July 29 2014

July 29 2014 Greetings My Friend, Marriage is on my mind right now. I wish I knew how to reach young people and teach about marriage. My concern is not unlike the parenting classes given years ago to attempt to get young people to think strongly about entering into a sexual relationship. In a class the young people took they were each given a 5 pound sack of flour/sugar. That 5 pound bag could not leave their side for a period of time….a week I think. If they wanted to go out without it they had to find a caregiver to watch that 5 pound bag. The idea was to impress upon the young minds how much work it is to have a baby. I chose poorly the first time I picked a marriage partner. He was showing signs of abuse long before the wedding day. In my dysfunction I thought he was showing me how much he cared. He even struck me many times but again I thought that to have that depth of emotion meant that he cared. Add to the fact that my own father abused me and other males took advantage of me I soon thought that I had no right to my own body or feelings. By the time the boyfriend came along and forced himself on me sexualy and physicaly I truly did not know that a man did not have the right to do as he pleased. As the years went on in our marriage I was asked to do some pretty strange things and to be honest I did not like it. I caved in one or two times and then I began to fight back because I did not like the sick feeling I had in the pit of my stomach more so. As I grew up and got battered I got to a point that I’d fight back. I always lost but I developed an “I don’t care” attitude. I see this attitude even now show itself from time to time. I may lose but I’m not going down without a fight. I have decided that people can force me all they want but I am going to show them “they can’t make me.” As I have lived with a man that truly cares about how I feel and will let me make my own decisions I have grown away from that “prove it” attitude. I don’t have to be obstinate just for the sake of it. As I look back on those years the constant wish was that someone would have come beside me and shown me what healthy looked like and how to achieve it. For me counseling is how I began that journey. As I learned and applied the new found things to my life I found myself not tolerating abuse as easily. By the time the divorce came I knew I wanted to try another relationship only this time I wanted to respect my husband and to look up to him. Counseling helped a lot but as I began a serious faith journey I found myself falling in love with God. I started trusting that God did not want to hurt me but He truly wanted my best. As I learned how to be loved by God I also learned how to love in healthier ways. The other day Junior was working on extending our front porch. He held a beam into the cement and wanted me to drill two screws into the wood. Panic tried to rear itself. I am a woman that has never handled tools well and it usually angered the man in my life. Junior has been gentle and would show me from time to time only to see me mess up something awful. With a little trepidation I went out and attempted to drill the hole and then drill the screw into the wood. I did it first try like I had always drilled holes. Next I drilled the screw into the hole and….I did that the first try. Then another set was done and this woman thought she’d died and gone to heaven. The screw driver had a piece that slid out over the screw so it stayed in place as I drove it into the wood. That helped me a lot. In previous attempts I did not have that little guide and somehow I’d always wobble the screw. Not this time. Junior has been patient with me all along. When I failed he did not yell at me. He quietly would finish the job. He also has not asked a whole lot out of me through the years. He does the renovating and I try to make him comfortable in our home. This time I did it well and I am so proud of myself. Marriage can be a blessing and lots of fun. There is hard work but the hard work is worth it when both are invested in being a team. To me prayer is the constant that has grown Junior and I into that team. We listen to God and try to seek each others highest good. This is what I want to teach young people. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet