November 14, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

My thoughts turn towards athletes how sometimes when they win an important game many of them will say they have a lucky piece of clothing, begin to wear it to every game. Other times it gets stuck in our head that "this is the way I/we have always done it" so we stick with doing that thing in the exact same way, even when it no longer is useful just as the lucky piece of clothing sees a loss but we insist that we need to keep it. These thoughts have been running through my mind a whole lot lately as I speak to people who have an older parent, spouse they are caring for. It may be time to let go of  the independence of walking, start using an aid to help them walk. As I pondered on this thought I recall God taking me out of my comfort levels in recent years and placing me in very different circumstances, like moving 2 times in 2 years. We moved from Michigan to Virginia, I had lived in Michigan 50 years before I made a huge change to a completely different way of life. Here in rural Virginia it is slower paced, more accepting of those who are different than the norm and openly God fearing. In Michigan I had gotten used to being PC, fearing I would loose my job if I spoke Jesus' name, told others how He has saved me. I had to let go of my past in Virginia, past hurts, ways of doing what I have always done, friends, family everything I knew. When I got baptized in the Russel Fork river I felt God tell me that I was crossing my Red Sea, He took me into a time of being in the wilderness as I learned new customs, ways of doing housework, expectations that things will be done in a certain way and also leave the past in the past back in Michigan. The first big hurdle was to learn that I was free from abuse and he could no longer reach out to me in any way, show up in my life etc. I learned that as much as we want to be compassionate, it is difficult for us to do so at times, like I knew of Junior's disabilities, I felt I allotted him time to work at his pace. I did not because I felt by adding a few hours to what it took me to do things when I was able bodied I had given him what he needed. As I dealt with chronic fatigue, Junior thought I was lazy, we both lived with an idea that we knew and understood, we did not. We had to learn to "listen" not only to words but  to our own belief's of what we thought was right. Being disabled now I understand more fully the silliness of allotting a certain amount of time for Junior to do things. I did not factor in pain that wears him out, he also did not grasp when I kept telling him I felt like an elephant was sitting on top of me all the time which made it very hard to get motivated. In this process God started teaching us to listen with our hearts. For me I was extremely upset when the entire house was not getting done like yesterday, that is how my ex had worked. One time in desperation I prayed "teach me to open my eyes to Junior's heart and to see what You see Lord." That was an eye opening moment for me, Junior's heart is awesome and the need to have my home done looking HG TV pretty was leaving me. For me taking medication to help me leave my fears in the past began to open the doors of peace. As my PCP helped me work on my many health problems I started to gain energy, the ability to start from scratch cleaning my home again then cook good meals for us. When my gait problems got worse I learned to use a walking stick, a walker even a wheelchair for a period. Once a diagnosis was found for my walking issues, some of my brain fog, I began to find ways to exercise effectively allowing me get out of the wheelchair and walk with the aid of a walker. It was hard getting back out of the wheelchair, once there I almost felt like I had to stay there, my doctor gave me my Parkinson's medication and said I should see a major change in a month, I did I could walk without getting exhausted with a walker. I kept working on exercising within my limitations and not burning up energy trying to do what I could no longer do and my strength has gotten a whole lot better. I still need my naps, I still get anxious sometimes about nothing but overall I am emotionally, spiritually and physically healthier than I have been in years. God had to tear me out of my first marriage, make me go to Divorce Recovery to get me on my journey of wholeness. Twenty years later, each painful lesson has taken me from an emptiness so dark and deep to a fullness that overflows. What started me on this journey of thinking about changing is a conversation with a friend and how her mother refuses to use an aid to walk. She is fearful of loosing her independence, in my own journey of life I have found that sometimes using an aid gives me much more life. My first and foremost aid is Jesus because without Him, I would not have left abuse, learned how to do old things in a new way and discover that I am capable of way more than I thought I was able to do. This journey has taught me that seeing each others journey of pain and brokenness is difficult unless we ask God to open our eyes to the heart. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet