January 19, 2017

Greetings My Friend, I am thinking about forgiveness today, it is raining as I write and I am prolonging getting my morning started. Part of writing to me is asking God and then reflecting on a few things when something settles on my heart I often ask God if this is it and then start writing, today it is forgiving myself. Just as forgiving some of the hurts have taken me a long time, I realize forgiving myself has been a long journey as well. It seems I needed to see what was done to me in order for me to grasp why I was the way I was. Again I mention my encounter with a counselor when I started talking about the things my Dad did to me and he told me that it was not that bad. I went for awhile before moving to another counselor. The 2nd counselor acknowledged my feelings and that was my turning point to forgiving my Dad. It took me a long time with forward and backward movement eventually I came to peace with what was done to me. I went through this process with several others who have hurt me throughout my life with the more recent letting go of my children, emotionally. As I opened up many of those wounds I also found myself seeing what a mean child, adult I could be at times, especially when I was stinging from hurt. If my Dad beat the tar out of me, I went looking for my siblings to take my anger out on. As an adult and a mother I got tired of all the anger and holding onto it along with the scars I had in my emotional life. Counseling helped me and then Jesus taught me to forgive my debts (hurts, grievances etc.) as I forgive my debtors (those who have hurt me). As I prayed asking Jesus to forgive me I realized I needed to forgive what was done to me by others too and inserting my name alongside of others I found myself letting go of what was done to me. I knew that my children lived in chaos, I grew up in chaos and I did much to get away from the chaos but it was always right around the corner. I felt if I followed a specific pattern eventually I would be forgiven for my part of the chaos and it has not come. One day my friend Marilyn mentioned that I had in my mind a perceived image of who I was which was a mother, that was a growing moment for me. I discovered that I need to change who I always thought I was and discover other parts of myself. God reminded me that I did the best I could and basically it was okay. I admitted my sin and God has forgiven me it was time to let go and let God work in my life and the lives of those I wronged. I have made amends where I could, changed my behavior, my desire for destructive relationships by learning new ways to relate and not allow myself to be abused. The comment I made to my Son comes back to me often, "I can't get better before I get better" meaning my process to healing has been a long and winding journey.I also need to remember that healthy finds healthy so my children's journey is their journey. Today my focus is on Jesus, Junior, my health and I am thankful for the people who come alongside of me loving me just the way I am. I am working on quieting my impulsive nature of saying what pops into my mind, I still ask a ton of questions and for the most part people are patient with this quirk in my nature. I love where my life's journey has taken me and I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. God loves me just the way I am and then He takes me places I never knew I could dream of. May God bless you and keep you. Love Janet