October 9, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

I am in the midst of my quiet time with the Lord doing a devotional journal and this lesson comes to me. It is one I have learned then have re-learned and here I am learning it yet again. Ever since I was a child I have wanted to find the right formula for living my life. I want life to be A+B=C. As I state often, I like to color inside the lines – it feels safe to me.

Walking with the Lord is not an A+B=C way of life either, bummer. Walking in faith is….just that walking in faith, not doing a formula. In order to walk in faith, I need to give my heart to God, accept Jesus’ death on the cross, confess my sins and then go out and “do.” This sounds kind of like a formula but it is not. As I walk in faith, I need to open my heart to listen to God’s will for my life. Reading the Bible, prayer, confession and doing are important so that my heart will begin to be open and “hear” God’s directions. I can only do this if I empty myself out completely and let the Holy Spirit fill me. I need to trust – hard for most of us to do in some form and I am no exception.

I find that my approach to life is different than a whole lot of people. I want to fit in and I struggle to fit in. I am different in many ways. In other ways, I’m not. I do have friends who love me the just the way I am and that is wonderful. For the longest time I thought I was stupid. I got a job at the bank and my employer did not know me. They saw talent in me. I was promoted from time to time. I chose to stay put after awhile. I chose to not climb way up on the corporate ladder. When my children were young, I wanted to be home more with them. When I married Junior, I wanted to be his wife, not an executive….not that I was executive material. I realized that climbing high on the corporate ladder meant giving up my personal life. I did not want to do that.

When Junior and I were first married he came to me one time. He was used to being considered the “odd” ball and was waiting for me to discover his odd nature. I did not know how others had treated him. I came to him as a clean slate and so had no preconceived ideas of who he should be. I told him that as well. If he kept coming to me then I would begin to “see” him as he had been seen by others. He quit worrying about it, we have been friends and sure he has moments that I struggle with but overall, I would rather be with him than anyone else in the world. He is the man I love, look up to and admire.

Of late, I keep getting hit with my “odd” ways of looking at life, doing life. I like to talk a lot. I am told that I talk too much. I like to write and then am told that my writing is useless to those I am trying to write to. I remember the past and that irritates some people. My doctor told me it was good for me to remember because she sees a lot of healing in me. She understands where I came from and for me it is important to not go back there. I do this by remembering, not hanging on to old hurts, holding grudges or shutting doors.

My formula ways don’t work either. The formula’s tend to mask the real problem and don’t allow the healing that needs to take place. I remember thinking if I didn’t let my kids eat white bread, regular peanut butter and drink a lot of pop, they would appreciate me. I also thought if I could figure out how to keep a spotless home, they would love me. My formulas didn’t work there either.

Kids grow up, form their own ideas and what I thought would endear them to me doesn’t always work. They eventually choose what they believe. Now I wish I had understood trying to rear them with a love of Jesus. This would have been a wonderful gift to give them, even if they rejected it. I believe they would eventually have come back to it in life. I did take my children to church, but to be honest, my faith journey took off when I was divorced. It was at a very low point in my life and I finally put it together in my head. When we are at our lowest is when we are often receptive to the real message of Jesus. Prior to that, I was trying to make God who I wanted Him to be.

More often than not now, I am able to open my heart to God, to allow Him to direct my steps. As I allow God to direct me, I find that my “odd” ways are ok. He loves me just as I am and then He also will change me as I grow in Him. If I look at Jesus’ life on earth, he was loved, then rejected and ultimately died a horrible death. The hope I have is that Jesus rose from the dead. At that point, I find how much God loves me, loves each of us. It is a wonderful feeling when you know you are loved, warts and all.

So I am odd, that’s ok. I talk a lot, that ok. It’s ok because God loves me. In this I am able to change to grow and to be comfortable in my own skin. As I allow these changes in my personality, I find life to be sweet, that I have a purpose, even if other people don’t understand.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet