July 13, 2013 Greetings My Friend, Those thoughts that want to take me down keep trying to pop into my head. They tell me I wasn’t the greatest mother, the best wife and the list goes on and on. I go to prayer talking to God about the pain in my soul. Soon I am out on the porch looking at trees, listening to birds sing and you know what? I figure out I did the best I could with what I knew at that time and I can’t be what I wasn’t because that is then and this is now and the past can’t be fixed. So I begin to move into the here and now. Junior is my best friend in this world. Jesus is my strength and comfort and life truly is alright. It isn’t what I envisioned it to be but it is a good life even though the “old” me did things wrong. I marvel again at Junior. He was such a not nice guy, a guy no one would want to run into on a dark corner. He met Jesus for the 2nd time as a young father and has turned his life around. He is a marvel to me. He does not live in the yesterday and he moves on with today. He accepts that was then and this is now and I keep learning to let go. As we walked this morning some of the past stuff came up. We both found each other at a time of healing and growth. We are not the dysfunctional people we once were. I always want to think we would have been able to overcome. Frankly if we were together back then we’d more than likely not be married at this time. I have him, he as me as we have grown in the Lord so we are thankful for this moment. We walk the country lane with our dogs. The greenery is astounding. Our chatter is friendly and life feels ever so wonderful. I get home, make us lunch, journal a bit and a blog thought comes to me so now I am blogging. Life is moving along. It is peaceful for the most part. It isn’t what I wanted but somehow in the Lord it is wonderful and I feel like I matter and I have work to do. That feels awesome. God wants me. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to be someone. No one has been impressed with me so now I find myself worth in the Lord. I know days on end without pain. I love to sit at home, on the porch, in the front room where ever and I enjoy each and every day. My ex seems to convince both family and friends that I was the problem in the marriage and I marvel that I truly don’t care. I know what went on. God knows what went on and frankly if he needs to have “man’s” approval go right ahead. I have God’s approval….love, direction and again life couldn’t be sweeter. The “ex” got my brother and sister in law, Mom, most of the friends we had and I have one friend from my life back then and frankly that is ok, finally. He seems to have the kids ear as well. If I hear one more time “Dad says” I’d like to scream. I don’t care what that man thinks, doesn’t anybody get that? Would I run like I did after the divorce, yes I would. I am sad that the kids blame me but they see things the way the see things so if I was the huge problem well I can’t make them change. All I know is I ran as hard in the opposite direction after the divorce. I knew he’d try to show me that he was the best thing in the world and frankly he was not. With Junior for the first time I have learned a man has no right to slug his woman. Junior’s comment to me when I worried about being hit in this relationship was if I annoyed him that much, I might get one slug but he’d walk out….he didn’t want to be with a woman that irritated him that much. From then on I have felt safe. Sometimes I get the impression people find Junior to be a little much. He has an opion and is not afraid to share it. He will tell you that if you don’t know Jesus then you are headed to hell. This boldness can be a turn off for a lot of people. I’ve met the guy on the inside…..Junior’s heart. It is amazing and wonderful and frankly I’m not going anywhere. This is the man who took me in and has taught me that men don’t have to pound on women. He is the one who has held me as my children have walked away. He is the one who laughs at my antics and finds me to be acceptable. After a lifetime of feeling un acceptable and un wanted…..Junior feels good all the way down inside of me. So if people find him repulsive, I can’t control their feelings. I know the guy, his heart and his love for Jesus. I’ll take Junior any day. God has had us move to VA. Here we are accepted even though we have strange ways. People tend to get Junior’s rough ways and even like him. So here we stay. He works on our house and it is amazing what he is creating. He was never taught to work on things and he teaches himself how to do things. Sometimes he pulls a project apart many times before it looks the way he wants it to look in the end though it is wonderful. We go for walks down our country lane with our dogs and peace floods our beings. We go to church and feel welcomed into this community. As I sit on the new deck where dogs aren’t allowed to be the cats come to me and remind me how important I am in their lives. The goal continues to be to learn to give God my all. My struggle of “isn’t that selfish” as I keep learning to give God everything changes to “I am amazed” as I learn how to give God more and more of myself. Have you learned to give God any part of you? Is it time to begin this journey? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 10, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am thinking once more about a church family. Today the teens are here helping Junior dig a trench. We will pay them what we can which will go towards them going to camp. It is a win win situation. They will do the back breaking work and Junior gets a much needed rest from some of the labor of renovating our home. I have joined a women’s Bible study and frankly my monthly get together with these women help me in my spiritual journey. Some of the women have been Christians decades longer than I have been. Some are new Christians and we tend to blend our experience together. We each learn from the other, help the other understand hard concepts. On occasion we have a potluck at church just to share a meal. Sometimes the youth will put on a dinner for the married people, the dating people within the church. It is another fund raiser for the kids to go to camp and the adults get to be a couple for a bit. As I ponder life I wonder how in the world people manage without a church home. When Dad and Mom were dying I found my church family stepping beside me. Sometimes I cried, sometimes people came by with words of encouragement. It is hard to say good-bye to people and a church family being close at hand helps with the whole process. Here in VA the church helps me as much as any church or more so. I miss having interaction with young people so I am able to talk with young women. I give them my knowledge and they seem to appreciate my view on life. Sometimes I call a friend just to chat. The friend may be a widow or have just had surgery and I am able to connect for a bit and bring them comfort. I haven’t gotten as involved with as much volunteering as I have done in the past. I can’t. I do love folding the church bulletins once a week. I help straighten the pews out and I find contentment. Each time I try to do more, I find myself not being able to be the helper I was in the past. So I reach out as I am able. God is teaching me to sit at home more. In the sitting I find myself writing down my thoughts and discoveries. I believe God is teaching me to be a writer and bringing an everyday message of my faith journey to others. I don’t know why but for the longest time I felt if I truly “got it” with my faith journey that I’d be blessed, get a lot of money and have nice things. I thought that I’d be popular as well. That was what I thought. Of course this is not why God wants us in a relationship with Him just so we can get things. Through the years I have learned that God is preparing me. Some of the stuff I learn now will be used in heaven some-how. I don’t know how but some way God will use what I am learning right now. I often find myself amazed at what I have overcome, learned etc. I am a survivor of abuse both childhood and adult abuse. I am able to offer hope to women who are struggling through abuse. Sometimes I offer hope to a young mother. Sometimes I am a friend to someone who is struggling. The strangest, wonderful lesson of late I seem to keep coming back to is that God wants ALL of me. I struggle giving ALL of me to God. I pray and God is helping me to let go of the strongholds in my life that are holding me back. The more I let go and let God be my all-consuming God the more I find peace within my being. I have always believed that God was real. I just did not figure out how to be in relationship with Him till my divorce. I was at the lowest I could get and I began talking to God as if He were right next to me. He is and as I learned to talk with God I learned for the first time that I am not alone. I hate being alone I really do. Knowing that God is beside me, guiding me comforts me to no end. I believe that because of my Dad and first husband that I got a wrong idea of God and His love. Both men were cruel and I had thought that all men were mean. There were times I was afraid even God would be hard to please like Dad and the first husband were. As I learned to talk to God one on one and listen for His direction I found out God is truly a caring loving God who wants my highest good. God sent Junior into my life to show a man’s desire to help a woman be all she can be. As I pray God teaches me to be what Junior needs and that my guy does not want me fussing all over him. I watch him a lot and as he hurts I have learned to back off leave him alone. At this point I ask rarely if he is hurting because Junior does not want to talk about his pain. I think for Junior he feels if he talks about his pain he is giving into the pain and can’t walk away. By dealing with it on his own in his mind I think Junior can strive to live as normally as he can. I have also found when Junior is driving me nuts that if I pray and ask God to open my eyes to him that I begin to see Junior with a new set of eyes. I am able to let Junior be Junior. I don’t try to make him into someone I want in my heart. He can’t even begin to imagine what I want so it is not fair to expect him to be what I dream of. For the longest time I worried about Junior’s tendency to hoard. I started taking that fear to the Lord. God has opened my eyes to Junior’s generous heart. He has made me realize that Junior loves me enough to not over fill our home with so much stuff we can’t move. God has also taught me to relax some of my standards as well. In the process we have blended two very different styles of living into a comfort level for each of us. Junior hates a spotless home. I hate a home where there are paths and if you go off the path you may be lost. I grew up with that. Junior’s mother was so clean that no one dared to leave behind a pile of anything. Junior also likes doing some sort of housework. He does the dishes, I can’t due to allergies. Junior’s likes vacuuming the floors. He loves doing laundry. I like clean sheets on the bed and keep up with that. I keep up with dusting and we both cook. It works. Since my older years are taking a toll on my energy level, Junior’s help’s me with some of the housework. It is nice to be honest. If Junior needs me to bring him something or go to town then I do that for him. Yup I like being Junior’s helpmate and frankly it feels good. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet

July 8, 2013 Greetings My Friend, This girl is about as happy as she can get. The porch/carport on the side of the house is done….and I’m in love with my quiet outdoor space. No dogs can visit since it is out of their reach. The cats come and go in quiet peace. The porch is on the high side so I see the trees, the forest all around. I see butterflies flit by and am in awe. I hear Junior hammering and on occasion he comes up the ladder and visits with me. Once in a while a car will drive by and our dogs think it is their duty to chase after the car. Peace surrounds my soul. I listen and then I listen some more. I feel the sun’s warmth and reveal in it. My thoughts run a mile a minute and I am in heaven. I can see me spending more and more time out here. No dogs to drag stuff onto the porch no dogs wanting to be petted and petted and then petted again. I love the cats wandering around, then they lie down and soak up the sun. I am living the dream that has tried to take stake through the years. I love the warm weather, the sounds of hammering, cats walking around quietly and birds singing their song to each other. The only bad thing is that the sun is so bright that I can’t see my computer screen…..so I am now indoors. I will be back outside in a bit. Junior has got my chair and will put it together in the next little while. Now I sit on temporary chairs. We will begin eating outside as well and again we won’t have furry friends helping us when we’d rather not. The umbrella kind of keeps the sun at bay but I can’t see the computer screen……but I sit and soak up the quiet peace. I go inside and put the sheets in the dryer and come back out to sit. I also can see me doing house work from the porch. I come in do some and then head back. My life is already plotting out my time on the porch and I am very excited. I love our wrap around porch but find it a pain at the same time. The dogs want me to love on them, they potty on the porch and frankly their piles aren’t pleasant to look at and smell. There is trash because the kids find stuff, bring it up and chew to their hearts content. This porch is mine all mine and no dog can visit unless I invite them. The cats have a hole to come and go as they please out to the porch and the cats are a quiet bit of love. As we settle more into our new life this girl falls deeper in love with her new home. I love the country quiet we live in. I love the trees that are on every side. I love seeing butterflies flit by and listening to birds talk in their sing song way. I love the summer warmth of the sun with and umbrella blocking out the bright sunshine. No one wants to come visit…..that is fine. I have this peace and it is awesome. I take a walk during the day and enjoy the beautiful scenes that are everywhere. I can’t do what I once did and frankly that is ok too. I have a beautiful quiet place to soak up life in. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t do and well life could not be sweeter. The more I sit out here the less I think on the old way of life. Gone is my fear of that man. Gone is the sadness that my kids don’t call. I sit here and love God and His majestic creation. Junior pops up on the ladder for a brief visit and I fall deeply in love with this man who made this dream come true. Underneath the porch is another carport. Junior hopes to set up his workshop instead of having it where the kids next door can see. I like that idea too. Then the porch area and the carport will be filled with less stuff and that makes me real happy. I can see us getting a fire pit to burn a few logs in. I can see me truly hanging out outside at night. I have strange fears about being outside after dark and this takes that fear away. Last night I missed turning the TV on to watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and came in to watch the news and then my night time TV programs and yup life is sweet. I like popping in to do a bit of housework and heading back outside. I do believe a new layer of cleaning and keeping house is about to take shape. I believe a new layer of keeping order is taking shape and I will not be embarrassed if someone stops by because the messiness of life will be under control for the most part. I won’t be fussy clean. Junior does not like it. Once more I know we are where we need to be in retirement. It is about as peaceful as it gets out here for Junior and I. I have a new writing spot and a third desk type area to write in. I love it. I can change my moods and write and I love it. I bought a pin wheel a couple of pretty porch decorations. Yup I am a girl and the first thing I want to do is decorate and I’ve done that. It isn’t a lot but it is a bit of color and personality and I love it. We continue to settle into this home. We fall in love over and over with this home. Once more I know for a fact that we are where God wants us to be and life is so sweet. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 6, 2013

July 6, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I read today’s Bible reading and found myself pondering. In the reading Jesus was being questioned rather intensely about His authority. Jesus replies to the effect that He is doing what God wants and if others don’t believe Him that is ok. As long as Jesus does what God wants that is all that matters I have been a person who is not taken real serious for a good portion of my life. As a child I learned that the sillier I was the less likely I was to get a beating. I used the same method in my previous marriage and it again worked. At times I play stupid. Again it was a way to save myself from getting a beating. Others needed to be better, brighter than me and I had a lot less pain if I let them be. I never tried to be better, smarter but that is how they took me. I play the dumb blond role a whole lot. At this point in my life it is more of a reflex reaction. Through the years Junior tends to enjoy my ability to think and do things. He even gets tired of my playing dumb. He accepts that is how I react but he’d rather I did not. I can’t change this quirk in my nature. It is what it is. As I read about Jesus I felt a need to prove myself rather him. I kept reading and I kept hearing Jesus state that God was all that mattered and if people did not believe Him that was too bad. That is how I heard it. Again I learned that not everyone is going to like, believe what I am or who I am. I kept mulling this thought around. As I hit my 60th birthday I am also finding that I don’t need the attention I strived for. I am comfortable with the person I am, in the Lord. Lately I take my self-doubt to God. I keep finding if God is happy that is all that matters. Yup I feel free finally and my whole goal in life these days is to be and do what God wants me to be. I tend to read my Bible and pray fairly much daily and sometimes throughout the day. The more I am in the Word and in prayer the more I hear God’s direction for me. The more I do what I hear God directing me to do the more contentment I feel. I like who I am in the Lord. After we moved to VA I had a person tell me that I made up the move. All I can say is Junior and I prayed and prayed, moved forward and prayed some more. Four years later I love where I am at. This is not all of the flesh because if I had my way I’d be a snow bird. In VA I have been accepted for whom I am, Junior is accepted as a guy who has an opinion and is not afraid to share it. We are who we are in the Lord. God opened Junior’s heart to ask a young man if he’d help him with our new to us home. The kid was walking down the train tracks smoking and walking. He came to help us as we needed help. His mother stopped by one day and a friendship was formed. She is in a way different economic status than us. This friend has been a friend to me at times when I have felt so unwanted and so low. Our humor tends to mesh with each other and we often get people giggling as we go about our shopping and what have you. She and her son often come to stay with us for a few days at a time. Sometimes I run her to Doctor Appointments and her son often will do the back breaking work that Junior can’t. We seem to be what each other needs. My friend’s back is messed up, she has diabetes and emphazymea. She has not been able to work in decades now due to the back injuries. I am slowing down with my various old age struggles and we often sit side by side sharing, laughing and doing life. Sometimes I make a meal or two and sometimes she makes a meal or two. When she first stopped by I had a few people tell me that I did not need to hang with this woman. I prayed and God directed me to be a friend. I’m glad I listened to God. She has some unusual ways. I have my strange ways and frankly I don’t find her strangeness to be a problem. I love her almost like a sister. I believe because I sensed that God wanted us to befriend these two that we have been blessed even though they are not “popular”. I feel that way about Junior as well. He is the first man that has taught me men don’t have to give into their anger and hurt those around them. He seeks my input from time to time. So he may not be a stud muffin but….in my eyes he is. It isn’t all about his looks. When I asked God if I should go off and marry Junior I felt a peace come over me. To be honest I have not been unhappy with him and so if he isn’t a stud muffin and a huge wage earner……I am content. We make a decent wage. We have what we need and some. It took me a while to learn how to wear clothes from a thrift store for my every day. These days I don’t care. I don’t have anything to prove by the label on my clothes. A lot of our furniture is from yard sales, thrift stores and the like. Long gone are the days where I thought people would respect me because I had the latest greatest gadget. God keeps teaching me that the heart is what He wants. He teaches me to look at people’s hearts and when I do I find very special friends. Junior’s heart is precious. He has tendencies toward hoarding. It drives me nuts. When I can’t deal with his hoarding I usually begin a conversation with God. I am not trying to change Junior. That is not my goal. I am trying to accept my man warts and all. Each time I ask God to help, He shows me Junior’s heart. To be honest that is what I love about Junior. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 3, 2013

July 3, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I am feeling alone and all of a sudden I sense God tell me…..”I’m here right beside you.” There are days where I long to talk with my kids about life in general. I long to talk about the silly things we did, the hard moments and frankly I hear from my son when I call and rarely does he just call. The daughter has gone into training and the story I get is she is too busy to call with the craziness of her job. I don’t think we’ve talked in a year again. I begin to too look at my life and frankly I love it beyond measure. Junior and I rarely fight these days. Yesterday I went out to chat with him while he worked. He was short with me. His back is tender again and he was in the midst of pouring cement and talking was difficult. I know that the short words are not something that will go on for hours or days. He comes in a while later and seems to explain his shortness to me. I understand and we soon are talking about life in general. We are friends once more. I love that our moments of frustration don’t last for days on end. With Junior I can usually tell that I tried at the wrong time and I also know he isn’t going to hold it against me and be angry for hours or days. As we walk our dogs are following us. We see a couple of neighbors out in the yard and chat with them. I drink in the forest and the mountains and peace seeks deep into my being. Did I want to move to VA away from family and friends? Not really now that we are here though I can’t imagine being anyplace else but here in the country in VA. When I look deep inside of myself I see the woman who always longed for the peace of the woods, the quiet of the country and the beauty of the mountains. As I continue to learn how to live in an older body I also find that the slow paced life here in the country works so well for me. I also get sad that we’ve had three visitors in the last 4 years. Almost no one is happy for our move out here and has not come to see us. I grieve and then I begin to enter into life out here and let the grieving go. God once more pops into my thoughts and tells me “I am here.” Yup God tends to fill the deep voids I feel. God comforts me. One time when I had a bad struggle God sent me to the front porch. As I sat out there I saw a couple of deer wonder by and rabbit or two hop by and a flock of humming birds come and go from our feeders. The longer I sat there the more peace I felt. I love making dinner for Junior. We eat our big meal at lunch time. I love calling him in to have him eat and we share a few moments side by side. It is precious. He then goes back to his latest project, I go onto my day and we hook up again when the mail comes in and then again in the evening for a couple of hours of TV time. Gone are the constant battles over every little detail in life. I tell people all the time that I love our boring life and I truly do. We go into town and running around on errands a couple days a week and we stay home several days. It is warm again and so we hit yard sales and enjoy the putzing around. I love that Junior is not put out with my lack of energy. I do what I can when I can and sit when I can’t and I am thankful I no longer have a crazy schedule I need to do. I love when Junior rejoices with me as well. He knows that I have overcome a hurdle and will be happy for me. I also understand that Junior’s bad back and amputation slows him down a lot. He needs an afternoon nap almost daily and I am good with his need. I also know that as he undertakes various projects that he will stress his back out. I want to fuss and I try to fuss a bit. Overall though I want him content and feeling productive so if he throws his back once and for all well he was doing what he enjoyed and that is ok. He amazes me. I know that he is in constant pain, daily. I don’t always know it though. I find out more often than not when he is short with me. He feels a daily comment on his pain level is not necessary. So I learn to watch him and I often can figure out where his pain level is and I then can leave him alone until he feels human again. Junior does not want me fussing at or with him all the time. He wants to deal with his struggle and not bother me so I’ve learned to sit back and let him guide me in what he needs. For me I like to mention a time or two that I am feeling poorly. Then I go off on my own to deal with my struggle and come back out again when I feel human. With my accident last year Junior learned that I do handle pain. For me the handling pain is a bit in telling someone. I don’t want to dwell on it but I do want my loved ones to know why I am distant and the like. Again I see how well we seem to mesh with each other. We talk about what is on our hearts and then we move on. We don’t hold a grudge. We are friends. I love our life together. Junior continues to feel very safe. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

July 1, 2013

July 1, 2013 Greetings My Friend, I went outside to tell Junior something from a phone call. I sat down for a few minutes while he was working and chatted with him. I do that at times. When I do I always find that Junior loves my visits while he is working. I love it when he comes in to find me and says “Come see what I’ve done.” I can tell he loves it when I am enamored with his workmanship. I can see a smile a mile wide on his face. He tends to love hearing me go on and on about how nice and beautiful the project turned out. Sometimes I just sit and say very little to him. He tends to like that as well. He likes me near. I am not able to be good at using tools and the like. I’d like to but I am a girly girl and don’t have the foggiest idea of how to use tools and the like. I often will complain that I’m not very good and he always tells me that is ok…. My mother in law taught me that many years ago. She pulled me aside and told me to enter into my man’s work even if it is just sitting beside him. Junior seems to love having me near and sharing this time with him. To be honest I love it as well. I once more learn to look at Junior’s talents and not focus on his lack of ability in any given area. The more Junior hears me telling him I “love” this or that, the more he falls in love with me. I continue to see Junior’s strengths and find myself amazed at his ability. I am even more amazed at his ability to overcome pain. He is very slow as he works due to pain but he sticks with a project until it is done. I generally will read these blog posts to Junior out loud. I don’t write letters any longer. My handwriting is awful these days due to a shake in my hand. It seems that Junior still hears my love for him in the reading of the blogs like when I was writing him letters daily and for that I am grateful. I also find in the telling the things I find good in my man keeps my heart open to him and his ways. Is he annoying? Yes he can be but in focusing on his good traits I find I continue to fall in love with my guy. I also go to prayer when I am befuddled with my guy. I don’t go asking God to change him. I do ask God to open my heart to my guy. God has always been faithful in showing me Junior’s good traits. The more good I see the more I continue to fall in love with my man. God also points me to Junior’s heart time and time out. It is amazing. Junior has a very gentle heart. He may sound rough and tough but his heart is the tenderest male heart I’ve ever known. I have grown through Junior training our puppies. To be honest I was very scared when I heard his deep male voice yelling at them as they went potty in the house. Through all of the training I have witnessed Junior’s firm but fair way of treating our animals. This is a first for me. Until I met Junior every man in my life often lost control and wound up being violent even with the smallest things. Junior teaches me more about how God created men. I see him get worked up fairly easy from time to time but he has never resorted to physical ways to respond to his anger. Again it is so new to me. I have a lot of respect for Junior because he maintains control. Junior does not expect me to be able to do the heavy lifting he does. That is a relief as well. I am a weakling and Junior isn’t upset. He often tells me that I am a girl and he understands. Until I met Junior the men in my life thought I could do what they could. Frankly I am a small woman and I cannot do manly stuff. I can be soft, I can hug and speak words of encouragement. With that I am fairly competent and Junior allows me to do what I am made to do. I find myself wanting to watch after my man often. I try to make sure if he wants a nap that I don’t bother him. I try to be quiet when his back is hurting and I try to bring him things if he needs me to. I am grateful for his help within the house. As I continue to gain more energy and health I find myself doing a bit more. Junior does not belittle me because I am not the cook, the housekeeper I have been in the past. The less he fusses at me the harder I work at trying to do more. The more settled the house becomes I find that I am working a routine out more and more. I still have a ways to go yet but I am way better than a few short years ago when I began my decline. I am once again walking fairly much daily. When the weather is not good for outside walking I tend to jump on the ellipse and walk on that. I spend time writing several days throughout the week. I love it. Writing moves me. I tend to think life through with writing. It is the way I operate. Junior accepts this strange aspect in me. I appreciate that a ton. Prayer too helps me be who he needs me to be. I still pray for our marriage fairly much daily. One failed marriage is more than I’d like to ever have. Since I believe prayer teaches me to be what Junior needs me to be I can’t see me giving up on prayer for our marriage any time soon. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 29, 2013

June 29, 2013 Greetings My Friend, There is that argument again. God wants more of me and I struggle to let go and give more to God. I have been praying for a while now and I find that I am more and more at peace with this thought, I’m not all the way but I do see forward movement. I find a need to write my testimony on FB and do. I have told my story many times and feel a need to tell it again. Sometimes I tell about abuse, drugs and the freedom I now have. Sometimes it is a plain I was so unhappy and now I have peace it is all the same story really. After I retired I took a major nose dive. I wanted to be retired for a long time. I could taste it. I wanted to be home with Junior for many years before we died. He retired earlier than expected due to war injuries and the like. They all finally caught up with him and his body gave out. Then I had cancer. I got better but my energy level went real low. It kept going lower even after I retired. I am on the other side of all the low’s but I find I am now as an older woman who does not have the energy she once did. When I was retired we felt God telling us it was time to move. Strange I thought we’d be a snow bird not much else, nope He wanted to us to move to another state. So we began the process of finding where, how etc. We prayed and it feels like with each prayer we were to completely leave the state so we did. The amazing thing is we love where we are at. I would have never picked this for myself and yet we love it. We love the woods more than water front property. We are on 9 acres of mostly woods. When I walk I see mountains, woods, animals and peace everywhere. It is awesome. The weather isn’t Michigan’s coldness or FL’s heat. It is just right. My kids seem to keep asking me “why” did I stay?” I can’t give them an answer they can wrap their brains around. They will need to figure this out since I can’t put into words what they need to hear. By moving I no longer have to see “Him” at Christmas at my son’s house. “He” is Mr. friendly and all gushy all over the place. Each time I look into his face I see anger. I can’t move past the anger we shared. He thinks I should be over this and I am not. As we settle in VA I find myself finally letting go. It takes me a few more years to realize this man can’t get me. I feel he wants my family, our friends and will do anything to take those from me. His family has never once reached out to me but my family says they don’t know how to tell him to go away. It is what it is. The people out here take us into their lives in a way I’ve never felt love before. It is awesome beyond belief. They accept Junior and his “strange” ways. They are not strange to me but others can find him offensive at times. I know Junior’s heart and have seen him be so tender with me. I accept Junior for the man he is. He accepts me warts and as well. God once again shows me that I am truly valuable. He gives me the idea to write and I love writing. I write this blog, write a book and I love it. In all the writing my dream is that I reach out and bring God’s love to a point of reality for other’s to grasp. That is my goal nothing more. Yup I talk about “me” a whole lot but that is the goal. For me I did not see how to enter into this relationship till I was 40 years old and I want to help someone who struggles as I did to find their journey to God. The more I learn to give God my all, the more peace I find within me. It is awesome. I remember trying to study people so I could be “normal.” Normal was arguing, fighting, drinking and a whole lot of anger. It was what I knew. I hated it and I did not know how to find peace. These days I have peace. I really don’t care if I am popular, cool or even beautiful. Another struggle I have had is being tiny. I loved being 100 pounds forever and a day. Then I get to old age and I weigh a whole 140 pounds. How awful is that? Most people don’t even begin to grasp the problem……I no longer can be “tiny little Janet.” I am now normal size “Janet.” I find Junior still attracted to me at this huge weight. It is weird. At one time in my life if I gained an ounce of weight I was rejected. He loves me even if I am heavier. He loves “me” for who I am and I don’t have to be a model. I have to be “me” and I love it. Junior teaches me to look at the heart. God has pointed that out and as I seek to see Junior’s heart I begin to see Junior loving me at the heart level. It is awesome. It is not about performance it is about being genuinely me. So Junior has a few quirks. He tells people the facts whether or not they want to hear them. He is bold in his telling people that they may end up in hell. It gets hard to hear the harshness. For me I would have run. God came to me in tenderness. Some people though don’t do tender but I need tenderness to grow in and learn so I have learned in tenderness. Junior has specific people who get the message the way he presents it. Other’s look at him like he is not altogether and God keeps teaching me to look at Junior’s heart. So he may appear to be rough but I see a tender side that is awesome. I believe that God uses us where we are. If we are tender then God uses our tenderness. If we are up front and in your face…..God will use that. I have seen Junior talking to a group of “thugs” and I was amazed. He knows how to talk their way. I don’t and if I talked to them they would never hear a word I was saying. I can talk to hurting women. I often find myself in the midst of women who are hurting and reeling from abuse. I know them and they know that I know. It is amazing. We each have our own calling and frankly that is awesome. I am useful to God in His kingdom building and again that feels awesome. What is your calling in the Lord? Are you listening? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet