June 14, 2016

Greetings My Friend, We all have a past and want to blame this past for our current problems. Part of the past is the stuff we dealt with in childhood so we are still angry with what was done to us. For me it took years to reconcile the wrongs done to me. I also did not know how to get past the hurts and how to deal with life more effectively. Counseling was a stepping stone out of the despair I felt although it was not the full answer. I started seeing that blaming and anger was taking me nowhere fast so along with counseling I started to "fake it until I made it." I started joking and finding things to laugh about generally some defect I had. If I could look at my flaws then I felt I would find all of us have defects which then would make me real. Somehow though like counseling I only made tiny baby steps towards finding inner peace. What has made the most difference for me is my faith journey. The other steps were good first steps but the faith journey was the piece that truly helped me find peace and contentment in life. If no one likes me I know God loves me so deeply and fully that the hurts are comforted in me like nothing I have experienced. The more I walk with Jesus the more I find my value is only what God thinks of me. Jesus stretched out His arms and died for me and for each of us. Just as God provides the food for us we must go out and get it, we must also accept this gift of Jesus. Today I still have struggles with PTSD because of my past. It does not rule me as it once did though. When I feel scared I find myself asking God to help me through the situation. God has and always will guide me. He sent us to live here in SW VA which made no sense at the time. Today I see that the quiet country side keeps me settled and when the pain of the past does flare, I am able to work through the pain. Sometimes I am in frequent conversations with Jesus because of the pain I feel rearing in my life. These conversations are filled with hugs and my tears are wiped off. I all of a sudden feel stronger and then God seems to push me to get up and face the struggle. Being in a faith journey does not mean we never struggle with our past it does mean we learn how to handle that pain. I also find there are some people who are more comfortable in their pain and prefer to stay there. For a moment I have empathy and then I find that the person does want to learn new ways to cope so I need to leave them stuck. As with each part of a faith journey God teaches how to work through things just as he provides the food and then we have to go get it, it is the same with our healing. If we are not willing to take that first step then you are left there until you choose to take it. I believe this is why some Christians do not move past the first few steps in their faith journey while others may take years to move from step to step. I myself had a hard time moving full steps behind the scenes though I find that I have been taking baby steps depending how long I have struggled. I love Jesus because I am loved even in my baby steps faze and He waits gently for me to understand the things I need to learn. I also am learning to see and hear instructions better. When I married the first time I fainted at my wedding, I was sick to my stomach and I insisted going through with the wedding. After 24 years of marriage and I looked back at this event I see God was speaking to me and I was not listening. I was worried about all the people who came to see us get married and I was not concerned about what God was telling me. God was speaking as firmly as He could and I insisted on doing it my way. I tried to make things right and make that decision fit into God's will. It did not work, it won't ever work, we have to be willing to submit to God even if it does not make sense. Today I am more adept at hearing God's directions which means there are times I am not on track too. I now know to repent and God will then begin leading me in the direction I need to be in. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet