August 13, 2016

Greetings My Friend, I have worked hard to not be so ready to fight and the only way I was able to let it go was Jesus. I take to heart the passage that says "Vengence is mine says the Lord." To me this means if I have been wronged that God will fight the battle and I need to walk away. My anger issues started as a reaction to being beaten by my Dad, after a beating I generally found a sibling to go take my anger out on which meant using my fists. I retained this method into my first marriage as well, if I was struck I struck back, it made sense to me. I thought that this showed that I was not tolerant of being battered. Since my divorce I have not used my fists for any reason. Learning to tame my words on the other hand took God's guidance. Imagine my surprise when I had cataract surgery recently when I was informed that I was thrashing. This is the 2nd time I have reacted this way during a procedure. I know the first time I punched a nurse when she tried to put the nasal oxygen back into my nose and I did not like it because it irritated my nose. I also think that maybe if someone gets too close to my face I might get defensive which makes me wonder if this is what made me thrash about during cataract surgery. I will never know although I think I may need to warm surgeons in the future that I have this tendency. This morning my Bible study seemed to point me in two different directions although underneath maybe the lessons are the same. In Song of Solomon the verse that stuck with me was, "I am my beloveds and his desire is for me." This passage made me think about commitments we make. I find myself frequently making a commitment to stay in love with Junior. Many times I ask God to open my eyes and heart to Junior especially when I am annoyed with him. God reveals Junior's heart to me over and over. That is what I love about Junior is his heart. By doing this I do not stay angry. Then in Hebrews I ran across the quote "Vengence is mine, I will repay' And again, The Lord will judge His people. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." The first part felt real good. If I have been wronged God will defend me, who wouldn't like that? The 2nd part was a bit more sobering. I just felt it and honestly I did not "feel" any words just that it was sobering. I was wondering how these 2 passages could relate when the Holy Spirit reminded me "Do not forsake your vows." This is the point I saw how the 2 passages related. Junior and I asked God to be the center of our lives. I pray often asking God to teach me to be the wife Junior needs which in turns helps me to stay committed to Junior. Another prayer I have is asking God to keep opening my heart to Him, having walked a long time in sadness and despair I do not want to ever to go back to those days. I felt older when I made my commitment and that time was short so I did not want to do the seesaw of back and forth in my faith. I want to be committed and growing. God is faithful and has kept opening my heart to Him much the same way He has kept my heart for Junior on him. I see that sometimes commitment needs to be revisited lots of times. It is not a one time thing and then I go along my merry way. I vaguely see how God allows me to go through trials so that I stay in need of Him. It is worth it to me to keep learning how to trust and obey. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet