October 30, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

Our closing is a few days away on the house. Our dreams of making it the way we want flow out of our thoughts daily. We’ve been to Michigan, shopped at Sears Outlet and bought most of our appliances, buying a washer and dryer at a recondition store. The dryer did not make it back with us, not enough room. We will pick that up later.

Even though it will be a few months before we move in, we are working on our dream. I am excited and not. I am definitely tired of moving. Still, I am finding things I always wanted to be part of this home and that is exciting to me. The enclosed porch is so wonderful. My office will be in there. The kitchen will open into the enclosed porch. I am thinking a small table near the window where we can eat and look out at the woods would be quaint. I am thinking that my and Junior’s desks will both be in there. A screen separating Junior’s desk and enclosing it appeals to me. He is “messy” and this little area is one where he can be messy and I won’t have to look at it. Kind of like when the kids were little, I had them shut the door and then I did not have to look at their messy rooms.
The kitchen will be cute too. We are keeping the wood burning cook stove, so that will be a focal point as well as a wonderful back up should the power go out like it did last winter for 11 days.(with 9 acres and most of them are woods, we should have enough wood). We are having the dining room wall opened up and putting an island in where we will eat. A built in stove will be put in as well. There are two fire places in the home both in bedrooms, one we will take the wall down and make part of the front room and the other will be our family room which will open up to the dining room. Those will be turned into gas fireplaces.

December is the goal for moving into our new home. The nice thing is we are staying in Haysi till most of the renovations are done. I won’t have to deal with the confusion of the mess of remodeling and my allergies will appreciate that as well. There is so much work…that overwhelms me at times, not that I have to do it, still it does overwhelm me.

This move in many ways will be easier than our move from Michigan. We are already taking things over to the house so when the final move comes it should be fairly easy. Most of the things have been gone through and gotten rid of, that is nice. Once we settle in and re-group we will put a bedroom, bathroom and a utility room for our washer and dryer. Again I am receiving dreams I thought I’d never have. A master bedroom, with a walk in closet and a master bathroom…Wow! When we have company then they can be at one end of the house with their own bathroom and we will be at the other end with our own bathroom. My dream home is taking shape. I never thought I’d have all my dreams in one home. My office on the enclosed porch looking out at woods, nature and a table to eat and look out the window on are all dreams I’ve had forever. The wrap around porches are icing on the cake so to speak.

In our minds, this is our last home. We will grow older and feebler here so we are planning for those days as well. We will put in wider door walls, wheel chair ramps outside and a roll in shower for those days. I have the Rogers’ struggle with paint. We tend to get bronchitis when we paint as we get older, so we are looking for light colored wall board – no need to paint then. Even the yard will slowly give way to more gravel for parking, car ports etc.

It seems that we are planning for what we like, for our future as well. I like the idea of being able to stay in my home as I age, not moving. If we are doing this right then more than likely we won’t have to move to assisted living or even a nursing home hopefully. We kids gave Mom and Dad that, they were able to live in their home and they even died in the home. I hope I can do that as well, die in my own home.

My kids get upset when I talk about that day, the time of my death. The older I get the more I realize that this is a reality. Planning these little details helps me because then I feel I may truly get to stay in my own comfortable home. Grandma was stuck in an upstairs bedroom because that is where the bathroom was and was not able to be with people. This one story home does not shut me off from visitors. Again, Junior and I will be able to do laundry, etc because everything is on one floor.

Junior and I have our wills as well. We have taken care of our caskets and hopefully made clear what our desires are. To be honest, I’d like for the kids not to worry about “what would” Mom want? I have hopefully made those decisions. As much as I would rather not think about these things, I realize that death is a reality, so I try hard to prepare for that day. I also realize that amends are needed to be made. Some of that, I’ve done what I can, and then it is up to the other person to meet me half way. It is so hard to work through relationship struggles when someone has passed on. As I moved in with Mom, I realized I needed to deal with some underlying struggles. I had spent many years working through struggles with my Dad. I had made peace by the time he died and I was able to hold him as he died. After my divorce, I had to work through anger at my ex. That is settled in my heart now. I can see him without fear, without anger. As life moves along, I find relationships that God points me to. I ask Him to help me deal with the hurt and anger and He has been faithful. As the end comes, I am finding I’ve done all I can and there is peace in my heart.

This move is a little different than the other moves in my life. It is a realization that my life will come to an end more than likely in this home. I do believe I have many more years to live. I have never smoked, drank very little, and did drugs for a very short time. These health choices I believe indicate a possible long life ahead of me. Both of my grandmothers did live to their 80’s, another indication of a possible long life. Of course Grandpa C, Dad and Mom died before their 65 birthday, so it is hard to say for certain. They were all heavy smokers and would not/could not give it up.

As I close, I ask again, is there someone you need to make amends with? You know it is so hard when they are gone. Once more forgiveness is more for you than the one you are forgiving. When you carry anger and hurt around, it is not healthy for you.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet