March 12 2016

March 12 2016 Greetings My Friend I steamed cleaned the bathroom and now I am resting. While I feel near tears I get myself together only to go back to wanting to cry. I read a status from an ataxian who is irritated that one moment she can sign her name and the next her brain and hand refuse to connect and a few minutes later she can sign her name again. I feel this situation with her. I cry in my heart the tears are tears of mourning, saying goodbye to another ability I had and now I don’t. This roller coaster of tears is starting to irritate me to no end. I am able to keep my frustration to myself and Junior does not even notice. I pick up my calendar and see when my next doctor appointment is which is a little over a week from now. Now that my cry is passing I reflect back that I just steamed the bathroom. The job is extremely hard for me to do but I refuse to give up yet. I am so winded when I finish. I have learned to balance myself holding onto the shower wall while I stand and to sit on the floor when I am cleaning the floor of the shower. I am learning to work holding onto something to maintain my balance these days. While I walk through the house I make sure I am an arms length from the wall or a study piece of furniture just in case I need an extra assist. Each step is to be a thought out movement now. On the phone with a friend I am telling her outloud from my thoughts about the times of my youth, my first marriage and the slaps, the head being slapped and the times I was chocked. I am angry and want to cry “it is not fair.” As quickly as I think or say this I know that I have forgiven and all this anger is of no use. The ones that did this to me aren’t aware of the damage they did. It is of no value to hold onto this anger. While I work my way back from anger and tears I see how I am a survivor and I do not have to stay stuck in the pain. I feel God smiling down at me. Today while I was walking past Junior I stopped for a moment and he had the biggest smile on his face. He was looking at me with deep love and respect. He knows I am struggling and he sees how I am working my way around. I feel Junior’s hug on my heart and that hug is mingled with God’s hug. The tears are starting to go away and stay away. I have a few more things I would like to get done before stopping for the day. Tomorrow is our Easter potluck and I want to make some peanut butter no bakes. I want to try to make a spinach dip for my vegetables. My plan is to stop after I do these 2 things and begin the wind down for night time. While I wind down watching TV tonight I plan on decoupaging the step stool for the fur babies to get up and down on the couch with. I would like to color and even if I am able to scrapbook my Bible journal. Lately I am learning that craft time for me is important and for some reason I relax deeper. It is during craft time I work through the loss I feel and I am starting to come to terms with my loss. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet