June 20, 2012 Greetings My Friend, This is the last week we will be taking B to the cancer center. I am so hopeful for her. For me I had stage0 cancer. She has stage 2 cancer which is not bad. I believe we can both live a long life. I am 7 years cancer free so I feel that is a blessing beyond belief. I pray she too will move on with life. For the past several weeks, I have driven her there most of the days. Actually we take turns. Most days I drive there and she drives home. Her car is not dependable so we take our car. I was grateful for this opportunity to care for my friend. For me I used this time to attempt to come “back” more. Many days I get there and have had to take a nap because I was so tired. Since Prozac though my naps aren’t as often which feels wonderful. I have not done much at home though. I quit cooking and started bringing home carry outs for dinner. As the end comes I am finding myself contemplating on how to fill my days at home again. Junior is in the process of changing the family room into more of a bedroom/office/exercise area. The front room will be where the recliners and couch will be…our family room now. He has moved a bunch of boxes up to the attic. He hung an area rug on the wall….the dogs bathroom habits aren’t good as of yet although we are seeing more days with no potty messes now. As these rooms are finished then I see me starting to keep them up more. I will add that to the bathroom and the bedroom. The kitchen table still holds “stuff” and Junior said he will get it cleaned off of all his tools etc. Once that is in order I hope I can truly become the house keeper I have been in the past. My prayer is that I am truly on the road to recovery and very little backsliding now. These past few years with depression and health issues have taken a toll on me. The 2 moves in 2 years have added to my general discouragement as well. I am ever grateful we moved to VA but to be honest it has been hard emotionally. I love the scenery out here. I love the people and their acceptance of people for who they are without a lot of attitudes. That has been wonderful. For the first time in my life I feel like I am accepted for whom I am and I don’t have to be the “norm”. It is wonderful! As I have learned more of my past I am also grateful for Prozac. I am able to process this new memory better and let it go better. I am trying to figure out what to do with what I have learned. Am I learning this so I can help someone down the line? Is there something I need to work through so I can continue to be healthy emotionally? These are some of the questions I am sorting through. I also am struggling with the pain of my siblings. I find that in many ways I have been spared a lot of what they went through. That has been hard to understand. For the first time in my life I see where my tattle tale ways have saved me. I was a loud child, a tattle tale and I told whatever crossed my path. Being a tattle tale is frowned upon and I have understood that it is wrong at least by society’s standards. For me though because I was a tattle tale, I was spared some of the sexual abuse my siblings went through. As I have questioned this in my prayers I find some answers that I have yet to fully comprehend. I find that from a young child I have wanted to be good. I believe the Bible when it states that God will place on our hearts right and wrong. This is what I am trying to understand. I knew that some of the stuff that was going on was wrong. I don’t remember being “taught” it per se. I just knew it wasn’t right. At this point I go back and realize God placed that on my heart at a young age. I find I was more in tune with God than I realized. So then the question arises in my mind “Why did they suffer what they suffered?” As I sort this out I have been told that we allow spirits to enter us. They may have accepted more evil? I am not sure I understand. I am sad because I know what they endured was worse than what I endured and I endured a lot of crud. I was the one that was made to….so I also see my journey was different as well. I was the one my parents relied on to get things done. I was the one that talked to bill collectors and my siblings weren’t so again my journey was different and I struggled with different struggles. I did not get off without my own struggles. I also had some of the sexual abuse they dealt with. I did not have as much though. I was the tattle tale and no one knew if I would tell so it was safer to leave me alone. Again I marvel that my bad habit saved me from more than what I did deal with. Because of my childhood I found I was more willing to tolerate things I should not have tolerated in life. I had thought that this went on in every home. As I went through counseling I learned not to accept things I thought I should. The people at the bank also taught me so much. They don’t even know it but from them I began to learn how to assert myself. I am ever grateful I learned the lessons I have learned. So I continue with counseling and Prozac and even in my older years I am still growing. At this point I never ever want to walk away from God. He has sustained me. I have been able to live because I know I am a wanted child of God. That gives me such hope and such courage. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet