April 15, 2017

Greetings my Friend, I have known that people with Parkinson's slow down, until recently though I have felt I was keeping up with things at my regular pace. Using the walker I felt like I could walk quickly, the walker kept me stable and when I was somewhere unfamiliar then I slowed down a lot. Recently I noticed that Junior was finishing his meal before me which was new. Many times I finished my meal, sat and talked to him and then jumped up to clear the table. Last night I noticed Junior started doing what I usually did, chatted when he finished and then started clearing the table as I continued to eat. I was crushed as I realized the slowing down process has started in earnest with me. I am noticing when talking with people I am struggling to pull out words and for me I have always been good with words. Sometimes doing one of my word puzzles where you find the word in a puzzle I can find them quickly and more often now I am taking longer to finish the puzzle in fact I got rid of one puzzle that had a timer on it. I can usually find all the words it takes me longer to do the puzzle. When I see my friend Terri I watch her move a mile a minute and words are even quicker, I was like that at one time and I miss that part of my personality. I am starting to miss the person I have been for over 60 years, even with the slowing down some with age I miss the older version of what I thought I would be like. As I want to cry over what I once was I also tell myself that a slower version of who I was is still the same heart I have always had. I am enjoying the things I love to do, cooking, cleaning, loving my man and fellowship with our church family. I find when I am loosing things I strive hard to see what I do have, I learned to do this by writing my thankful journal after my divorce 20 years ago. Right now Junior is putting up the roof on the carport which will extend onto the porch giving us a nice sized outdoor room and I am grateful I have all of this to enjoy with the man I love. In a little bit I plan on going outside onto the porch to begin cleaning it up again and arranging the outdoor furniture so we can enjoy cool summer evenings on the porch. As I focus on my thankful thoughts I find myself letting go of the pity party I was slowly entering into. I am sure I will mourn a few more times in my life and I know that I will need to let myself let go of what once was and then find what I still do have. For some reason Parkinson's seems to be bringing my moments of mourning on more frequently right now. Easter is tomorrow and I am reminded that Jesus has died for my sins and that by believing in Him I will someday walk in eternity of no tear, sorrow or pain. This means I will have a perfect body that will never wear out and I find great comfort in this. I also am reminded that no matter how broken my body is God has given me many wonderful memories to recall and walk in again. We are having friends come by for dinner, a potluck of food to share and enjoy and I am grateful for the feast we will enjoy, for a Savior who willingly left heaven to come down and die for me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet