September 17, 2016

Greetings My Friend The minister admonished us to go to someone who you have not talked to in a long time and open the door to forgiving. My mind started to whirl and I wondered did I do enough to ask for forgiveness? I hang out in my thoughts for quite a bit while the minister speaks reflecting on the hurt I feel the times I asked to be forgiven asked to be understood and slowly it comes to me that I have done what I can do. I start to accept that sometimes we ask for forgiveness and the other person does not like the way you asked to be forgiven. I accept that I asked to be forgiven with a genuine heart, I remember talking to God seeking guidance and even talking to clergy and a counselor. I realize that just as in a relationship the forgiving process is 2 sided. There are 2 people involved and both have to want to work at a relationship and 2 have to work at forgiving. I have begun to see that I am responsible for my part of what transpired and the other person has responsibility too. I have done my part and now I need to let go. I have learned the hard way people get irritated with too many apologies and sometimes you need to move on. I never dreamed this problem would last more than 10 years. Recently I have thought about being with toxic people even if they are family is not a good thing. I try to think that I am not a toxic person but that may be more about how the other people perceive you. I know I have been dysfunctional in a big way. I also know that I have worked hard with God and counseling to overcome those dysfunctional ways. At this point I feel that I am not toxic, again this is my own thought. I can not be responsible for what others think. I do know that the pain that has been inside of me for such a long time is not as intense these days. I have done what I can and it is time I live my life. I am open to keeping the door opened and if the other person ever wants to open their door I am willing to meet them half way. On the way to this day I have developed interests, a fur family and some good friends. It is the only option I have since living in a holding pattern is not living. Through out the years I review this relationship snafu with God frequently and if I believe God then He has forgiven me because I have worked on the forgiving process with Him. I not only forgave the other person but I have learned to forgive myself. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet