December 9, 2017

Greetings My Friend,

Recently I spent time rounding up the pictures we have of grandchildren, of Junior and I and of siblings we have. I placed them on a small corner shelf that was part of the house when the original owner built it in the 1920's. I pulled some recent photos off of the desk in the sitting room because the cats kept knocking them down, placed them on the propane stove in the TV room and an end table in front of the fireplace. Shortly after while in prayer God revealed to me how Junior and I did have had some good moments with our grandchildren when they were very young, we enjoyed our Niece Alicia's boys, still do with Jake from time to time and then there are pictures of Junior's mother before she died when he was 5 years old and of his brother and his wife before he died. God was showing me that although I felt the loss of family with my divorce, the history we shared, I now have history plus contentment. Some of the losses I felt with relationships are still fractured but in my new life, I have shared history with Junior, contentment in this history with him and life is truly worthwhile. I have pictures to show me this history with Junior and even though I still have some fractured relationships, I still have family in my life. In my new history I also have new friends, deeper friendships and I am connected to my church family on a deeper level than I had been at my church I grew up in. Although I recall many good memories at that church I struggled to be seen and known. A lot of it was "me" because I tried to blend into the woodwork, not trying to stand out due to fear of doing life wrong. Abuse does that to a person, I felt by blending in, not creating a fuss would endear me to people instead I was over looked a whole lot and frankly people get irritated when you don't stand for something changing opinions as the wind changes directions. Once the marriage ended I began a long journey of learning who I am and what I stand for. God showed me that as well, He has taught me to seek Him in His Word, helped me decide He is who I want to follow, to please and to stand up for. Prior to my divorce I felt I was possibly ADHD, it runs all over my and my ex's family. Our son is extremely hyper, his son is hyper and so it goes. The more my body slowed down the faster it seems my mind got until one day I asked God what "be still and know that I am God," was like. That was my first lesson in be careful of what I ask for since shortly after that prayer I had breast cancer. I got so tired, I could hardly move and for the first time in my life I knew what stillness was. I started to discern when God was talking to me, guiding me, even correcting me and I did not mind the lessons. In the quieting of my mind I soon was learning to be what Junior needed me to be. One time I was exasperated with the renovating of this new home in Virginia moving at what felt like a snails pace when for some reason I prayed "Lord open my eyes and heart to Junior to see what You see in him." Boy that was truly an eye opener, God showed me how hard it is to work when one is disabled as Junior is. I saw the love Junior put into making the renovations just right and slowly I have even seen the patience needed to learn to live with my own disabilities. God has been showing me how Junior and I have worked through the difficult moments as well. I needed a lot of healing from my abuse as a child, and in my first marriage which meant that letting go of fear and believing that I am safe was a very long time in coming. Today 20 years later I see that I have worked through most of that fear, I am not as hyper and I see the woman God is making me to be. I like who I have become and will continue to grow to be, I love my marriage to Junior and growing into learning to be the wife he needs me to be. He recently revealed to me that he would be a lot further along if I had not been wanting things done yesterday so he kept refocusing on my latest "I want this done now" projects. With  the latest upset that Lowe's would not finish the construction/renovating of our master bedroom, bathroom I find that if it never gets done, I am okay with it not being done. We have what we need to live comfortably for the rest of our lives and the home is a home. Junior has worked diligently at keeping clutter to a minimum, pathways clear of clutter so Daisy who is blind and allows me to walk around with the walker without stumbling over things. He has cleaned up the porch once more and cleaned up the ladders, tools from the yard. He has his desk area that over flows with clutter and his out buildings that are organized chaos. I have learned to not have a spotless home for Junior's sake. I am able to do most of the cooking, we share in the housework routines and I love this new life that God has brought me into. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet