July 3, 2010
Greeting My Friend,
A Scripture passage often reveals itself over and over to me. I ponder it often. It is Ephesians 5:28 “in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
First off I find myself thinking that we feed our bodies, some us more generously than others, still we feed our bodies. For awhile I was so distraught with life. I at one point got very scary thin. As the struggles of life got to me food would seem to be hard to swallow. I remember sitting in church on our wooden pews and it hurt my backbone – I was that thin.
Eating was a chore for me. Food was very unappealing, even though I was under weight, I did not care. The problems of life weighed as heavily on me as a ton of bricks on my back. I also thought that I was attractive so thin. Years later when I saw pictures of me, I thought that I looked old. At the time though, I did not see me the way others saw me.
If we love ourselves, care for ourselves we feed ourselves, we are clean, we wear clean clothes, neat not torn and a shamble – in day to day life. We do wear clothes to work in and those would be torn, ripped etc, but day to day wearing neat and clean clothes are the norm. When we are clean and for the most part neat, we show the world that we care for our bodies.
I remember as a young person stating that if we took care of our bodies, our bodies would take care of us. As a believer now, I believe if we take care of our body then we are honoring God. When we care for our body then we also don’t invite a lot of disease to live in us. As we get older many of us find that the choices we made early in life come back to haunt us. High School football players often deal with an old “football injury”. My job at the bank has shown itself in my neck. The way I held my head, twisted my neck for 20 some years as I worked on a computer now shows up with arthritis pain. There are times I feel my hands go numb. I sometimes struggle with carpel tunnel problems. Many people have diabetes due to the way they chose to eat. Smokers, how many of us take up that habit as a young person. All you have to do is look at the older generation and see what smoking does. Mom died of emphysema, Dad died of bladder cancer, and Grandpa C died of a heart attack – all of them heavy smokers.
I have marveled at Junior since the first time I met him. This time I marvel at how well he moves around and in general does life. Junior is an amputee. Junior messed his back up at work and also his amputation contributes to a lot of problems with his back. For twenty or more years Junior gets up most mornings and exercises his back. Junior also has awesome biceps, a defined chest and attractive abs. Who would blame Junior if he wanted to park himself in a recliner and check out on life? He doesn’t though. He has taken supplements, exercised and ate well. Because he cared for his body, he can stay involved in life. Does he have bad days? Yes he does, not very often though.
When we first were married, I remember Junior setting some supplements before me as we ate dinner. I thought it was weird. The test of time has shown me that they work. I need only to look at Junior and see what they have done for him. Junior was not expecting me to do something he would not do. I appreciate that.
For many years I felt I was to be a trophy pretty wife. The man did not have to be clean, or attractive, but I had to be for the man. I really appreciate Junior caring about his looks and I strive to be as neat and clean as he is. I don’t mind being his trophy wife because he cares enough to look nice for me. The fun thing is I often hear people tell me that we look good together. That makes me so happy. We look good and we feel good together. It is a blessing beyond words. Junior cares for me as he cares for his body. I like that a whole lot. I feel precious. I feel loved. I feel wanted all because Junior takes care of his body.
I remember asking my Doctor why “me” when she told me I had cancer. I tried to eat right, exercise, in general take care of my body. I thought it unfair. My Doctor told me that because I did take care of my body, I would be able to move through cancer better. My body had the power to heal because I had tried to take care of myself. I hung on to that statement as I struggled with radiation. Since cancer I have struggled to regain a sense of energy. To be honest I haven’t had any in years. A friend recently suggested that I look into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am starting to implement some of the changes that have been suggested and some days I have more energy now than I have had in years. I am taking some new supplements and slowly I find an energy level coming back I have not had since before cancer.
I believe that a life time of stress has finally caught up with me. God has been so wonderful at times in these last years. I have cried and He has given me wonderful hugs. He placed me with Junior and to be honest, I have felt the safest I have with another man these many years. My friends M & K have stood beside me in the lowest of moments through many years of life. Counseling has helped. The real healing in my life has been Jesus. The more I trust Jesus I am in awe because He has always been faithful. Our accountability groups have been wonderful. God has given me as I was able to accept them, the tools to walk away from stress.
Now I work on healing. It comes too slowly at times. I am frustrated and discouraged. I am also content. That’s the weird thing is the contentment I feel. It is not money. It is not a fancy home, nice clothes that brings me satisfaction these days. Real joy, contentment has been a walk with Jesus. He seems to know what I need and when I need it. As I trust and as I learn to hear and then do, well life is a joy.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 2, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
June 26, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Today I am feeling grief. Missy our baby kitten we found on a porch down here died. Part of me is walling it off so I won’t feel the pain and part of me is remembering those precious moments we have shared. She loved curling up on my lap. When she first came to live with us she was so feisty. Alex our oldest cat was like that when he was little. He was into everything.
Missy has had us concerned for some time. She would lose weight. You could feel all her bones. She would choke when she ate. We kept taking her to the vet and he would give her antibiotics. She would perk up and then she was struggling again. This last time we felt she might overcome because we saw her playing like she used too. The vet said she had a virus, was probably born with it. He felt she should be able to overcome it.
As I sit here thinking, I also remember other times of grief, times where close family members died. Grief does that, it seems to bring back other moments. The hardest grief was when my nephew died. He was 12. It is so hard to lose a child, harder still when he goes to a school retreat weekend and never comes home. We had so much anger, all of us. For me I never wanted another family to experience that. I tried to go to the school and have better methods of watching out for the children implemented.
I was attending a church and our Minister committed suicide. Again that was hard. Our spiritual leader, a man many looked up to killed himself. As we waded through the events, our emotions, we learned that he had struggled as a young man. Our church was going through a period of change. He tried to do it all and became over whelmed and……
Ten months after my nephew died, Dad died. He had bladder cancer. It was hard to diagnose because of Dad’s polio. We as a family came together and Dad was able to stay home. We took turns helping Mom. Mom was still working so my sister-in-law came by during the day. My siblings and I took turns after work. Even my daughter took turns with Grandpa. Those last months with Dad were precious. We had talks. Dad was open to talking. We sat quietly. Dad helped us as much as we helped him. I was with Dad in his final moments. I was helping clean him up. He was in my arms and he died.
Next I remember Grandma. Grandma was my port in the storm. She was my comfort when life was out of control crazy. When my son was little, he was hyper, he had trouble hearing and I struggled trying to figure out all the intricacies of his problems. He was allergic to different foods. He had trouble seeing. As I tried to weed through his problems, Grandma was there. We drank tea and ate cheese curls in her kitchen. We talked. We went for walks – I get my love of walking from Grandma.
The day Grandma died was really the final unraveling of my first marriage. The three days of her wake were a night mare and at this point a blur. Suffice it to say that I struggled to get through each moment and feel safe. My tears were mainly fear for my life and not for her passing. At some point I realized that I had not really said “good-bye” to Grandma. She was gone. I was trying to learn how to be single. I was trying to live life at the most basic level.
Mom, hers was hard too. Mom, one of the care givers said one time, “it is hard to suffer the wrath of Gertrude.” When the end was inevitable Mom said, “Give me a pill and let me sleep till it’s over.” Mom did not give us a chance to say good-bye, to have our last words. She did not let us in on her final moments.
As I look back on grief, I find that I haven’t learned how to grieve. Part of me tries to not feel it. Part of me has spent time trying to cope with day to day life and grief was not a luxury I could give into. To be honest, there are times I feel relief and that makes me sad as well. With the passing I find relief, because I won’t have to “perform”, be perfect and of course there won’t be any more arguments. Again, I feel sad because I feel relief instead of sadness.
The hole is dug. Junior just picked her up and carried her ever so lovingly outside. I say good-bye and a few tears try to come. I sat here writing with her in front of me. I was frozen in place. Missy has loved me these last months when life was a jumble of emotions. She sat on my lap letting me pet her head, her body hurt to be petted. My heart again says good-bye and now I must get up and go into the day.
Thank you Missy for choosing us, for loving us and being the precious baby you were. We love you.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Today I am feeling grief. Missy our baby kitten we found on a porch down here died. Part of me is walling it off so I won’t feel the pain and part of me is remembering those precious moments we have shared. She loved curling up on my lap. When she first came to live with us she was so feisty. Alex our oldest cat was like that when he was little. He was into everything.
Missy has had us concerned for some time. She would lose weight. You could feel all her bones. She would choke when she ate. We kept taking her to the vet and he would give her antibiotics. She would perk up and then she was struggling again. This last time we felt she might overcome because we saw her playing like she used too. The vet said she had a virus, was probably born with it. He felt she should be able to overcome it.
As I sit here thinking, I also remember other times of grief, times where close family members died. Grief does that, it seems to bring back other moments. The hardest grief was when my nephew died. He was 12. It is so hard to lose a child, harder still when he goes to a school retreat weekend and never comes home. We had so much anger, all of us. For me I never wanted another family to experience that. I tried to go to the school and have better methods of watching out for the children implemented.
I was attending a church and our Minister committed suicide. Again that was hard. Our spiritual leader, a man many looked up to killed himself. As we waded through the events, our emotions, we learned that he had struggled as a young man. Our church was going through a period of change. He tried to do it all and became over whelmed and……
Ten months after my nephew died, Dad died. He had bladder cancer. It was hard to diagnose because of Dad’s polio. We as a family came together and Dad was able to stay home. We took turns helping Mom. Mom was still working so my sister-in-law came by during the day. My siblings and I took turns after work. Even my daughter took turns with Grandpa. Those last months with Dad were precious. We had talks. Dad was open to talking. We sat quietly. Dad helped us as much as we helped him. I was with Dad in his final moments. I was helping clean him up. He was in my arms and he died.
Next I remember Grandma. Grandma was my port in the storm. She was my comfort when life was out of control crazy. When my son was little, he was hyper, he had trouble hearing and I struggled trying to figure out all the intricacies of his problems. He was allergic to different foods. He had trouble seeing. As I tried to weed through his problems, Grandma was there. We drank tea and ate cheese curls in her kitchen. We talked. We went for walks – I get my love of walking from Grandma.
The day Grandma died was really the final unraveling of my first marriage. The three days of her wake were a night mare and at this point a blur. Suffice it to say that I struggled to get through each moment and feel safe. My tears were mainly fear for my life and not for her passing. At some point I realized that I had not really said “good-bye” to Grandma. She was gone. I was trying to learn how to be single. I was trying to live life at the most basic level.
Mom, hers was hard too. Mom, one of the care givers said one time, “it is hard to suffer the wrath of Gertrude.” When the end was inevitable Mom said, “Give me a pill and let me sleep till it’s over.” Mom did not give us a chance to say good-bye, to have our last words. She did not let us in on her final moments.
As I look back on grief, I find that I haven’t learned how to grieve. Part of me tries to not feel it. Part of me has spent time trying to cope with day to day life and grief was not a luxury I could give into. To be honest, there are times I feel relief and that makes me sad as well. With the passing I find relief, because I won’t have to “perform”, be perfect and of course there won’t be any more arguments. Again, I feel sad because I feel relief instead of sadness.
The hole is dug. Junior just picked her up and carried her ever so lovingly outside. I say good-bye and a few tears try to come. I sat here writing with her in front of me. I was frozen in place. Missy has loved me these last months when life was a jumble of emotions. She sat on my lap letting me pet her head, her body hurt to be petted. My heart again says good-bye and now I must get up and go into the day.
Thank you Missy for choosing us, for loving us and being the precious baby you were. We love you.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, June 18, 2010
June 19, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
As I write this I am in MI, dealing with a cold and feeling very contemplative. I had a phrase bomb hit me again. My friend S calls them Bus Driver issues, whatever I am pondering something from my past that I have dealt with through the years. The phrase goes something like this, “I get over my mad quickly and move on.”
When I hear this statement, I am transported back in time. I am amazed at how quickly I can be sent back to another time. People will tell me this statement like it is a good thing. I usually don’t see it that way. I usually want to respond, “what about what was said to the other person.” I wonder if people who “get over” their mad understand that “what was said” may have wrecked havoc on the other person. Just because they have moved on I wonder if they realize that the other person may not have.
A while back a person felt the need to “set me straight.” They wrote not nice things about me, called me “warped,” stuff like that. Another part of this struggle is how to interact with those that have a need to “set you straight” when I am still stinging from harsh words And they have moved on And I haven’t. As I write I try hard to not mention names. I try hard to dig through the layers of life. We all live life and I may be the weirdest thing since sliced cheese, but you know what, I’m still human. As I share on this blog, my dream is to “help” to “point” people to the most wonderful gift that enables us to live this confusing thing called life. This gift of course is Jesus.
We know what we know. My life style is confusing to some people. To me though, it is what I know. As a Christian, I strive to open my heart to “every” type of person. Sometimes I “get it” and sometimes I don’t. My heart instantly goes out to women who struggle with abuse. I know it, understand it and I “feel” along with them. I’m not as adept with a “street” type person. I try, but I truly “don’t get it.”
So, just because I’ve never been a street person, does that mean, I’m better than them? I don’t think so. I don’t believe it gives me the right to talk down, to be rude or to feel superior, just because I’ve never been a street person.
Each year as I read through the Bible, I find that God tends to teach me. God has a heart for people. He wants us to reach out, to love, to help people live life. That’s the biggest lesson, I “hear.” God often admonishes us to reach the lost, the lonely, the hurting, the orphan and the widow.
I find one of the most comforting phrases in the Bible is “For God first loved us.” Through the years, that has helped me so much. As I have stated before, I have spent a life time of trying to find love. As I have gotten older, walked with the Lord, I’ve realized that I have felt unwanted a whole lot. With God’s love, I find that each day is precious and sweet.
I’m thinking about Agape love again. Learning how to Agape love has been precious to me. As I strive to seek another’s highest good, I find a peace seeping deep into my soul. So, if I find someone who is foreign to me, I am able to still love, because I am seeking their highest good. I also don’t try to over compensate either. In my heart, I have a tendency to “be the nice guy” at any cost. In the past I have “prostituted” myself just to get a little love. God isn’t calling me to do that either. That is a comfort too.
At this point, my thoughts are: Is it time to have an attitude adjustment? Is it time to look differently at someone in your life and to treat them better?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
As I write this I am in MI, dealing with a cold and feeling very contemplative. I had a phrase bomb hit me again. My friend S calls them Bus Driver issues, whatever I am pondering something from my past that I have dealt with through the years. The phrase goes something like this, “I get over my mad quickly and move on.”
When I hear this statement, I am transported back in time. I am amazed at how quickly I can be sent back to another time. People will tell me this statement like it is a good thing. I usually don’t see it that way. I usually want to respond, “what about what was said to the other person.” I wonder if people who “get over” their mad understand that “what was said” may have wrecked havoc on the other person. Just because they have moved on I wonder if they realize that the other person may not have.
A while back a person felt the need to “set me straight.” They wrote not nice things about me, called me “warped,” stuff like that. Another part of this struggle is how to interact with those that have a need to “set you straight” when I am still stinging from harsh words And they have moved on And I haven’t. As I write I try hard to not mention names. I try hard to dig through the layers of life. We all live life and I may be the weirdest thing since sliced cheese, but you know what, I’m still human. As I share on this blog, my dream is to “help” to “point” people to the most wonderful gift that enables us to live this confusing thing called life. This gift of course is Jesus.
We know what we know. My life style is confusing to some people. To me though, it is what I know. As a Christian, I strive to open my heart to “every” type of person. Sometimes I “get it” and sometimes I don’t. My heart instantly goes out to women who struggle with abuse. I know it, understand it and I “feel” along with them. I’m not as adept with a “street” type person. I try, but I truly “don’t get it.”
So, just because I’ve never been a street person, does that mean, I’m better than them? I don’t think so. I don’t believe it gives me the right to talk down, to be rude or to feel superior, just because I’ve never been a street person.
Each year as I read through the Bible, I find that God tends to teach me. God has a heart for people. He wants us to reach out, to love, to help people live life. That’s the biggest lesson, I “hear.” God often admonishes us to reach the lost, the lonely, the hurting, the orphan and the widow.
I find one of the most comforting phrases in the Bible is “For God first loved us.” Through the years, that has helped me so much. As I have stated before, I have spent a life time of trying to find love. As I have gotten older, walked with the Lord, I’ve realized that I have felt unwanted a whole lot. With God’s love, I find that each day is precious and sweet.
I’m thinking about Agape love again. Learning how to Agape love has been precious to me. As I strive to seek another’s highest good, I find a peace seeping deep into my soul. So, if I find someone who is foreign to me, I am able to still love, because I am seeking their highest good. I also don’t try to over compensate either. In my heart, I have a tendency to “be the nice guy” at any cost. In the past I have “prostituted” myself just to get a little love. God isn’t calling me to do that either. That is a comfort too.
At this point, my thoughts are: Is it time to have an attitude adjustment? Is it time to look differently at someone in your life and to treat them better?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, June 11, 2010
June 12, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
One of the things I love about where we are at in Virginia is the openness out here. I take a walk pretty much each day. I generally walk to the dumpster to discard used cat litter then over to the to the mail box to pick up mail. I stop at E’s for a visit and then I walk the length of her property back to our house.
Sometimes when I walk out the front door I am greeted by Tiny. Tiny is a white 60 pound bundle of love. He visits us regularly. He likes helping Junior as he works in the yard. He loves to follow us as we walk the property, take a hike and he follows me to the dumpster and mail box. Tiny is friendly and very loveable. He has been known to “fall” into the river a time or two as well. I think he likes being playful. It is hard not to love him. He still is a dog though. He likes to chew the rungs of our rocker. W leaves a pair of shoes on his porch and Tiny has eaten them. We have a chair on the porch with a blanket. Many days the blanket is off the chair and other objects are strewn around on the porch and on the property. As I said, he is all dog.
Sometimes I am amazed at thoughts that seem to float into my brain. Later when I think about it, I can’t believe I’ve even entertained those thoughts. For a while Tiny’s owners weren’t able to feed him well. He was very thin. The couple that owned him has three very young children. Money was tight for them and feeding Tiny was a challenge. When Tiny appeared on our porch it was difficult to not feed him. We did. I think that’s why he comes for visits. He remembers that we fed him.
The young couple could not handle the expense of the home they were in and moved in with his parents who are in the area. Tiny still comes for visits and we love him very much. Tiny is a joy. We feel like we have a dog, even though he is not ours every day, all day.
As I was walking along one day, Tiny following me, this thought appeared out of nowhere. My thoughts went something like this. “I could put him in our truck. I could drive him over to my sister’s house. He could live with her and I know that Tiny would be well taken care of. The family won’t know what happened and Tiny would be in a warm comfortable home. He would be loved and cared for.”
I could not believe I entertained this thought. It is not something I would do. It is foreign to me to do something along those lines. I kept trying to justify my thoughts, making it “right” in my mind’s eye. I had a hard time shaking this thought too. I tried to think of other things, to let it go and the thought kept coming back.
One of the goals in my life is to do the right thing. I want to be a compassionate woman. I don’t want to see suffering and if I can, I’d like to make life better, even if it is for an animal. Still taking someone’s pet and giving it away is not the thing to do. Calling the pound, yes that would be ok in my thought process. Feeding Tiny is ok. Tiny has a lot of fur on him, so he can withstand the cold weather. He likes jumping into the river in the middle of the winter, so cold is not a problem for him. Since this family moved into the parent’s home, Tiny does not look underfed anymore. He looks healthy and even happy. So why did I entertain the thought of taking him to my sister? I still wonder why I would entertain stealing this dog.
I mentioned to Junior about the thoughts I had. I told him I was surprised by them. He told me that it was more than likely “Satan.” One of the names given to Satan is “deceiver.” He likes to pop a thought into your mind. He makes it seem innocent enough. Like me “rescuing” Tiny and giving him to my sister.
To be honest, I don’t fully understand Satan and how he works in our lives. I believe he exists and that we need to be wary of him. I also comprehend that he has a way of taking the “innocent” things and making them wrong, like me wanting to “rescue” Tiny.
As of this writing Tiny still comes for visits. He is precious and we love him a whole lot. Like I said it feels like we have a dog, even if we don’t own him. He comes often enough for visits and we love on him when he does visit. We tolerate his puppy ways of chewing, fussing at him, etc when we need to. We take walks and love when Tiny follows us in his big lumbering way. He even will follow the truck or Explorer as we pull out and down the road. Sometimes he even begins to trot after us.
Although we don’t see the family like we did when they were near us, I believe that the boys in this family must love Tiny. He is big enough to take the boys roughness. I bet Tiny even loves these boys. I am grateful that I did not act upon those thoughts I had. I am, grateful that somewhere in my spirit I heard God tell me not to “listen” to these thoughts or to act upon them.
As I close, I have a question. What in your thought life do you need to let go of?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
One of the things I love about where we are at in Virginia is the openness out here. I take a walk pretty much each day. I generally walk to the dumpster to discard used cat litter then over to the to the mail box to pick up mail. I stop at E’s for a visit and then I walk the length of her property back to our house.
Sometimes when I walk out the front door I am greeted by Tiny. Tiny is a white 60 pound bundle of love. He visits us regularly. He likes helping Junior as he works in the yard. He loves to follow us as we walk the property, take a hike and he follows me to the dumpster and mail box. Tiny is friendly and very loveable. He has been known to “fall” into the river a time or two as well. I think he likes being playful. It is hard not to love him. He still is a dog though. He likes to chew the rungs of our rocker. W leaves a pair of shoes on his porch and Tiny has eaten them. We have a chair on the porch with a blanket. Many days the blanket is off the chair and other objects are strewn around on the porch and on the property. As I said, he is all dog.
Sometimes I am amazed at thoughts that seem to float into my brain. Later when I think about it, I can’t believe I’ve even entertained those thoughts. For a while Tiny’s owners weren’t able to feed him well. He was very thin. The couple that owned him has three very young children. Money was tight for them and feeding Tiny was a challenge. When Tiny appeared on our porch it was difficult to not feed him. We did. I think that’s why he comes for visits. He remembers that we fed him.
The young couple could not handle the expense of the home they were in and moved in with his parents who are in the area. Tiny still comes for visits and we love him very much. Tiny is a joy. We feel like we have a dog, even though he is not ours every day, all day.
As I was walking along one day, Tiny following me, this thought appeared out of nowhere. My thoughts went something like this. “I could put him in our truck. I could drive him over to my sister’s house. He could live with her and I know that Tiny would be well taken care of. The family won’t know what happened and Tiny would be in a warm comfortable home. He would be loved and cared for.”
I could not believe I entertained this thought. It is not something I would do. It is foreign to me to do something along those lines. I kept trying to justify my thoughts, making it “right” in my mind’s eye. I had a hard time shaking this thought too. I tried to think of other things, to let it go and the thought kept coming back.
One of the goals in my life is to do the right thing. I want to be a compassionate woman. I don’t want to see suffering and if I can, I’d like to make life better, even if it is for an animal. Still taking someone’s pet and giving it away is not the thing to do. Calling the pound, yes that would be ok in my thought process. Feeding Tiny is ok. Tiny has a lot of fur on him, so he can withstand the cold weather. He likes jumping into the river in the middle of the winter, so cold is not a problem for him. Since this family moved into the parent’s home, Tiny does not look underfed anymore. He looks healthy and even happy. So why did I entertain the thought of taking him to my sister? I still wonder why I would entertain stealing this dog.
I mentioned to Junior about the thoughts I had. I told him I was surprised by them. He told me that it was more than likely “Satan.” One of the names given to Satan is “deceiver.” He likes to pop a thought into your mind. He makes it seem innocent enough. Like me “rescuing” Tiny and giving him to my sister.
To be honest, I don’t fully understand Satan and how he works in our lives. I believe he exists and that we need to be wary of him. I also comprehend that he has a way of taking the “innocent” things and making them wrong, like me wanting to “rescue” Tiny.
As of this writing Tiny still comes for visits. He is precious and we love him a whole lot. Like I said it feels like we have a dog, even if we don’t own him. He comes often enough for visits and we love on him when he does visit. We tolerate his puppy ways of chewing, fussing at him, etc when we need to. We take walks and love when Tiny follows us in his big lumbering way. He even will follow the truck or Explorer as we pull out and down the road. Sometimes he even begins to trot after us.
Although we don’t see the family like we did when they were near us, I believe that the boys in this family must love Tiny. He is big enough to take the boys roughness. I bet Tiny even loves these boys. I am grateful that I did not act upon those thoughts I had. I am, grateful that somewhere in my spirit I heard God tell me not to “listen” to these thoughts or to act upon them.
As I close, I have a question. What in your thought life do you need to let go of?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, June 4, 2010
June 5, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
I meet people who believe that because you are a Christian you automatically are “whole or right with God or even perfect.” It aint so. Being a Christian is a day to day walk. We grow from where we were when we first invited Jesus into our hearts. Sometimes we fall backwards and need to start over again. That’s the beauty of loving God. He knows how we are and that we need an assist as we go through life.
The main thing is we need to admit that we are sinners, flat out admit, which for me was a struggle. I justified my bad behavior. I blamed a bad childhood, an unhappy marriage etc. for all my faults. I had a hard time admitting that I contributed to problems in my life. I had a hard time admitting that I may even be the culprit that allowed struggles to enter and stay in my life.
As I have learned to give God my heart, I have found a love so deep and so wide that it amazes me. Sometimes I liken it to living water. Living water is not stagnant. It is continually moving and being refreshed. As I fall down in my walk, I am able to take my heart to the cross. I nail my struggle to that cross. As I give my struggle to the cross, I often find a way out of my bad behavior and soon peace floods me. Wow!!!
I am not the woman I was 13 years ago as I began to open my heart to Jesus. I was newly divorced, devastated and so sad. I at times wasn’t sure how I would go on. Face the people at work, at church as a divorced woman. As I opened my heart to God, I found myself entering new things. I was in counseling. I found Divorce Recovery. I was finding friends, slowly I was learning, I was not alone.
I liked that “I am not alone” feeling. The “I am not alone feeling” translates in to love for me. I finally had the attention I so desperately needed. The more attention I got from God, the more I learned to move outside of myself.
As I have walked with God and found that I could live in His love, I began to have a desire to love, even if love hurt from time to time. I am learning to Agape love others. The Greeks have several words that explain love. I am not good at all of this, but I will try. There is Philo love which is brotherly love. There is Eros love which is a sexual love. There is Agape love which is seeking the highest good for a person. There is one or two more, I’ve forgotten them. You get the idea.
When I am seeking another’s highest good, I find a wonderful sense of peace, joy deep in my heart. As I have let go of strongholds in my life, I find that I also want to reach outside of myself. When I have a stronghold going on in my life, I tend to dwell on that. I am hung up on “me” and I think about “me” and then I lose sight of the world around me.
My Dad’s polio taught me a few things, one of them being that someone always has life a little rougher than you. Junior’s growing up was crazier than mine. I marvel that our lives have so many similarities. Sometimes I think we are able to relate so well, is that we’ve walked a lot of the same roads. Still, I believe in my heart that as crazy as my childhood was, Junior’s was even wilder.
I believe we both reach a spot in our hearts for the other one. I believe we are able to move past the “past” because of Jesus. As we have learned to “let go, let God,” we’ve been able to overcome and to love. Our marriage is a comfortable friendship. We try to go to God first before each other. It seems the more I open my heart to God, the more I feel His love and then I am able to reach out and love as I am loved.
Now in the last few years I’ve struggled greatly with some relationships within my life. I hurt extremely badly. Many times God has hugged me so wonderfully. It was the porch, the time as I prayed and He told me to look up. I felt His hand lift my chin and Him talk to my eyes.
In my “other life” as I often tell people, I would get stuck and could not find a way past the pain. I’d curl up in the house, bed and try to “run” from the pain. With God, I am learning to look at that pain square in the face and when I am able to do that, I find myself moving forward, my chin up and facing life. Do I hurt, yes I do. With Jesus as my friend though, I am able to move through a whole lot.
As I have struggled in some of these relationship issues, I found myself going “backwards,” at times. I would revert to old behaviors. I wanted to beg and plead to be loved. It doesn’t work. It even makes those you are trying to reach angry.
God is so faithful. If I go to Him and ask for help, God provides. Sometimes Junior gives me one of his wonderful Junior hugs. Sometimes it is girlfriends to call. Sometimes it is a talk with a professional. Sometimes God takes me to the front porch and has me sit. It amazes me, how I find the help I need and the strength to move through life.
Again, I believe that being a Christian is a journey, one where you won’t arrive until heaven. It is a day to day, minute to minute way of life. Once you pray the sinner’s prayer does not mean you are made perfect. It does mean that each step brings you closer to that perfection. It is a process, a wonderful road to travel on. Jesus is the goal. He came in the flesh and taught us. He taught us from the Bible, the Old Testament and the New Testament teaches us “life” in Jesus.
So if you meet a Christian who isn’t perfect, please understand that they are on a precious journey and yes they may “sin” still life is better with Jesus than without Him.
What journey are you on? Have you thought about a walk with Jesus?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I meet people who believe that because you are a Christian you automatically are “whole or right with God or even perfect.” It aint so. Being a Christian is a day to day walk. We grow from where we were when we first invited Jesus into our hearts. Sometimes we fall backwards and need to start over again. That’s the beauty of loving God. He knows how we are and that we need an assist as we go through life.
The main thing is we need to admit that we are sinners, flat out admit, which for me was a struggle. I justified my bad behavior. I blamed a bad childhood, an unhappy marriage etc. for all my faults. I had a hard time admitting that I contributed to problems in my life. I had a hard time admitting that I may even be the culprit that allowed struggles to enter and stay in my life.
As I have learned to give God my heart, I have found a love so deep and so wide that it amazes me. Sometimes I liken it to living water. Living water is not stagnant. It is continually moving and being refreshed. As I fall down in my walk, I am able to take my heart to the cross. I nail my struggle to that cross. As I give my struggle to the cross, I often find a way out of my bad behavior and soon peace floods me. Wow!!!
I am not the woman I was 13 years ago as I began to open my heart to Jesus. I was newly divorced, devastated and so sad. I at times wasn’t sure how I would go on. Face the people at work, at church as a divorced woman. As I opened my heart to God, I found myself entering new things. I was in counseling. I found Divorce Recovery. I was finding friends, slowly I was learning, I was not alone.
I liked that “I am not alone” feeling. The “I am not alone feeling” translates in to love for me. I finally had the attention I so desperately needed. The more attention I got from God, the more I learned to move outside of myself.
As I have walked with God and found that I could live in His love, I began to have a desire to love, even if love hurt from time to time. I am learning to Agape love others. The Greeks have several words that explain love. I am not good at all of this, but I will try. There is Philo love which is brotherly love. There is Eros love which is a sexual love. There is Agape love which is seeking the highest good for a person. There is one or two more, I’ve forgotten them. You get the idea.
When I am seeking another’s highest good, I find a wonderful sense of peace, joy deep in my heart. As I have let go of strongholds in my life, I find that I also want to reach outside of myself. When I have a stronghold going on in my life, I tend to dwell on that. I am hung up on “me” and I think about “me” and then I lose sight of the world around me.
My Dad’s polio taught me a few things, one of them being that someone always has life a little rougher than you. Junior’s growing up was crazier than mine. I marvel that our lives have so many similarities. Sometimes I think we are able to relate so well, is that we’ve walked a lot of the same roads. Still, I believe in my heart that as crazy as my childhood was, Junior’s was even wilder.
I believe we both reach a spot in our hearts for the other one. I believe we are able to move past the “past” because of Jesus. As we have learned to “let go, let God,” we’ve been able to overcome and to love. Our marriage is a comfortable friendship. We try to go to God first before each other. It seems the more I open my heart to God, the more I feel His love and then I am able to reach out and love as I am loved.
Now in the last few years I’ve struggled greatly with some relationships within my life. I hurt extremely badly. Many times God has hugged me so wonderfully. It was the porch, the time as I prayed and He told me to look up. I felt His hand lift my chin and Him talk to my eyes.
In my “other life” as I often tell people, I would get stuck and could not find a way past the pain. I’d curl up in the house, bed and try to “run” from the pain. With God, I am learning to look at that pain square in the face and when I am able to do that, I find myself moving forward, my chin up and facing life. Do I hurt, yes I do. With Jesus as my friend though, I am able to move through a whole lot.
As I have struggled in some of these relationship issues, I found myself going “backwards,” at times. I would revert to old behaviors. I wanted to beg and plead to be loved. It doesn’t work. It even makes those you are trying to reach angry.
God is so faithful. If I go to Him and ask for help, God provides. Sometimes Junior gives me one of his wonderful Junior hugs. Sometimes it is girlfriends to call. Sometimes it is a talk with a professional. Sometimes God takes me to the front porch and has me sit. It amazes me, how I find the help I need and the strength to move through life.
Again, I believe that being a Christian is a journey, one where you won’t arrive until heaven. It is a day to day, minute to minute way of life. Once you pray the sinner’s prayer does not mean you are made perfect. It does mean that each step brings you closer to that perfection. It is a process, a wonderful road to travel on. Jesus is the goal. He came in the flesh and taught us. He taught us from the Bible, the Old Testament and the New Testament teaches us “life” in Jesus.
So if you meet a Christian who isn’t perfect, please understand that they are on a precious journey and yes they may “sin” still life is better with Jesus than without Him.
What journey are you on? Have you thought about a walk with Jesus?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, May 28, 2010
May 29, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
I have marveled at Junior right from the moment I met him in Divorce Recovery. He was a single father as he raised his daughter and that touched my heart. As I got to know Junior, I marveled even more.
Junior grew up in craziness not unlike mine yet it was even crazier. His mother died when he was 5. Junior’s Dad married again within months of his mother’s death. His Step Mom had a son a year older than Junior. The boys were dropped off at her father’s share crop farm and Junior’s Step Mom and Dad took off for a couple of years. When his Step Mom became pregnant, they came for the boys and began being a family.
For many years his dad was a migrant worker. His Dad was a migrant worker even though he had a college education. His Dad was a scoundrel. He found ways to cheat mainly family members and friends. He constantly moved his family because his deals went bad and people wanted to harm him.
Junior grew up, went into the Marine Corps. He was injured and discharged. Junior had a stressful job in the Marine Corps. When he was discharged, people were not nice to the service men back then. That coupled with the craziness of his childhood led Junior down a very scary path. He rode with motorcycle gangs and Junior was an enforcer. That is a scary man, way of life.
People see Junior as a sweet man. He has not always been such a sweet man. He has done things that I can’t even imagine. Junior likes to tell people Jesus and Paxil has changed him dramatically.
As I have lived along side of Junior I have marveled. He does not seem to go back to his “not nice” days and live in regret. I sometimes struggle with what I have done in my past. I have regret.
As I have watched Junior I find his walk with Jesus a marvel. Sometimes when Junior is sleeping I hear him talk in his sleep. He is praying. I marveled at that. Junior tries to touch Jesus all day, even in his sleep.
I am learning to talk to Jesus throughout the night. I begin to pray as I fall asleep. When I wake up, I pray some more and many mornings I pray as I wake up to start my day. It has taken me years to learn how to do that.
I have regrets. I was not a nice big sister. I was mean. I struggled with anger in my first marriage. I was angry at my husband, at my parents and the craziness of our family life. Our children grew up with a lot of fighting and violence. That makes me very sad.
I spent years and years in and out of counseling. I was searching for peace. To be honest true peace came as I accepted Jesus as my Savior. As I learn to walk with Jesus, I have learned to hear the Holy Spirit. He helps me grow away from my old life and all the regrets. I may not have been the best wife in my first marriage, the best mother etc.
God has taken me right where I was at and has helped transform me. At this point in my life, I accept the past as unpleasant as it was. I can’t change that. I wish I could, I can’t.
Since my marriage to Junior I have dealt with a lot of pain. As I started to live with my mother after my divorce, I was discovering more layers of my past that I had not dealt with. My mother died 13 months after I married Junior. About that time my daughter and I had a falling out. I have not really talked to her in almost 11 years. We had a brief moment and something else came between us, what I’m not sure. My son has moments where he is frustrated with me. We are talking less and less. To be honest all this hurts, hurts real bad. This baggage tends to make me keep looking at my past. I tend to feel bad, to hurt, sometimes I want to blame.
Junior keeps living his life. He is a content man. I marvel at him. I know a lot of his past, not a lot in other ways. I know enough, that he has done some mean things, some immoral things etc. Junior gets up each day and lives a very quiet and content life. I love hearing his movements as I wake up. I love watching him wander around as he works outside or in the basement which is outside and underneath the house. I watch Junior love Jesus. I see it in the way he tries to ask Jesus about decisions he needs to make. I see it as he attempts to tithe. I see it as he attempts to love me. He is not lost in his past. He lives now and each day is a new beginning. Junior because of his past tends to close doors and don’t look back. I marvel at that as well. Me, I want to open that door, to try ONE more time and all I do is aggravate people. I need to let go and move on.
I believe the reason I have the measure of peace I do have is because I know Jesus loves me. I pray sometimes, Lord Jesus, “You are the light in my heart and the hope in my soul. You are my bread of life and cup of salvation.” Sometimes I see a flashlight shining inside of my heart. I believe Jesus is looking at the deep recesses in my heart. Sometimes it seems like the light will land someplace and I sense Jesus is saying, that, I need you to work on that. As I begin to work on that struggle, I start to find a peace in my spirit. I am learning to let go of a stronghold. I am learning also that I am loved. For me that helps a whole lot. Jesus does not give up on me.
This love is a marvel to me. I am used to being rejected when I do something wrong. I am used to beating myself up because I should have….. With Jesus though, I am accepted right where I am at. He loves me. When I am loved, then I have more courage. I can look at my flaws. I can because Jesus won’t leave me or God won’t forsake me. With this love, I am able to move forward, not look back and become…. For me my “becoming” is learning to Agape love. I am trying to seek the highest good with whomever I am relationship with. Some people are “prickly pears,” and that is ok. It is ok because Jesus loves me and He won’t leave me.
Is there a “stronghold” you need to let go of? Have you tried Jesus? It might be the most healing thing you could do in your life. Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I have marveled at Junior right from the moment I met him in Divorce Recovery. He was a single father as he raised his daughter and that touched my heart. As I got to know Junior, I marveled even more.
Junior grew up in craziness not unlike mine yet it was even crazier. His mother died when he was 5. Junior’s Dad married again within months of his mother’s death. His Step Mom had a son a year older than Junior. The boys were dropped off at her father’s share crop farm and Junior’s Step Mom and Dad took off for a couple of years. When his Step Mom became pregnant, they came for the boys and began being a family.
For many years his dad was a migrant worker. His Dad was a migrant worker even though he had a college education. His Dad was a scoundrel. He found ways to cheat mainly family members and friends. He constantly moved his family because his deals went bad and people wanted to harm him.
Junior grew up, went into the Marine Corps. He was injured and discharged. Junior had a stressful job in the Marine Corps. When he was discharged, people were not nice to the service men back then. That coupled with the craziness of his childhood led Junior down a very scary path. He rode with motorcycle gangs and Junior was an enforcer. That is a scary man, way of life.
People see Junior as a sweet man. He has not always been such a sweet man. He has done things that I can’t even imagine. Junior likes to tell people Jesus and Paxil has changed him dramatically.
As I have lived along side of Junior I have marveled. He does not seem to go back to his “not nice” days and live in regret. I sometimes struggle with what I have done in my past. I have regret.
As I have watched Junior I find his walk with Jesus a marvel. Sometimes when Junior is sleeping I hear him talk in his sleep. He is praying. I marveled at that. Junior tries to touch Jesus all day, even in his sleep.
I am learning to talk to Jesus throughout the night. I begin to pray as I fall asleep. When I wake up, I pray some more and many mornings I pray as I wake up to start my day. It has taken me years to learn how to do that.
I have regrets. I was not a nice big sister. I was mean. I struggled with anger in my first marriage. I was angry at my husband, at my parents and the craziness of our family life. Our children grew up with a lot of fighting and violence. That makes me very sad.
I spent years and years in and out of counseling. I was searching for peace. To be honest true peace came as I accepted Jesus as my Savior. As I learn to walk with Jesus, I have learned to hear the Holy Spirit. He helps me grow away from my old life and all the regrets. I may not have been the best wife in my first marriage, the best mother etc.
God has taken me right where I was at and has helped transform me. At this point in my life, I accept the past as unpleasant as it was. I can’t change that. I wish I could, I can’t.
Since my marriage to Junior I have dealt with a lot of pain. As I started to live with my mother after my divorce, I was discovering more layers of my past that I had not dealt with. My mother died 13 months after I married Junior. About that time my daughter and I had a falling out. I have not really talked to her in almost 11 years. We had a brief moment and something else came between us, what I’m not sure. My son has moments where he is frustrated with me. We are talking less and less. To be honest all this hurts, hurts real bad. This baggage tends to make me keep looking at my past. I tend to feel bad, to hurt, sometimes I want to blame.
Junior keeps living his life. He is a content man. I marvel at him. I know a lot of his past, not a lot in other ways. I know enough, that he has done some mean things, some immoral things etc. Junior gets up each day and lives a very quiet and content life. I love hearing his movements as I wake up. I love watching him wander around as he works outside or in the basement which is outside and underneath the house. I watch Junior love Jesus. I see it in the way he tries to ask Jesus about decisions he needs to make. I see it as he attempts to tithe. I see it as he attempts to love me. He is not lost in his past. He lives now and each day is a new beginning. Junior because of his past tends to close doors and don’t look back. I marvel at that as well. Me, I want to open that door, to try ONE more time and all I do is aggravate people. I need to let go and move on.
I believe the reason I have the measure of peace I do have is because I know Jesus loves me. I pray sometimes, Lord Jesus, “You are the light in my heart and the hope in my soul. You are my bread of life and cup of salvation.” Sometimes I see a flashlight shining inside of my heart. I believe Jesus is looking at the deep recesses in my heart. Sometimes it seems like the light will land someplace and I sense Jesus is saying, that, I need you to work on that. As I begin to work on that struggle, I start to find a peace in my spirit. I am learning to let go of a stronghold. I am learning also that I am loved. For me that helps a whole lot. Jesus does not give up on me.
This love is a marvel to me. I am used to being rejected when I do something wrong. I am used to beating myself up because I should have….. With Jesus though, I am accepted right where I am at. He loves me. When I am loved, then I have more courage. I can look at my flaws. I can because Jesus won’t leave me or God won’t forsake me. With this love, I am able to move forward, not look back and become…. For me my “becoming” is learning to Agape love. I am trying to seek the highest good with whomever I am relationship with. Some people are “prickly pears,” and that is ok. It is ok because Jesus loves me and He won’t leave me.
Is there a “stronghold” you need to let go of? Have you tried Jesus? It might be the most healing thing you could do in your life. Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, May 21, 2010
May 23, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
As much as I try to walk away from old habits, I find myself falling back into them from time to time. About the time I think I’ve conquered old pattern’s I am once more dealing with them. My friend D was one of several people who listened as I waded through my emotions. I was shocked that I had allowed myself to enter into a relationship of being controlled yet again.
D gave me a wonderful word picture that helped me tremendously. She told me about a familiar story. She talked about a frog. The frog if placed in cool water to begin with will not jump out of a pot as the water begins to boil. The frog will die because it is complacent and won’t jump out of the hot water when the water gets hot.
I had entered into to this relationship with an unsuspecting heart. I felt wrong when the wrongs were pointed out to me. I tried to live “at peace” with this person, trying to change my ways. I also felt the sting of this person’s caustic comments. When I reviewed the problem in my heart, I found that I understood some of the frustration the person felt. I then tried to correct the wrong, only to find I did not do it right again.
One thing led to another and very harsh words were exchanged. Very hurtful words were exchanged. For me, I had finally lost it. Just before the heated exchange, I realized I was never going to make this person happy. I started pulling away, going over for visits less often etc. As my eyes began to be open to the behavior pattern, I found that I had allowed this relationship to go on for too long.
I was shocked because I did not see the relationship for what it was, very unhealthy. How in the world did I do this again? It is not like I enter into this type of relationship very often if hardly ever anymore and here I was again in the middle of this anger cycle. The last few years I have learned that we don’t entirely walk away from old patterns. I learned that in my Survivor’s of Abuse group. So now I need to let go once more.
Again D’s story plays out in my mind. I was in comfortable water and as the water heated up, I stayed and when it began to boil – the anger boiled over, I found myself entrenched in a problem that I struggled to figure how to get out of “nicely.”I did not get out “nicely” though, so there are hurt feelings on both of our parts.
I had to call the “girlfriends” to work my way out of the “pit” of despair. Thank God for girlfriends. For me I need to “talk” my way through the struggle. In talking I begin to see where I went astray. I learn how to be more aware in the future as well. The girlfriends also show me love. They show me that I am worthwhile. That helps me a whole lot. These days I don’t struggle and feel depressed for weeks on end. I feel God’s love in these precious friends and that helps me move forward, not backward. Gone are the weeks, months of despair that I once knew.
Last year I did struggle longer than usual. When I found myself not able to move forward a few weeks with my Minister helped me tremendously. I keep hoping that I never ever feel the depression of years ago when I was a young mother, a teenager. That depression could last for months, probably for years.
Again, I believe my faith journey with Jesus helps me so much. The minute I feel despair these days, I find that Jesus makes me feel wanted. I sense Him helping me to “see” what I need to do. I also sense He is near me, holding me so tenderly. Often times I hear Scripture like, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” Another versus that helps me a lot is “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not harm you.” Yet another versus says, “For God first loved us.” After reflecting on versus like that or out on the porch watching nature yet again, I find peace entering my soul.
So I move forward once more. I will make more mistakes. The comforting thing for me is down deep, I know that my despair won’t last like it did years ago. One of my prayers is, “Holy Spirit, open my eyes and heart to the love, the will, the desire of the Father. Weave it into the fabric of my being so that every fiber will bring honor and glory to the Father.” As I learn to give each day and each part of the day to God, I find a peace living within me.
Again, I am reminded that life in the Lord is a journey, not a destination. I am also comforted that I am going to make mistakes and God isn’t going to give up on me. This truly helps me to keep on going when life has its ups and downs.
Again I ask where your hope is. Do you have hope? What do you do when you get those curve balls in life? Do you drink? Do you do drugs, have sex? Is it time to meet Jesus?
May God Bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
As much as I try to walk away from old habits, I find myself falling back into them from time to time. About the time I think I’ve conquered old pattern’s I am once more dealing with them. My friend D was one of several people who listened as I waded through my emotions. I was shocked that I had allowed myself to enter into a relationship of being controlled yet again.
D gave me a wonderful word picture that helped me tremendously. She told me about a familiar story. She talked about a frog. The frog if placed in cool water to begin with will not jump out of a pot as the water begins to boil. The frog will die because it is complacent and won’t jump out of the hot water when the water gets hot.
I had entered into to this relationship with an unsuspecting heart. I felt wrong when the wrongs were pointed out to me. I tried to live “at peace” with this person, trying to change my ways. I also felt the sting of this person’s caustic comments. When I reviewed the problem in my heart, I found that I understood some of the frustration the person felt. I then tried to correct the wrong, only to find I did not do it right again.
One thing led to another and very harsh words were exchanged. Very hurtful words were exchanged. For me, I had finally lost it. Just before the heated exchange, I realized I was never going to make this person happy. I started pulling away, going over for visits less often etc. As my eyes began to be open to the behavior pattern, I found that I had allowed this relationship to go on for too long.
I was shocked because I did not see the relationship for what it was, very unhealthy. How in the world did I do this again? It is not like I enter into this type of relationship very often if hardly ever anymore and here I was again in the middle of this anger cycle. The last few years I have learned that we don’t entirely walk away from old patterns. I learned that in my Survivor’s of Abuse group. So now I need to let go once more.
Again D’s story plays out in my mind. I was in comfortable water and as the water heated up, I stayed and when it began to boil – the anger boiled over, I found myself entrenched in a problem that I struggled to figure how to get out of “nicely.”I did not get out “nicely” though, so there are hurt feelings on both of our parts.
I had to call the “girlfriends” to work my way out of the “pit” of despair. Thank God for girlfriends. For me I need to “talk” my way through the struggle. In talking I begin to see where I went astray. I learn how to be more aware in the future as well. The girlfriends also show me love. They show me that I am worthwhile. That helps me a whole lot. These days I don’t struggle and feel depressed for weeks on end. I feel God’s love in these precious friends and that helps me move forward, not backward. Gone are the weeks, months of despair that I once knew.
Last year I did struggle longer than usual. When I found myself not able to move forward a few weeks with my Minister helped me tremendously. I keep hoping that I never ever feel the depression of years ago when I was a young mother, a teenager. That depression could last for months, probably for years.
Again, I believe my faith journey with Jesus helps me so much. The minute I feel despair these days, I find that Jesus makes me feel wanted. I sense Him helping me to “see” what I need to do. I also sense He is near me, holding me so tenderly. Often times I hear Scripture like, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” Another versus that helps me a lot is “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not harm you.” Yet another versus says, “For God first loved us.” After reflecting on versus like that or out on the porch watching nature yet again, I find peace entering my soul.
So I move forward once more. I will make more mistakes. The comforting thing for me is down deep, I know that my despair won’t last like it did years ago. One of my prayers is, “Holy Spirit, open my eyes and heart to the love, the will, the desire of the Father. Weave it into the fabric of my being so that every fiber will bring honor and glory to the Father.” As I learn to give each day and each part of the day to God, I find a peace living within me.
Again, I am reminded that life in the Lord is a journey, not a destination. I am also comforted that I am going to make mistakes and God isn’t going to give up on me. This truly helps me to keep on going when life has its ups and downs.
Again I ask where your hope is. Do you have hope? What do you do when you get those curve balls in life? Do you drink? Do you do drugs, have sex? Is it time to meet Jesus?
May God Bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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