July 7 2015

July 7 2015 Greetings My Friend One of the TV shows I watch is Dr. Phil. I see my life story played out and as I see it I understand more of how I became the person I am. I relive the old hurts but I understand and somehow it helps me to move on. Sometimes I want to say “yes but” when he is chastising a parent for allowing abuse to go on and at that point I want to do my “yes but”. For me anyway I did not understand all the dynamics of how an abuser will repeat their behavior if they are not stopped. I felt that my abuser would not do it again so I trusted when I should not have trusted. I also wanted the love I craved so I was willing to overlook much. Even though I was grown the little girl who was abused wanted to keep working at it until she got it right. Counseling, a faith journey and I understand so much more now. As a young person I was too overwhelmed attempting to read the Bible. I was able to read the words but not understand the Holy Spirit’s guidance in my life. When I married Junior and was starting my faith journeys in earnest he taught me to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me. It works for me now and I am understanding so much more the right and wrong of life. Yesterday’s show was hitting a tender spot as I watched it. Two young girls were molested and raped by their grandfather and to them Grandma turned a blind eye to what was happening. I felt that struggle too. The girls longed for an “I am sorry” from Grandma and Grandma insisted she knew nothing and accused them of making it all up. I have wanted an apology from my abuser for years and never received it. My faith journey has helped me heal. Junior taught me to pray for my abuser and I did. Today I don’t hate and I don’t live in the state of fear all the time. Sometimes I am even able to look into their past and understand. At the end of the show Dr. Phil put up a list of signs for others to look for in someone who is or was abused. The one that spoke to me was that the victim thinks their only attraction to others is in their physical looks. My Dad always commented to me that my sister would look so much better with some weight taken off of her. At dinner he often told Mom she was eating too much. I was an active child and food was not important to me so I was thin and I remember asking myself “What about me, I am thin?” He never even told me I was pretty. I grow up and marry a man that is so concerned with my looks that I truly think that’s all that matters is how thin I am. I went through anorexia and was consumed with the need to exercise in order to stay thin Menopause, cancer was the first time I put weight on in my life. It was distressing. By this time I was married to Junior who loved me heavy and thin. I am back down to a better weight these days which means I feel better as well as look better. My goal now is to be a healthy weight, today I am 20 pounds heavier than when I gave birth to my children. I am okay with this finally and have stopped the internal discussions. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet