December 31 2014

December 31 2013
Greetings My Friend,
It is the final day of 2013. It is sobering in a way and I also have
a sense of excitemnt for the new begining starting tomorrow. I have lived
60 years now. I have known deep sadness and great joy. I walked life on my
own steam and have been truly unhappy. I am now walking with the Lord and I
never want to walk without Him again.
I always thought being older was going to be hard. In my mind I felt that being
young was better. At times now I find my looking younger than my years a tad bit
difficult. I tend to look 10 years younger and at this point with all my health
issues looking my age would mean that people would see why I struggle. It is a
thought.
When I married Junior he was 51 and I was 43. I felt like most of my life was lived
and we'd maybe have 25 years. Out here in VA I see so many older people well into their
80's and 90's. Many are still driving, keeping up their homes and such. When we married
I asked Junior if we could be married 25 years. My divorce came along at 24 1/2 years and
I thought seeing 25 years would be nice. Junior the gem he is said "nope, let's aim for
50 years." That is our goal.
As I continue on in my faith walk I find God is using me even in my older years. I love that
as well. Since retirment I have started a writing career. I love it. I have always loved
writing and now I am sharing my writing weekly.
I thought that I'd be involved in some sort of work of volunteering. As it turns out I am not
involved in a volunteer activity at present anyway. Chronic Fatigue keeps me from being able
to be dependable. God has shown me that ministry can also be outside of a church building. I
like that as well.
I also find my church family is not only the church building I go to worship each Sunday it is also
the comunity of believers in the community, it is also the social media I hook into as well. Many of
my fellow Christian friends are not of the same demnonation as I am. I like that as well. I like
being able to share with all types of believers. Some have a walk that is deeper than mine. Some are
just coming into the faith family and we each are able to reach out to each other and help each other
out in this journey of faith. I like that a ton.
I continue to learn to walk away from legalistic ways as well. For me I love a routine in life. I love
things to check off on a list as I do day to day life. I have found myself though being over legalistic
in doing my lists. I get angry if something is not the way I planned it to be. My church family has
patience with me as I learn to "go with the flow" more and more. When I fall down they are there to pick
me up and encourage me. They see the "good" in me when all I see is bad junk. As they continue to love
me and accept me even when I am too opionated. In their gentle love though I learn how to let go and to
walk without a schedule for each moment in my life.
As I learn to be tolerant of me I also find myself being more tolerant of others. That is a wonderful feeling
and I grow more in the Lord. That feels ever so awesome. I learn "judge not least ye be judged." I also learn
we are known by our fruit and I am able to discern where to invest my energy and where to go on down the road.
Sometimes I find God taking me down a path that makes no sense at all. As I learn to "just follow" though I find
God to be even more amazing and in the end I am thankful for the journey. I continue to have moments where the
journey is harder than all get out. I don't mind though. Each time I walk to the other side of the journey I tend
to find a sense of wonder and accomplishment. The more I "trust" God and do what I am told the more I find myself
doing more than I ever dreamed possible. It is amazing.
This past year I have struggled with God. It made no sense to give God all the glory in my mind. I love making life
all about me and through years of counseling I have learned that when I make life about me only I am never going to
find peace. Life is not all about me even if I'd like it to be. So in my mind how could life be all about God?
I kept asking God and talking to God and God kept saying "just do it." I gave up and started each day with "Your
will Lord." As I gave each day over to God I found that He was so right. I knew I could not do this on my own so
I kept praying asking God to help me move into "all about Him." God was faithful and soon I found myself not asking
a million questions about "why?"
I learned that God understood my struggle and He helped me to understand. He let me ask my questions and then gently
God pointed me in His direction. I found myself letting go and marveling at God yet again.
I am a constant questioner. I tend to puzzel about the in's and out's of life and want answers. I am learning sometimes
I must just "do it." I don't have to understand the whole puzzel when I set out on a project these days and it is
about the most freeing feeling I have ever known.
As I learn that God only wants my best I find trust. I find I can let go of the controll I tend to want to have. Junior
also teaches me to let go of controll. As I learn that he only wants my best I find myself trusting and letting go. It is
a freeing feeling and one I have not known until this faith journey.
My last thought is "let go, let God." Yup it works.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet