June 20, 2012 Greetings My Friend, This is the last week we will be taking B to the cancer center. I am so hopeful for her. For me I had stage0 cancer. She has stage 2 cancer which is not bad. I believe we can both live a long life. I am 7 years cancer free so I feel that is a blessing beyond belief. I pray she too will move on with life. For the past several weeks, I have driven her there most of the days. Actually we take turns. Most days I drive there and she drives home. Her car is not dependable so we take our car. I was grateful for this opportunity to care for my friend. For me I used this time to attempt to come “back” more. Many days I get there and have had to take a nap because I was so tired. Since Prozac though my naps aren’t as often which feels wonderful. I have not done much at home though. I quit cooking and started bringing home carry outs for dinner. As the end comes I am finding myself contemplating on how to fill my days at home again. Junior is in the process of changing the family room into more of a bedroom/office/exercise area. The front room will be where the recliners and couch will be…our family room now. He has moved a bunch of boxes up to the attic. He hung an area rug on the wall….the dogs bathroom habits aren’t good as of yet although we are seeing more days with no potty messes now. As these rooms are finished then I see me starting to keep them up more. I will add that to the bathroom and the bedroom. The kitchen table still holds “stuff” and Junior said he will get it cleaned off of all his tools etc. Once that is in order I hope I can truly become the house keeper I have been in the past. My prayer is that I am truly on the road to recovery and very little backsliding now. These past few years with depression and health issues have taken a toll on me. The 2 moves in 2 years have added to my general discouragement as well. I am ever grateful we moved to VA but to be honest it has been hard emotionally. I love the scenery out here. I love the people and their acceptance of people for who they are without a lot of attitudes. That has been wonderful. For the first time in my life I feel like I am accepted for whom I am and I don’t have to be the “norm”. It is wonderful! As I have learned more of my past I am also grateful for Prozac. I am able to process this new memory better and let it go better. I am trying to figure out what to do with what I have learned. Am I learning this so I can help someone down the line? Is there something I need to work through so I can continue to be healthy emotionally? These are some of the questions I am sorting through. I also am struggling with the pain of my siblings. I find that in many ways I have been spared a lot of what they went through. That has been hard to understand. For the first time in my life I see where my tattle tale ways have saved me. I was a loud child, a tattle tale and I told whatever crossed my path. Being a tattle tale is frowned upon and I have understood that it is wrong at least by society’s standards. For me though because I was a tattle tale, I was spared some of the sexual abuse my siblings went through. As I have questioned this in my prayers I find some answers that I have yet to fully comprehend. I find that from a young child I have wanted to be good. I believe the Bible when it states that God will place on our hearts right and wrong. This is what I am trying to understand. I knew that some of the stuff that was going on was wrong. I don’t remember being “taught” it per se. I just knew it wasn’t right. At this point I go back and realize God placed that on my heart at a young age. I find I was more in tune with God than I realized. So then the question arises in my mind “Why did they suffer what they suffered?” As I sort this out I have been told that we allow spirits to enter us. They may have accepted more evil? I am not sure I understand. I am sad because I know what they endured was worse than what I endured and I endured a lot of crud. I was the one that was made to….so I also see my journey was different as well. I was the one my parents relied on to get things done. I was the one that talked to bill collectors and my siblings weren’t so again my journey was different and I struggled with different struggles. I did not get off without my own struggles. I also had some of the sexual abuse they dealt with. I did not have as much though. I was the tattle tale and no one knew if I would tell so it was safer to leave me alone. Again I marvel that my bad habit saved me from more than what I did deal with. Because of my childhood I found I was more willing to tolerate things I should not have tolerated in life. I had thought that this went on in every home. As I went through counseling I learned not to accept things I thought I should. The people at the bank also taught me so much. They don’t even know it but from them I began to learn how to assert myself. I am ever grateful I learned the lessons I have learned. So I continue with counseling and Prozac and even in my older years I am still growing. At this point I never ever want to walk away from God. He has sustained me. I have been able to live because I know I am a wanted child of God. That gives me such hope and such courage. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 16, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My mind has been working through my past again. With Prozac I am not staying in the thought as long but I am able to look at incidents and then let go more fully now. My mind goes back to when I first entered into counseling. I started talking about some of the junk that went on with my Dad and the counselor told me “it wasn’t that bad.” I went for a while longer and began my journey of being in and out of counseling. I went back into counseling a while later with someone else and I again told of some of the junk that went on with my Dad. This counselor listened to me and acknowledged my pain. From that point on I began to let go of the hurt and anger. It was a process but by the time Dad died I was able to accept who he was and what went on. I took care of Dad along with the rest of the family. I even held Dad as he died. It was a bittersweet moment. I had forgiven him. Part of my struggle with my former marriage has been the same feeling of not being heard. Right from the start everyone kept telling me that “he changed.” Then I heard from family that “he is my hero.” No one has ever wanted to hear of my struggle and what I dealt with. They did not want to hear the details. I learned early on not to talk about my pain. No one really wanted to hear it. I continue to get the feeling that people don’t think what was done to me was all that bad. I recently have asked my counselor to help me process that part of my life and we are beginning that with my next appointment. She had me write it out so she could read it and then guide me. I wrote it out and read it to B when she was out for a visit recently. After I read it to her she acknowledged my pain. That felt wonderful. With that one acknowledgement I find myself being ready to finally lie this to rest. I don’t want to hurt him with my telling. I just need to “unload.’ I don’t want anything more than the opportunity to talk and then let go. It rolls around in my head and I’m tired of it. Do I remember each incident…not really? I just remember the general craziness. Long gone are the days where I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I just want to be acknowledged and to be able to live this new life. Prozac is helping me to let go more. I feel though that in order for me to heal more fully I need to ‘tell’ not to hurt him anymore but to be able to let go of the thoughts that continue to jump around in my brain. I’ve been told I need to forgive him. My forgiveness has been a process and over all I do forgive him. I have found though that for me anyway forgiveness is a process. I truly don’t want harm to come to him. I think the best thing Junior taught me is to pray for him. I’ve been praying for him now since I’ve been married to Junior. Early on in my prayers I cried to God and then slowly I found I did not hate the man. Now fear on the other hand has continued to plague me. Junior has been ever patient with me and has tried to listen. As a man Junior faces a problem and then begins to work through it. As a woman though I have a need to talk about it and Junior has listened. He responds to me even. To be honest I have not felt “heard.” He often will say things like there are 2 sides to every problem. He is right. I needed to “hear’ that what I experienced was rough. I did not need to hear his comment of ‘two sides to every problem.” As I left the marriage I was in counseling and I needed to figure out how to be “single.” I needed to figure out how to live my new life. Then I met Junior. I started dating him around 9 months after the divorce and we married 15 months after the divorce. I did not do the work of dealing with what went on in my marriage. I was trying to live life. Then I needed to figure out how to be Junior’s wife. I learned to pray for my marriage and I continue to pray. On my own…I would have probably not been able to figure out what Junior needed but with God’s guidance I have been able too. Dad was a kid who left home at 14 and did not return. He learned how to fend for himself. He stayed in garages and soon the guys offered him a job. Dad supported himself from then on….well till he had polio anyway. I believe that Dad was a 14 year old in a lot of his thinking. His jokes were always of bathroom humor and the like. He overcame a whole lot in his life and when I can look back now I understand. I don’t like what was done but I have compassion for him. I have been able to come to that point because of counseling and to be honest because I was acknowledged. I don’t know what made my ex the way he was. From what I can tell his home life wasn’t as crazy as mine. It might have been I don’t know. I would like to have peace in my mind about him though. Again I don’t hate him. I have forgiven where I can and am desperately trying to let go of the past. I can’t do this on my own though. I believe the “acknowledgement” piece will help me to lay this whole thing to rest. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 16, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My mind has been working through my past again. With Prozac I am not staying in the thought as long but I am able to look at incidents and then let go more fully now. My mind goes back to when I first entered into counseling. I started talking about some of the junk that went on with my Dad and the counselor told me “it wasn’t that bad.” I went for a while longer and began my journey of being in and out of counseling. I went back into counseling a while later with someone else and I again told of some of the junk that went on with my Dad. This counselor listened to me and acknowledged my pain. From that point on I began to let go of the hurt and anger. It was a process but by the time Dad died I was able to accept who he was and what went on. I took care of Dad along with the rest of the family. I even held Dad as he died. It was a bittersweet moment. I had forgiven him. Part of my struggle with my former marriage has been the same feeling of not being heard. Right from the start everyone kept telling me that “he changed.” Then I heard from family that “he is my hero.” No one has ever wanted to hear of my struggle and what I dealt with. They did not want to hear the details. I learned early on not to talk about my pain. No one really wanted to hear it. I continue to get the feeling that people don’t think what was done to me was all that bad. I recently have asked my counselor to help me process that part of my life and we are beginning that with my next appointment. She had me write it out so she could read it and then guide me. I wrote it out and read it to B when she was out for a visit recently. After I read it to her she acknowledged my pain. That felt wonderful. With that one acknowledgement I find myself being ready to finally lie this to rest. I don’t want to hurt him with my telling. I just need to “unload.’ I don’t want anything more than the opportunity to talk and then let go. It rolls around in my head and I’m tired of it. Do I remember each incident…not really? I just remember the general craziness. Long gone are the days where I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I just want to be acknowledged and to be able to live this new life. Prozac is helping me to let go more. I feel though that in order for me to heal more fully I need to ‘tell’ not to hurt him anymore but to be able to let go of the thoughts that continue to jump around in my brain. I’ve been told I need to forgive him. My forgiveness has been a process and over all I do forgive him. I have found though that for me anyway forgiveness is a process. I truly don’t want harm to come to him. I think the best thing Junior taught me is to pray for him. I’ve been praying for him now since I’ve been married to Junior. Early on in my prayers I cried to God and then slowly I found I did not hate the man. Now fear on the other hand has continued to plague me. Junior has been ever patient with me and has tried to listen. As a man Junior faces a problem and then begins to work through it. As a woman though I have a need to talk about it and Junior has listened. He responds to me even. To be honest I have not felt “heard.” He often will say things like there are 2 sides to every problem. He is right. I needed to “hear’ that what I experienced was rough. I did not need to hear his comment of ‘two sides to every problem.” As I left the marriage I was in counseling and I needed to figure out how to be “single.” I needed to figure out how to live my new life. Then I met Junior. I started dating him around 9 months after the divorce and we married 15 months after the divorce. I did not do the work of dealing with what went on in my marriage. I was trying to live life. Then I needed to figure out how to be Junior’s wife. I learned to pray for my marriage and I continue to pray. On my own…I would have probably not been able to figure out what Junior needed but with God’s guidance I have been able too. Dad was a kid who left home at 14 and did not return. He learned how to fend for himself. He stayed in garages and soon the guys offered him a job. Dad supported himself from then on….well till he had polio anyway. I believe that Dad was a 14 year old in a lot of his thinking. His jokes were always of bathroom humor and the like. He overcame a whole lot in his life and when I can look back now I understand. I don’t like what was done but I have compassion for him. I have been able to come to that point because of counseling and to be honest because I was acknowledged. I don’t know what made my ex the way he was. From what I can tell his home life wasn’t as crazy as mine. It might have been I don’t know. I would like to have peace in my mind about him though. Again I don’t hate him. I have forgiven where I can and am desperately trying to let go of the past. I can’t do this on my own though. I believe the “acknowledgement” piece will help me to lay this whole thing to rest. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

Greetings My Friend, This is the last week we will be taking B to the cancer center. I am so hopeful for her. For me I had stage0 cancer. She has stage 2 cancer which is not bad. I believe we can both live a long life. I am 7 years cancer free so I feel that is a blessing beyond belief. I pray she too will move on with life. For the past several weeks, I have driven her there most of the days. Actually we take turns. Most days I drive there and she drives home. Her car is not dependable so we take our car. I was grateful for this opportunity to care for my friend. For me I used this time to attempt to come “back” more. Many days I get there and have had to take a nap because I was so tired. Since Prozac though my naps aren’t as often which feels wonderful. I have not done much at home though. I quit cooking and started bringing home carry outs for dinner. As the end comes I am finding myself contemplating on how to fill my days at home again. Junior is in the process of changing the family room into more of a bedroom/office/exercise area. The front room will be where the recliners and couch will be…our family room now. He has moved a bunch of boxes up to the attic. He hung an area rug on the wall….the dogs bathroom habits aren’t good as of yet although we are seeing more days with no potty messes now. As these rooms are finished then I see me starting to keep them up more. I will add that to the bathroom and the bedroom. The kitchen table still holds “stuff” and Junior said he will get it cleaned off of all his tools etc. Once that is in order I hope I can truly become the house keeper I have been in the past.

June 16, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My mind has been working through my past again. With Prozac I am not staying in the thought as long but I am able to look at incidents and then let go more fully now. My mind goes back to when I first entered into counseling. I started talking about some of the junk that went on with my Dad and the counselor told me “it wasn’t that bad.” I went for a while longer and began my journey of being in and out of counseling. I went back into counseling a while later with someone else and I again told of some of the junk that went on with my Dad. This counselor listened to me and acknowledged my pain. From that point on I began to let go of the hurt and anger. It was a process but by the time Dad died I was able to accept who he was and what went on. I took care of Dad along with the rest of the family. I even held Dad as he died. It was a bittersweet moment. I had forgiven him. Part of my struggle with my former marriage has been the same feeling of not being heard. Right from the start everyone kept telling me that “he changed.” Then I heard from family that “he is my hero.” No one has ever wanted to hear of my struggle and what I dealt with. They did not want to hear the details. I learned early on not to talk about my pain. No one really wanted to hear it. I continue to get the feeling that people don’t think what was done to me was all that bad. I recently have asked my counselor to help me process that part of my life and we are beginning that with my next appointment. She had me write it out so she could read it and then guide me. I wrote it out and read it to B when she was out for a visit recently. After I read it to her she acknowledged my pain. That felt wonderful. With that one acknowledgement I find myself being ready to finally lie this to rest. I don’t want to hurt him with my telling. I just need to “unload.’ I don’t want anything more than the opportunity to talk and then let go. It rolls around in my head and I’m tired of it. Do I remember each incident…not really? I just remember the general craziness. Long gone are the days where I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I just want to be acknowledged and to be able to live this new life. Prozac is helping me to let go more. I feel though that in order for me to heal more fully I need to ‘tell’ not to hurt him anymore but to be able to let go of the thoughts that continue to jump around in my brain. I’ve been told I need to forgive him. My forgiveness has been a process and over all I do forgive him. I have found though that for me anyway forgiveness is a process. I truly don’t want harm to come to him. I think the best thing Junior taught me is to pray for him. I’ve been praying for him now since I’ve been married to Junior. Early on in my prayers I cried to God and then slowly I found I did not hate the man. Now fear on the other hand has continued to plague me. Junior has been ever patient with me and has tried to listen. As a man Junior faces a problem and then begins to work through it. As a woman though I have a need to talk about it and Junior has listened. He responds to me even. To be honest I have not felt “heard.” He often will say things like there are 2 sides to every problem. He is right. I needed to “hear’ that what I experienced was rough. I did not need to hear his comment of ‘two sides to every problem.” As I left the marriage I was in counseling and I needed to figure out how to be “single.” I needed to figure out how to live my new life. Then I met Junior. I started dating him around 9 months after the divorce and we married 15 months after the divorce. I did not do the work of dealing with what went on in my marriage. I was trying to live life. Then I needed to figure out how to be Junior’s wife. I learned to pray for my marriage and I continue to pray. On my own…I would have probably not been able to figure out what Junior needed but with God’s guidance I have been able too. Dad was a kid who left home at 14 and did not return. He learned how to fend for himself. He stayed in garages and soon the guys offered him a job. Dad supported himself from then on….well till he had polio anyway. I believe that Dad was a 14 year old in a lot of his thinking. His jokes were always of bathroom humor and the like. He overcame a whole lot in his life and when I can look back now I understand. I don’t like what was done but I have compassion for him. I have been able to come to that point because of counseling and to be honest because I was acknowledged. I don’t know what made my ex the way he was. From what I can tell his home life wasn’t as crazy as mine. It might have been I don’t know. I would like to have peace in my mind about him though. Again I don’t hate him. I have forgiven where I can and am desperately trying to let go of the past. I can’t do this on my own though. I believe the “acknowledgement” piece will help me to lay this whole thing to rest. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 6, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I write my blog several months ahead. Then I try to edit it. I read it for about a week looking for grammar mistakes. My computer is acting up so my capital letters are not always caps when I want it…I can’t control it. I put the blog in the file so to speak and the week before it is due I read it again looking for mistakes. Sometimes I find them so I try hard to have my blog well written. As I was reading the current week’s blog I was reading about my faith journey and I thought about having a testimony. I generally liken a testimony to wanting to share something exciting with friends. Like when I find a great buy on a pair of shoes or a wonderful new restaurant to eat at so sharing the good news is fun. For me I feel I have been given a new life in the Lord. As I state often my life was at the lowest when I gave my heart to Jesus. I had always believed in God, the Lord Jesus. My journey with the Holy Spirit began when I gave my heart to the Lord. I had heard of the Holy Spirit but never really understood Him. I was driving to work and the minister on the radio prayed the sinner’s prayer. I prayed alongside of the minister. I did not feel anything right away. As the days went on I found myself desiring to come closer to God. As I faced struggles a new strength was in me. I still hurt. I still cried but I did not feel alone anymore. That has been one of my hardest struggles, that feeling of being alone. I was often with people, living with people but I felt so utterly alone all the time. I felt like no one understood me. I did not know how to love or be loved. As I found ways to cope and that sense of love I began to have a strength I had never had before. Even in my current struggles with depression I have not felt alone. I believe God allows us to have struggles for a variety of reasons. If we are entrenched in sin the struggle may be a way for us to ask God to help us get out of the struggle. Sometimes a struggle may be a way for me to reach out to another and offer the hope I have. My friend M has been with me for decades now. We have held each other through a lot of struggles in our lives. Our faith journeys have run parallel of each other. I often marvel at that. M had her son when my youngest was 10. There were years we spoke rarely due to her parenting a young child as I was running a teenager around. Our life direction was at the opposite ends of the spectrum. As her son headed for college we once again were able to connect more often. We often stay with M when we come to MI. We try to talk on the phone frequently. Her job has her traveling so we can’t talk every week but we keep up with each other. I have a desire to tell my story. My story is not one story, it is many stories of how God has held me, helped me and been my stronghold. Sometimes it is a straight forward conversation of how Jesus has brought healing to my life. Sometimes I tell of how I pray through the last hours of Jesus’ life and how that has brought me to a closer walk with the Lord. I had thought for years that a testimony was only one thing. It is not. It is many stories of how my life has changed because of Jesus. It is that feeling of not being alone. It is the time I knew what to say in an uncertain situation or it is the hug I felt as I sat on the porch watching deer walk by. I also have a testimony about being Junior’s wife. My parents’ marriage was not the best. My first marriage was not good. I had thought that men and women could not truly be good friends in a marriage. I pray daily for this marriage and in it I have found that Junior is my best friend. When I don’t understand him I often go to prayer. God will reveal to me the things I need to know in order to live alongside of this man. I am very content and that is awesome. I am content in ‘who’ I am now a days. For the first time in my life I am comfortable in my own skin. I am heavier and that is ok. I have a long nose and that has upset me most of my life now I am content with it. God has given Junior to me and me to Junior. Junior accepts me as I am. He married me when I weighed 110 pounds. I am now 30 pounds heavier and he still finds me attractive. With menopause and cancer the weight has been difficult to lose. I have lost it to gain it right back. As I come back with the help of Prozac I hope to finally begin an exercise routine and get my weight down. The doctor’s tell me that 110 pounds is not the weight I can be healthy at anymore. The dream of being 110 pounds is not healthy any longer. Again each situation is a testimony. When I am talking with someone who struggles with depression I can offer the hope I have. Many times when I write about my depression I have a comment from people about their struggle. I have been at the store and mentioned about abuse and have had women comment that they too have struggled. I often tell them they can move forward and my help is Jesus. I have a testimony about cancer….I am a 7 year survivor. I often share that when I hear someone has cancer. People often told me that they were a so many year survivor and that gave me so much hope as I went through cancer. Where is your hope? Do you share your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

June 2, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am reading Hebrews 12:12 “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” As I read the last part ‘without holiness no one will see the Lord” I had a moment of hmmmm. Many times I hear that “once saved always saved.” I also hear that “good works” will get you into heaven. This generally makes me wonder. The way I understand a faith journey is that you need to truly give God your heart and then allow God to direct you. You can’t go on with being a drunkard, a drug addict etc. I do believe if you are talking to God He will direct you and help get out of your struggle. So it may take time but eventually you will leave that behind. When I look at Abraham, the father of our Jewish/Christian heritage I find many times where he sinned. Abraham was directed to go Canaan. There were some places where Abraham was afraid for his life and he did not talk to God apparently. Abraham told his wife tell the king you are my sister….and she was. Back then sister’s and brother’s married each other and that was before the 10 commandments. Now we can’t. Again there is Jacob. His name means deceiver. Jacob deceived his brother’s inheritance and received it instead of the brother. Jacob was Abraham’s son. Jacob wound up leaving the family and traveling to his mother’s family. He wanted to marry Rebecca and he himself was deceived. He was given Rebecca’s sister and so she was his wife. Jacob had to work another 7 years before he could get Rebecca and he eventually did get her. Both men grew in their faith. Both men began to trust God and turn to God and they made fewer and fewer mistakes. Oh there is King David and the sin with Bathsheba. David repented and he went on to have a marvelous life in the Lord. I believe that trying and allowing God to change us is what makes us holy. As I think upon the word “holy” I find that it means set apart. Set apart to me means we are different than the norm. Not strange although we may be perceived as strange by the world’s standard. I think it means we are to be more honest and caring. We, well for me I believe we want to do “good works” because I am so grateful for the gift I have been given. For me I have been given a new life, a second chance and I am ever grateful for that. Since I have begun my faith journey I find peace even in the midst of strife. I have spent many years with depression and through that I have known that God was with me. I have felt His hugs, I have felt His direction and I knew that I knew I was not alone. I am amazed at what trials I can face when I know that I am not alone. Just as Abraham, Jacob and King David messed up, I too find moments where I mess up. I find having a repentant heart and asking for forgiveness brings me back into relationship with God. I need to admit my mistakes and then allow God to show me how to walk away and sometimes I know what I need to do to walk away and sometimes God will direct me. I have friends that have dealt with a loved one dying. As the loved one went through their struggle many church friends stopped by with food and visited them. The ones who were receiving the help commented over and over how their non-believing family and friends were amazed at the support that was given to them from the church family. To me this is a witness of a Christian community and gives God the glory. Through the years I have wondered if I would have family around me in my older years. I wondered if they would give me the support I may need. As I continue on in my faith journey I realize that God will see to it I get the support I need. I saw this with Aunt R. Aunt R. never married. She was eccentric and she often would disappear from family for long periods of time. Her brother and parents were all dead and I worried about her. One day we received a phone call that she was in a nursing home. Friends had found her living in her home with no heat in the middle of winter. I had tried a few times to call and got no answer and gave up. Her friends knew how to keep up with her and they did and she was put into a nursing home. At that point I realized that God will make sure I have the help I need. My goal in life is to live as cleanly as possible, be as honest as possible and give where I can. To me this is honoring God. I try to have a daily conversation with God. I have not mastered the art of praying through each moment of the day. I hope to someday but now I mainly pray in the night as I fall asleep and wake up throughout the night finishing as I wake up in the morning. As I look on FB I do find I pray for the various requests I see. So I am learning to be more prayerful throughout the day. I find I need to read my Bible pretty much daily. In prayer and Bible reading I find God’s ways and his holiness. I find how to live my life and at times I find specific things God wants me to do. I feel God wants me to be a writer for Him. That is the reason I write this blog. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet