May 21, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

When I was a young mother I had a couple of friends who miscarried. My heart broke for them. I asked a Minister how to talk to these women and he said that I need to realize that that child is the one they wanted. Telling them that they can have more babies does not help, it actually hurts them even more.

As I have stated from the time I was in elementary school I wanted to be a mother. It was very important to me. God blessed me and I had two children, a girl and a boy. I loved them with all the love I was able to give. In the craziness of my first marriage, my children became my life line. I lived because I didn't want them to grow up without a mother or father. I did have a moment where I stood at a knife drawer and stared at it for a long time. I wanted to do something that scares me even now when I think on it. Because my children were that important to me, I shut the drawer and walked away.

When I divorced both of my children were in their early 20's. Through the years, I've learned that no matter what age parent's divorce, there is a lot of emotion and anger not only with the parents, but also with the children. Each person in that family must come to terms with many things. It is a process at times a very long process.

I have been praying and waiting for the storm of emotions to pass. It has been 14 years and to be honest, there are still the storms. For me I find myself moving forward and then....something out the past comes roaring back. I need to process yet again and it is hard on me, my husband who has heard this over and over and over again as I process yet again.

I know the children have had a need to make sense of many things. I understand and I miss them terribly. Several people in my life are able to shut doors and move on. I always wonder why I can't. I miss my children a whole lot. One child has reached out to me only to process more junk and get angry again. The other child has allowed the door to shut and hasn't opened it at all. I grieve for them and I grieve for me. I wish I could go back and make things right. I can't so I love them from a distance more often than not.

This is where my faith journey sustains me. God holds me, comforts me and even pushes me out the door when I'd rather sit on the couch and wrap a blanket around me. Since I can't always hug them, I pray for them. That comforts me too. I give God my children. I can't put them in better hands.

I have come to realize that my feelings are like those women who miscarried. These are my children, the ones I wanted. I asked J, she has miscarried twice and she has told me that is exactly the feelings she has had. She understood how I love the daylights out of her, but my children....are the ones I wanted. I won't ever walk away from her. She is now the one I want at this time, my children I gave birth to are also the ones I want. I can't ever thank God enough for J. She says I think we need to go shopping when I call up and she hears my sadness. It is precious, I know that she is loving me in her J way.

As my son re-enters my life...I am overjoyed. I had a person tell me recently that I push my family away. Ouch! What I hear from my son is that he has had to process a lot of anger. He had to process the junk that went on in the home. He said, "Mom, you are my mother, I will always come back." He took time outs as he had to deal with junk. I understand that. I remember processing anger from my childhood, my marriage. It takes time to put things in perspective and then let it go. I also remember as I entered counseling, I had to learn other words for "that made me mad." That was all I knew for most of my life. My counselor taught me that we can be sad, mad, and glad and I was amazed to know there were so many different things attached to emotions other than being mad. My son....has probably had to process all that as well.

So as my son re-enters my life...I am joyful. I am excited to be friends again. I love that child so much. I love my daughter, hopefully....one day..... In the meantime I learn to live in the moment and quit looking back. Looking back does not bring healing and keeps the wounds deep. So I move forward and pray.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.l

Love
Janet