February 21, 2017

Greetings My Friend, It is not June yet but Doug was on my mind this morning. He died at 12 years of age on a school weekend science camp 25 years ago this June. Each year at some point I think of him, wonder what he would have grown up to be like and sometimes in the dark of night in my dreams I remember him coming to me. We all were beset with grief with the passing of such a young man, he was well liked by his classmates, friends at church and even in the family so in my grief I was asking all the "why's" that the grieving have. While I was crying I thought I heard Doug's voice and opened my eyes to see him hovering above me, he had that earthereal look about him and he was saying to me "I am okay". I had no questions, I was stunned and warmed at the same time, he repeated that he was okay several times and then it was like I was wakened from a dream. My grief diminished although it never goes away fully and I was thankful he was able to let me know he was okay. I find great comfort knowing that he truly is in a better place. Ten months later we were facing my Dad's death. With his polio he had gone for a longtime with bladder cancer growing in him and for some reason it was hard for the doctor's to find it. Our minister was concerned and asked a doctor in our church to look at him and that is when we learned of the bladder cancer, with a very short time left to live. As a family we came together to help Mom care for Dad which meant he was bed ridden so we sat with Dad during those final 3-4 months. Sitting with the dying is a sobering time for the living and the dying. Dad allowed us to talk and enter with him into the process of saying good-bye. By the time Dad was ending his time on earth I had fairly much had come to terms with all that had gone on in my growing up years. I felt compassion for Dad, respect for all that he went through in his life and I wanted to make him comfortable. My sister-in-law sat with Dad during the day while the rest of us worked and she had her youngest with her during the day. She mentioned to us that she could feel her son Doug in the room with her and stayed longer to be near Dad and her son. For me I talked with Dad and let him tell me his stories, his memories and a few times I told Dad that if he wanted to go I understood, that we would take care of Mom. Dad mentioned to me he was not afraid of going, I felt his peace then he would say he did not know how to go. He mentioned he saw Grandpa, I believe it was my mother's father. He seemed comforted to see him. Dad was at peace with his impending death. There was a point when Dad did not absorb the seriousness of his cancer so I called his doctor to come talk to him and she did. She was a tall woman who sat at the side of the bed, held Dad's hand and explained it to him. After that Dad was okay with going away from us. Dad died in my arms as the nurse cleaned him and I felt peace with his passing, I sat in the room with him until the Fire Department came, then the undertaker. Mom's passing was not so peaceful. She too elected to die at home so we got a team together to help care for her around the clock. Mom's response was,"give me a pill and let me sleep until it is over." I was the one in charge of her estate and finances, she gave little information and I did what I could. When the night came that she was leaving she was restless and the hospice people suggested we have our minister do a bedside service. The minister asked each of us in the room to talk about what we admired about Mom, we each said something, mine was how I respected her for stepping up to Dad's polio and going to work, college and keeping a roof over our head. When we were done everyone left the room except my son and I. He held one hand and I held the other one, we stayed until her last breath.Later I was told my daughter-in-law had left before the service. Today I worry for her soul. Mom was gone and for me grieving lasted a long time. My grief was all the unanswered questions of "why". Many years later God brought me peace and acceptance. Honestly I don't grieve them as I do Doug, Dad and Doug I felt God's presence in all of it. Mom's I am not so sure. I know that there is an eternity waiting for us all and I long to bring Jesus to all who will let me. I've seen peace with death and I have seen a struggle. I pray for the peace to know where we are going to live in eternity which is with Jesus, if not it scares me for those who refuse Jesus, because their eternity is in hell. In Jesus name I pray. Love Janet.