May 29, 2010
Greetings My Friend,

I have marveled at Junior right from the moment I met him in Divorce Recovery. He was a single father as he raised his daughter and that touched my heart. As I got to know Junior, I marveled even more.
Junior grew up in craziness not unlike mine yet it was even crazier. His mother died when he was 5. Junior’s Dad married again within months of his mother’s death. His Step Mom had a son a year older than Junior. The boys were dropped off at her father’s share crop farm and Junior’s Step Mom and Dad took off for a couple of years. When his Step Mom became pregnant, they came for the boys and began being a family.
For many years his dad was a migrant worker. His Dad was a migrant worker even though he had a college education. His Dad was a scoundrel. He found ways to cheat mainly family members and friends. He constantly moved his family because his deals went bad and people wanted to harm him.
Junior grew up, went into the Marine Corps. He was injured and discharged. Junior had a stressful job in the Marine Corps. When he was discharged, people were not nice to the service men back then. That coupled with the craziness of his childhood led Junior down a very scary path. He rode with motorcycle gangs and Junior was an enforcer. That is a scary man, way of life.
People see Junior as a sweet man. He has not always been such a sweet man. He has done things that I can’t even imagine. Junior likes to tell people Jesus and Paxil has changed him dramatically.
As I have lived along side of Junior I have marveled. He does not seem to go back to his “not nice” days and live in regret. I sometimes struggle with what I have done in my past. I have regret.
As I have watched Junior I find his walk with Jesus a marvel. Sometimes when Junior is sleeping I hear him talk in his sleep. He is praying. I marveled at that. Junior tries to touch Jesus all day, even in his sleep.
I am learning to talk to Jesus throughout the night. I begin to pray as I fall asleep. When I wake up, I pray some more and many mornings I pray as I wake up to start my day. It has taken me years to learn how to do that.
I have regrets. I was not a nice big sister. I was mean. I struggled with anger in my first marriage. I was angry at my husband, at my parents and the craziness of our family life. Our children grew up with a lot of fighting and violence. That makes me very sad.
I spent years and years in and out of counseling. I was searching for peace. To be honest true peace came as I accepted Jesus as my Savior. As I learn to walk with Jesus, I have learned to hear the Holy Spirit. He helps me grow away from my old life and all the regrets. I may not have been the best wife in my first marriage, the best mother etc.
God has taken me right where I was at and has helped transform me. At this point in my life, I accept the past as unpleasant as it was. I can’t change that. I wish I could, I can’t.
Since my marriage to Junior I have dealt with a lot of pain. As I started to live with my mother after my divorce, I was discovering more layers of my past that I had not dealt with. My mother died 13 months after I married Junior. About that time my daughter and I had a falling out. I have not really talked to her in almost 11 years. We had a brief moment and something else came between us, what I’m not sure. My son has moments where he is frustrated with me. We are talking less and less. To be honest all this hurts, hurts real bad. This baggage tends to make me keep looking at my past. I tend to feel bad, to hurt, sometimes I want to blame.

Junior keeps living his life. He is a content man. I marvel at him. I know a lot of his past, not a lot in other ways. I know enough, that he has done some mean things, some immoral things etc. Junior gets up each day and lives a very quiet and content life. I love hearing his movements as I wake up. I love watching him wander around as he works outside or in the basement which is outside and underneath the house. I watch Junior love Jesus. I see it in the way he tries to ask Jesus about decisions he needs to make. I see it as he attempts to tithe. I see it as he attempts to love me. He is not lost in his past. He lives now and each day is a new beginning. Junior because of his past tends to close doors and don’t look back. I marvel at that as well. Me, I want to open that door, to try ONE more time and all I do is aggravate people. I need to let go and move on.

I believe the reason I have the measure of peace I do have is because I know Jesus loves me. I pray sometimes, Lord Jesus, “You are the light in my heart and the hope in my soul. You are my bread of life and cup of salvation.” Sometimes I see a flashlight shining inside of my heart. I believe Jesus is looking at the deep recesses in my heart. Sometimes it seems like the light will land someplace and I sense Jesus is saying, that, I need you to work on that. As I begin to work on that struggle, I start to find a peace in my spirit. I am learning to let go of a stronghold. I am learning also that I am loved. For me that helps a whole lot. Jesus does not give up on me.

This love is a marvel to me. I am used to being rejected when I do something wrong. I am used to beating myself up because I should have….. With Jesus though, I am accepted right where I am at. He loves me. When I am loved, then I have more courage. I can look at my flaws. I can because Jesus won’t leave me or God won’t forsake me. With this love, I am able to move forward, not look back and become…. For me my “becoming” is learning to Agape love. I am trying to seek the highest good with whomever I am relationship with. Some people are “prickly pears,” and that is ok. It is ok because Jesus loves me and He won’t leave me.

Is there a “stronghold” you need to let go of? Have you tried Jesus? It might be the most healing thing you could do in your life. Is it time?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet