September 19, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

The move is done. I was talking to a friend on the phone. This friend loves me and has helped me face life through the years. Friends have been concerned about me this past year and have tried to lovingly get me on track. I am grateful for this love.

The sense of failure has been wandering around my brain. To me success was a fancy career, adult children who revered you, a nicer than nice home in a nicer than nice community and an ability to travel. To be honest, I had not felt like I had arrived anywhere at all. My kids don’t like me. That to me means, I did a poor job raising them. Even though there were two of us – I guess I was willing to take the full blame. I had a decent career – not fancy. Actually, I chose to not work a lot of overtime because I wanted to be home with the kids, take Grandma shopping on Saturdays and stuff like that. I took the kids to their activities and at the time felt like I was connecting with them. I tried to attend their functions as much as I could.

I became a grandparent. I loved it. Two of the three grandchildren often spent a night at our house. We had tea parties. We let Andrew dig for buried treasure in our backyard. We read a children’s Bible to them at night. We prayed with them. We loved them. When we were going to move, I asked if the kids could come down for a week – no. That sense of failure struck me again.

With the move to Virginia, I am allowing myself to “let go.” We have a little house. The wonderful scenery is so freeing, relaxing etc. The pace out here is slower. People aren’t as quick to judge us. That feels wonderful. Emma, I fell in love with her – rather quickly for me. There are little ones around here – I sense that my grandmother need will find an outlet.

My friend shared how much she respected me. She feels that I have done a lot with my life. That surprised me. She has a “career”. She lives in a VERY nice house in a Very nice neighborhood. So, I was surprised when she told me that she respects me and finds that I have overcome a lot. I felt that she was “looking up” to me. That felt weird but wonderful at the same time.

God again amazed me. He knows me. He knew I needed a boost – some help. My friend was home when I called. We talked an hour and a half. Like the “old” days. I found myself wanting to cry tears of relief, joy. This is a woman, I love, I cherish and I found out again that she truly loves me – all of me – the parts that sometimes struggles with her identity. This woman saw my struggle many months ago. She pulled Junior aside and told him so. He has taken her advice and tried to bring me out of the struggles I have had this past year.

Again I marvel at God’s provision. He knew I needed help. He kept placing people in my path to help me along the way. I also sense God saying to me, “Janet, you are precious.” That feels good too. If my kids don’t like me – that’s their choice. I can’t do anything about that. Junior and I have enough money to do what we want – that’s great too. So if no one is impressed – really that’s okay. We can pay our bills. We can travel. That is a lot. Again I find myself grateful for Emma. She is a blessing. I’ve met Debbie and her two boys. I’ve met Lisa and her little one. I feel like I can fit in with these women. We have a church that is welcoming us – a huge blessing. My sister loves on me, her girls love on me – and once more I sense that I truly am precious.

My sister has been trying to help me get past this hurt. The nieces too and my friend was able to put into words, what I needed to hear. Again, I marvel at God. He gives me people to love, to be loved by. He truly knows what I need. So, I face the day because God first loved me – ME even when I feel unlovable. He tells me again that I am a loveable person. That feels great.

I am not a failure – that one I find truly amazing. I am precious – that feels good too. I am able to go forward and face yet another day. Praise the Lord.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

September 12, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

As I write this, it is our last hours in our Redford home:

Another chapter of my life is closing. We are going to leave our Redford home in a little bit and another person will be moving in – renting it for now. I have wandered around this home a few times and memories come – not like I thought, but still I have remembered a little bit.

Junior has made living with him a safe endeavor. In my prayers lately as I get to thanking God, I try to thank Him each day that I have a home to live in. I must admit for a good portion of my life I feared being displaced and having no home to live in. For most of my life I have lived in fear within the homes I have lived in. I remember living in fear at home as a child. Dad told me often that he “gave” up on me. Dad was always pounding on someone – my sister mostly. Mom was always leaving to be away from home, from us. She found it easier to volunteer than to be home with us. It is a habit I picked up in my first marriage.

I was afraid too as an adult. Money was always tight in my first marriage. I was afraid that we would lose our home. I was afraid of my first husband. Home and fear that’s what I knew and lived with.

When I married Junior, I walked into his house and for the first time in my life, I felt safe. It is strange because I only knew Junior for 5 months before we got married and I felt safe with him.

As I prayed my prayers of thanks to God, I began to realize I am going into the third home where I have felt safe. I also marvel that all the years that I worried about being homeless, I have never been homeless. I realize again that God is watching out after me.

So, I stroll around the empty house. There is the plug that Junior put in, it is in the hallway and when I vacuumed the carpet, I never needed to unplug the cord. In our bedrooms Junior redid the closet doors – he made pocket doors so the doors would slide into the wall instead of out in the way. Junior, I smile he made holes in the one closet so that our cats could come from another room and the bedroom door could be closed. On the landing, Junior made a special spot to hang up jackets. That’s the hard part about moving – the special things that made our home unique.

Outside there are our marks as well. Junior has done the gardening for the last few years. Again, I see his style, his mark and I will miss them. In the new home, I am sure that we will have our new mark – for now though, I say good-bye.

In a few short hours, we will leave to truly live in Virginia, no more a home in Michigan and a home in Virginia. It is time to go into the community and grow where we are at. My heart asks God again, “What is our purpose in Virginia? What work are we to do?”

In a year, we will try to sell our home again. Hopefully, we won’t have to take money to the closing like we would if we sold now. Hopefully, we can get a little profit – that would be nice.

As I say good-bye, I pray. I pray for the lady who will be renting our home. I pray for us as we settle in Virginia. I pray that I will also remember this home and the wonderful lessons and moments we had here. The memories come again. Five years ago, Junior retired – back problems. I had cancer. This home was a comfort during that time. Oh, the first year we were here – Mom died. I remember that time as well. We welcomed our beautiful grandchildren here. We had tea parties and Andrew and Papa dug out in the yard for buried treasures.

It is time to say good-bye. It is time to let go. It is time to make new memories in a new home.

May God Bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

September 5, 20 009

Greetings My Friend,

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions. Moves tend to lend themselves to that feeling. Moving to a new state has heightened my emotions too. Gone are all my old standards and here are all new ways.

Again, I struggled with my children not wanting me. This time I saw in my mind’s eye some new things. Because my childhood family was so small and I did not know a lot of the relatives, I was related too – I found comfort in family objects. As I placed these objects in my home, I found a sense of continuity. I had a sense of belonging, a sense of “family.”

I have an antique traveling trunk. It was Grandpa’s first wife’s trunk. She died leaving Grandpa with a “retarded” child (my guess is she was Down’s syndrome – although I don’t know what her diagnosis would be in today’s terms). I have a gate leg table – it was Grandma’s and Grandpa’s, they bought it used in 1928 for $5.00. I have a wall of pictures – Grandma as a little girl with her Dad and siblings – her mother died when she was 7, there is a picture of her parents, and a picture of Grandpa’s parents. Mom and Dad bought a hutch – a cheap hutch when they were getting back on their feet after polio. Each time I look at the hutch, I remember and I find I treasure even this piece of furniture. These objects have been a part of my home for years and years. When I walk by them, I feel like I have “family”, roots.

I also remembered some other moments. I remembered how my ex-husband would tell my children that they were Polish and French – he discounted my heritage – German, Irish and English. I also remembered that there were times I wanted to run from my family. I wanted to NOT be like my parents. I did not want to be angry like Dad. I did not want to be like Mom either – she was always mad. I remembered that until I went into counseling the only feeling word I knew was, “That made me mad.” Counseling taught me that I could be sad, mad, glad etc.

We have way too much furniture for the house in Haysi. As I started to think about what I wanted to keep, I had a desire to give some of my pieces of “history” to my children. At that point the blue funk hit. I found myself telling God. I found myself near tears, only they would not come out. I also “heard” God tell me to not store up treasures on earth. Still the funk was not lifting. I prayed, I struggled and the funk was not leaving.

We had gone back to Michigan. I went to Celebrate Recovery. Boy was I glad to be with “friends.” It felt good to be with the familiar again. I talked about my intense sadness. Usually my mood will lift with a telling, a talking it out loud. It did not go away this time. I went home, prayed again and went to sleep. I woke up and tried to stay in bed. At one point I realized if I did not do something “soon” I was headed for a deep depression. I called the church – the minister’s were at lunch. Then I called an old friend – She has known the sting of a child not wanting to be in her life. I found myself coming out of my funk. My Celebrate Recovery Leader called me. We talked – she understood my struggle – she has walked the road I’ve been on. I talked to another friend from where I used to work. That did the trick, I found myself perking up again.

God placed these women in my path at a time I truly needed them. I always marvel at God’s provision. I needed to talk and to retell my struggle more than one time. God gave me that opportunity.

As I came out of my funk, I began to come up with ideas on how to deal with the “family” treasures. I will ask the nieces if they want some. If not, then I can always donate these pieces, someone will treasure them. I may even write up a “bio” and tape it to the item so the story can be passed on.

I also began to appreciate God telling me not to store up treasures on earth. Lately, I find myself longing for heaven. I don’t have a death wish, still, heaven sounds more and more inviting as the years go on. I ponder when the end will truly come and eternity will begin. In heaven there will be no tears, no sickness, and no death. Wow! I can deal with that thought. I also don’t worry about being bored. I believe in my heart that we will have work to do and it will be rewarding.

So, I get up, face the day. Again I am grateful for Jesus. I have something to live for and that makes life so much sweeter.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

August 29, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I am in a reflective process again. August, I was born in August so I reflect as I celebrate another year of life. I started writing this blog one year ago in August. I want to start writing a book soon – As I write this it is July, my goal is start in August.

As I read scripture, I see consistently where God points to remembering. He teaches us to remember Him, what He has done in our lives etc. Many of the Psalms are a remembrance of how God approached Abraham, took the Israelites out of Egypt etc.

As a woman, I tend to get historical when I fight. It’s not fair. I remember what happened years ago like it was only yesterday. I don’t think God wants me to be historical though. The more I walk with Him, the more I believe I am called to remember how God has helped me.

After my divorce, I went to a Divorce Workshop. We were taught to forgive. That was a hard moment for me. I was angry, hurt, and felt justified in that anger. I met a woman though, shortly after I married Junior. She was his neighbor and she had been divorced for 7 years at the time of my marriage to Junior. She was VERY angry. She relived many scenes of what happened in her marriage. I had thought she was recently divorced – no it was seven years prior. At that point I did not want to be that angry for that long. This lady was held hostage by her anger and had a hard time moving on.

I asked God to teach me how to forgive. I learned in the process, that forgiveness doesn’t always happen in one fell swoop. It is often a process that needs to be gone through. If I allowed God to guide me through it though, I began to find peace.

As the years have passed, I have learned to look back at where I was and where I am now. In my other life, I cried a whole lot. Many times in frustration, I found myself striking back. I had a mean mouth, I threw things, and I even tried to hit my ex.

Today, I don’t have that anger anymore. I don’t slam doors, scream, strike out or cry. God has taught me how to “let go, let God.”

I am not as moody as I once was. That is a huge relief. I don’t give into drama anymore and to be honest, I am a more content woman. I have learned from the marriage seminars that people in general are, “good willed.” It may come out weird, but no harm was really meant. So now I automatically assume that what I might perceive as an affront generally is not meant to be one.

Through the act of remembering, I see God’s hand on me. I see where I once was and where I am today. I am at peace – most days. I can accept that my children are angry with me – I don’t like it, but I can accept it. I can deal with Junior being extremely tired from moving and short with me, this too shall pass.

As I go through my thoughts about remembering, I also find I get reflective throughout the year. January, that’s Mom and Dad’s anniversary, Mike’s birthday and Grandma’s birthday month. March is Irene’s birthday month, Mom and Dad died in April, and the remembrances come throughout the year. I find that as a familiar date hits I tend to think about the person for a season. As years go by, I tend to think about them at the anniversaries and not all year, every day. I dealt with my anger with my Dad before he died. It was wonderful to be able to hold him as he took his final breath and not be bitter. Mom, I am working through issues and it is harder when they are gone. Still, I find myself letting go more and more. My children’s anger, that still hurts – not as bad as at first, but it still hurts. In that I find that God holds me so tenderly and helps me to overcome.

God reminds me often of who I DO have in my life. My sister, she is a joy, my nieces, my longtime friends, my new friends down here and the list goes on. He reminds me to look out the window and I find myself drinking in the scenes. When I am hurting – God comforts me.

As I face new struggles, God reminds me of times past – where He has provided for me. As I remember – I find strength, courage to face life.

When I first found out that I had cancer, God gave me a saying and I believe it helped me move from despair to hope. “Today, I cry.” I believe God was telling me to go ahead and feel the grief, the emotional pain, but I will need to move on. He helped me face cancer. I knew from the start that I would not die. Still, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

Again, I remember. I am learning to see where God has held me tenderly and He will help me face the struggles that I will face again. I keep learning that I need to look back in order to face today. As I learn to look back though, I find that I look to see where God has helped me. I have hope because I love Jesus and in it I find great comfort, strength.

It is a question I have asked a few times recently, but I believe it bears repeating, “Where is Your Hope?”

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

August 22, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

One of the first things I learned from the re-marriage workshops and Divorce Recovery sessions I attended was that “Divorce” is not a word to be used inside of marriage.

It is so freeing to know that Junior and I refuse to divorce. We have committed to this and I find that I can work through the struggles of marriage, even when I can’t see eye to eye with Junior.

When we were first dating and falling in love, we saw our similarities. I marveled at them, we both like dark chicken meat the most. We like to travel. Church – wow – we both want to be in church each week. We don’t even discuss church – we automatically get up and go. We have so many similarities – we love to dance, it is exciting to me.

We both don’t have a need to argue all the time. We share so many values that we don’t fight very often. I was so tired of fighting in my previous relationship that I did not want to argue all the time anymore. Junior did not have a need to argue either. I love it.

Still when you have two people come together there will be those moments where you can’t relate, each of you would handle a situation differently. I am a planner. I want an agenda and a time frame. I need it like I need air. Junior does not need an agenda; he can live off the cuff, moment to moment quite well.

We are excited to be in Virginia. We believe we are where God wants us to be. We both love our “small” home. We both love the wonderful scenery that surrounds us each and every day.

That being said, we are struggling with the actual “move” process. As I stated earlier, I like an agenda, a time frame. Junior does not care for agendas. My energy level is not where I want it to be. I am frustrated because I tend to need several days to regroup with each trip back and forth. Junior is patient with me, he accepts my limitations. I am impatient because I know at one point I could do the back and forth better. Junior likes to travel late in the afternoon. I would prefer to get up and leave early. Since Junior is doing the brunt of the driving, I believe we need to operate on his preferences.

So far we have made at least 6 trips back to Michigan. Our trip is at least 10 hours one way and longer if we pull over and go to sleep. We are tired – extremely tired. We are ready to live in Virginia, to stay there and become part of the community.

We are starting to be short with each other. We want the other to understand our personal needs for traveling – me, I want a clear cut agenda, Junior wants to go and come as he wants too.

The comforting thing is we are committed to making our marriage work. We are not going to give up on each other, call it quits because some of the glow is gone right now. I know, that I know, that I know that we will be best friends again. We are going to enjoy each other and our lives. So for a season, we struggle. Soon, though, we will love the life we will have, our friendship and of course loving Jesus as if He was our Savior.

As I write this, we have at least one more trip. Thank God! We are starting to see an end to all the traveling. I am excited because soon, we will start putting our home in final order – the mess will soon be gone. Yeah! Next we will truly begin living in our new community. We both feel that the true new life is about to begin. Our friendship will come back and I am grateful. Life with Junior and true friendship – well, that’s icing on the cake for me and I am looking forward to being more settled.

I am grateful to know that Junior won’t give up on me or our marriage. In another life, I did not know this sense of security or love.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

August 15, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I keep thinking about love. I have been able to move out of emotional pain and despair when I know I have been loved. I have so much more courage and I can face day to day life when I know that I am loved. Love has set me free in so many wonderful ways. When I am loved, I have courage and I can face the hard parts of life.

When my children were small, I wanted to run from life. I wanted to sleep all day, every day. I remember having a fight with a friend and afterward, I wanted to never leave my house. My house felt like a big warm fuzzy blanket and I wanted to wrap myself up in my house.

As I went through divorce, I felt unwanted and unloved again. This time though, I began to pray. When I met Junior, he taught me to turn to God. I had always believed that God existed, I had not figured out how to talk to God. Junior showed me how to talk to God, to trust God.

Junior was not a nice person at one point in his life. He was a scary man. When I met Junior, he had been walking with the Lord for many years. Even today, Junior can appear to be a gruff kind of guy and he is able to shut doors when people won’t accept him. The Junior I love, the Junior I know – loves God unashamedly. He has no problem telling people that they are headed for hell if they won’t accept Jesus.

I have seen this rough guy be so tender. He has a very compassionate heart. He can be so tender with me. I am amazed at Junior’s tenderness. I can also see Junior be straight forward in his comments. Junior to me is a wonderful mix of a man.

I look to Junior to lead me. I feel safe with Junior’s leadership in my life. I trust Junior as I have never trusted anyone else.

As I prayed after my divorce, I began to ask God to put me in a good relationship, to be with a man who took his faith “seriously.” Junior takes his faith seriously and I love it.

As I began to open my heart to God, I was finding love. I was riding the stationary bike one time. I was reading my Bible and praying. I was so sad, my daughter was rejecting me. She was angry at me and I did not know why. I hurt SO badly! I felt God tell me to lift my eyes. It was like He was telling me, “Look up.” As I did I almost felt God’s hand on my chin. He was holding me tenderly and telling me that He loved me. Wow! I had never felt that kind of love before.

The more I allowed myself to “feel” God’s love, the more I wanted to love others – even when it hurt.

Junior and I made a commitment to attend as many marriage seminars as possible. We grew up in dysfunction. We both had not married well the first time. We did not want a repeat of our first marriage. Even though we were not happy, divorce did not feel good either. We wanted to allow God to be the center of our marriage of our lives.

As I came to accept Junior’s love, I learned that men were alike in many ways. I also learned that “men” did have feelings. Men did feel pain. My experience was that “men” were tough – and they are, I learned that they did not feel emotional pain or physical pain. Junior taught me that they indeed felt both.

I began to marvel at God’s creation of a man. Men have muscles. They are able to lift heavy objects and it is not a real problem. Men can do physical labor and they don’t tire as quickly as I do – a woman. Men are able to talk to each other in what a woman would consider mean ways. They call each other “ugly.”

God blessed me with two children. I raised a daughter and a son. When my son came along, I began to see that boys ARE different than girls. They come out of the womb ready to tackle the world. They are fearless. My daughter wanted to jump out of her crib. She was cautious. She threw out her pillow and stuffed animals first. Then she jumped out of the crib – onto a soft padding. When my son was able to jump out of the crib – he just hopped out – no soft landing.

My son made loud noises. My daughter played quietly. My son loved to pull me in the wagon. My daughter liked being pulled. I had learned through the years that boys like to be rough and girls liked to be tender.

As I go along in my marriage, I am finding that I feel loved when Junior is tender. I love to be held, talked to softly. I find that Junior feels loved when I notice what a hard worker he is. He loves it when I enjoy his muscles. Junior loves it when I watch him work. I love it when Junior will go shopping with me – the department store type of shopping. Junior likes to go to Home Depot and he likes when I go with him.

What I find is an act of love – Junior does not find it as exciting as I do. He does things because he knows that I like them. With Junior, going to Home Depot has become fun. I catch him playing with power tools. He gets excited over guns. I don’t. I have come to love going “man” shopping because, Junior will “girl” shop with me.

I find that men feel loved in a different way than women. When Junior is working, he loves for me to come and sit and watch him work. I just talk to him. He also loves it when I notice his “work.” He likes me to comment positively on it.

As I learn how to blend into Junior, I find again the one fleshness. We are different. When we come together, we become one. I compliment Junior. I am his helpmate and you know what? It feels good.

How are you making the men in your life feel loved? Dose love always have to be what you want? Do you try to find ways to love your husband, son, brother, man in your life in ways that feel good to him?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

August 8, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

Love has been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about love a whole lot lately. Sometimes I marvel at how powerful love really is. “For God so loved the world that gave his only son, that whoever should believe in him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

I still find myself having a “talk” with my mother, even though she has been dead for years now. We were talking about our faith. For some reason, I have always been intrigued with the Crucifix. It is a Catholics symbol to remember Jesus. I was raised Presbyterian. My mother rolled her shoulders, sat up rigidly straight and in her “Gertrude” way she said, “Janet, we worship the risen Christ!”

To be honest, I began to understand my faith and grow in it when I started to look at the cross. When I looked, I saw so much. I also learned how Jesus truly suffered before he died. Many times as I prayed, I felt God directing me to the cross. I felt God saying “look.”

At first I focused on the nails. I could not imagine how it would feel to have nails pounded into my flesh. I wanted to cry when I thought about it. God kept teaching me about Jesus’ death though. I began to learn that those nails were hard but before the nails, Jesus dealt with so much pain.

Jesus’ friends ran off on him leaving Him to face the final hours alone. Jesus was whipped. Back then the whip had pieces of bone and glass tied to the ends. I learned recently that more than likely when they finished with the “scourging” Jesus’ backbone might have been showing – the bones! Mocked, I always thought that the soldiers just said mean things. No, not only did they say the mean things, they also beat Jesus. His face was disfigured. Next I think about the crown of thorns. Jesus was given a crown of thorns or rather the crown was thrust on his head and again he was made fun of. The thorns dug into his flesh and he was bleeding.

Jesus was hung up naked. Many times when I think about this I marvel that God loved us so much that He was willing to be naked about His love for us. Of course I think this After I feel repulsed about the thought of being naked for all to see.

Sometimes God takes me further. There Jesus is, dying on the cross. He loves His mother so much; he gives her to John, so that she will be provided for after He is gone. I also hear Jesus in all that pain say, “Father forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.” Around here, I begin to realize that sin is ugly to God. Even what I call a “little” sin is ugly. My white lies, my unkind words etc.

As I have walked through the scenes of the cross, I begin to see “love.” I begin to grasp that God loves me. ME! He loves me, the one whose children don’t like her. He loves me, the one who often talks too loudly. He loves, me, even though I am overweight. He loves me with my imperfections. His son, Jesus has now become the veil through which God sees me.

As I have grasped that I am loved….I find new strength. When I know that I matter, I can face so much more in life. God doesn’t take struggles away from me; He takes me through the struggle. When I get to the other side of struggles, I often look back and I am amazed at what I was able to come through. It wasn’t me though, it was God!

As I read through the Bible each year, I begin to see that God wants us. He truly wants us. He loves us. In the Garden, after Adam and Eve sinned, God kicked them out. A few years ago I realized that God not only kicked them out of the garden, He provided for them. He slaughtered an animal – a sheep I think. He provided clothes for Adam and Eve. God provided for them even though they sinned.

Again, I think, wow – God loves me, ME! Again I see me growing. So much of my pain has been released from me. God has taught me to forgive. God has taught me to give, to serve. When I do these things, with a genuine heart, I find peace.

I am able to love Junior. I am able to love my children – even though they don’t want me. I am able to love – because God first loved me. I have so much more courage because when I am loved, I just do.

Now that I know that I am loved, I am able to face life, the hard parts and the fun parts. I am learning to see God’s hand on me more often as well. As I struggled to overcome this past year and all my health issues, I learned to see God’s hand on me. There was Alex my cat loving on me. We felt called to move to Virginia, here I see God too. It’s the baby rabbit in the yard as I write or the crane standing majestically on the bank of the river. It is Emma our landlord loving me. Again I marvel that we are in a readymade community – friends from Michigan, my sister.

Again, I see that God has taught me to be thankful for what I do have. Being thankful has been so healing to. When I am thankful, I see what I do have and don’t focus on what I don’t have. Being thankful is another way I have felt loved by God.

God is teaching me to love, to not enable, or be a co-dependent, but to love in a healthy way.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

P S – This love is available to anyone and that’s what I find amazing about God. He can make each one of us feel so precious and special. He loves us in the ways we need to feel loved. All you have to do is ask Jesus to be the Lord and Savior in your heart.