February 26 2015

February 26 2015 Greetings My Friend Junior has the bigger dogs piled in his lap and I have the littler dogs piled on mine. I am taking a break from housework and writing, then going to prayer. It works out rather nice. Over all I feel a lot less congested and at the same time I am winded rather easily so I revert back do a little, sit a little and the day progress’. My son called me on his lunch hour today. I’ve been divorced from his father for 18 years and we are finally working through the struggles of divorce. He was 19 when I divorced his Dad so along with finding his adult ways he has been settling years of anger he grew up with. Today he seems to understand that the marriage wasn’t good from the start. He understands I stayed for lots of reasons that made sense and lots of reason that did not. It was what it was and I can’t go back and fix it. He and his wife of 16 years just got divorced. He has been with her since he was 15 so the break up is hard at best. In this I sense he understands more fully my indecision. The thing I am learning is that we may have a lot of head knowledge but until the heart understands it is hard to make the changes in life that need to be made. I find myself asking the same questions about the dysfunction I grew up in. Why did Mom allow…. In the end the past can’t be changed and Mom was Mom and Dad was Dad. I was not able to ask the questions my son has asked me to my Mother, she wanted the door shut and refused to look back. She died and I never had that healing talk. I did with Dad and I am grateful for it. I am grateful that my son has attempted to keep in touch with me. I am grateful that going forward we can leave the past in the past. His sister refuses to talk to me. She won’t talk to her Dad either and now she is pulling away from her brother. It breaks my heart but at age 40 there isn’t much I can say or do anymore. My pain is now a dull ache. I have talked with God about all I can do and I’ve attempted it. Today I still send emails from time to time or a card. Hopefully one day she will forgive me, the past. I pray for her, my grand daughter and in my heart I am able to wait it out. I have love for her, I feel pain for her and I am living day to day life enjoying the new life I have been given, the 2nd chance at marriage to a man who cherishes me and respects me. This day has been a long journey. Once more I find that God has had me examine the past with a fine toothed comb. I understand more and accept I could not make changes until I faced the flaws I had. God has also taught me to look at my parent’s lives and in the process I am finding compassion for the struggles they themselves had in their lives. My faith teaches me we all are working things out and it is important to forgive ourselves as well as those that have hurt us. God has been my teacher in regards to forgiving. I could not have let go on my own. I first had the desire and then He showed me step by step to forgive and let go. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet