November 23, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

For a week or so now God has been working with me about my past of abuse. He has opened a door for me to say out loud without being told that "I am in a better place now, put that behind you or why do you hang onto those memories so long?" First God showed me some of the abuse I dealt with, I saw the scenes flash through my mind and I was amazed, I felt like I saw but I did not feel the old pain. Another time God showed me the Lord Jesus on the cross, battered and crying huge tears rolling down His cheeks, His mouth wide open in a scream of pain with blood flowing everywhere. That scene startled me and left me wondering. Later God showed me those were the tears He has for me and all that I endured. The whole scene became complete at Church Sunday night before we went into the Sanctuary for Bible study. A group of us were talking and as the group started to walk away I mentioned to Jenny, Pastor Joe's wife that I believe I have 2 things going on in my body, I feel I have Traumatic Brain Injury and Parkinson's Disease. Jenny said "I hate that you had to endure that" and the flood gates of memories opened up and I began talking. We worked our way to the stairs, I sat on the stairs and she sat in my walker. I told some of the awful things that went on in my home as a child and as a married woman. Jenny did not stop me from talking, she had a compassion that I have longed for and she shared about people in her life that have been abused and how hard it is on them. She knew, she understood and she let me talk. I felt acknowledged for the very first time in my life. Today I realize if someone would have allowed me to state the ugly facts in a loving environment I would not spent half of my life trying to tell my story, being depressed, being overly silly and playing the dumb blonde roll. I wanted someone to tell me that what was done to me was wrong and not right or point out how hard I am to deal with. I have had counselors tell me what I endured was not that bad when I began to scratch the surface of what happened to me. I never wanted pity, I still don't what I needed was the acknowledgement that the pain was real which would have helped me heal so much faster and the need to talk as much as I did. God is the one who brought healing to my soul, gave me the love and the woman who did not shy away from my pain. Our church family has indicated they believe me and have asked me often if I thought my PD is due to my abuse. God has opened this church family to wrap their love around Junior and I and I feel that as we feel the love we will continue to heal and even be able to have a purpose to help others who have or are dealing with the pain we have known too intimately. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet