January 24, 2016

Greetings My Friend, The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart "Feed your soul with God's Word then ask God to bless you." I had been reading Matthew 20-21 when I ran across "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive if you have faith," Prior to my reading I wrote in my journal "Father I am grateful that my anger is gone. I know You have been my healer. I see more clearly the steps You took me through to bring about the letting go of anger, fear and even being acknowledged that I was abused. Healing I am learning is not always immediate or physical. Sometimes, many times the healing is spiritual." As I have been researching Parkinson's Disease I have learned 3 potential ways that you may get PD, it could be genetic, chemical or from a Traumatic Brain Injury. I have long wondered if all the blows to my head and neck I endured through abuse both as a child and an adult might be behind many of the things I am now dealing with and I believe abuse has led to my PD. I recall as a child that I had problems with tripping, as an adult I recall attempting to walk in a straight line only to start veering off to the right and when I got tired I often tripped over nothing. I felt that we all have these types of problems and gave little or no attention to this situation. In my research I also found myself learning that my acknowledgement of the abuse I endured to be superficial. I told people I was abused and I was always looking for someone to acknowledge that my abuse was real. Mostly I was told it was my fault and if I would quit being annoying I would not have these problems. I was told that people were concerned but I was never given support to get away so to me I knew but I was not sure. As my health struggles with my gait issues kept getting worse abuse was the 1st thought I had for my troubles and again I was not sure by the reactions I perceived from doctors. My research seemed to give me permission, the permission I have wanted to hear. In a strange way I finally felt the hug I needed. Sometimes when I kind of told my story I would see some concern in the faces and I also was pushed to "let it go" and to "move on" because I was out of the abuse then. Even my Mr. Wonderful reminded me often that there are 2 sides to every story. He was talking to me as he was taught in Divorce Recovery and I did need to hear those words but I also needed to be understood deeply. Through the years with Junior I think he has seen the affects of what was done to me, the fear I struggled to let go of. He reminded me that for 15 years he heard over and over. It was at that point I realized the only way I could let go was medication. My brain could no longer do it alone. He has also watched me deal with my physical problems and how I am struggling to walk, my hands shaking etc. Recently I have had a need to repeat what I learned in Celebrate Recovery, " I am a grateful follower of Jesus Christ and I am a survivor of abuse. Since Celebrate Recovery is about hurts, habits and hangups we each have our own thing we are surviving from, mine is abuse and co dependency. I find that God has been doing a healing in me for a long time. Part of the healing started many years ago when I was in Celebrate Recovery and that phrase has laid dormant in my heart for a long time until now. He has taken me on a journey of healing. Many times healing is a journey, because instant healing would not be lasting in our hearts. God loves us enough to help us be whole and instead of perfect one time healing we need a long journey of healing. I also am realizing that God is more interested in my heart and where it is at than giving into my every want. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet