July 26, 2016

Greetings My Friend, For the most part Junior and I get along real well. Generally we see things in the same light but once in a while we struggle finding that common ground. Right now we are having a disagreement and this makes me think back to our re-married's class'. We learned that the couples who say they never fight are more than likely stuffing things rather than working through them. This is not healthy and eventually the marriage may suffer from unresolved issues all in the name of never having disagreements. Junior and I will work through the situation or even may have to agree to disagree. I appreciate the working on the problems and having my thoughts and concerns listened to. In the Bible I see God and even Jesus getting angry with people which makes me think that if they get angry then disagreements are bound to happen. The next thing we learned was how to fight fair. We learned to walk away for a short period of time until we cooled down. When we got together we practiced hearing each other out. One method was one person held onto something like a tile while they talked, a timer was set and they had a set amount of time to talk. Then the other person had their time and this went on until there was an agreement or compromise. Another thing we learned was to hold hands while talking, it is hard to stay angry when touching. Another huge thing we learned was to stick to the problem and not get historical. This is not the time to bring up every wrong the other person has ever done. I also find prayer helps me too. I learned to talk to God a lot when we first moved to this house and began living in a constant state of construction. Due to Junior's back problems he moves slowly and I wanted things done a whole lot faster even though I understood his struggle. I learned to pray asking God to teach me to be what Junior needs me to be instead of complaining about his slow progress. God began teaching me to slow down myself, to see the love Junior has for me as he worked diligently at renovating. I learned to give myself grace as I learned to give Junior grace with his slow process. I allowed myself to slow down and not expect so much out of me with disabilities. The more I changed my perspective the more patience I was able to give and have. Disagreements also have brought us closer especially early on in our marriage. I learned those things that hurt Junior deeply and I worked at changing the way I reacted to him. In my previous marriage I could be rather rough with my words. Junior does not respond to harsh words well and I learned to present my concerns in a gentler manner. Junior does not handle a lot of slamming and banging of doors it sets his PTSD off, I have not resorted to this either. These 2 things were easy for me to undo in my life because I was heard and my feelings were accepted thus I had no need to do them. Junior liked to yell at his computer when things went wrong as they often do. His yelling frightened me so he quit and to be honest he still does not scream at objects to this day. I am thankful that he does not since I associate that kind of behavior with aggressiveness. Lastly we learned about "phrase bombs or bus driver issues", we all have a past and certain actions or words tend to send us back to that moment in history. One couple struggled when the wife said "we need to talk." The husband heard that phrase as a huge fight was in the works. The wife had to use other words when approaching a problem. Junior struggled with my need to talk and fixing each problem. I learned to tell him I am not looking for an answer or I need your input, this allowed him to tune out and not over focus on fixing my problem. I am grateful we learned how to fight fairly because I am not afraid if we are not in perfect agreement these days. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Jane