August 9, 2016

Greetings My Friend, The hard part of having adult children is I am no longer "Mom". My role as a nurturer and care taker is over and if things worked out we would be friends. I saw my role in their early adult years as guiding them in parenting, career decisions and such and in some ways I was able to do this with one of my children. By the time they are nearing 40 though I realize they are in their adult lives as they want to be and it is time to let go completely. I notice that I now have to focus on what is going on with my own body more, I have entered into to the "prune" years by that I mean I need to eat prunes in order to function regularly. I have to be on top of health changes and for me I need to allow myself down time so I can accomplish a decent days work. I have learned to manage my chronic fatigue, the ability to walk around the house and to not walk when I am out so I can have energy to do what I love to do. As I have found how to manage these things I am able to now move into things I love more frequently. For now my disability is not changing which is nice, the decline that I was going through is staying the same and that too allows me to focus on other things. As I write I will be going in for cataract surgery in 2 days which is another area that will allow me to see better and I will be able to thread a needle again without a lot of concentration. I allowed myself to get yelled at for the last time by my child and that weight is off of my shoulders. With that last encounter I have stopped feeling bad for all the wrongs both of my children went through growing up. Their children are now young adults and if they can't see I tried there is no way to make them see. I sense a freedom of letting go of what was, I can not go back and fix and I tried to be a source of comfort the only way I knew how. I did not realize that I would face that moment a 2nd time but today I see that parenting stopped at 18 but guiding quickly arose as the last child nears 40 I see that the guiding role is now over. I do not feel as sad as I did when I was becoming an empty nester but I do have a small sense of loss. I also see the great enjoyment I have been having doing all those little things I have longed for such as quilting, cooking more and so on. In a way I think that sense of retirement has taken hold and this phase of my life is no longer searching like it was when I first retired. We are established in this community now and have our friends we enjoy being with. Our home is comfortable with still more renovating but we have it established and comfortable for us overall. With my being in a wheelchair I now attend Sunday school with Junior and we are studying our weekly lesson together more. I love that time to learn and grow with Junior a whole lot. It seems as my youngest child nears 40 I am establishing myself apart from motherhood of care taking and guiding so even though I mourn leaving those years behind I embrace the new life waiting for me. God has guided me along the way and started teaching me to let go many years ago so as I approach this new phase in life it is not upsetting but a fact of life. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet