May 7, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

Mother's Day is tomorrow. To be honest the week leading to Mother's Day is hard. I find myself in a funk. Through the years, I have been able to let go and move on. Mother's Day though.....I tend to struggle for a bit anyway.

My children grew up with a lot of fighting in the home. Many nights my ex and I were fighting in the middle of the night. We weren't quiet about our fights either so sometimes the children woke up to hear their parents fighting. Not pleasant for sure.

For me....I realized I had some problems and entered into counseling. As I went through counseling, I began to learn ways to walk away from the fights. Many times I would walk out the front door and go for a walk, go for a drive etc. That did not always help, sometimes my ex would follow me. I tried to lock myself in the bathroom till I cooled down only to have the door broke down. Of course I found myself getting mad after trying to walk away and I'd come out fighting, knowing I was going to lose but didn't care. As I went through counseling I often heard that I was selfish, self centered and a whole host of other things.

I guess my child has a reason to be mad at me. I'm not sure why this child is mad but it has been 12 years and still no communication. I hurt for her as much as for myself. I wish I knew my offense, I really do. If I did know then maybe I could apologize. That's the wierd thing about anger at other people. You know you are right, justified etc, but the other person generally is clueless.

As I went through counseling I learned that the person you are mad at generally does not know it. As I have gone on in my faith journey I have felt God point me to people I need to forgive. In the Lord's prayer there is the line that says, "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." There is also the versus that says if at the alter you find you have a person you are angry with that you need to leave the alter, go make amends and then come back. That is very paraphrased, but I believe the idea is that God wants us to be right with people first.

I also heard a sermon one time where the Minister's parents were alcoholics and he and his siblings were neglected and abused. He taught that we still had to honor our parents. There are times we need to walk away but always honor our parents. Honor is one of those things men want and to be honest I'm clueless as to what it looks like. Respect is the other piece to what men want and again I think I'm respecting and find that my man doesn't see it as respect. These are hard for me to grasp for sure. Still I try.

For me, I tend to ask God a whole lot to show me what it looks like for Junior. On my own, I can't. I also go to prayer a whole lot over most things in my life now. I am amazed when God opens doors for me. The doors aren't always a new something but sometimes it is an understanding, a love and a whole host of other things.

I've been praying for my child for years now. I know in my heart God is hearing my request and in time, I pray we may forgive each other for the hurt we've caused the other one. I may never reconcile, I pray for it though. In God's time, not mine.

In the meantime, I move on. I try to anyway. God has through the years brought me young women to love. I don't go long periods without a young woman to mother. It is a need deep in me and He provides. I am grateful for these women. Right now J next door is filling the mother need in me. We check on my books, we shop, we hang out and fix on my house from time to time. She feels real good.

My funk around Mother's Day....it comes. I've remembered my mother-in-law at times like this. She had 8 children...one died as a baby. Anyway, two of her sons walked out of her life for a few years. She was so broken up about their absence. I remember telling her, "Mom you have 5 other children who love you and come around." As the years have gone on, I understand. Those two were her children and she wanted them. She loved all of them.

Anyway, Monday will come. I will do housework, grocery shop, love the dogs, cats in my life. In general I move on. It is that or curl up in bed and never walk out the front door. I don't think God wants me to quit life because life hurts, so I move on. My son may call, a card may come in the mail. The same with my niece, Junior's daughter, the woman next door. In that, I find such comfort.

Daughter....I will always love you.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet