December 31, 2011 Greetings My Friend, It is the end of the year once again. My thoughts turn reflective once more and of course I ponder my faith journey this past year. “Am I closer to God at the end of the year than I was at the start of the year?” That is the process I use now instead of New Year’s resolutions. We’ve moved again. Well we moved in December of 2010 and to tell you the truth I hope to never move again. ENOUGH already! We love our new home and it has many changes to it already. We knew it would be a few years before our home is the way we want it. I love the settling down process. I feel very much a part of this community which is wonderful. I love being involved in things like at the thrift store, volunteering at church and even a woman’s Bible study. Right now though I am taking a friend to the cancer center as she goes through radiation and I have suspended most of my activities. For me the sense of being retired has been a delayed process. Most recently retired people state they feel they are on vacation for quite some time. Just getting back to a level playing field has been a challenge. There was the learning how to deal with arthritis and hypoglycemia and then a blow up with a loved one and then two moves in two years , let me say just being retired hasn’t been the cake walk I thought it would be. Now though retirement is starting to settle nicely. Am I closer to God than I was at the start of the year? I believe I am. I know I had a real rough patch in the spring around Mother’s Day. In recent years I have often felt not sure of my mothering. This year for some reason I felt even more so depressed. I got a phone call and connected deeply with my child and that helped me a ton. Right after that my class reunion was brought up. I have never gone and thought maybe I would go this year. It would be interesting to see people that I went to high school with who now are grandparents etc. Then I started thinking….you know thinking can get you into trouble. In this case though I think it was good for me to think out the consequences of going. For me going might mean running into my ex. My ex likes to chat with me like we are good friends. Seeing him usually is highly uncomfortable for me. I see the angry man he once was. I really don’t want to go down memory lane with him. Those are memories I am trying to let go of so the overly friendly chats are a bit over bearing. All of this seemed to send me spiraling down into an abyss. Trying to find steady ground was very difficult. I went to prayer. I am always amazed when God comforts me and this time was no exception. I spent an afternoon pouring my heart out to God. He placed answers on my heart that astound me even now. I saw things I had not seen before. One of the things I do when I am at a function with my ex and he wants to be all friendly is put on a stone face. I answer him in short answers. It is a way of protecting me. Many times he will move onto junior and talk to him. That is fine with me. I’d rather he would say ‘hi’ and move on. I don’t want a scene but I don’t want to be best friends either. God showed me how my ex was using this stone face action of mine as a way for others to take his side. It was kind of like ‘wow, can’t she be nice after all these years?’ Right after showing me this God seemed to say that it is ok. I need to do what I need to do to protect myself. He also pointed out that it is to God that I need to direct my energy to. If I am in God, then life will go easier. I may not walk away from a struggle but God will walk me through the struggle. That is a huge comfort to me. My counselor suggested that I journal on line, in my e-mail on notepad. For the longest time writing in long hand was the way I could process. There was something about seeing the pages with the indents from writing on them that helped me. Now though journaling on the computer helps me and I am journaling almost every day again and I feel so much better. Some days I talk about all the activity I’m going through and other days I talk about what is on my heart and troubling me. It helps me a whole lot. I have learned with Junior how to be patient. He will finish his projects. He will take a long time to finish because many times he will tear something out several times before he gets it the way he wants it. Junior is learning as he goes as well. So our house is turning into a home and I love it. My prayer is that junior will get to play more in the garden…a garden he has to make yet next summer. I pray that soon the sheds will be gone through and emptied out since we know what we want to keep now and the big shed will become his workshop. He loves to putter and I love for him to do that. He is so creative and seeing what his mind comes up with is astounding to me. As I went through surgery for my appendix I received a phone call from my daughter. Since that surgery we have talked again and Momma is now happy that both her children are talking to her again. We have talked for an hour at a time and well it feels good. My son and I connected in the spring. My daughter and I in the fall and as the year closes I find myself even more grateful. At this point my prayer is “Lord teach me to be what I need to be for my children.” I no longer want to have my children be what I want but what God wants me to be. God is bringing me back to relationship with my children. Yup, I am closer to God as this year ends. I have grown more, trusted more and faced life instead of curling up in a ball and quitting life. So how is your faith journey going? Are you closer to God than at the start of the year? May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet