June 16, 2016

Greetings My Friend There are times I find myself feeling very critical or the need to place blame so that I do not have to face what is going on in my own life. The blame game and critical one up on someone is a slow descent into darkness. I feel good for a season and then soon I can not see any good in life at all. A way I try to counteract these unsavory habits is to set my mind on being thankful for each and every part of my life. Some mornings when I wake up I begin with being thankful for another day to grow and to live in that growth. The more I get the run around about my health it is easy for me to get discouraged. When I refocus on what I am learning as my PCP and I work at finding out what is wrong I begin to see that this journey of finding out is helpful. With each potential diagnosis I do research. The research teaches me to handle muscle weakness and fatigue, I am able to share about the many invisible illness' that there are and how a handicap is not always visible to the eye. I find a lot of pain physical and mental pain associated with invisible illness' which offers me a chance to pray for people. I am ready for a plan of action in regards to my disability but in the meantime I learn the things I need to learn. As a young woman I did not like all the junk I grew up in and was bitter for many years. The older I get I find myself having compassion and understanding. To me it is learning to forgive and to allow myself to see with a new set of eyes. The dysfunctions I went through are what made me who I am today. I am stronger because I lived through it and learned not to be bitter. I wish I did not have to endure what I endured and at the same time I have moments of thankfulness. I am dependable because my parents gave me responsibilities, some which were beyond my years. I am an organizer because of the chaos I lived through. In general these traits are what define me today. Because I lived with chaos I am able to live alongside a man who sees no need to put his things away after he is through working. I am thankful that God loves me even when I make mistakes. I am thankful for correction because in that correction I grow and learn. Sometimes I ask a lot of questions, pout because of the hard work that changing requires and one day I see I have grown. Moving out of "that is not fair" is one of the biggest joys in my life. Life is not always fair and I learn that the only way change can happen is when it starts with me. The starting with me requires me to look to God more often to seek His guidance. The more I change listening to God the stronger my faith in Him grows. I learn to thank God all throughout the day now and that thankfulness brings a sense of awe over me. Slowly I see God's consistency and faithfulness to me. This process teaches me to trust and to believe which deepens my faith in Jesus. That is another thing, the more I see the cross the more I realize how Jesus knows the everyday pain of life in a fallen world. He walked, felt it and died for it only to rise from the grave and ascend into Heaven. This whole process opens my eyes to the fact that our God is a living and loving God. I can trust He truly wants my best which invites me to get up from each fall and try again. I am grateful that I was able to reconcile my struggles with my Dad before he died. I felt close as we walked into his last days together and with the family. Mom on the other hand has been a journey more after her death for me to reconcile. Right off I knew I had forgiven her and myself but I could not understand what made her to be the hard woman she was. God let me live with the indifference for a long time before He revealed how she struggled and how it hardened her. Through it all I admired her will to push past Dad's polio and forge a life for us. Today I marvel at her strong effort to provide for us. Her struggle is not my struggle but living beside her I learned loyalty, hard work and determination. Being Dad's care giver taught me compassion and to overcome the difficulties in life. Out of that chaos I was forged into the woman I am now. For that I am grateful. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet