September 26 2015

September 26 2015 Greetings My Friend The pieces for us to have propane installed are finally falling into place. It has been 2 weeks since we called for the house to be set up with a furnace lines to receive the propane. We were told it would be less than a week so of course I questioned God if I heard Him right. I hear God tell me and then I question myself, it is irritating that I distrust hearing God right. I asked God a few times and somehow it went out of my thoughts. When week 2 had come I placed a phone call to the installers. Parts had not come in, the holiday meant people took some extra time off and they will be here tomorrow. Now I am thankful to God for how easily this has fallen into place. After the installation for the lines was set up I called for our tank to be installed and our first delivery of propane. This too fell into place and I chastise myself for the doubt I had. I also marvel at how easily this truly fell into place and God has let me know He has everything under control. We are still getting the propane for the original quote we received several weeks ago and this too has been tugging at my thoughts since it is nearly a month later. I do find out since we decided to go a bit differently with us getting a furnace that the estimate on how much we will use changes. We are not going to use the propane fireplace now. To be honest we have decided that this new way will be more efficient so the new amount seems okay. As I settle down in my thoughts Junior comes home from an early morning errand. I tell him the latest facts and have him call the propane delivery people back to confirm the changes. He does and he confirms the new decisions as well as asks a few other questions he has. He hangs up we discuss a bit more before going off to make room for the people to work in the underneath. Once more I stop and find myself feeling more confident. This is the 3rd time where I did the initial leg work and he has to confirm some the the changes that needs to take place. I marvel that he does not fuss at me or questions my intelligence. I have been with Junior 17 years now and yet I still struggle when I have to make a decision. I struggle due to my past experiences in trying to attempt these things and all the grief I got when I did not know an answer or gave a wrong answer to something I did not understand. Junior compliments me and confirms me and I marvel that I am truly capable of much more than I ever believed. I realize again how warped our thinking can be at times with PTSD. I know the rational side of the argument but the fear seems to override the rational thoughts. Letting go of the self talk has been extremely hard. Junior’s steadfast ways has gone far in helping me to face the fear and then given me courage to overcome it. I learn one more time that I may have walked away from a lifetime of abuse but the effects linger a lot longer. I allow myself to let go even if others seem to think that the day I walked out all of the hurt should have been resolved. Truly it does take years to overcome a lifetime of hurt. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet