom worked and he accepted this role reversal even though it was hard to accept. I can do this because “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet