May 12, 2018

Greetings My Friend,

I am thankful for the church I attend, tomorrow is Mother's Day, I know for sure I will get a Mother's Day gift from the church, I have not received a gift, I may or may not receive a card from my children. Nine years ago when we moved to Virginia, I struggled with these Hallmark Holidays, the divorce left me estranged from my children, I finally knew how painful Mother's Day is for those who were never able to have children, lost a child. Not only do I struggle with being separated from my children, I struggle with reconciling my feelings with my own mother. On Facebook people often mention the anniversary of their parents death, feel sad, for me I rarely mention the anniversary of their death add to that I struggle because I am relieved that the disapproval of how I lived my life is gone. I loved my parent's, I remember thinking that since I was the oldest it was my job to take care of my parents, the one time us kids semi came together was we all took turns taking care of them at the end of their lives. I had reconciled all kinds of crazy things my Dad did to us kids by the time he died, I understood how he became the man he was because of the abuse he endured, the fact he left home at 14, joined the military at age 17. Dad repeated a lot of what he grew up with on us kids, he tried to overcome what was done to him, although he knew no other way to raise children than what he grew up with. Mom and Dad showed up for all of our activities, got us to them with the help of neighbors, took us to church but at home the craziness was there, an angry father, a mother who ignored what was going on as she had her face buried in a book. For me, I grew up to repeat a lot of the craziness, live it and pass it on. I read everything I could get my hands on how to be a better parent, I did not realize the Bible had the best help. As I look back, my parents overcame so much. Dad had polio at age 24, the doctor's said Dad would die, he did not, then the doctor's said he would never walk again, he did. We moved back to Michigan in a car that would not start again for a long time if was turned off so we drove straight through back to my Mom's mother's house in Michigan from Colorado, I was 5 my sister 4 and my brother 3 plus Dad was in a wheelchair which meant Mom was in charge getting gas, taking us all to the rest room and getting us food to eat. Mom went to work, Dad was home with us kids. After Dad learned to walk, he found some small paying jobs to help support the family. As I look back on all of that, I marvel at all the obstacles they overcame. Women stayed home in the early 60's while the men worked. Mom did not make what men did doing the same job they did. Eventually they were able to buy a house, with Mom getting the mortgage, at that time women did not get mortgages. In my generation the mother was home when we got home from school, Dad was but he was sleeping since he worked midnights. Mom and Dad were a marvel, yet the stress was always there. I was expected to co parent my siblings, to take care of Dad's needs and when he went back to work I was to get up, make breakfast, lunches for my siblings. I felt overwhelmed with all the responsibilities plus try to get good grades at school. While I made breakfast, lunches, Mom sat in a chair, read the newspaper, then got ready for work. When I got home from school I became Dad's confidant, heard things young children did not need to know about. I was also made to answer bill collector's phone calls. Then there was Dad's anger, he was angry at his childhood, that he could not work to support the family, plus anger just plain anger everywhere. Mom ignored his needs, our needs except the parts where she could be like Harriet Nelson, go to band concerts, watch us sing in the choir. At the end of my life, I see how I became the woman I am not, I am loyal, dedicated, hardworking and compassionate. God has shown me love, given me a 2nd marriage that is very comfortable and even given us a fur family to care for. So Mother's Day will come, the other holiday's throughout the year and at last I enjoy them as they are. I will get a small Mother's Day gift that touches my heart. Today I reflect for a bit, try to focus on who I am in God. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet